My brother and just life and stuff

[debkor]

I'm so very sorry Green for your loss.

[Meh]

Am having some canned generic chicken noodle soup.

My father has been sending me daily e-mails about moving/visiting me where I am though I pretty much have discouraged him from doing so. Beyond that I have only really been able to give him short bland answers. His most recent thing is he is saying that he has an issue with my mother not giving him ashes.

My father is rather manipulative, doesn't really seem to hear and understand what I am communicating to him when I say I want space etc. Same ol' crapola.

I don't really want to stay in touch with him, he never really went out of his way to be much of a parent, didn't do anything special for my birthdays when I was a kid, didn't do family vacations, didn't really spend much time doing anything with him really. Shrug, I am old and tired and want very little to do with him. I feel disinterested. Problem is he doesn't have a life of his own he never got re-married and stuff.

Been a really long week, I am tired as heck, I think I will do dishes, walk to the grocery store and then sleep. Exciting life I have!!

I feel zonked out.

[Meh]

Fighting the urge to set my alarm clock, think I will just sleep as long as my body wants to sleep

[Hopalong]

Good.
You've been going through some things that are very exhausting
and you're listening to your needs...let your body rest.

Healthy groceries, rest. And walking.

Good stuff. Good choices.

Hops

[Meh]

Here is the nasty e-mail I sent to my father:

"Can you please stop sending me all these emails about ashes and stuff, if you want to talk to your ex-wife then do it. I don’t care. Leave me out of it. Been sick of this shit for decades.

I don’t want daily reports about this. "

--He was sending me page long e-mails once or twice a day all referencing how he was going to come and see me even though I made it clear the first time he mentioned it that I didn't want to do that. Then he started launching in about my mother not giving him ashes and crap like that...."your mother".....
I mean yeah I know my mother is a nut job but so is my father. NOW I am so old that I DON'T have to be between it.

I was polite at first, I said "I am still grieving, and I don't really want to talk about or deal with this right now"....
But he doesn't take a freaking clue....it's like he doesn't acknowledge or hear what I am trying to communicate to him and I pretty much have to be an asshole about it.

[Meh]

Well I had a cup of coffee, I am going to take a shower and figure out what to do with my day. Probably walk by the farmers market that is close to me.

[Hopalong]

Hey Boat,
You know, I'd love to hear (not that I need to) about how things changed for you.
I am gathering you're homed, working -- that is all such positive change.
Regardless of the How, I'm so glad.

Is there any place or time for a bit of gardening in your new routine?

Hope more new/good things, small or big, keep coming on into your life.

Hops

[Meh]

@ Hops,

The gardening, no, no space or money for at the moment. Oh well. If I really wanted to there is a little balcony here and I could probably put a pot of herbs out there, not gonna fuss with it though. Though I do love gardening! Alternatively I may try to do a little bit of yoga at home or something now that I live someplace with a clean floor, doesn't cost me anything and it would probably be good for me.---That is about it. This morning I went to a farmers market looked at some tie-dyed dress and shirts, just got some lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, basil, onion, came back and made a salad. That is about all so far for my day. Drinking another cup of coffee and had my legs up for a bit.

May go out to some local thrift stores/ try to find a place to get my hair trimmed. Just nothing too important really.

I looked at bouquets of flowers at the farmer's market.

Also last Sunday is when I moved in and the stuff really just got plopped down, I may try to organize a little bit and....IDK, mainly I live out of boxes/bags and it never really gets organized, I barely bother to unpack anymore.

[Meh]

Went out shopping after work at a discount store and bought a new outfit for 18.00 a top and some leggings. Am really tired now, it's midnight.

Wish I could read everything on this board and relax but it's not happening right now.

[Hopalong]

Glad you got some new duds, Boat...
you sound weary but well.

Rest up, be kind to yourself.

Hops
PS--When/if you wanna unpack, I'll cheer you on.
It makes you feel better (I think) to create some small beauty around you.
Peace.

[Meh]

Minutia:

I just unload my minutia here, nobody asks me how my day was when I get home, my room mate was already retired for the night and I got home at 9:30 Pm, after doing time consuming errands after work. Ate some Jalepeno potato chips, made some salad.

Had to go to a group meeting at the temp-to-hire call center job where I am at. At first they said "you are doing customer service, we don't expect you to do sales",...now it's "you are supposed to be doing sales"....."we don't care how long you talk to a customer"...and there are people who walk around constantly telling people to do more chats while they are also on the telephone and setting up returns etc. etc. Some woman claimed that she was ....(something missing from sentence) peshe? called back to somebody else in the call center, I was already talking to a manager about it--then the second call center person walked up to the manager about the same customer...

I better go to sleep, was gonna type something else though now am tired.

[Meh]

It's Sunday night, today I didn't do a whole lot, I went to a thrift store and after not really finding much that I wanted or needed was tired, sat down ate a sandwich and came home and took a nap for about 2-3 hours I think, woke up did some laundry and hand-washed some blouses and such. My room-mate probably thinks I am nuts, I have realized that hand-washing clothes is very out of the norm for most people.

Was thinking yesterday how stone-washed jeans became popular during my life time, cell phones, internet, etc.

Tonight my mother called me and left a message since I didn't hear the phone ring somehow. I texted her only this "I got yr msg"...then she called immediately and started saying she needed me to help her and how....people had said they thought it was a bad idea to make necklaces for the children with ashes in it. I guess one of the kids requested that IDK.

I told her I didn't want to talk about ashes and stuff....It's already dragged out the discussion of ashes and urns, and where the ashes are going to go and with whom.  She then asked me how the job was going, and I said I just want to eat my dinner. Then she was just kind of disgusted with me. She also sent me an email trying to get me to pick out urns for the children and stuff.. I'm not even sure if the children should have that stuff, I think a photo album might be better. She also asked me if I want to scatter ashes with her here, I guess because I am not going to go to the funeral. I don't want to, I feel like it doesn't matter. I just don't want to think about it right now.

I've already told her that my hair has been falling out etc. etc.

She already knows from previous conversations that the job I am doing sucks, that I still don't have any dental/health insurance and that I am not saving any money.
The only reason she called is because she wants me to do something for her.

It doesn't matter anymore. She said "I only have one chance to get it right".....LOL well, it's a freaking funeral. Think something didn't go right already.

I might sleep soon, it's like I have got stress exhaustion that wont go away.

Life just seems massively overwhelming, with nothing ever really getting fixed.

[Meh]

Again, I am just very tired that is all, but I started sipping my sleepy time tea, and it is 10 PM here so it really is time for me to sleep soon. I was gonna come here and biotch because my mother's "side-kick" (my aunt) sent me an email that says how I own my mother more...and my dead brother blah blah blah...but I am way too tired to even complain about it in detail like I usually do.

I'm suppose to be doing something more but I am so tired, I find myself not really stopping until 10 PM at night and still I don't seem to be getting enough stuff done.

Had one important phone call to make, tried to do it on my lunch break but couldn't get through the line. So that didn't happen. Which sometimes happens, the planned things don't work and the unplanned things take over.

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((Boat))))))))))))
((((((((((((((((Bean))))))))))))))
(((((((((((((((((((Buddy))))))))))))))

I have been thinking so much about sleep.
It's part of what I do for work, to read and write about it.

I know it's a mighty healer.
I hope you can get more sleep.

Grief can be exhausting, flattening, gray, heavy.
And piercing, sweet, shocking, beautiful.

It is very tiring.
On top of a tedious job?

Things ARE getting fixed in your life, though...they ebb sometimes.
But what a different place you are in, my friend. You really have
come somewhere. You are not over. You are not done. It is still happening.

For you: 

http://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/8052.Pema_Ch_dr_n

I think any of her books would be a comfort. Or I hope so.

love
Hops

[Meh]

Thanks Hops