Thanks, Lighter, for the comment about the phone bill. Literally, that's what she said. Practically, it's self-sabotage if she snips that lifeline. So I think I'll ask my T about it Monday...and let him help me think it through. My options are:
1) Quietly continue to pay it w/o acknowledgment as I have been, for my own peace of mind (but perhaps risking new fury if she notices or wants a new --more current --power struggle)
2) Communicate (which she does not want but which would reach her) a brief text, such as:
I understand you don't want gifts, and would like to know if my continuing to pay for your cell phone is welcome.
OR
I would like to continue paying for your phone if that's okay. Rather than cut off that support abruptly, if I don't hear from you, my plan will be to keep on through the end of the year. If you want me to stop now, you can let me know. (That way, if she is silent, I know what to do.)
3) Cut it off in pique, or because I choose to literally take her at her ranting word: "I don't want anything from you." It is likely the illness talking but it's also what she said.
That's what I want to walk through with my T. It's so FF-ing complicated!
But the one thing I did see, after this pummeling exchange of nasty texts, is that she's not better, her demonization of me has hardened and become even more extreme. She draws some strength from it, and rages the moment her control of contact is messed with even by a text. I've sent about 4 in two long years. And one letter. But that, to her, is "stalking" (because she posted her address on Amazon and was furious that I had used it to send the sole letter--heartfelt amends letter--to).
It is a no-win situation, and regarding her phone (she's unemployed, NEEDS one) -- I'll just try to figure out the least-bad option.
Back to pooch. Whew. MUCH easier than child.
Thanks PR and Lighter for all the encouragement.
I have read quite a bit and it turns out there is a wide challenge among some experts to Cecar Milan's philosophy...that's where the "cheerful redirection and leadership" rather than "alpha pack-leader dominance leadership" thing comes in. It fits better for me, so I'm working in the latter [edit: whoops, I meant former] way. There are lots of specifics, and it's not passive at all. The attitude is no-nonsense and I'd exert swift physical control on a time in emergency, but this more collegial approach seems to be helping. Some believe it's a bit wacky to try to act out being an animal in a pack, because as human beings with dogs, it really is a different kind of relationship.
Anyhow. We'll see how it all turns out. I'm happy to be doing this.
Is she my substitute daughter? Hah. The thought has occurred...
And PR -- I get you, about what real help is. I am so glad you still have contact with A., so you can offer the kind that is sane. Much light and hope that she continues to find her way... Any news on the kids?
love
Hops