Preparing to be assertive!

[lighter]

Tupp:

For me, it's not just about "holding people accountable," it's about getting to the exit door.

IF I invest time and funds in going on the offensive WILL it end my struggle sooner?

IF I file complaints against opposing counsel, will that stop the current legal actions against me, or at least end the next one before it begins?

CAN I impact my situation?

CAN I get myself to the exit door more swiftly, or am I on a set course no matter what I do, so why put any effort in?

I can tell you this......

I had to put the effort in I have or I would have lost everything.

I tend to think that's been the case with you as well.

Now we can see light at the end of the tunnel.....

is it really close to being over for us?

Are we fooling ourselves?

Don't know....

::shrug::

Can we sit back, and wait for things to be over, or do we have to be proactive to get to the other side?

Up to this point I'd say I could have shortened my struggle by being more proactive than I have been, but it's impossible to know for sure.

Frankly the lack of knowing for sure has been vexing me, and it will interesting to see how things turn out so I have those answers.  I'm pretty sure I've wasted energy in some directions that could have been better spent in another, and on it goes.  At some point I'll sit down and figure out what time was well spent, and what wasn't.  Right now I'm going to raise children, and take whatever steps I can to keep moving toward the exit door according to my attorneys and gut. 

Looking back, my gut's almost always been right.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

((((((((((((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

It's so wrong that people find themselves in situations like this, having to fight for no real reason other than someone else having an issue with them and deciding to run it to the nth degree.

Not being proactive - at certain times - wasn't even an option for me, as I'm sure it wasn't for you.  If I hadn't fought I'd have lost my son and, given that the claims against me were that there was nothing wrong with him at all (it's now looking like he suffered a brain injury during the birth) he'd never have got any of the care and support he needed if he'd not been living with me.  The thought of what they would have put him though by refusing to accept he was poorly is something I just can't think about.  And if there was any threat like that to him again I'd fight tooth and nail a second time, too.

But, as you know, kids need to be raised, and that takes time, energy and money, especially when they have health problems.  Getting to the bottom of whether or not he did suffer a brain injury is going to be another battle on its own, as is finding another law firm and getting that ball rolling with a view to a negligence claim.  The false accusations - at this point, if the most I can do is have my amended version of events added to the files, that will be enough.  If I can take it further, great.  If not, that's okay too.  I'm at that point now where I just want peace in my life.  I want to enjoy my son, get out and make some new friends, start re-building a life that isn't based on my mum's notions of how I should be living and isn't controlled and influenced by her.  What a lot to do!  I think now it's fight where it's necessary and conserve energy where possible.  It's taken a toll on my health, physically and mentally and I don't want it to get worse.

I am hoping, so much, that your situation resolves in some way that is okay for you and your kids.  There was a long period for me were giving in just wasn't an option.  Now it feels more like a tortoise and a hare situation; I can still resolve it in a way that suits me, but I can do it at a slower pace.  I suppose I feel I am in control of this now, whereas for a long time other people were and I had to work at their pace.

(((Lighter and kids)))

[Hopalong]

I am in control of this now

HUZZAH, TUPPPPPPPPPPP!

xo

Hops

[Twoapenny]

I am in control of this now

HUZZAH, TUPPPPPPPPPPP!

xo

Hops

Ha ha ha     Thank you, Hops  xxx

[lighter]

Tupp:

When we aren't meeting crisis, and rising to threats we have more choices about how we spend our time.

The children won't be children for long, and so we turn our attention to them.....

what else can we do?

Be as proactive as we can, where we can. 

OK.

Do what must be done to get to the exit door.

Yup.

I saw a saying in the store the other day.....

"Life isn't about learning to weather the storm,
it's about learning to dance in the rain."

How do we spend our moments while life goes on around us?

What do we choose to latch onto, and give our time to?

Learning to make time for special rituals with our children, and especially self care, is difficult.  Esp when chaos and crisis is raging around us.

It sounds like you're focusing on the right things.  Not giving up the good fight, but shifting your intentions, and remaining mindful about what you want to give your son, and have for yourself.

Yes: )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi Lighter,

Yes, I see what you're saying here and I suppose we can only do what we can do in all aspects of life, I guess that applies to everyone, across the board?  It's useful to keep that in mind, I think.

I realised today - and I'm wondering why it's taken me so long to notice this now - that I am simply afraid of saying no or of having any kind of opinion that doesn't suit another person.  I think I had been so well hammered into shape as a child that it's taken me this long to realise that the way I behave simply isn't appropriate.

Last week a parent at a club my son goes to asked if we could car share.  I've turned it over in my mind all week.  It isn't convenient for me; I go to an activity myself while my son is at his club so I'd still have to do the journey each way making it pointless from my point of view.  I then looked into doing a different activity somewhere else and felt upset that I would have to give up this tiny bit of me time I have finally carved for myself after twelve years of doing without.  I then worried about the fact I don't really know these people very well and wondered if I could offer to do both runs instead as I'd be going that way anyway and then got resentful that it's always me that seems to do the extra work.  Then I started to worry about the fact that there is a problem with the catch on the back seat that would need to be fixed before I could safely carry a passenger and was getting in a flap about where I was going to find the extra money to get that done and when I was going to get the time to do it.

And as all of that became a bigger and bigger problem I suddenly realised I can just say no to them and it really shocked me that I was preparing to go to such extreme lengths to accommodate the needs of other people.  And as I look back over the years I can see that that has probably been at the root of so many of the things that have made me unhappy.

[Meh]

Yes, you can say no to them especially when they are not an employer paying you etc.

Not everybody can fit into the same car pool. Tell them that you would like to but you have other appointments etc.

[Hopalong]

I suddenly realised I can just say no

Woo hoo! Go, Tupp! Yee hawwwwww!

Present for ya: http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/infopax.cfm?Info_ID=51

Hops

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Hops and Green, yes, it seems so obvious now but it feels incredibly unnatural, it's very odd.  I was so worried about telling them no; in my mind I can hear my mother's reactions to being told no to anything - ranging from quiet fury to not so quiet!  In the end I just said I couldn't do it, they said no problem and that was that.  I hadn't realised how big a part of my life this is.  I leant some items to a friend a couple of months ago.  At the time she asked to borrow them she offered to come and collect them and I said no, I'd drop them off.  Then she offered to bring them back and I said no, I'll pick them up!  I only realised today how bizarre this is, I don't know what it's all about!  I texted her today about coming to fetch them and she offered to drop them in instead, I had to force myself to say yes!  It felt completely unnatural and as if I were taking the mickey or something.  I really need to work on this, I can see how this has had such a negative impact on my life now.  How funny that it's been there all along and I didn't see it.

Hopsie,thank you for that link, I will have a good read through when I get the chance, it looks very interesting

[Meh]

Yah, I get it, when I had $, I sometimes went to this lady massage therapist. I would fold the sheets up after the whole thing. She would tease me about it. She would say, "you are so polite!! Nobody ever folds the sheets"...

It's just the way we are, always hyper-vigilant that we will offend somebody or encroach or inconvenience somebody else. BECAUSE we were taught that we were inconvenient so we try hard not to be... We are used to not being number one.

[lighter]

Tupp:

I'm so proud you

just

said

NO.

OK, you fretted a bit first, but we usually fret, and say YES!

Amazing revelation about how we sabotage ourselves, and how we can stop: )

Congrats,
Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Yah, I get it, when I had $, I sometimes went to this lady massage therapist. I would fold the sheets up after the whole thing. She would tease me about it. She would say, "you are so polite!! Nobody ever folds the sheets"...

It's just the way we are, always hyper-vigilant that we will offend somebody or encroach or inconvenience somebody else. BECAUSE we were taught that we were inconvenient so we try hard not to be... We are used to not being number one.

Green that is exactly it, hyper-vigilent describes it so well.  I go over and over things from every angle, every possible way and I just hadn't realised how much.  I bought a torch yesterday and it doesn't work.  I was going through umpteen different scenarios in my mind and was on the verge of not taking it back to the shop and just buying another somewhere else.  But then I realised what I was doing so I'm taking it back today and will just let them handle it.  I think that's part of it, as you say, being so used to having to be responsible for other people's thoughts/feelings/responses - I don't know what it's like to let other people deal with what you hand them rather than it being the other way around?  How funny.

Lighter - thank you so much.  So funny how these things suddenly become so obvious to us.  So yes, the fretting is still there but progression, not perfection, yeah? xx

[Meh]

LOL, I work in customer service, people return stuff all the time. As long as it was recently purchased like it sounds that it was, just say "This is a defective item return, I want a replacement please". Or refund.

It's like a one line phrase hon.   Good luck!! (hugs)

[Twoapenny]

LOL, I work in customer service, people return stuff all the time. As long as it was recently purchased like it sounds that it was, just say "This is a defective item return, I want a replacement please". Or refund.

It's like a one line phrase hon.   Good luck!! (hugs)

Hi Green, I know, it's silly, isn't it?  I took it back and they changed it straight away, the second one doesn't work either so I'll take that back, too!  It's just this over thinking thing, I'm scared of my own shadow these days but it's getting better with these little things, I think just noticing it sometimes can help as well?

[Meh]

ya, I know what you mean.