Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Making New Friends
Hopalong:
What a great realization about perfectionism, Tupp....
I really relate to that.
I had huge trouble with anxiety for decades and I know that
was one thing that fed it.
If it's a comfort, getting older seems to quench those wildfires
in the mind. And does make socializing easier too.
I'm so glad you're doing what you're doing. Have faith in life
itself. YOU BELONG. You are welcome in the world and life
loves you. That way, any one human doesn't shake you too
much when things go bumpy or smooth.
It's all a big pond and you are WELCOME. There are many fish!
love
Hops
Twoapenny:
Thank you, Hops.
I'd never really thought about the perfection thing before, because my life is so imperfect and I'd always thought that perfectionists got everything right all the time. I hadn't considered it might mean you don't even try because you know it won't be good enough. So, yes, I'm just trying to go for it, live it, without thinking, analysing, wondering - just be.
Love Tup xx
Twoapenny:
Hi all,
Well I thought I would update this a little as things are going well :)
I have been trying to focus my time and attention on meeting and connecting with new people and trying not to focus on people who I've felt obliged to be around.
I am finding it much easier to just let people go. I was ill for a really long time earlier in the year (months) and it was quite serious at times. I was really shocked at how few people offered to help out or even rang to see how I was. But I think it was what I needed; I've felt able to say to myself that people who don't ring, don't return your calls for months and who aren't willing to make any concessions to make it easier for you to get together aren't friends, they're just people that you know. I had a lot of people like that in my life and it made me feel bad about myself and worthless.
So I've stopped phoning those people and concentrated on building friendships with new people. There are a couple of women in particular that I've been meeting with once a week and I love those get togethers: they're nice ladies I have a lot in common with and we have a good laugh and enjoy each other's company. I've got a birthday coming up and I've invited people that I don't know well but would like to know better. The idea really scares me and I'm nervous about it but I want to try and welcome some new people into my life.
There are other people that I usually feel obliged to invite to things but I haven't to this. I usually worry about how they will feel if they aren't invited, but this time I've decided to invite only those people I see or speak to regularly and not people who only seem to turn up when there's a night out on the cards! I've only been brave enough to tell one person this (when they were asking why they hadn't been invited) and they didn't have anything to say on the matter. I keep thinking about that thing that Hopsie posted - if they can walk away from you, let them go.
It's getting easier! I'm feeling happier, more relaxed, more confident. So it's all moving in the right direction :)
Hopalong:
I am SO impressed. Wowsers, kudos and brava!
And thank you for this:
--- Quote ---people who don't ring, don't return your calls for months and who aren't willing to make any concessions to make it easier for you to get together aren't friends, they're just people that you know
--- End quote ---
That is exactly what I need to be thinking about, in dealing with some hurt over one friend who's not available these days.
She and I initially bonded over our Nmothers, and I thought it would be a big "sisterhood" thing long-term, but I don't think
she's really interested in sustaining our relationship. I was interesting to her initially, but now she's more involved with her
mother (necessarily, as she's old) and has also been going through other personal stuff (lap-band surgery and aftermath)
that may make staying in touch just not a priority. She's also very introverted, but I've kind of stopped buying that, as
she would literally use it as an explanation every time. I have other introvert friends who call every week or two, so
months of silence for that reason ... just doesn't feel true. I think she's lost interest in me, doesn't feel like saying so
and I should let her walk. I'm over my limit of doing all the initiating with her, so I'm letting that go too.
I made one little inner rule: When I next see her and she says Oh we must catch up and get together...I plan to say
something like: If you really mean it, let's set a date now . If when we get home our calendars don't jive, we can move it.
If she evades that, then I'll know it's completely insincere.
Makes me sad. More sad than with general to-and-fro people. I think that's because the issues we connected on were
so deep, early, and difficult. So old bruises have been twanging.
But. I don't need her love or approval to have love and approval in my life!
xo
Hops
Twoapenny:
Oh Hopsie, that is exactly the situation I have found myself in over and over again! There have been a number of 'close' relationships, just as you describe - people I've bonded with over shared problems that I've felt a very sisterly attachment to, who I've spent a lot of time with and really opened up with - then suddenly the relationship changes and my calls aren't returned, contact isn't initiated, if we meet up it's me that does the arranging, driving etc.
I think those sort of relationships have developed with me for a number of reasons. The relief of being around someone who 'gets' it is huge. That very close sisterly feel is lovely when you don't have family (or when the family you have are very toxic). And something I realised over time was that I had such a need to be 'liked' and 'popular' that I didn't pay any attention to the quality of the relationship, as long as there was contact. I think the whole scooping up/rescueing thing and then being abandoned again has been a common theme in my life and I think it mirrors my early years - my mum adores babies but gets bored when they get older. I've often felt that I was probably spoilt rotten as a tiny one and then dumped when my sister came along. I've had a lot of friends like that - they call and want to meet up regularly when they have a void to fill but the friendship dwindles as their life improves. Maybe that's the co-dependent in me as well?
I understand the sadness! I've shed so many tears over people I've thought were part of my life who don't feel the same way about me :( But it was a sign I needed healthier relationships. Hope your bruises twang a little less each day. xx
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