Just when you thought it was safe .............................

[Twoapenny]

Mum's been in touch.  I did wonder, when my sister told me they'd fallen out, if she'd get in touch with me.  She needs to have someone under her spell at all times, I think.  A card from her royal majestiness arrived this morning; I am pleased to report that I do not seem to have had a strong or intense reaction to it, other than feeling a bit sad but I think that is understandable and acceptable given the circumstances.  She's asking if she can send my son some money and has said if she receives no reply she'll assume no, I am not going to reply!  I just felt a bit sad that (a) she's so predictable, (b) even now that her sixth child! is backing out she still doesn't realise/think that perhaps it might be something she's doing and she ought to think about her behaviour and (c) money is still the only way she can communicate.  It just seems such a sad way to try to interact with people.

I've put the card in the box of stuff that might be needed one day (if we ever get to court) but as I say it hasn't had the sort of effect on me that it would have done once upon a time so I am quite pleased in a way that she got in touch, simply because it's shown me how far I've come and how much things have healed for me. 

[Izzy_*now*]

Hi Twoap

From my experience, it is NEVER safe!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

xx
Izz

[Meh]

Yah, they always seem to be lurking.

[lighter]

(((((Tupp)))))

I'm so sorry.....

it's like a sad little sucker punch to the solar plexus.....

but it's always a punch, isn't it?

Light

[Twoapenny]

Thank you, Iz, Green, Lighter.  It is a little punch but I truly am pleased that I haven't fallen to bits or had a huge reaction to it.  It's been a few days now as well so there's been time for a delayed reaction to kick in!  I think it's a good sign.

One thing I have thought about is the degree of control she needs to have.  In the card she has written what she wants do and has given me two options in response to it.  There's still no space for me in it.  She can't/won't get in touch and say "I'd like to sort this out.  How do you feel, what do you want, what can I do to change this situation?"  Because of course that would mean she isn't in control of it.  So she makes her offer - cash on a regular basis - and then gives instructions of how to respond yes or no.  She also mentions that she puts money away for him and will carry on doing so.  It seems to be all she can think of - money, money, money.

I did think about writing to her, explaining how much damage she's done to him, confronting her with a list of all the lies she's told, all the medical issues that have been fudged or misdiagnosed because she kept giving people the wrong information, stating, again, that her husband sexually abused me, as well as having goodness only knows how many affairs and treating everyone like shit.  I did think about saying 'Meet with me, I want to tell you to your face'.  And I thought about making it clear that it's actually my son that doesn't want to see her, not me stopping him from doing so (although I have to say if he ever did want to see her there's no way I'd allow it unsupervised but that's a whole other issue) and that he'll never be able to manage his own money because of his learning difficulties, so unless we are so skint there's no alternative but to accept it from her, the money she's planning to give him when he turns 18 will be going to charity (and preferably one that offers counselling to domestic abuse survivors or something similar).  So I did think about all of that.  But there is, as you all know, absolutely no point and all I'll be doing is opening the door again and I don't want to do that.

So my boundary gate is staying firmly closed!  I've got this place to let off a little steam if I need to (thank you, Dr G!), I'm moving forward with plans for myself and my boy to make our lives easier and more enjoyable, I'm trying to eat better and get more exercise and my mum is staying in the past where she needs to be.

[lighter]

Wow,(( Tupp.))

It feels good just to write it all out, and get it outside your head, doesn't it?

Your mum isn't ever going to understand, or listen or protect you... she'll always choose manipulation, control and harm. 

So wise, what you wrote about her not asking you what you need, want or feel..... it's always going to be about her, and control.

She's broken.

She can't do any better.

She's never going to be able to.

I'm glad you don't feel you need to respond.

I think she's taken enough from you already.

Lighter

[Meh]

Yah, I am glad for this place too. Thanks G

Tup, my experience isn't so much that it felt easier for me to have the closed gate with family because that also equaled me not having a family-- though the more I took space and time away from them I was more able to see the situation from a less -entangled perspective and the more clear their problems appeared to me.

Now I feel like I have the problem of being family-less and alienated but Ces't la vie.. I will have to work on that as one of my own issues.

When my brother died the response that my mother and father had wasn't a "hiatus" from their shenanigans-- it was more of an clearer pain to see that even in my brother's death.. their behavior was the same.

I think what we really need is alternative surrogated experience ... not really like a surrogate mother... just good friends, or good community... Or personal peace or something.

Good luck. It's a constant rat race    

Wishes for getting beyond the bailing water point and have some smooth sailing ahead      (or actually that is how I feel)

I guess for you it is congratulations on holding your ground and creating space and a life for you and your son.     Kids totally deserve to be free and happy

[Twoapenny]

Wow,(( Tupp.))

It feels good just to write it all out, and get it outside your head, doesn't it?

Your mum isn't ever going to understand, or listen or protect you... she'll always choose manipulation, control and harm. 

So wise, what you wrote about her not asking you what you need, want or feel..... it's always going to be about her, and control.

She's broken.

She can't do any better.

She's never going to be able to.

I'm glad you don't feel you need to respond.

I think she's taken enough from you already.

Lighter

Ha, me too!  I do feel sad about it - not having a mum (or any family, really) is tough.  But the choice is abuse and negating myself or being on my own and it's definitely the latter for me.

On a more positive note - I don't know if it's coincidence or if something has shifted on some small level because of my lack of reaction to her getting in touch, but I have been chucking out loads of stuff that I've hung onto in case she made more accusations against me.  I've accumulated lots of stuff that 'proves' I'm educating my son well and 'proves' he has problems and 'proves' I'm not crazy, and I've hung onto for years longer than was necessary.  I don't mean things that might help if/when the lawyers get involved, but for example I'd buy reference books that my son isn't interested in (and that we don't need because we can look stuff up online or go to the library) but they make the room look 'schoolish' so I'd get them to try to stave off future accusations.  But this week I've just felt like they're not necessary; they're part of her thing, not mine, so they've all gone to the charity shop.

On a similar note I've been clearing out examples of my passive approach to life (only just realising just how passive I've been over the years).  There's loads of stuff that people have given me or that I've picked up just in case we might need it, and very little that's been about me thinking 'I really want to do that' and going out and getting the stuff I need.  So there's more boxes of stuff for either the charity shop or the dump.  I just don't feel as frightened anymore.

[Twoapenny]

Yah, I am glad for this place too. Thanks G

Tup, my experience isn't so much that it felt easier for me to have the closed gate with family because that also equaled me not having a family-- though the more I took space and time away from them I was more able to see the situation from a less -entangled perspective and the more clear their problems appeared to me.

Now I feel like I have the problem of being family-less and alienated but Ces't la vie.. I will have to work on that as one of my own issues.

When my brother died the response that my mother and father had wasn't a "hiatus" from their shenanigans-- it was more of an clearer pain to see that even in my brother's death.. their behavior was the same.

I think what we really need is alternative surrogated experience ... not really like a surrogate mother... just good friends, or good community... Or personal peace or something.

Good luck. It's a constant rat race    

Wishes for getting beyond the bailing water point and have some smooth sailing ahead      (or actually that is how I feel)

I guess for you it is congratulations on holding your ground and creating space and a life for you and your son.     Kids totally deserve to be free and happy

I know exactly where you're coming from there, Green, not having a family is tough and just not having one makes you feel like the odd one out in so many situations.  But I suppose you're caught between a rock and a hard place - it's either accept a lot of abusive behaviour or be on your own.  Neither one is a great option.

I agree that a surrogate/replacement family would be/is wonderful.  Like you, though, I do find relationships hard work, although it is starting to get a little bit easier, I must admit (about time!).  And yes, smooth sailing - wouldn't that be wonderful

I think my son has been pivotal in my getting my life together.  He is so much happier than I ever was at that age (or any age, to be honest) and that alone is a really big incentive for me.

Here's wishing your smooth sailing comes sooner rather than later xx

[lighter]

Tupp:

Hear! Hear! to chucking out old stuff, and making space for things you actually use. 

We've been doing the same here..... the garage got a top to bottom clean out.

Walls washed down.... windows.... trim.  Huge lift in spirits. 

 It's time for phase II.... getting rid of less obvious items.

Here comes Spring!

lighter

[Meh]

I think we all just stated our Spring time resolutions

[Twoapenny]

Well the physical clearing out has been going well, emotionally I'm in bits at the minute, I know it's good to let it all out but it's so tiring and unpleasant when it's happening!  It's not even my mum that I'm upset about; I miss my dad terribly at times like this and I can't escape the awful sense of knowing that around thirty people could have stepped in and done something and nobody did.

I took my son to my dad's grave yesterday and what struck me as we got out of the car was that I'd spent more time talking to my son about my dad and explaining about what happens when someone dies in order to prep him for taking some flowers there than my mum did when we were going to my dad's funeral.  How does someone take their kids to bury their dad and not bother to have even a little chat with them about it before they go?  I don't remember a single person hugging or touching me on that day; my mum was outside after the funeral wailing (this is bearing in mind she'd thrown him out six months before and they were almost divorced, just waiting for the final paperwork) and everyone was either circled around her or standing to one side ignoring the whole thing.  My sister and I were standing on our own watching everything happen.  We were six and eight.  What is wrong with these people?  Even given the way raising kids changes from one generation to the next how can human beings stand beside kids who've just lost their dad and not just give them some sort of comfort or acknowledgement?  Even on the day we buried him she made sure all eyes were on her.  Surely someone should have bothered with us?!

[Hopalong]

Wow. What a vivid description of a pure N-display, Tupp.
How awful for you. I am so sorry you didn't have that basic kindness and comfort.

Reminds me of when I was in an accident, with damage to my face.
When my Dad brought me back from the emergency room with stitches and bandages, Nmom took one look and said, "I can't handle this!" and fled. (Errrr...I was feeling a bit traumatized. But no, it was HER trauma, all about her...no comforting on the menu...). But I had my good Dad, and I was 18.

I'd multiply that feeling I had by 1000, to even guess how it felt for you and your brother standing there, neglected.

 
Hops

[lighter]

I don't know what was wrong with all the Aunts, and Uncles, and Clergy......

it seems so odd that such young children should be left to stand there, on their own, and soldier up alone.

I'm so sorry your FOO failed you so profoundly, on so many levels.

Not just with your father's death, and the funeral, but in every other way they failed you.

(((((cyber hug to young Tupp and sister at father's funeral))))

You're a good mama, Tupp.  Your son is lucky to have such a wonderful advocate.

::nodding::
lighter

[Twoapenny]

Wow. What a vivid description of a pure N-display, Tupp.
How awful for you. I am so sorry you didn't have that basic kindness and comfort.

Reminds me of when I was in an accident, with damage to my face.
When my Dad brought me back from the emergency room with stitches and bandages, Nmom took one look and said, "I can't handle this!" and fled. (Errrr...I was feeling a bit traumatized. But no, it was HER trauma, all about her...no comforting on the menu...). But I had my good Dad, and I was 18.

I'd multiply that feeling I had by 1000, to even guess how it felt for you and your brother standing there, neglected.

 
Hops

Thanks, Hops.  I'm sorry that your mum wasn't able to comfort you, either.  I can't get my head around someone seeing someone they love injured like that and not responding with at least some sympathy?  I hope the injuries cleared up quickly; injuring your face is horrible but at 18 it must have been scary to wonder whether it would heal or not?  I'm glad your dad was there for you.  It's funny how you can get a nice one married to a not so nice one?