Sigh

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

Perhaps you could gain more ground by filing an actual police report, complete with a timeline of all the terrible things your mother has done to you, including those that can be traced back to her.  Are there reports that trace back to her regarding initial complaints about your son?  I thought there were.

At that point, I'd head to the magistrate court and ask for that restraining order against her.

Seems to me those official documents are something that can be turned over to a GP.  That way you're sharing official court documents, and not just spreading gossip, or appearing to spread gossip, rather.

BTW, what would be your goal in informing the GP about your mother's conduct?  To help her?  Tattle on her?  Spoil a relationship she's enjoyed up to this point?  Get the guy thinking, and perhaps asking harder questions?  Perhaps helping to keep your mother under control, which is the only idea that actually makes sense to me. 

If she cares what the GP thinks, and he's been put on notice officially about all the terrible things she's truly done to you, maybe she won't add to the list in hopes of leaving some doubt in the man's mind?

Not sure, but I really hate that she continues to strike out, and harm you and your son. 

WTH?  It takes so little effort to fudge up the works, and your son needs consistent routines he can count on.... not to have services yanked away whenever momzilla decides it's time to have a little fun, pick up the phone, and......

::sigh::

She's so evil, and underhanded, and sneaky, and such a coward while doing it......

it honestly takes my breath away.

Hang in there.  Consider filing that police report, and asking for some kind of protection.  Just bc a sociopath gave birth to you doesn't mean you have no rights in the justice system.  Does it?

Every time she does something, you can continue adding reports.  The woman deserves a file, and so does her child molesting rat bastard husband, IMO.

Why oh why is it so easy to create a lengthy file in the good guys, while the bad guys seem untouchable?!?!?!?!??!

Lighter

Bless you Lighter, your post made me laugh, I can hear the frustration in it, you get to a point where you either laugh or cry, don't you?

The police are a problem at the minute because I've reported both mum and step-dad before and the official police response in both cases was to believe all nonsense told to them by mum (daughter has serious mental health problems, grandson is at risk, not really disabled daughter makes it up, etc, etc).  In the case of my step-dad the official conclusion was that I was waging a war against the family (no joke) - this is despite me providing a photo that didn't provide conclusive proof but certainly isn't something most people keep in the family album and the very long paper trail of false accusations made by my mum (which the police could have accessed more easily and quickly than I am able to because they can get full disclosure and I can't.  So for me to go to them now they'd have to admit the mistakes they've made in previous investigations which could be a sticking point.

So - my way of thinking at the mo is this - my priorities are me and my boy.  Day to day, my son takes up a good twelve hour chunk, plus I am trying to look after myself physically and emotionally at the minute and not wing it on caffeine and adrenalin (although I am allowing chocolate biscuits to help at times).  The paperwork mountain feels like climbing K2 at times so I am on ploughing through it but it's slow going.  I'm still wanting/needing to get solicitors to look at my son's case again re medical negligence due to possible injury during the birth, so that's one area to deal with.  I also thought if I got enough together to get advice from a DV group regarding an injunction I might then be able to go to the police with their support?  Which might be easier than me trying to deal with it on my own again.

The other issue is I still live over the road from my family so I do want to move house.  So I think in my head there's a lot to do and I don't want to get too many things going at once because I think I might crack under the pressure.  I'm thinking me and son first - then his legal case - then injunction - then police - then move.  It might even be easier to involve the police after I've moved - the thought of them getting away with it again when they're on the door step is a bit much for me at the mo.  At least if I'm in a different part of the country there's no chance of bumping into them.  I'm going for a bit of a hare and tortoise approach I think.

Re the GP - what I was thinking is that my mum isn't safe.  I wonder about dementia - it runs in the family and I did mention it to her years ago as her behaviour became more erratic (my nan did the same).  So I was thinking if I sent him the info he could intervene and do something about her.  However, the friend I mentioned it to doesn't think that's the case, she doesn't think he'd have the power to involve himself unless my mum asked him to (which I doubt very much she would) and she also thought it would make it look like revenge on my part which could cause more problems for me in the future.  So I am wondering now whether it's such a good idea.

[Twoapenny]

   I think the best we can do is move on if possible. Like stay in one's own world and own zone.

I would venture to say that most GP's don't really have the time to treat people thoroughly or change people or whatever.

I think maybe do something meaningful with the paperwork, have a copy or something in case you need it one day but for the most part my gut response is just don't do it, because it's more enmeshment.

It would probably only be useful if it was a legal submission in a battle or if she wasn't an independent adult and you had some kind of custody over her.

Bleh, my opinion is to try to un-enmesh by not involving one's-self.  I'm not sure what exactly the paperwork is but Doctors are mainly into things written by nurses or doctors otherwise it probably is just filed at the very back of a folder.

Hi Green,

Yes, you are probably right.  Some things need to be done for my son's sake but, yes, it's gone on for too long now.  I am looking forward to getting it all dealt with, filing what we need to keep and burning everything else

[Twoapenny]

Wow.  Well my younger sister just turned up on the door step.  We've been estranged now for about ten years.  She was very enmeshed with mum.  But she has made some choices that have displeased her ladyship and mum has turned on her and is doing to her what she's done to me, and enlisting the help of others as she did with me.  She has that same bewildered look on her face that I think I wore for several years when I first tried to escape.

We've had a chat - nothing heavy, but I am relieved she seems to be seeing the light and is putting some distance between them.  She has a new chap who seems to have cottoned on to mum very quickly (one of the things they've rowed about) and he seems to be giving her good advice about putting herself first and thinking of her kids rather than mum.  I've told her to keep her head on herself and her family and not to let mum play mind games with her.  We've left it that we'll speak again and perhaps meet up for a walk or something at some point.

I'm glad she came round.  I'm particularly glad that her kids don't/won't be spending all their time with granny.  That's always worried me (and him as well).  There's not been a big kiss and make up - there will need to be some heart to hearts at some point in the future.  But it was a very unexpected turn of events and I am feeling that odd sort of gladness when someone else sees it for what it is and you know for definite that it's not you that's got the problem.

[lighter]

Lordy, Tupp.'

You can only do what you can do, and knowing your limits is part of staying sane.

Be mindful about your relationship with previously estranged sister.  I don't necessarily believe she's there for you...... do you?

In any case, one bite at a time.  The elephant will still be there, and you can eat, look at it, walk away, or a combination of each.

I like the idea of getting support from a dv group, and you deserve support and compassion from people who really get what you've been dealing with.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Lordy, Tupp.'

You can only do what you can do, and knowing your limits is part of staying sane.

Be mindful about your relationship with previously estranged sister.  I don't necessarily believe she's there for you...... do you?

In any case, one bite at a time.  The elephant will still be there, and you can eat, look at it, walk away, or a combination of each.

I like the idea of getting support from a dv group, and you deserve support and compassion from people who really get what you've been dealing with.

Lighter

Yep I'm following the 12 steps   I'm just glad she's getting herself and the kids out of the situation and there is that odd/horrible sense of relief when someone else finally validates what you've been saying for so many years because the same thing has happened to them (or is happening to them).  Even though I knew it was real someone else coming by and saying 'Yep, me too' gives me enormous relief.

[Twoapenny]

Well I am plodding on with the paperwork.  There is just, physically, so much of it, that organising it is a bit of a headache.  I don't know what the solicitors will need and what they won't and I'm trying to get it in such a way that I can easily find anything they ask for, rather than having to plough through mountains of stuff every time they phone.

It has occurred to me today that this situation finally being over - whatever happens or whatever the outcome - will be a really big change in my life.  My mum has dominated my life with my son for a decade.  However much I've tried to focus on him - and I have done that as much as possible - her spooky shadow has always been there in the background, threatening to undermine anything and everything I am doing.  I realised that there is a little bit of me that is scared of this not being here any more.  It has been a crutch at times; something to hide behind and avoid doing things because of.  So while it being out of the way is obviously a good thing I think I need to focus on getting some positive stuff to fill my time with.  I don't want to leave a hole that can be filled with more unpleasantness

I think I'm about a third of the way through now.  It isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be.  One thing that does strike me as being ironic is the huge focus my mum has had on my mental health and the (supposed) abuse of my son, whilst she is completely oblivious to the mental health problems she has and brought us up in a horribly abusive household which she insists was lovely.  I'm also struck by the number of professionals over the years who have believed my mum over me.  My diagnosed, treated and under control mental health condition undermined my credibility, whilst my mother's undiagnosed and untreated whatever it is she has was no barrier whatsoever to the lies that she told.  It's a funny world we live in

[Meh]

Yep I'm following the 12 steps   I'm just glad she's getting herself and the kids out of the situation and there is that odd/horrible sense of relief when someone else finally validates what you've been saying for so many years because the same thing has happened to them (or is happening to them).  Even though I knew it was real someone else coming by and saying 'Yep, me too' gives me enormous relief.

The alcoholics anonymous steps?

YES, that is a common thing with the results of being in a relationship with a Nar is that one questions one's own "rightness of mind" 

Validation is very much needed to know that you were not the problem yourself as Nar's tend to make us think

I found Validation huge for my sanity but also somewhat sad and depressing all at the same time because it simultaneously confirms the worst

[lighter]

Tupp....

do yu feel like you;'re sneaking up on closure?

Does it feel it's real?

Like it will truly be done and behind you, or do you think it's just the beginning of another round?

Please keep us updated on the dv advice and support you receive.  I'm hoping they add perspective, validation, and ideas to the pot.

Hugs to you and your darling boy,
light

[Hopalong]

I totally understand how the moments of validation, acknowledgement of the same reality from your sister were very important and healing for you, Tupp. I think what that is, is "I HAVE A WITNESS."

I have felt the same way on some small occasions with friends, who had observed my mother and got it about her self-absoprtion. But the biggest events were:

1) When a judge, in a courtroom, said NO to my abusive brother, who is so beyond N as to be sociopathic

2) And, very ironically, when my mother herself dropped her denial of his abusiveness to me, just for a few golden moments in a nursing home garden. She acknowledged that he had always, always hurt me, and said, "What is the MATTER with that boy?" Sadly, it was her own genes, most likely, that explained a lot of him. But having her say that, confirming the reality I experienced as a little child, was enormous. In near extremis, and at 98, she was able at last to speak that truth out loud.

I am glad your sister came, for what that gave to you.

xo
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Yep I'm following the 12 steps   I'm just glad she's getting herself and the kids out of the situation and there is that odd/horrible sense of relief when someone else finally validates what you've been saying for so many years because the same thing has happened to them (or is happening to them).  Even though I knew it was real someone else coming by and saying 'Yep, me too' gives me enormous relief.

The alcoholics anonymous steps?

YES, that is a common thing with the results of being in a relationship with a Nar is that one questions one's own "rightness of mind" 

Validation is very much needed to know that you were not the problem yourself as Nar's tend to make us think

I found Validation huge for my sanity but also somewhat sad and depressing all at the same time because it simultaneously confirms the worst

Yes I completely get what you're saying there, Green, it's reassuring and horrible at the same time.  Realising you feel relieved that someone else has been treated as badly as you is horrible   But also shows you're not the one with the problem.  And not the AA steps in the literal sense but just in the sense of dealing with an addiction/unhealthy relationship and taking it slowly, one day at a time, checking in here and thinking it all through.

[Twoapenny]

I totally understand how the moments of validation, acknowledgement of the same reality from your sister were very important and healing for you, Tupp. I think what that is, is "I HAVE A WITNESS."

I have felt the same way on some small occasions with friends, who had observed my mother and got it about her self-absoprtion. But the biggest events were:

1) When a judge, in a courtroom, said NO to my abusive brother, who is so beyond N as to be sociopathic

2) And, very ironically, when my mother herself dropped her denial of his abusiveness to me, just for a few golden moments in a nursing home garden. She acknowledged that he had always, always hurt me, and said, "What is the MATTER with that boy?" Sadly, it was her own genes, most likely, that explained a lot of him. But having her say that, confirming the reality I experienced as a little child, was enormous. In near extremis, and at 98, she was able at last to speak that truth out loud.

I am glad your sister came, for what that gave to you.

xo
Hops

Thanks, Hops.  I am glad you got those moments of validation.  It really does make a difference doesn't it?  I was thinking today and around thirty people who were involved in some way have not validated any of it.  It's hard to keep it in perspective when so many people refuse to take any of it seriously.  So yes, I'm glad she came and I'm especially glad she's getting her kids out of that situation and also to hear that they rarely spend time there alone (I have really worried about her daughter with that man.  So it's good to know they've not been round there day and night).

I am equally proceeding with extreme caution.  I know when I tried to break free it took several attempts, so my sister may do the same and to and fro.  I'm aware that talking to my sister means my mum will be back in my life in the sense that my sister will want to talk it through.  There will need to be some very deep conversations, I think, about her role in this at times and about things that I did when we were kids.  Those will be tough conversations to have and might not go well.  We will need, at some point, to talk about the sexual abuse.  Equally I don't want to tell her anything about my life because I don't want it getting back to my mum.  If my mum finds out we're in touch she'll hit the roof and we all know what happens then.  Plus as much as I'd love to see my sister's kids (I just cried after she left, I've missed them so much) it isn't fair to involve them in this until we've sorted out our own situation (or not, depending on how it goes).  So I'm taking it very slowly and one step at a time.  We're meeting up for a walk one day this week.  We'll see how that goes and take it from there.  But yes, I'm glad she got in touch and it would be really nice if she and I could end up with some sort of relationship that my mum can't control.

[Twoapenny]

Tupp....

do yu feel like you;'re sneaking up on closure?

Does it feel it's real?

Like it will truly be done and behind you, or do you think it's just the beginning of another round?

Please keep us updated on the dv advice and support you receive.  I'm hoping they add perspective, validation, and ideas to the pot.

Hugs to you and your darling boy,
light

It's a bit of both, Lighter.  The medical side of things will be largely in the hands of solicitors - if there's a case they'll deal with most of it and I'll just hand over paperwork when necessary.  There may be a court case but as I understand it medical stuff is often settled out of court because it's cheaper.  So that part of it will be done at some stage and it isn't fussing me too much.

What is bothering me more is the false allegation stuff.  I've pulled out two files today to sit down and go through them - and discovered the work's already been done.  It's neatly filed, everything's dated, there's a list of what's in the box and what it can be used for and cross referenced with and an explanation of anything in it that isn't obvious.  I don't remember doing it.  So I'm a bit worried the whole thing freaks me out so much I disassociate and then don't remember what I've done.  The only good part to that is that I still seem to do good work when I have no idea I'm doing it

Any sort of encounter with my mum causes problems.  If I do get an injunction she won't go down without a fight.  If we get to court and it's not granted she'll have a field day.  There are other people she can terrorise too and then they'll be on the phone moaning about it all.  So where she's concerned I suspect this could be the start of her causing problems all over again.  Having said that I can't just do nothing, the woman's a menace.  I've drafted an email to the DV agency and will send it off tomorrow and see what they come back with. 

Thanks for the hug.  Right back at ya! xx

[lighter]

Tupp....

do yu feel like you;'re sneaking up on closure?

Does it feel it's real?

Like it will truly be done and behind you, or do you think it's just the beginning of another round?

Please keep us updated on the dv advice and support you receive.  I'm hoping they add perspective, validation, and ideas to the pot.

Hugs to you and your darling boy,
light

It's a bit of both, Lighter.  The medical side of things will be largely in the hands of solicitors - if there's a case they'll deal with most of it and I'll just hand over paperwork when necessary.  There may be a court case but as I understand it medical stuff is often settled out of court because it's cheaper.  So that part of it will be done at some stage and it isn't fussing me too much.

What is bothering me more is the false allegation stuff.  I've pulled out two files today to sit down and go through them - and discovered the work's already been done.  It's neatly filed, everything's dated, there's a list of what's in the box and what it can be used for and cross referenced with and an explanation of anything in it that isn't obvious.  I don't remember doing it.  So I'm a bit worried the whole thing freaks me out so much I disassociate and then don't remember what I've done.  The only good part to that is that I still seem to do good work when I have no idea I'm doing it

Any sort of encounter with my mum causes problems.  If I do get an injunction she won't go down without a fight.  If we get to court and it's not granted she'll have a field day.  There are other people she can terrorise too and then they'll be on the phone moaning about it all.  So where she's concerned I suspect this could be the start of her causing problems all over again.  Having said that I can't just do nothing, the woman's a menace.  I've drafted an email to the DV agency and will send it off tomorrow and see what they come back with. 

Thanks for the hug.  Right back at ya! xx

Tupp:

It's alarming to see all that work without remembering having organized and filed it away, huh?  It makes me feel kind of shaky inside for you when I think about it.  I guess you're grateful, to find it completed, and alarmed at the same time.

I know one thing..... it's terrible for anyone to have to experience a sustained attack against us and our children.  It's much worse if the person doing the stalking is someone in a position of trust, like a mother, or husband, IME. 

No one wants to believe that kind of truth, in any case.  No one.   It's difficult to speak about it, without being punished and judged by outsiders.  Maybe the DV folks have information on speaking so you can be heard and understood, instead of dismissed, ignored and punished. 

I'm praying the courts step up, do right by you, and deliver justice in whatever form it takes.

Lighter     

[Twoapenny]

Ah thanks, Lighter, it did freak me out a bit but equally it means there's less to do now so that was good!  I'm finding it all easier to get through now, maybe discovering or acknowledging that has shifted something?  I don't know.

Reading through my old psychiatric notes has been quite revealing, the attitudes often seem to be quite harsh and unpleasant.  Funny, really, I think when you're in a tough place what you often need is tea and sympathy and I've found a lot more of that online than I did anywhere else.

But I'm quite pleased with the progress I'm making with it and I'm keeping up with other stuff as well (usually I get so into this sort of thing that I don't do other stuff and it all gets a bit much).  So it's going okay, I feel like the end is in sight.  Either way, I do feel like this year is the year I can put it all to bed.

Hugs to you and your girls

[lighter]

Tupp:

My hope is that your mum won't be able to hide behind her lies and manipulations when this goes to court.....

as Mud always said....

"It's hard for the pd's to hide in the harsh light of a courtroom."

You've done all you can do, and I pray it's enough to bring you peace.
Lighter