A slightly repetitive update on 4 siblings and a new outcome:
J., the eldest graduated Gr. 13 , left home for nurses training, met her present husband and has just turned 79. We have nothing in common. She is a golf circuit person and haven’t seen each other for over 15 years. At the time of my last accident she sent a one-liner “I’m sorry for your broken leg” and nothing else. My therapist/friend said that was rather 'callous'.
B. followed along and became the bully of the family. She is the type to blame anyone for everything to take the focus off the mistakes she was making and couldn’t keep secret, i.e. lie about her husband and me, in order to be the innocent party re their divorce. We have had no contact for over 5 years, but was out West here to see me once with her second husband to see his daughters who live not far from me.
Me:; was next and likely overly sensitive, was impacted by teasing, taunting, beatings, more so than the others and grew up believing that no one in the family liked me--- I became rather withdrawn from them at a certain point and chose to not share my personal life.
R. was after me and the “little goody-two-shoes" who happened to fit in the area of having no beatings, and was handed all on a sliver platter, in comparison to the rest
W., my only brother, was my favourite. We never argued or fought. We shared things, like secrets and trust. I named my daughter my Executor and he as second, should something happen to her. This was years ago. When I recently changed my Will I removed both of them and have named two others who are of a better age and location----- when I finally “swallow the bullet”.
So we are up to the stage that he felt he could ‘interfere’ in my personal business and told me that he often didn’t like me as a person (well I know the other 4 didn’t, but my HERO?) In retrospect I arrived at the conclusion that I was the way I was with only my family, as I appeared to be the only one affected by emotional abuse, although 3 other endured the physical abuse, too. They got over it? I didn’t? Different impacts/ perceptions?
He and I corresponded and shared things from early childhood even to the present and his way of expressing himself was better than mine. He is an ex-cop and learned a lot about people, and expressing one’s feelings. I was not as capable, and often used a word, like ‘anxious’ to hear about, in place of ‘looking forward to” hearing" about.
My last email to him was 10 days ago and I thanked him for his way of expressing himself, as I felt he had “reigned in a runaway”, of the family, as I was an “only one”, on the outside, never on the inside, only dark-haired one out of 4 redheads, the first to ‘embarrass the family tree’, yada yada.
OKAY! Even with questions I asked in that last email, he has not responded, so I now have FOUR siblings not in touch with me, as well as my daughter and 3 grandchildren.
In all other areas of my life, whether it’s my employed gals, my sales clerks, my friend/therapist, whoever, I get along fine. They were not the cause of my feeling as the outsider from early childhood, or whatever my D. did to find a reason to not be in contact, and therefore, no one in my family is in my Will.
I don’t hate any of them. We just now have nothing in common, except for them to think I am” the odd one out”. I care what happens, but distance and previous relationships have changed things. That had already developed 72 + years ago.
I will not write any one them, as it would appear I want contact. I really don’t. I just want a connection, the kind I had with my brother up until this year, with us at 70 and 74, and no previous harsh words. I now see it’s been a long time that I had anything in common with any of the four, except for being blood siblings, and it feels like I have been let to , as W. said, “Suck it up, buttercup”. (I still like him the best, as 70 years didn't change that!)
I am not depressed about it, confused as to what to do? Yes! Do it? No! Stick to my friends here? Yes! Make more? No!
So if no contact, the end result would be, as I see it---- none of us will know when there is a death in the family!--between East and West!
Life is a difficult thing to live! But where I am, in spite of my disabilities, I am quite content to live this way, one day at a time, as most are the same, with the help I have, yet have nothing to tell anyone that is of interest to them, (every day is something to watch for re my health) as I am relatively a recluse, going out maybe once a week/2 weeks. I’m selling my car. I think of myself as being self-indulgent, but at the same time, restrained.
I had my friend/therapist in a couple of weeks ago and he thinks all I need is an interest/hobby? But I said that I am not prepared to commit to anything.
(What I would love to do though, is to undergo regressive therapy, LSD, and drag out some memories from 70 +/- years ago and see if there is a block that has ‘hampered’ me all these years!)
Any comments? Would love to hear, if I’ve made this clear!
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Izzy
EDIT: Aha! it's called a "stalemate"!
