Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Making New Friends
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: BonesMS on March 18, 2013, 06:10:31 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on March 17, 2013, 03:37:47 PM ---Thank you Bonesie, your hugs make me smile :)
I'm rambling a bit as things are just occuring to me now and then. I've already mentioned that no-one spends time with my son. I home educate him because of his disability (it's much easier for him in a quiet, one to one environment) and I love it. He's doing brilliantly and really enjoys himself, I've learnt loads since I started doing it and I just love being with him. He's good company, very funny and still has that child's view of looking at things. I think I've relived my own (crappy) childhood through him and it's really helped. We're close and he's the only bit of my life that works - my personal relationships are not great with other people but with him I think I've got the balance right and he's turning into a really polite, well balanced young man - I just need to be able to say the same about myself (although if I start turning into a man that will be a whole other thread but you know what I mean).
Anyway - whenever I complain about being ill or tired the response I get from most people is that I should put him in school. They just don't seem to understand that apart from school not being the best option for me, I love teaching him at home and I'd hate to stop doing it. If he wanted to then of course I would but he loves it and I do ask him frequently if he wants to go to school and so far the answer has always been no. So I never really understand why people think me stopping doing the one thing in my life that I love would make my life better.
But having just got off the phone with a friend, who has again suggested I put him in school (in the past she's suggested I send him to a residential school) the penny dropped - none of my friends actually like spending time with their kids. I don't know why I haven't twigged this before, but it suddenly seemed really obvious. Which perhaps does make more sense that I am liking spending time with these mums at activity groups; they at least are interested enough in their kids to take them to clubs and stay and help out. So yes, I think I am starting to see where I've been going wrong, these are just people who are very different to me so can't understand why I like spending time with him. Sorry for rambling on, it just helps to get it down while I'm thinking of it, thank you for reading xx
--- End quote ---
You're welcome, ((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))
When I read about how these other mothers don't like to spend any time with their children, it made me wonder: WHY did they become mothers in the first place? Did they become mothers simply to LOOK GOOD to others while expecting the children to meet THEIR needs instead of the other way around?
I might be over-analyzing them.
Bones
--- End quote ---
Yeah Bonesie I know, it's funny, isn't it? A friend of mine decided a long time ago never to have children, she says she's too selfish and likes doing her own thing too much. I thought that was so brave of her, to just be honest about herself and not be pulled into the whole thing about children being 'normal' for everyone. Someone else I know has two kids she does nothing but moan about, since they were babies. Why bother? I can understand one; you don't know what you're getting yourself into so having one and realising you don't like it I can see, but why then have another? Seems crazy to me. Poor kids.
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on March 21, 2013, 10:34:51 AM ---
--- Quote from: BonesMS on March 18, 2013, 06:10:31 AM ---
--- Quote from: Twoapenny on March 17, 2013, 03:37:47 PM ---Thank you Bonesie, your hugs make me smile :)
I'm rambling a bit as things are just occuring to me now and then. I've already mentioned that no-one spends time with my son. I home educate him because of his disability (it's much easier for him in a quiet, one to one environment) and I love it. He's doing brilliantly and really enjoys himself, I've learnt loads since I started doing it and I just love being with him. He's good company, very funny and still has that child's view of looking at things. I think I've relived my own (crappy) childhood through him and it's really helped. We're close and he's the only bit of my life that works - my personal relationships are not great with other people but with him I think I've got the balance right and he's turning into a really polite, well balanced young man - I just need to be able to say the same about myself (although if I start turning into a man that will be a whole other thread but you know what I mean).
Anyway - whenever I complain about being ill or tired the response I get from most people is that I should put him in school. They just don't seem to understand that apart from school not being the best option for me, I love teaching him at home and I'd hate to stop doing it. If he wanted to then of course I would but he loves it and I do ask him frequently if he wants to go to school and so far the answer has always been no. So I never really understand why people think me stopping doing the one thing in my life that I love would make my life better.
But having just got off the phone with a friend, who has again suggested I put him in school (in the past she's suggested I send him to a residential school) the penny dropped - none of my friends actually like spending time with their kids. I don't know why I haven't twigged this before, but it suddenly seemed really obvious. Which perhaps does make more sense that I am liking spending time with these mums at activity groups; they at least are interested enough in their kids to take them to clubs and stay and help out. So yes, I think I am starting to see where I've been going wrong, these are just people who are very different to me so can't understand why I like spending time with him. Sorry for rambling on, it just helps to get it down while I'm thinking of it, thank you for reading xx
--- End quote ---
You're welcome, ((((((((((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))))))))
When I read about how these other mothers don't like to spend any time with their children, it made me wonder: WHY did they become mothers in the first place? Did they become mothers simply to LOOK GOOD to others while expecting the children to meet THEIR needs instead of the other way around?
I might be over-analyzing them.
Bones
--- End quote ---
Yeah Bonesie I know, it's funny, isn't it? A friend of mine decided a long time ago never to have children, she says she's too selfish and likes doing her own thing too much. I thought that was so brave of her, to just be honest about herself and not be pulled into the whole thing about children being 'normal' for everyone. Someone else I know has two kids she does nothing but moan about, since they were babies. Why bother? I can understand one; you don't know what you're getting yourself into so having one and realising you don't like it I can see, but why then have another? Seems crazy to me. Poor kids.
--- End quote ---
Poor kids is right! We both know there are some crazy people who should NEVER be parents because of they way they use and abuse people!
Bones
Twoapenny:
Agree, Bonesie!
I thought I'd update this as there are a couple of people I have been trying to get to know better and it seems to be heading in the right direction. I'm also trying to go into things with an open mind and just 'get to know' people rather than trying to force friendships. I have been thinking about Hopsie's "Oh" advice on the other thread and I'm trying to take that approach and just see how things go and let them be what they will be.
Something else I've been thinking about - and it's very jumbled in my head so no idea how it's going to come across here - is how I think I've been putting my own dysfunctional blueprint of what a relationship constitutes onto other people in my life. To try and give one example:
I've mentioned a friend who took four months to return my call. I felt very hurt by this but didn't feel able to say anything. I felt very resentful, felt that our friendship didn't mean anything (or at least didn't mean anything to her) and that no-one cared, no-one loved me, I'm so grim that no-one wants to spend time with me.
So - I know my mum's friendships are very black and white, very all or nothing. I know that in order to be part of my mums inner circle you have to conform to a particular set of rules about what she considers okay. There is no space for okay some of the time but a bit crap every now and then. She can and does drop people (including her own children) at the drop of a hat. She also blows friendships/relationships into much more than they are (my stepdad for example, love of her life whose love for her was so strong that they were forced to have an affair because they couldn't withstand the strength of the love, that sort of thing, complete nonsense, he screwed anything that moved and she was the only one daft enough to put up with it, his other wives threw him out. More disgustingly, my T once suggested that a certain kind of man is more interested in the kids than the mum and that's a thought that I'd like to be able to say doesn't apply to him but can't). She would always give anecdotes that showed how much people liked her, great stories about their times together, give big parties that everyone came to, yet when I 'came out' and started telling people that we no longer talk I was amazed at the number of people who told me they'd never liked her and were simply sociable in order to be polite.
Anyway, I can see now how I'm applying elements of all of this to my own relationships and friendships. To use the four month delay friend example, if I'm honest about our contact over the years it has always been of a getting together for coffee nature. We are not close friends, we haven't shared intimate secrets or spend huge amounts of time together, we don't know each other terribly well even though we've known each other for a long time. I am realising that this is okay :) I can have coffee buddies that are just that - a couple of hours every now and again for a chat and a catch up - it doesn't need to be any more than that. I think she sees this in our friendship and I haven't.
I've also realised that my response to anyone's demand on my time is always to jump. I put returning phone calls, emails, letters, visits, lunches etc ahead of everything else I need to do. As a result of that I get more stressed (because stuff I need doesn't get done) I feel more resentful (because I'm putting other people's needs before my own) and I don't spend time with people I'd really like to because I am reactive more than I am proactive. So I am realising that it is okay to be too busy for something and someone and I'm realising it is okay to spend time with people I really like rather than people I feel obliged to.
I think the other thing I need to work on is my response to rejection - seeing an unreturned call or letter as a massive slap in the face and reiteration of 'you're so bad your own family don't want you' and being more realiistic about other people's time and lifestyles (as being a factor in whether or not they ring) whilst of course keeping an eye out for those people who do only ring when they want something - more practise needed at saying no!
Anyway that's all kind of jumbling around in my head at the moment, I think things are clearing slowly and I'm moving in the right direction.
Thank you everyone as always for your thoughts and insights and just giving me the space to get all of this out of my head and down on paper (screen!). Thank you xx
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote --- I'm realising it is okay to spend time with people I really like rather than people I feel obliged to.
--- End quote ---
Boy, this brings back what was a long conversation I had, with my friend Gaining Strength. She'd picked up and had a giant AHA about how "obligation" was working in her relationships... and I was having trouble "seeing" it, wrapping my head around it. I still think it was a huge breakthrough for her...
and I'm still working on the concept and what it means in my life. I think that relates to our different (sometimes) coping strategies... in that I'm "runner" and a "hider" for the most part... never understanding that I really did have needs, that needs are OK (everyone's got 'em), and that those "obligations" aren't millstones around a person's neck - to be resented; they're part of the trust relationship... and commitment to the relationship and the "other person".
I guess that's why I've believed so strongly in the reality of an "unconditional" love force... and a lot of times I miss, how that exists even within things like limits, "acceptable social behavior", etc. It's always there... "informing" the functional application and use of those kinds of interpersonal "rules"... and even when it's OK to break the rules...
It's one of those things that kids learn by osmosis - seeing the examples, both in theory and applied... and if it doesn't exist in your world, you're almost always half a step out of sync. (Just reflecting in general here -- thinking of the boys.)
lighter:
(((Tupp)))
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