My brother and just life and stuff

[Meh]

It's 4:22 Pm where I am Pacific Coast time. I am supposed to get off of work at 6:00PM, I left early. It is weird to come here to say this but the truth is I don't really have any friends. My mother called me at work and I let it go to voicemail because I am not suppose to take calls.

When I went to break I picked up my voicemail and she asked me to call her, she said it was important. I thought that she probably wanted me to baby-sit her stupid dog.

When I called her she told me that my brother had over-dosed. I asked her when it had happened and she wouldn't give me any details. I started crying on the phone in the break room and then pretty much wailing in the hallways at work. I took the elevator back down to the second floor and the human resource manager was near my desk I told her I was leaving.

Then I needed money to get on the bus so I went to the bank, I got the change, remembed I had a check to deposit pulled it out and gave it to them the bank teller asked me what my plans were for the 4th of July, I told her that I just had a death in my family and I just want to deposit the check and leave.

[Meh]

I have to go clean up my stupid room because somebody is going to come over and look at the whole space to rent it. I'm going to go home and clean up the room, take a shower and come back to the library and sit down and write.

My aunt left a voicemail msg on my phone telling me how sad it is, and my phone looks like my mother tried to call me again. I just didn't pick it up. I had gotten off the bus and decided to walk over to the grocery store.

Just feel like I needed to deposit this somewhere that people know a little bit about my family etc.

I'm gonna go clean and shower and then avoid the apartment for a while.

Or maybe I won't come back to the library. I feel like there is no place for me to go. I certainly don't see the point in going to my relative's house and I doubt they even invited me over.

[Meh]

My brother's birthday is on the 4th of July...so it was a planned over-dose. He had actually talked about this many years ago.

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Dear Green Bean,

I am so sorry to hear about your brother.  Please take care.  Thinking of you,

Richard

[Meh]

Thanks

[BonesMS]

((((((((((((((((((((Green Bean)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Twoapenny]

Bean, I am so sorry to read this, and so sorry for your loss.  A death is a terrible thing to cope with at any time, but within difficult family situations it becomes so much harder.

I know what you mean about not having friends; I felt like that for a very long time (and still feel that I don't have many).  But I've found the comfort and support from my cyber friends here on this forum so uplifiting; it just made me feel like I wasn't completely alone during those very tough times when it seemed that no-one understood or cared about me.  People here did.

So keep posting, even if it's just a stream of consciousness thing so that you can get things off your chest and onto the screen so it's not all bubbling away inside you.

Thinking of you, and sending love your way.

Tup xxx

[Hopalong]

I am so sorry Beanboat...isolation makes loss much harder.
I am very sorry.

I'm really glad you came to tell us here.
I hope there's some bereavement support you can find,
hospice groups, or such.

love,
Hops

[Meh]

I just feel tired. My mother and my aunt seem like they already are making decisions about the memorial service and not including me.

There was a friend that my brother knew since high-school. This morning I was able to contact his father on Facebook and he is going to tell my brother's friend. I feel better that I was able to get in touch with them. His father said that my brother was like a son to him.

I called my mother this morning and asked her to slow down with all her frantic plans and try to figure out who should be included and how.

She seems to be immediately concerned with cleaning out his house and "giving it back to the bank". I don't understand why this is all happening so fast. Maybe she co-signed on all of the mortgage stuff etc. But I would think there would have to be some kind of grace period for that stuff.

[sKePTiKal]

Bean, I'm not here much anymore but I do still check-in.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I don't have any advice, just a big hug.
And I hope if it helps you to just document things here, you do so.

[Hopalong]

Not sure that "grace" is in your mom's lexicon, Boat...
but you can have your own grace in mourning him,
and say farewell in your own way and at your own time,
regardless of what ceremonies the family creates.

You will find your peace. Your brother is safe.

Awfully glad you reached out to your brother's friend
and got those kind words from his father.

Thinking of you,
Hops

[Meh]

It feels like my life has changed immensely. Even if I didn't maintain a close relationship with him, I knew he was still on the planet, now he is really really gone.

I really want to call his friend but I'm not sure if I should or not. His friend is the only person that I knew somewhat that had a relationship with my brother outside of the family context.

[Meh]

Called my mother's phone number to get contact info for my brother's friend and ask her if she thinks it would be okay if I contacted him. She actually sounded like she was enjoying the long drive to my brother's place I guess because she gets to see his two kids. She doesn't seem that upset at all really.

[Ales2]

Hi Green Bean- So sorry to hear about this. I'm very sorry for your loss. There really are no good words to help with this. Keep posting here and reaching out when you can.  All the best to you during this tough time.

[Hopalong]

FWIW, I see nothing whatsoever wrong with calling your brother's friend...
in fact, might be a really good idea.

Maybe you could ask if he'd like to meet you for a cup of coffee.
You could just say it'd be good to talk to someone who knows him,
since things are a little awkward with family.

What's to lose? If he says no, doesn't mean anything.
If he says yes, that would be a comfort.

xo
Hops