@ Hops, he is just weird.
I wouldn't know how to summarize it, I could try though it's not fresh for me, it's just old and worn out etc.
One thing is that he doesn't have any current friends, he has old friends that he knew in high school and he is using these old friendships as a basis to move closer to me even though I want nothing to do with him. He said, "I have a lot of friends in your state and I could move there but that really has a lot to do with you". I think he is kind of mentally delusional. When my brother died he told me that two people contacted him, "friends" from work. Though he hasn't worked in a long time now. Those two people I highly doubt contacted him, I think he almost has "imaginary friends". It is hard to describe Hops, he is probably an alcoholic and co-dependent as he is very emotionally clingy and needy. When I was growing up he had no conceptualization of me being a separate person from him and needing to turn into an adult etc. I know people joke about father's that don't want to let their kids go or grow up but whatever his deal is I want nothing to do with it. I've had a lot of bad and deprivation etc. I want my own life, and have the freedom to try and make the BEST out of it.
I don't know what his deal is, and I really don't want to get into his mental world, if I were to sum it up in some kind of stereotypical phrase it would be this:
My father is an unemployed, daily alcohol drinking, emotionally draining and controlling, imposing "bum" who will not go away.
He was living with my aunt/his sister for a while, then he moved in with my brother. He says he doesn't need to live in any kind of assisted care facility or whatever but he has health problems and he doesn't appear to want to TRULY live independently. I suggested to him that he try to live in some kind of "community/like retirement situation"... to which he wants nothing to do with. AND THAT IS HIS OWN decision. Cause he is not going to glob onto me, that is kind of my fear, that he will come here, find me and not go away. I just want space space space. He doesn't "get it" that he can't use one other person as his sole social outlet and connection and I FELT LIKE that when him and my mother divorced.
When I think about the funnest most stereotypical "father" experience....was when my UNCLE took me and his two boys fishing earlier one morning, he woke us up early, it was an adventure and we got to ride in the back of his truck and we all went out fishing. I have ZERO memories of my father like that. My father is almost a self-imposed "shut in", growing up he would always say that gas money cost too much money so there was never any point of going anywhere. I didn't take sports classes, I didn't go to the zoo,....there are a lot of things that I just didn't do as a kid. His whole personality is like that though just weird and depriving. The Halloween costumes I had were made by friends of the family who noticed that if it was left up to my father I wouldn't have one. Birthday parties, my father never had one for me.
He went over to my brother's house to help clean it up. He explained to me about syringes he had found in a back room where he was cooking whatever drug he was doing. Still don't know exactly what he over dosed from. My father had to tell me in detail about "blood spurts" on the wall. I find this weird and uncomfortable and it's hard to explain it, he is socially inappropriate and there is more gory type stuff that he told me about. He depresses me. Other people if they had to go into a house it that situation, they would just go in and out as fast as possible.
He also has health problems that frankly I don't want to think about because even I don't have my own health insurance.
I'm not married, it's just me, my life isn't stable at all and I don't want the psychological burden or emotional strain of participating in his problems because I have my own.
He never got re-married when he was divorced from my mother....and I was his emotional vent for the divorce...he never stopped talking bitterly about the divorce etc. HE never would have thought that it is NOT what a 6 year old kid needs to be exposed to. They just were losers, my parents were, and didn't know how to be parents, and took very little joy or interest in my life. And now it doesn't matter any longer that all was a very long time ago.
To be honest both me and my father don't have social relationships....and I don't want that to be some kind of sick reason why we are stuck to each other. We are probably schizoid personalities or introverts or something.
When I found this voicelessness board it was right after I lost a good job in health care. I had quit taking an anti-depressant wellbutrin.. and that combined with the job loss put me into a real "funk" but honestly at the same time I think it was a little bit of a psychological wake up for me at the same time. I never started taking antidepressants again after that. I felt that there was a "fog of illusion and delusion" that I kind of came to grips with.
My father's world is a mental place that I don't want to hear about, I don't want to talk to him, what makes it worse is that he has that "man of the house arrogance thing" that guys get when they are used to being the person who is in charge or has power. So that is enough about him. It's a bad old drag of a story.
I want new people in my life. Different landscape. I want a life that is radically different from what I grew up with and I was somewhat achieving that when I had a good job.
The past really is the past. Really the only thing that dominates my life and cuts it into segments of time are my paychecks, the paychecks time frame is the current event.
well this isn't exactly what I was planning on writing about but there it is.
I really need to apply for more jobs and stuff like that feh hard to find the time to do that with my current job though....today is going to be busy.
