any savvy dogsters here?

[lighter]

But if this person won't call me
and wants nothing, I think that should stop now too.

Well, you're honoring her request, the way I see it.

It's sad because she's unwell, unemployed and needs help.
It's just that she doesn't want it from me. And I accept it.

((((Hops))))

Anyway, back to pooch.

All in all, given that, I think she's a cupcake. And I am discovering
I can direct and guide her without some faux-ferocious dominant
act, which isn't natural to me. Mostly, cheerfully redirecting her
attention and training her to always look to me for leadership,
seems to be the idea. No nonsense and not anxious does it best.

Well, remember Ceasar's Dog Whisperer show, and channel being the pack leader.  The leader isn't always cheerful.  Sometimes the leader is all snappy fingers, and serious faces if I recall correctly.  Maybe even a finger jab in the side here and there to get things back on track.  I went through the same sort of thing with my oldest child as a pre schooler. Well not the finger pokes, but I had to reassure her outright it wasn't her job to keep things on track, the adults had that job.  If that child didn't feel the adult in charge had things in control, that child stepped up and tried to take over.... lots of anxiety about it.  YOU have to let this dog know you're in charge, I suspect, so the dog can relax and be a follower?  Oh heck, I seriously do not know, Hops but I'm sending you pack leader vibes so you and your pooch can relax into a lovely layed back life together.
Wish us luck, it's a happy project. She did great on a challenging
long walk this morning, with scary dogs and strangers running
and a big roaring schoolbus. Just praised her lots and we kept on
going. Now she'll sleep all day long and not be stressed.
It's a wonderful feeling to get up and out and exercise our furry friends, knowing how relaxed and happy they'll be the rest of the day.  I really don't like putting it off till later in the day. 

Good luck, and may the leader vibe be with you.

Lighter
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

And I am discovering
I can direct and guide her without some faux-ferocious dominant
act, which isn't natural to me. Mostly, cheerfully redirecting her
attention and training her to always look to me for leadership,
seems to be the idea.

SOMETIMES, this works with some kids, too. Sometimes, it doesn't.

Last weekend, there were a series of cheesy "God" movies on the tube. It's hot and humid here, and so that keeps me housebound, as I try to adjust to this climate. (Winter is much better, even when the weather is foul and bitter cold, off the ocean.) We watched Evan Almighty again - which I think is my favorite one; it's also the cheesiest. Bruce Almighty came on right after - I think it was a Morgan Freeman marathon - and the relevant bit here... is when Bruce has the Almighty's power... but he still can't get the love of his life to love him, too. God tells him: the job and powers don't come without certain conditions... like Free Will.

By now, I think we all get that your D's illness is probably getting in the way of her really exercising her Free Will. It's got her all wrapped up in the demands of the illness. My youngest is kind of struggling with that, too. It's really hard - even with the gentle reminders that it's OK - for her to admit to herself, accurately assess the situation, and then ask for help. We're workin' on it. I have to remind her that pushing people away, isn't what she really wants to do. I sure hope your D comes to understand that "help" is like energy... the old E=MC2 equation... giving it doesn't use it up; it just gets passed on when she's in a position to help someone else. And it's not a "control" thing, a boundary violation, or a projection thing, either... it's simply gently guiding her along her own path... and finding the right way to get free of the tangled wrappings of the illness, that's got her all locked away in endless, relentless battle. Help is trying to give them the tools to do it themselves.

Self-preservation comes in, too. I've been screamed at on the phone, based on some misunderstanding going on in A's confused mind. After telling her, I get angry when I'm yelled at like that - and hurt too - if she continues, I simply hang up on her. When I had a chance to get a word in edgewise, I explained: I have to protect the me that gets hurt. And I have to protect YOU, from the righteous anger that will erupt in self-defense, if you don't respect this one interaction rule. So, yelling at me like this, is always going to get you cut off - got it? Then, I pat her on the head and tell her I understand why she's angry - but flinging poo at everyone about it, like some howler monkey - kinda prevents people from getting close enough to help.

Where you are is a lot worse, Hops. I think the pooch will help a LOT. What kind is she? Another mix that includes beagle? 

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Lighter, for the comment about the phone bill. Literally, that's what she said. Practically, it's self-sabotage if she snips that lifeline. So I think I'll ask my T about it Monday...and let him help me think it through. My options are:
1) Quietly continue to pay it w/o acknowledgment as I have been, for my own peace of mind (but perhaps risking new fury if she notices or wants a new --more current --power struggle)
2) Communicate (which she does not want but which would reach her) a brief text, such as:
I understand you don't want gifts, and would like to know if my continuing to pay for your cell phone is welcome.
OR
I would like to continue paying for your phone if that's okay. Rather than cut off that support abruptly, if I don't hear from you, my plan will be to keep on through the end of the year. If you want me to stop now, you can let me know. (That way, if she is silent, I know what to do.)
3) Cut it off in pique, or because I choose to literally take her at her ranting word: "I don't want anything from you." It is likely the illness talking but it's also what she said.
That's what I want to walk through with my T. It's so FF-ing complicated!
But the one thing I did see, after this pummeling exchange of nasty texts, is that she's not better, her demonization of me has hardened and become even more extreme. She draws some strength from it, and rages the moment her control of contact is messed with even by a text. I've sent about 4 in two long years. And one letter. But that, to her, is "stalking" (because she posted her address on Amazon and was furious that I had used it to send the sole letter--heartfelt amends letter--to).
It is a no-win situation, and regarding her phone (she's unemployed, NEEDS one) -- I'll just try to figure out the least-bad option.

Back to pooch. Whew. MUCH easier than child.
Thanks PR and Lighter for all the encouragement.

I have read quite a bit and it turns out there is a wide challenge among some experts to Cecar Milan's philosophy...that's where the "cheerful redirection and leadership" rather than "alpha pack-leader dominance leadership" thing comes in. It fits better for me, so I'm working in the latter [edit: whoops, I meant former] way. There are lots of specifics, and it's not passive at all. The attitude is no-nonsense and I'd exert swift physical control on a time in emergency, but this more collegial approach seems to be helping. Some believe it's a bit wacky to try to act out being an animal in a pack, because as human beings with dogs, it really is a different kind of relationship.

Anyhow. We'll see how it all turns out. I'm happy to be doing this.

Is she my substitute daughter? Hah. The thought has occurred...

And PR -- I get you, about what real help is. I am so glad you still have contact with A., so you can offer the kind that is sane. Much light and hope that she continues to find her way... Any news on the kids?

love
Hops

[lighter]

Hops:

So glad to read you're making headway with the darling dog.  I hope you can work into a lovely routine you both enjoy.

sKep:  I'll be keeping you and Hops in my prayers. 

Lighter

[Hopalong]

I took her downtown to the pedestrian main drag last night
and we sat at a cafe. It was so sweeeeeet. She'd clearly never
seen such a parade of people and dogs before and though she
was tense, she stayed alert and interested, and even coped
well when a couple of strangers stopped and gently pet her
(they asked first). I was proud as punch!

And it was a wonderful way to end my own evening, sitting
in the twilight with her, sipping a brew. What a difference
having another being to go "out" with.

The cafe folks downtown here are so welcoming to dogs.
They even bring out special metal water bowls. It's a very
happy scene, with strollig musicians, art hung in trees,
just my favorite thing about this place.

I'm at the point where I can't imagine not keeping her
(of course). We're a good match.

xo
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hopsie, you sound like a good match.  A true and special friend.  You deserve that xx

[sKePTiKal]

Well, H and I were in a bit of a tizzy over "what's going on" yesterday... but it ended hopefully. I don't want to jinx it by saying anything, until after the court date on the 12th. All parties seem focused on the same result right now and my fingers are crossed.

The eval of the oldest boy came back, validating A's claim all along - that the oldest boy is a high functioning Aspie and that his biggest challenge is in decision making. (That explains a lot.) But he does NOT need to be in LD classes at school, and A agrees with my idea, that the LD approach may actually be detrimental to his progress. If the kids go back home, they'll be back in their great school again, and A can work with those folks to get this child some tutoring to get him up to grade level, before he goes on to high school. In fact, she was feeling me out about backing her up in case she has to pay for tutoring because she feels so strongly about this helping him. (Huge, huge change in her attitude; before she was insisting that nothing could be done.)

This will be a monitored situation and family counseling will also be required, if the kids are returned. And I'm well aware that there needs to be on-going interaction, support, and openness between the 3 of us: H, A & I going forward -- that we're not to "normal" relationship yet. Trust levels are still on the low side; A is starting to work through the heavy emotional work which makes communication/relationship awkward; and H & I, because of A's previous level of distrust and lying to us... can very, very easily project our fears of the worst onto the situation, making it even worse. Things are proceeding slowly and I'm even more convinced these days, that everything happens for a reason -- or that we can assign meaning to most things that happen.  Not sure which it is - or that it matters.

OH... and H is trying on a new career: movie special effects! She says it uses a lot of stuff that's in her brain, like math, science, engineering, physics... that she hasn't used in a long, long time... combined with artistic creativity. She is so excited about it, and it's contagious.

[Hopalong]

That's wonderful, PR...so much hope for all of you.
How about the younger boy's eval? Any insights there?
So glad to know the older boy may get a chance at a reset.

Special effects sound like a far cry from nursing, but a great
fit for an imaginative, somewhat intense person...good outlet
for those parts of her.

love,
Hops

[lighter]

Hey, Hops.

I think it's H that's considering the movie effects.... not A, sKep?

About the update..... I got chills reading it.

Still have them.

It appears things are heading in the best possible direction for everyone involved, and they unfolded in their own time, in their own way after all.

Whatever it is you're doing, I think you should keep doing it, ((((sKep and family.))))

Hops:  Glad your pooch had a good experience out in public..... seems promising.  Things can only get better as you two make new friends, and begin socializing with dogs and people on a regular basis.  Reminds me of playdates and children.....

you want your child/dog playdating with peers who have excellent social skills so they learn good ones, right?  Being around other calm, social, relaxed animals, and their owners,  might be just what you guys need to transition into a comfortable routine where you don't have to worry much?  Be mindful.   Maybe start slow.  Good luck: )

Lighter

[Meh]

      >>>>>       http://cdn.trendhunterstatic.com/thumbs/chia-pet-animal-costume.jpeg

I know, I know, it's almost totally off subject. Was trying to find a photo of a mature chia plant which these trendy-nutritional chia seeds come from. Found this instead.

[Hopalong]

EXCELLENT laugh, Boat...thank you!
And not at all off topic.

One of my greatest joys in bonding with this pooch is the daily permission to:
talk silly
act idiotic
make unedited bizarre noises
tell her at length how: perfect, funny, smart, brave, cute, goofy...she is
plop her on my lap for the pure pleasure of the way she sighs, snuggles in cloooooooose, and deposits a small kiss on my nose in appreciation (BOY, I don't know if it's the "rescue gratitude" or the "beagle snuggliness" but this is the CUDDLIEST dog I've ever had!

And I think the Chia pet outfit is plumb awesome.

My pooch, short name LB, is a little wonky in the hind end still, but the surgeon just released her from only-leash-walking so I can now just open the back door and let her run in the yard. First time was an explosion of delight--she'd been penned up and post-serious-surgical for many months. She ran, she spun, she rolled in the grass--and kept looking at me like, are you SURE? Pure joy to watch.

She'll always have a funny gait, but this a.m. she walked well over a mile with my pal and me. She's stronger every day (developing impressive thigh muscles on the rear leg that had the ball/hip part removed...that's how she'll always compensate for the missing bit).
The other leg had had a terrible fracture that was grinding into her knee with every step.

She was so hurt and had lived with it for a long time, untreated. Don't know how many litters she's had, but at least one.

And now, after all that hard stuff...at about age 3, she's discovering how people like her, how life is fun...and every time I take her somewhere new for an adventure...it is so NEAT to watch how she is trusting me to protect her, and though she has some fears, she is just marching along and staying open to new stuff. It was amazing to be on the busy (I mean, hundreds of people walking there) mall the other night...crowded and boisterous and loud, and after a little jitters, she settled down under our cafe table and got through it just fun. Few children wanted to pat her and that went fine too. She's my HERO!

It has changed my life immeasurably to have this living creature to come home to. Worth every bit of cost and inconvenience.

She rescued ME.

love
Hops

[sea storm]

Hey Hops,

Glad to see you are still here. Sorry about problematic puppy. Puppy seems like your daughter is some ways. Tends to bite.
If you offer help to people who don't want it they bite. I have noticed this and I have the tendency to want to help because I can see the big picture. Wounded people and animals need to come to you in their own time. It might take a very long time.

For many reasons my daughter seemed to be in a rage at me.  Some of it was parental alienation because of the naricissist ex husband. Some of it because I was so desperate for her love and heartbroken at the state of our miserable relationship. She found this really repellent.

At the same time I got a resuce cat who was in really bad shape after being mauled by dogs. She lived under my mattress for two weeks and came out when  I was asleep.  She used to be completely freaked out and any hand coming toward her was a fearful thing. She is still a bit scared and I know how to approach her, never from above.And don't do a lot of petting either. She llike to lay on my arm when I read and purr. She bites strangers. With a cat this is not such a problem. She is a wreck and probably alwars will be. She has been through a lot. I just accept her as she is. With daughters this is so much harder.

It is so painfo

[sKePTiKal]

Yep, lighter's got the girls sorted out... it's H that's into making things blow up for the big screen!

Yes, I think there's a reunion gonna take place before school starts. H is gonna fly down and spend a couple days with them, help with the transition for the boys... who rightfully might have some trust issues. The little guy is doing good; sometimes we cross our fingers and count our blessings -- and don't go looking for trouble! Big brother is going to need some intense tutoring between now & HS. He's been in LD classes all through elementary school, and is several grade levels behind. Getting back into his "good" school for the next year or two is a great environment; lots of support.

Mama is back in classes - this time for EMT certification, and is still busy with meetings, counseling, work and classes. (Same stresses as before). But it's only 5 months to go, till she's qualified for a job with a bigger paycheck... I've been clear about helping with daycare and tutoring costs and she understands better, that this is a requirement. (There will be oversight for 6 months and family counseling, too).

I need H to refocus on herself and her life; I sure want to do the same for me. I might get my phase 1 "to-do" list done this year, around the house... and then I need to get out in the community: find where I fit in around here and can be useful.

Hops... LB sounds perfect and finishes off my mental image of your cottage, with flowers and pole beans and a rolly-silly beagle who loves to make you giggle... (I guess WE might bite too... being in unfamiliar circumstances and a little scared... what with our pasts... etc).

 

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Sea...your LUCKY cat is just that, and I'm so glad she's loving company for you.
Bravo for your patience and understanding.

I'm truly not experiencing LB as problematic -- she's pure delight.
The early nips were fear based and only in the house...she's been plucky and increasingly
accepting of strangers every time we venture out. I'm feeling that I can definitely keep
on living with her and enjoying her.

What blows me away about her is how willing she appears to be to move forward,
and leave her wounds behind. (I'm taking notes...)

There have been no more nips. There'll be tests of that, when I have more people come
over...but now I know what to do. I got instructed in my own boundary setting with her
and it's made a huge difference. She needed to learn that it's MY job to be protective
and that apart from burglars (or hopefully, deer--once I put in the dog door)...hers
is to be sociable. Or if not, to be calmly tethered to the piano (long leash and she
can reach her big soft bed) while I have company. It's not a big hassle.

I think once she gets to know regular visitors, she's fine. With one good friend,
there's no longer any need to leash her. It's obvious that they've become friends.

She's not a sad case or a tragedy. She's a reminder of what it's like to come back
and grab life and live it!

Sigh. Daughters...different. I went through another wave of grief yesterday,
unpacking some more memories as I sort some stuff. Hard to accept but I
am most days, able to reclaim my intention to be happy, have a meaningful
life...reach out, find other sources of love and connection.

I am terribly sorry for her, but the fierce wall she's put up can't be taken down
by anybody but her. And it may not happen. That's what I have to face, and
RE-face, in order to move forward. Release release release...

Lighter, sorry I got the girls mixed up but thanks much for the update.
It really does sound hopeful on so many levels. Where the hell would they
be without your support? I can't think about it. They are lucky, all of them.

muchly,
Hops

[lighter]

sKep:

I hope H refocuses her attention on herself.  That would be a relief.

A seems so very busy in the right direction.
If she can manage to juggle all the balls she's launching, please God let those achievements propel her to the next level of personal growth.  Sometimes carving one's own niche is the very best of catalysts.   I'll be crossing my legs and arms, eyes and fingers for A and her boys.
 
And Brava to you and your little beagle pal, Hops.  It's a happy thing to picture unexpected beagle romping.  She must have been so amazed to be pain free, and free to do things she probably can't remember being able to do..... and with her new protector/companion happily looking on.  She likeluy feelsl the happiness and gratitude radiate from your every pore.....

just like you feel hers: )

It's a wonderful day on this thread. 

I want to add that my mom's at MD Anderson receiving the very best of care right now.  She started another round of treatment with the newly approved chemo....... her doc is one of the guys involved in R&D on that drug.  It targets just the cancer cells, anddoesn't enter the bodie's healthy cells...... she won't lose any more hair, or have her immune system devastated is my understanding.  I'm so hopeful!

Somehow, astonishingly I'm prepared for the new school year to begin.  I don't know how with the move, and all the travel, and tending to other things, but there it is.  I have only good things to report, and I'm going to get ready for bed on that note

Nite,
lighter
ps  I found something important today I've been looking for the last 2 weeks!  Whoo hoo!