Author Topic: Feeling a bit sick tonight  (Read 1751 times)

Anonymous

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Feeling a bit sick tonight
« on: November 23, 2004, 05:49:29 PM »
I had another assessment session yesterday and I am feeling depressed now. What came across was I definitely have obsessions and compulsions, mainly in the head. Atleast now I anm able to distinguish some of my fears as the work of OCD whcih I have to reprogramme or unlearn. The therapist seemed to think that I am simply mimicking people and am trying to live up to the expectation of others and was concerned that why I was not concerned about being absent minded and not being concerned of having lost in touch with my feelings. She also felt it could be the work of a narcissist and was concerned why I am offereing no resistance. My self absorbtion could be their trade mark. I feel like a human bitten by a vamp, not sure if I a minfected or not.. and that too by what extend. This most probably could be the priest I mentioned who 'saved' me from my 'problems' of self doubting and indicisiveness which I already posessed from childhood. Neglecting mom, self absorbed dad.

She considered and offered psychodynamic psychotherapy along with art therapy ( both intensive) but was concerned about the intensity and my ability to withstand therapy.. so as a ego building measure it is CBT for me. I will be seeing a psychaterist soon. I am thankful that she was atleast partly brutally honest with me, she could have been more honest if not for my cowardice from facing reality.

Today I feel like a loser, who couldnt defend himself, and to oashamed to admit it. Somehow my 'inflated ego' which seemed to have been blown up recently, thanks to certain voices in my head ( mosty from my dad and priest ) I spent more energy resisting and denying that I could be seen as a victim. I a msimply guilt bound.. I even feel guilty about e verything even existing, or talking to a therapist, talking to a woman, marrying, having relationship, asking for a promotion, getting close to kids etc etc..and I have to ask permission of those two men in order to be 'cleared' of my guilt. ashamed that I am like a blind person, that I can be tricked by just about anybody, all they have to d ois say that I am nice and I am taken.. and that too by who ? old men. I even doubted my gender to keep them apeaced. And how do I feel about it now ? As if the water is over my head. I really feel sick and vulnerable today and I wish I can redeem some pride in myself.

Spirit

phoenix

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Feeling a bit sick tonight
« Reply #1 on: November 23, 2004, 06:25:46 PM »
Spirit , Do you have a sense of being a part of a larger whole? That you have a place on this earth naturally endowed by our creator- however you perceive that to be?
You are in essence worthy of your life, of all your feelings, even of all your emptiness. You are worthwhile just because you are.

In my darkest days - seeing the mess that consisted of my life- I had images come to mind of highly functioning retarded children,. Aware  enough to understand what they were, and that they would always be relegated to a life deemed by others as less worthwhile. Other images were of people crippled yet self aware, who were unable to bathe themselves, or attend to the more personal needs of their bodies. I saw in these images their shame, yet also the understanding they were no less than anyone else for their assorted handicaps. They were equal participants in the world, just by being born.

Now that you are coming into awareness of the work you have to do, that you have been under a cloud of unknowing, your heart feels like an arm coming back to life after you have slept on it too long- The resulting pins and needles sensation  is  excruciating.

The images I saw were messages to let me know not to be ashamed, that my retardation - my social blindness and emotional /mental handicaps - were a result of parents who were incapable of being there, attending my needs. In essence, I was still a whole complete possibility- it was now up to me to fill the cup. We have to be kind to ourselves, and let the shame go, and give ourselves time and room to grieve.

Aren’t you thankful to have found the road to healing? There are countless others out their wandering in the dark. Everything we learn and do for ourselves can have a second measure in helping someone else along the way.


Take care, dear Spirit, Phoenix

Anonymous

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Feeling a bit sick tonight
« Reply #2 on: November 23, 2004, 06:58:28 PM »
THanks for your kind words Pheonix. I am glad that you replied

After thinking a lot ( about 10 mins ? ) about getting the 'right' answer with the 'right' sounding words, I simply stuck nothing and came up with this reply. Perhaps not the perfect answer but hopefully you will understand.

Spirit

bunny

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Re: Feeling a bit sick tonight
« Reply #3 on: November 23, 2004, 07:21:28 PM »
Quote from: Anonymous
The therapist seemed to think....


Who is this therapist and why did she say these things to you?  :(

Quote
She considered and offered psychodynamic psychotherapy along with art therapy ( both intensive) but was concerned about the intensity and my ability to withstand therapy.. so as a ego building measure it is CBT for me. I will be seeing a psychaterist soon. I am thankful that she was atleast partly brutally honest with me, she could have been more honest if not for my cowardice from facing reality.


Therapists shouldn't be brutal and make you ashamed.....I'm horrified.......{{{{ Spirit }}}


I'm confused by the 'two men' you mention: a priest and a therapist or something? (sorry!)

Anyway this therapist did a real number on you and I am appalled.

Hang in there and don't take anything critical she said as the truth about you.

bunny

Anonymous

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Feeling a bit sick tonight
« Reply #4 on: November 23, 2004, 07:53:32 PM »
Dear Spirit,

What kind of spirit?  Mean-spirited perhaps?  It is so good to know that you are grappling with such hard issues.  Getting a grip with reality can really get you in touch with some feeling somewhere.  Perhaps a different priest could help with that mind-body connection.

Hopefully you will soon find ways to clean your own self up.

Anonymous

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Feeling a bit sick tonight
« Reply #5 on: November 23, 2004, 07:57:40 PM »
Spirit, I want to let you know that as I read your words I felt a wave of love for my daughter who also has had to grapple with OCD traits since she was about 15. (She's now 27, and has an N father who she still sees). Over the years I've seen her struggles, gain some ground, lose it again, give up, gone on and she still continues to question herself unmercifully, unsure of whether her perceptions are *correct* or not.  The OCD is pretty much gone now and she's happpily living her life how she wants.

What I'm trying to say is even through your darkest days, try to hold onto that little scrap of hope. Feel that tiny surge to help you get through. You will get there, step by step, with the help of the therapist.
Karin.

Anonymous

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Re: Feeling a bit sick tonight
« Reply #6 on: November 23, 2004, 07:58:30 PM »
Quote from: bunny
Quote from: Anonymous
The therapist seemed to think....


Who is this therapist and why did she say these things to you?  :(


She is a consultant psychotherapist and Clinical Director of Psychological Therapies from a NHS Hospital. She has said to me that some of my problems I said could be obsessionals which is part of the OCD condition. Why she said it could have something to do with what I asked her to be the product of the sessions.

Quote
Therapists shouldn't be brutal and make you ashamed.....I'm horrified.......{{{{ Spirit }}}

I told her when I got her letter and read it I felt annoyed as she had said things over my back or.. putting words into my mouth. But I did ask for CBT as I do have obsessions and some compulsions/compulsive thoughts.. and thats what she has given. Comming to think of it I dont realise why she felt she had to piont out that it was not sufficient for me.. and that I might not get well with CBT.. she is trying to woo me into psychodynamic therapy. I am really confused about it now and will put more thought into it.

As far as I understand, I asked for CBT because of some of the additions/addictions which I had developed because of my vulnerability. I dont intend to stop with that..and I do consider psychoddynamic therapy later on.


Quote
I'm confused by the 'two men' you mention: a priest and a therapist or something? (sorry!)


well I didnt mean it literally bunny, I was venting out my anger there at my dad and the priest. I feel drained out by their voices and feel that I do not have the energy, ego to defend myself against them.

I felt that I am not good at filling in the blanks..as it is a question of who has more power.. myself .. or the negative thoughts. therefor I asked for  a more concrete structure.. thats why we agreed on CBT.

Spirit

Anonymous

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Feeling a bit sick tonight
« Reply #7 on: November 23, 2004, 08:09:41 PM »
Another reason is she mentioned that if it is psychodynamic therapy it is intense along with art therapy etc.. which meant I had to take time away from work. The third option she said was about me giving up on career and trying out a supportive job/ session for a year which is what she ideally feels is ok. Infact I have seriously considered this for a while..but circumstances doesnt allow this. Thats why we agreed on CBT to hang on and reduce the pain

Spirit