Scared of what other people think

[Twoapenny]

Is anyone else scared or worried about what other people think if they reveal to them dark secrets or some of the things that go through their heads or the way that they feel sometimes?

I've been writing and I realise how frightened I am of the way the things I write would be perceived by other people - that they're proof that I'm nuts/delusional/mentally ill/pick your description.  For example, at the minute I feel like someone was created when I was young to protect me from the abuse. I feel like she built a shell around me that is hard to get down, even now, because she's still so scared of what might happen.  It does feel like two distinct, separate people, but I am so frightened when I write something like that (even in my own diary) that it could be taken as 'proof' that I have a split personality or that I genuinely believe I am two different people (that isn't how it feels but it's hard to put these sorts of things into words).  I realised the reason I don't tell people a lot of stuff is because I'm so scared of what they might do with that information afterwards and how it might affect the way they see or behave towards me.  I'm scared of anything other than the 'Stepford Wife' approach because I feel that people have used intimate knowledge in the past to attack and degrade me (or even control me, in my mum's case).  Sorry rambling on a bit, just wondered if anyone else has similar problems?

[Hopalong]

I just think you're not "split" Tupp...you're just creative and very skilled with language.
I believe you are a whole person.

You might consider that in ordinary language and more ordinary descriptions, there are many hints that people often do that sort of "walling off" to protect themselves. We have common ideas in the culture like:
inner child
trust issues
I have trouble letting my guard down
inner self
don't easily share myself with others

Stuff like that. It's all a question of degree but you haven't "split" in my opinion. You're just aware that there is a surface "you" who is fiercely guarded, and that so far, it hasn't yet been safe to be all integrated and unguarded, but you are on an intentional, healing path.

I think you are instinctively and fiercely protecting her with your surface "act" and that this is a perfectly logical response to your early experience. Of course it affected you that way. I also think that with time and the kind of healing you're doing, you will be able to soften your guard and gradually, safely, begin finding out what it's like to let those divided parts grow togethere...and knit a stronger, less anxious self.

You'll just show your real face because it'll be that wise, healed self. Healing just takes the time it takes, that's all. Be kind with yourself. Don't add a new "label" to beat yourself up with.

You don't have to be perky or perfect or positive all the time, you know.

hugs
Hops

[lighter]

::Raising hand::

Anyone who's lived under siege, esp those who've been fielding false accusations that could land them in a courtroom proceeding that takes their children, lives the way you've been living, Tupp.

The pd's create trauma, then point to it......

like they had nothing to DO with it.

Lord knows, you don't want to hand them anything that helps them in their cause.

And.... you likely do have defense mechanisms the child-you developed to stay safe when you were young.  Maybe those aren't serving you as well in your adult life?

Are you still seeing a T?  Do you feel seeing a T will be used against you in some way?  Or can you go in, be completely honest, and get everything off your plate, warts and all.  They say everyone needs to tell everything about themselves, good and bad, to someone in order to feel accepted, and OK on the earth. 

Have you ever had that, Tupp? 

lighter

[Twoapenny]

Thank you both.  I think part of the problem is I don't feel safe telling anyone all of it.  I judge what people can handle.  I find most people aren't as supportive/helpful/non-judgemental as the people on this board.  Thank goodness it's here.  There are very few people in real life I could talk to about this sort of thing.

Not even a T, Lighter, my worry is that I know the courts could access my therapy records if they wanted to.  So even there I'm guarded with what I talk about.  I'm not currently seeing anyone.  I'm on the waiting list with a Rape Crisis centre.  Even that worries me.  I think the after effects of trauma tend to be emotional/mental health related.  So talking about them openly, honestly, feels like I'm laying out possible ways I could be accused of failing him.  They can never guarantee complete confidentiality because they have to report if they have concerns about a child or that you might harm yourself.  That's the bit that scares me, getting someone who thinks everyone with MH issues should be monitored.  So it's all those things on my mind that I have to lay to rest before I start opening up even a little bit.

I think there are just a lot of triggers at the moment.  Contact from mum and sister, obviously, my dad's anniversary, my son's birthday is coming up and he'll be the age I was when the abuse started, they're all things that are pushing at the minute, I think.  On the good side we should be able to start looking to move soon and I think that will help enormously now.  I really need to be away from them and not be thinking I might bump into one of them every time I leave the house.

I'm also tired of not being listened to, not being heard.

Told my sis not to turn up during the day, make an arrangement first.  Didn't see her for a year, now she's turning up when she feels like it.
Told step-brother he needs more help than I can give him, he needs to make arrangements, he hasn't, keeps turning up asking me to do things for him.
A friend this evening wanted to come round, I said I was too busy, tried twice more to convince me to drop my own plans so that she can come over.

They're not big things on their own but it's more to deal with.  I get tired of saying the same things to people.  How much clearer do you need to be?

It's all good, in a way, more comes up that you need to shift and once it's shifted it gets easier.  It's just that messy bit in between that's a pain.  Thank you for being there.

[lighter]

Tupp:

I understand the problem you have with asking for help, then being afraid it'll be used against you.

I solved that problem by seeking help (from a holistic doctor) under a false name.

That way, I knew I wouldn't ever have to deal with fallout, and could go about doing what I needed to get the best possible outcome for me and my children.

You deserve to have that too.

(((((Tupp and son))))))

Do what you need to do.

Lighter

[Meh]

Sigh,

I feel like I have an uptight-thinker-thinker-thinker RUNNING my life and it's not the real me. Making all my decisions, obsessing, planning, trying, trying, trying, control, thinking. Ahhhhh

She is miss doo-doo list (aka to-do list)

She takes over most of my life. She does the same safe things over and over and over.

She probably developed in school:  don't get made fun of, sit still, stay in your desk, answer, answer with the RIGHT answers or else... you are bad.. monitor monitor

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

I understand the problem you have with asking for help, then being afraid it'll be used against you.

I solved that problem by seeking help (from a holistic doctor) under a false name.

That way, I knew I wouldn't ever have to deal with fallout, and could go about doing what I needed to get the best possible outcome for me and my children.

You deserve to have that too.

(((((Tupp and son))))))

Do what you need to do.

Lighter

That is a stroke of genius.  Am on it

[Twoapenny]

Sigh,

I feel like I have an uptight-thinker-thinker-thinker RUNNING my life and it's not the real me. Making all my decisions, obsessing, planning, trying, trying, trying, control, thinking. Ahhhhh

She is miss doo-doo list (aka to-do list)

She takes over most of my life. She does the same safe things over and over and over.

She probably developed in school:  don't get made fun of, sit still, stay in your desk, answer, answer with the RIGHT answers or else... you are bad.. monitor monitor

G, you have described that so well, someone else constantly planning, monitoring, controlling - if you do this it will be okay, if you do that they won't get you, if you act like this no-one will know - on and on and on.  And like you say, that isn't the real person inside, she's still buried in there somewhere waiting to get out.

[fraidycat]

I've often felt that way and have kept a guarded shield of armor on for most of my life. After being treated and judged unfairly it makes sense to protect yourself. That's not crazy, it's smart. It took me a lot of time to trust again. Keeping a distance from toxic people and surrounding yourself with good people that you can trust really helps. No hurry, trust yourself. One nice thing about opening up when your comfortable is the understanding support and empathy you receive...I never thought that was possible. It is. Putting your foot down and standing your ground is the best gift you can give yourself right now.

[Hopalong]

Wow.
Every
single
post

on this thread is people saying...I value myself...I am interested in myself...I see what's going on with myself...I am feeling my real feelings...I see where I want myself to grow....

Awe.

Hops

[sea storm]

It sounds like you are feeling a lot of anxiety which feels like losing your mind if its intense enough. As for trusting a therapist .... you can request that you don't want notes taken. Many therapists don't take notes for the very reasons you mentioned. Those notes can be supoenad.  Once I was suppoenad ( spelling??) by the offender in a rape case. I was there in court with three other therapists who had all seen the survivor.  I decided to say that i had no notes.  What notes?  And they sent me home.

Rape counselors are usually aware of these problems. A good counselor often prefers to work more with the present and doesn't need a lot of notes. The client leads the way and knows where she needs to go.

There used to be a lot of talk about splitting and multiple personalities that was laden with intense drama and viewed this as pathology and implicitly a bad thing.  It made the poor person experiencing these feelings out of control and at the mercy of these alters. Now this has changed and is much more compassionate and views these different aspects of a person as PARTS. If you were really "insane" you would need to be hospitalized NOW.  These would be a convergence of symptoms and physical difficulties that would render you capable of hurting yourself or others.

The really sad thing to me is that people who are good people and have been pushed past their breaking point are often perceived as crazy. They sound that way and they act that way. Especially in child protection cases or child custody battles.So just for self protection it is better to keep the big feelings to share with people who are psychologically minded and educated.  I agree that most people can't handle big feelings or even moderately big feelings at all.

Good to be here and with people who open up and share what is in their hearts.

Sea Storm

[sKePTiKal]

Hi Penny, nice to see you and everyone.

I can certainly connect with your original post. Has that lightened up any since then? I came by to try to say something similar about me, but since you already started on this topic...  allow me to butt in with my 3 cents (inflation)... 

I finally offloaded my 16 "twiggy" journals a month ago, kinda for the reason that no one would understand how OLD some of those feelings were and that what I wrote in the "present tense" was simply emotional processing of those old situations and relationships. My writing was simply a wide open throttle, carte blanche opportunity to finally, in minute excruciating detail - intellectually & emotionally - process that old experience, to the point that it became a dry, dusty fact: on Mar 15, 1968 - this happened to me, and started a whole chain reaction of other "unfortunate incidents".

I didn't feel anything at all about letting them go. I just didn't want "stuff" taking up that shelf anymore. No rituals; just time to load up a trash bag.

The idea of developing an outer personality that protects, guards and defends our "inner marshmallow" that feels deeply and never, ever wants to experience again what she did so long ago is one that describes me, too. She's a fierce, hypervigilant, amazon bitch too!! To the point, that she might be a tad "overprotective", I think. Some new friends were talking about something similar and coined the phrase "emotional vacumn", talking about how their early relationships/childhoods were. That's an apt term, I think -- and it's where this outer "guardian angel" personality got her hard shell. She means well, but she's too good at her self-assigned task - and at that extreme, she's an impediment; gets in the way of my "today" feelings and what I want to be able to do. And she doesn't rate emotions highly on the priority list - unless they're defensive.

It wasn't safe for me - at all - to have my own emotions unless they were given the "good housekeeping seal of approval" by mom. The fact that I've pulled away from her and guard against her fiercely is interpreted by her, as me being "independent" -- go figure!! That would be hilarious, if it wasn't so deadly. She absolutely doesn't get the "why". Emotions aren't always "rational" or "logical"... and sometimes in the direct, dynamic experience of the here & now... I have a hard time remembering that other people aren't like my mom; they won't respond to me - being me - the way she did. But that's JUST what the guardian is looking for and expecting. When all you've got is a hammer: everything looks like a nail, you know?

I have to learn how to intentionally take the guardian aside... and tell her that these people or this situation is "safe" and she can stand down for the time being. Otherwise, "I" never get to go out and play!!  And coincidentally... I just realized that the 15th is coming up next weekend which is probably what brought this up for me - now. I wasn't at all aware of this subliminal thought process going on; I've got all the kids coming next weekend for hubs' 60th birthday party (and he's starting to have mortality worries, don't you know...). I've been having the awfullest time trying to put my "fun" hat on - because of this old, ancient history "anniversary".

Now: what can I come up with in 4 days? (His D will be here Wed...)

[Hopalong]

Big posterboard, white, several sizes but all big.

Multiple gorgeous sets of the best fingerpaints you can find. Order rush on Amazon if necessary.

Nobody leaves your house to go home until they have rolled up their sleeves, occupied a square of floor or counter, and let 'er rip.

Then you get to hang a whole bunch of AWESOME, JOYFUL "art" for as long as it makes you happy. Me, I'd cover my kitchen walls with it. IDEA for a spring PARTY! Woo hoo!

(I just love my own advice....which doesn't mean anybody else should take it.)

I think for me fingerpaints are a revolutionary experience....

xxoo
Hops

[lighter]

Hi Amber:

Are the children going to be there?

We had THE best family reunion Pirate Party one summer, and that was with everyone sweating their mustaches off.

This time of year, you could have an even better party, I bet.

We cut up those little cheap furry mustaches from Oriental Trading, (next day air for you if still time I guess) and got creative.... goatees, big black eyebrows, sideburns, pirate earrings, and bandannas, the earrings, medallions, pirate chest for kiddies, etc.....

THE best photo ops.  Nothing like a group of adults having as much fun as the children, which is how it went for us the first year..... the second year, the magic was gone, but I still think it's a great ONE TIME party.

lighter