My brother and just life and stuff

[Hopalong]

PS -- Your Nmama likes drama. And death is a drama.

It doesn't mean she didn't love him at all.
But if she's an N, her love when she can tune into it, is a blunted thing.

Remember that she has a mental illness that means where you might
expect softness, realizations, piercing loss, sorrow...you may see a
lot of weird off-tone, chaotic or confusing reactions instead.

Remember that this is her mental illness and personality disorder.

It is very sad but has nothing to do with your own grief, which
you are entitled to feel in your own way.

I am so sorry you lost your brother, and so tragically.
I would be very glad to hear a story about him -- good things
you remember or feel, as well as the bad.

I won't be able to feel grief when my brother dies, I believe.
Your brother is lucky that you are remembering him with some love.

hugs
Hops

[Meh]

Yesterday evening I talked to my brother's friend over the phone. I hope I am not making it worse for him. It was good for me in a way though. I did need to speak with somebody outside of the family about my brother. He told me that he was best friends with my brother since Freshman year in highschool. That my brother was there for him when he needed it the most, that they had good times together when they were younger but that my brother also put him though hell.

In a weird way it was re-assuring to know that even his best friend had a very difficult relationship with him there near the end.

He said that his divorce really tore him apart.

He also said that he thought my brother just really needed somebody to love him unconditionally.

I had given Rob's (brother's friend) family, the phone number to reach my mother at since she had been the person speaking directly with the coroner etc.

He told me over the phone that my mother seemed emotionless.

It's a bit hard for me, I Don't take much comfort in speaking to my relatives.

Rob my brother's friend had said that he really felt it was time for my brother to die. I know what he means, and he didn't mean it in a bad way. My brother was tormented. It's just hard for me though.

I don't believe my brother wanted to die, I think my brother wanted to live but didn't know how/wasn't able to live life well.

In my mind if only I can understand things enough then I feel like maybe there could have been a solution.

I Know I will have to make peace with it somehow.

ITs' really hard for me to understand what would have helped my brother.

I think my brother wanted my mother to understand how much pain he was in.

[Hopalong]

Wow.
What a meaningful validation to talk to this man, who saw your brother so clearly.
I'm so glad you reached out to him.

I hope you can sit and talk with him more.

That was very powerful to read.

It's validating too, to hear someone else feeling genuine grief.
(You can grieve hard even for people who caused chaos, from their own suffering.)

I understand why he said your brother is okay now.

love
Hops

[Meh]

The other after-math is now my father thinks he is re-connecting with me. And that it's-self is a whole can of worms. My father said in an email the other day that he was thinking about moving to my area and he is asking for my address and all sorts of things. I told him no.

He needs to be in like a retirement community or something where there are other people around. I can't be his only social connection in life.

It's sad we are all kind of loners, myself, my brother and father don't have large social networks.

[Meh]

My mother seems kind of hyper. She keeps saying that she has to "give the house back to the bank". I think she is concerned about the cost of paying the people at the morgue and stuff like that. It's valid because death even costs money...though ...whatever

My father is trying to give me stuff like photographs of me and my brother when we were kids...and I'm not ready to deal with it. I've been crying every day since I found out.

[Meh]

Thanks everybody for your comments.

[Meh]

In the end I don't know if it was personality disorders, alcoholism, emotional pain, physical pain that killed my brother. I guess all of it was too much.

I just feel burdened with his passing away. I don't know what my grieving process is suppose to be.

I really need to build my own life. That is separate from my mother and father etc.

I feel like I knew his death was coming for a long time.


Also I am not sure if I should try to connect with his children or not. I will e-mail their mother I guess and ask them.

[Meh]

PS -- Your Nmama likes drama. And death is a drama.

It doesn't mean she didn't love him at all.
But if she's an N, her love when she can tune into it, is a blunted thing.

Remember that she has a mental illness that means where you might
expect softness, realizations, piercing loss, sorrow...you may see a
lot of weird off-tone, chaotic or confusing reactions instead.

Remember that this is her mental illness and personality disorder.

It is very sad but has nothing to do with your own grief, which
you are entitled to feel in your own way.

I am so sorry you lost your brother, and so tragically.
I would be very glad to hear a story about him -- good things
you remember or feel, as well as the bad.

I won't be able to feel grief when my brother dies, I believe.
Your brother is lucky that you are remembering him with some love.

hugs
Hops

Thanks

[Meh]

I just sent an email to my nephew's mother. They have like 3 grandmother's including my mother Maybe they are fine. I don't know.

Probably I should go out and do something this weekend.

[Meh]

My brother was supposed to get surgery for a pain-pump device. He was on a waiting list for the surgery to get it. There was only one doctor in his area that did that procedure, the wait was long and then they ended up telling him that he couldn't get it done because of his other health problems he wouldn't be a good candidate for it. So that was a recent disappointment for my brother.

There were a lot of factors going on with him, family riffs, unhealthy relationships, my Nar-mother, alcoholism, drug problems, chronic illnesses that he had two spinal surgeries for.

It was maybe just too much for one soul to take any longer.

I'm going through that thing where I am thinking what-ifs. Like what if I had a discussion with my brother about the concept of Narcissism. I'm think my brother never really learned about personality disorders. I think about things like if I had called him and just told him that I loved him....would that have helped him at all. I do wish I had done those things.

I think some people just come into the world with harsh and unfavorable circumstances.

I always wanted to just have a nice BBQ with my brother, like a normal family thing.

[Meh]

There is something that I want to write about but I'm not even sure what it is.

I'm dreading going back to work Tomorrow. I feel like I want a little more time to be able to just feel what I feel instead of going into busy mode.

My brother's friend texted me last night asking me if I was okay, it was really nice, he said he would like to stay in touch that it would be nice to have some connection to my brother. I don't know maybe he is just doing it out of duty or something.

For some reason I think I am having a harder time with my brother's death than anybody else in my family, so be it I guess. My parents seem to be taking it in stride and are having a weird "truce" and seem to be making peace with each other. A little too late really to be any benefit to anybody else but themselves.

[Meh]

Today I moved to a newer/different apartment. It's good because this morning I left behind a condo that I moved back into--but in the past my mother had a place there and my brother lived with me, so it's good to be gone for a handful of reasons. I have a room mate but I also get to have my own bathroom and it's much cleaner and less funky than the other place.

My co-worker flaked out and didn't bring her truck to help me move. So my old room-mate ended up helping me move, I think she wanted to connect with me more. She hugged me like three times. It just takes time to open up to people I guess.

[Meh]

Had to go back to work today. Would like to write more about all of this but...don't have internet at home. I am sitting with my laptop on the sidewalk outside of the local Starbucks..sheesh, this one closes early.

Writing it out off-line doesn't appeal to me at all.

[sKePTiKal]

I really need to build my own life. That is separate from my mother and father etc.

I feel like I knew his death was coming for a long time.

Wow. I just quoted this, coz I think it's important - what you wrote - for YOU.


And I wanted to say, that it seems like you have figured out the grieving the process - the way YOU do it - just fine. There are always gifts in that process, which sometimes we don't notice till later. I know for myself, that old memories and feelings all sorta jumble together and threaten to sweep me off with them in some bouncy tumbleweed sort of way, at first... then, when it all calms down, it's possible to just be one thing at a time... and rest... and figure out what all is now different.

[Meh]

Just tired today.