My brother and just life and stuff

[Meh]

It's no problem Hops!   

I probably shouldn't be spending my time chatting with people but I do. I chat with somebody in England, Ireland, New Zealand and Pakistan. I think it just gives me a distraction.

[Meh]

This morning I went to drop of a $200.00 deposit at a room for rent that is small and in a 70's style house. The woman who rents it told me when I gave her the money order that she has 80,000 dollars in college loan debt, found out that her teenage son drives a car to high school but doesn't apparently have a job. The woman gave a business card, she is a family counselor and works 2 days a week. There is only one shower in the house and would be shared by 4 people. So not too excited about it but at least I have some place to go. AND I am tired having to always say to myself "it's not ideal but it is something". Oh well. There is also a Rottweiler in the garage that I will have to make friends with in order to access the washing machine and dryer. So yeah. Feh. So is the cycle of my life. I am going to add more in a few minutes.

Um, I have been cleaning on my Sunday. Bleached everything in the bathroom I use, then cleaned part of the oven out and the refrigerator and washed down cupboards and appliances.

I don't feel like going anywhere, got no way to go easily and nobody to go with. So no weekend trips for me but at least I got a walk in I suppose.

So the person gave me her business card she is a family therapist and she deals with sex issues...I knew I sensed some kind of vibe from her she is kind of a sex therapist. Figures. I'm going to miss my current room mate she is so normal, nice and down to earth.

[Meh]

I am procrastinating against applying for other jobs.

[Meh]

Feel pretty far away from spirituality right now. Used to be that I would go to Buddhist circles and stuff like that, READ about spirituality in one form or the other. Now it all kind of seems silly to me- silly and distant stuff. I look back and I question how could I have spent so much time on that stuff.

Not sure why I am posting this, just an observation of myself I guess. It's funny how it is easier to believe in those things when I feel good and harder do believe if I feel bad.

[Hopalong]

Hey Boat,
I'm wishing there were a more cheerful house for you to share...are you on your own for finding a room to rent? Just looking up notices, etc?

I understand what you mean about spirituality being harder to find when you're down. I'm feeling that way too. For me, it's about winter coming. I've been saying to myself stuff like: All you have to do now is get up, do the day, endure it, and spring is going to come.

I'm feeling isolated again and really need to do something about it. My schedule makes it hard. I think living alone wouldn't be so hard if I had some way of meeting a friend during the week. Now, with the pooch, I have to come home first and take care of her, and so then it's hard to unplug myself to go out again just for some human connection in an evening. But I need to, so my project is to figure out how.

I think if she can go with me and wait in the car, since it's no longer hot out, that'd be better...

Chin up Boat...this too shall get better. (I like meditation that's not "about" spirituality but just lets me connect with whatever I can connect with that day, without labeling it...)

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Today was my day off from work, I got on a bus went over to a small down-town area of an adjacent city. Got some Chicken Satay for late-lunch. After I walked out of the restaurant and was standing by a bus stop a fire engine showed up, an ambulance showed up and the city sheriff showed up in an suv.

There was a man in a wheel chair on the side walk that was the focal point and some guy standing somewhere near him that I guess had called the emergency services, maybe a neighbor, maybe his care taker I am not sure. Maybe the guy in the wheel chair was suicidal. Again I am not sure what the detail was about that. The guy in the wheel chair was yelling no when the fireman tried to get close to him etc. It was an electronic wheel chair and in the process of trying to get away from the fireman was going out into traffic and blocking traffic etc.

Well like clock work there was a car packed full of 4-5 people guys and one gal who parked in the parking lot across the street and then started yelling at the man in the wheel chair heckling him. Although young they certainly didn't look like teenagers. When the excitement died down they drove away seemingly not really having any other reason to be there and then when they drove by I flipped them off. Of course I should not have done that.

I could be silly for saying this. When emergency services show up should it not be illegal to harass the situation?

[Meh]

Hey Boat,
I'm wishing there were a more cheerful house for you to share...are you on your own for finding a room to rent? Just looking up notices, etc?

I understand what you mean about spirituality being harder to find when you're down. I'm feeling that way too. For me, it's about winter coming. I've been saying to myself stuff like: All you have to do now is get up, do the day, endure it, and spring is going to come.

I'm feeling isolated again and really need to do something about it. My schedule makes it hard. I think living alone wouldn't be so hard if I had some way of meeting a friend during the week. Now, with the pooch, I have to come home first and take care of her, and so then it's hard to unplug myself to go out again just for some human connection in an evening. But I need to, so my project is to figure out how.

I think if she can go with me and wait in the car, since it's no longer hot out, that'd be better...

Chin up Boat...this too shall get better. (I like meditation that's not "about" spirituality but just lets me connect with whatever I can connect with that day, without labeling it...)

hugs
Hops

Yeah I guess we go through stages and phases. Just noticing that the things I used to do in my free time have fallen by the way side and my beliefs have also kind of been stripped away and useless. shrug oh well

[Meh]

Yah I have nothing much to say only that I am rather lonely. Have to work tomorrow yay!

[Hopalong]

(((((((((((((((((((Boat Bean)))))))))))))))))))

I like it a lot when people say they're lonely.
It is so taboo to admit it in many settings...like we're all supposed to be flippin' cowboys or robots...

I have thought and written and felt a lot about loneliness.
Even recently. I hate it.

But I do know it can come and go, if I remember to keep
a light expectation of good things (and stay "out there" -- volunteering, parking my
butt in the UU pew even if I'm not in the mood since I always feel better after the service).
I think, for me, it's like --- there, i recognize myself as an organism that lives in community.
When I don't go for long stretches, I am an organism that lives in isolation. Plus, the
repetition of seeing the same faces, like 'em or not, week after week, means that I am
actually experiencing belonging.

And in small classes or groups, I get to know people. We schedule stuff.

I think a volunteer gig could produce very similar results, too.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Hum well I wouldn't mind a lonely cowboy don't think they go to church much.


I agree with you Hops that lonliness is something that most people probably don't want to admit to but if asked directly most people would probably admit that they get lonely. There are a lot of factors rolled into it I guess. Maybe I will come back and write about it maybe not. I'm used to being alone, took me a long time to understand when I was feeling lonely and what that feeling sense was. Guess it has become my mode of operation almost. During times of stress I feel it more.

It's a good thing that you have your church routine going on for you, also liked the way you mentioned that some of the people you like to see and maybe some others not so much because that really IS the truth of social situations one can not rule out going just because there maybe some people one does not feel comfortable around because there is bound to be somebody who clicks.

[Meh]

I'm being lazy, bought a cup of espresso stand coffee and a package of bacon came home cooked it up. Now just sitting on my bum trying to figure out what to do with my day.

Kind of feel like things take me forever to get in motion, to get the ball rolling to make things happen. To get it done. Not little things I mean the larger things in life. I am the opposite of a mover and a shaker.

Got no plans for the day only to take a shower, try to buy some fall related clothes like some leggings and long sleeve shirts or something like that.

I guess I could say that I am in a depressive slump though since I quit taking medication for depression I have quit identifying with the term depression.

Not having a car also makes it harder to get out and about. And not having a life makes it harder to make friends.

I would probably just go for a drive in the country today is all. Walk around somewhere that is about it.

There are no movies that I want to watch they all look dumb.

[Meh]

http://www.livescience.com/13260-bully-victims-brain.html

[Meh]

Just need to write this out. For a place to deposit it. Like making a bank deposit routinely, now I am in the habit of putting my garbage here.

I don't need a response.

I'm upset at the moment, now awake much later than planned on, mainly because I am frazzled, literally am shaking.

Mainly about my father who has now moved to the state I live in since my brother dying.

I basically called him tonight responding to an email that he sent me.

Have said it to him in not so nice terms.

"Don't want to see you"
"Don't want all of your emails"
"WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND"

My mother had some belongings of mine in her basement. Of course I shouldn't have anything at her home at all. But lucky for her she has plenty of vacant space in a house that she has ownership of LUCKY for her again. My father took it upon himself to "possess" my belongings.

So basically he is in my state and has my stuff now all of which somehow he claims he didn't plan etc.

So I called him I told him to leave my things alone, I told him to leave me alone. And in the end I guess he is getting negative attention out of it.
I wasn't yelling at him but it was barely a notch down from that, clear loud talking. I feel hostile and I don't want him around.

Why is this so stressful -- I feel like I am having the proverbial "emotional meltdown".

Maybe I should just conceptualize him like a stalker. I say I don't want to see you and yet somehow he still is contacting me and referring to meeting etc. AND I have made it abundantly clear that across state borders is the perfect amount of nearness for me.

I don't like him. That is my right.

I don't need this in  my life it feels bad. It feels stressful. It's disrupting my sleep.

Relatives suck I have no idea if there really is such thing as non-toxic relatives. All I know is that I can't take it anymore. I've been through a lot.

I'm too old for this shit. I am so wide awake and wired right now. Few hours ago I was going to sleep.

This isn't healthy it is stressing me out.

What I really want is peace. I am closer to my "peace" when he is not in the picture. I am closer to feeling OKAY when this stuff isn't going on.

I have had my own life for a long time apart from my father. I feel claustrophobic. I feel angry. It's like a nightmare-my mother and my father communicating with each other in the same state etc.  My f*cking moron of a father thinking that he is now friends with my mother. It's non of my business I don't care what the fuck he does but he has to stay out of my life.

I don't care if I have to be a royal biotch. Somebody once told me that growing up means you realize that you have the right to say "FERCK YOU" and I agree. I am going to make him miserable, he eventually will get it that I am a pain in the ass and not a little push around nice girl any more and he will go away. I am going to be tired tomorrow and I am going to make a very mean phone call.

[Meh]

Was going to write but I am too tired to do so

[Meh]

I'm tired, have to pack stuff tonight. Got off of work late now it is 9 PM

Also I think I am getting sick or it could just be stress

I want to write but don't have the energy/time right now.