Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
I found the shut off valve for my tears. My father would punish me for crying. Even as a child, well especially as a child. I vividly remember being spanked at age 5 or 6 and my father telling me that if I didn't stop crying he would spank me harder. I felt insane. I see now that this was a form of torture. And of course my mother never rescued me, she never comforted me when I was hurt, crying. I learned to only cry alone. Even as a young adult I had some excruciatingly painful experiences crying. One of the most horrific was in a summer school class. Even to the day, I cannot really talk about it because it has so much pain, and shame. It was a set up by the professor and I paid a devastating price for it.
But I am going deep into the remembered pain through the anger and straight to the tears. It is past time dfor it all to be released. My fingers are crossed. (As I write this I feel the connection to shut down.) I so long for the release.
Gaining Strength:
Apparently, it is ubiquitously true of N parents that they are incapable and/or unwilling to apologize. Not that they refuse to use the words, "I'm sorry" but that the meaning behind those words is shamefully betrayed by the tone with which they are issued.
As I delved deeper and deeper into the miasma of repressed pain and the fetid ooze the has seeped from the seal, I discovered a longing, and aching, for real, heartfelt, sorrowful apologies from those who forewent their obligations to that indefensible baby they brought into this world. I began searching for examples of parents owning their stuff and expressions of remorse. I found little.
In the midst of my search I felt a stirring to write my own, to create a powerfully moving story of apology and healing. I lack so in most creative, artistic talents. ( if only I could sing or paint or write or access ANY expressive mode.) lacking that I do have an imagination and that will have to do for now.
But as I pressed forward, stirring the fetid refuse emerging from my wounds I did discover my own need to say I'm sorry to my own child. Not that I haven't offered oral apologies at times but now I will sit down and pen a lasting one. One that he can read at his leisure , absorb on his own time and return to across time, test it's validity against future actions. I owe it to us both.
The anger I feel is so great. The pain underneath is still elusive, popping up for fleeting microseconds and then fleeing again. But I know I am on the right path. I see so much understanding about me own behaviour. It is making so much sense.
I long to release the self-hatred, the denial of resources and deserving, the rejection and isolation. I long to release the pain stored up into overflowing clogging the channel of blessing , beauty, joy and creation. Let my mind, ever rational, step aside, let go of the fear of pain and let it flow outward with the rushing tide. Let the flood waters recede and take the destruction with them. It is time to rebuild. But first the detritus must be cleared away. The destruction must be removed so that the seeds can be planted anew and nurtured into a full harvest.
I love being connected here and hate letting go, closing this page. My need for belonging is like my need for air. I have been drowning for so long.
Gaining Strength:
I want to shift my longing for connection to my longing for healing, for removing the detritus, for clearing away. The broken bones must heal before the work can be done but how much healing is enough. Just enough healing so that the work does no more damage. Take my pen and paper with me. The pain resurrects itself when I start to provide for myself. They denied it to me. That pain is so huge beneath the surface, allow it to emerge and give it a name. It will only come up a bit at a time. Do not fear. Test it, try it, a bit at a time. Do not tackle it all. Just a bit. You can do a bit. Order it. Celebrate it. Record it. You can do this.
Gaining Strength:
I've been cognizant for months now (well maybe years) that I use my mind, (thinking things through, absorbing facts) and activities to avoid the constant pain. Now I have to have the strength, courage and will to throw my churches away. Surely I can rise to this task. My life actually DOES depend on it.
river:
I've been reading bits more, cant read it all. The writing here is amazing, straight from soul streams, rivers of truth springing to the surface.
GS, how do you feel with all this, now? I feel like where your're at feels so familiar to me, there were times for me that went on and on, like rivers of insight which wouldnt stop, I'd be walking along, stop and write, riding my bike, pull up and write, felt like I had to capture it, I knew it was valuable, immeasurably, and yet could be lost if I didnt grab it, secure it into writing.
Theres so much I could respond to, but take this one,
--- Quote --- I want to shift my longing for connection to my longing for healing
--- End quote ---
I thnk thats got to be right. When I feel/ felt that turn around, somehow since then more relationship came to me. I still long and am empty, but things seem better than they were on that regard, I had a f. it moment, when I found a stance finally, I've got to stop hankering after what I think ought to be there, and if I have to do it alone then sobeit. I cant say I know what we are required to do alone, and what has to have relationship, but I hear that shift in your words.
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