Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
river:
What I said earlier about the wording of things is because I think the whole issue of projection / introjection is so important, and has to do with responsibility. I know there is stuff that landed up inside me that essentially belongs to somone else. I have had to still take responsibility for its healing, but for me part of that process invoved re-allocating the stuff to its origins, just knowing that. Its gone on for generations. I read old letters between mother and my grandmother, and you can see how the thing started in her. But it has become my task to heal, I dont resent that, I just thank God I understand. Nobody else in my foo does, but I think I'd be dead if I hadnt discovered the exact understanding that I did, - the family dynamic and why I was inconsolable.
Gaining Strength:
Oh my heavens, can I hug you River? The process of putting "things" into words shifts it and shapes it and gives it a form that helps me move. Sort of trike that sweet story of the donkey in the well which climbs out by stepping on the sh@t piled down on it.
How do I feel? Excited, hopeful! Small shifts which may grow and may not but there will be more and I am going to feed them. Thanks for your words. Getting this stuff down makes it solid so I can continue to climb out, it makes it real and I lived so long thinking what was false was real. As a child I needed my mother and father to affirm what was real and right (that I was good, worthy, deserving) but I got the opposite. Now I must find that and make it real for myself. And I will. I am.
That whole issue about what can do alone and what requires relationship is such a huge one for me, especially having felt so much rejection and isolation. But what you say in your second post just lights up all of my circuits. It helps me see that I am toggling back and forth between the values of both ways of phrasing it. When I own it, then I can do something to change it. It gives me power over it. But you are so right that it is critical to give it to whim it belongs. In this moment, I am dealing with deep anger, self-hatred . It sits like a manhole cover on pain that has been stuffed down for decades, roiling fever that is about to blow. That she hatred has been the structure of my prison and it is clear to me that it does not belong to me but it is from my mother and my father. I see that I had to take it because to be hated by parents would have been a form of psychic death. So now I am giving it back and you show me that my language choice can make a difference here.
Thank you.
Gaining Strength:
Worked in my house today. The stuff came out bits and pieces. This is clearly the way forward but oh so difficult and painful.. Just a bit at a time and with time it will pour out.
Never had help. When I worked on a task they looked for flaws and mistakes. Everything I did was a set up. Doing nothing was never risky as making an effort. [some of the stuff that came up.]
I was a servant and belonged in the kitchen rather than at the table. The tasks I struggle with are servant tasks. The work itself is not ignoble but the way it was esteemed in FOO was. It's starting to rise. I certainly see what the pain and struggle has been. Boy is this hard and it brings such self loathing and gut wrenching bellly aches of rejection, not-worthy.
Had I ever seen how fruitless my longing and tireless attempts to belong were I could have walked away and I would have survived much better.
In Cinderella, she, a legitimate daughter, is made to be the servant. Wasn't it bad enough that she had lost first her mother and then her father. They had no mercy on her. The more hardships she suffered the more despicably she was treated.
Long to be good enough, liked enough, loved enough, valued enough to be worthy of help. Refuse to be illegitimate. To be a slave, to gather up crumbs underneath the table.
river:
--- Quote --- Oh my heavens, can I hug you River?
--- End quote ---
hug recieved. (((( ))))
river
river:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on July 13, 2014, 05:37:06 PM ---Worked in my house today. The stuff came out bits and pieces. This is clearly the way forward but oh so difficult and painful.. Just a bit at a time and with time it will pour out.
Never had help. When I worked on a task they looked for flaws and mistakes. Everything I did was a set up. Doing nothing was never risky as making an effort. [some of the stuff that came up.]
I was a servant and belonged in the kitchen rather than at the table. The tasks I struggle with are servant tasks. The work itself is not ignoble but the way it was esteemed in FOO was. It's starting to rise. I certainly see what the pain and struggle has been. Boy is this hard and it brings such self loathing and gut wrenching bellly aches of rejection, not-worthy.
Had I ever seen how fruitless my longing and tireless attempts to belong were I could have walked away and I would have survived much better.
In Cinderella, she, a legitimate daughter, is made to be the servant. Wasn't it bad enough that she had lost first her mother and then her father. They had no mercy on her. The more hardships she suffered the more despicably she was treated.
Long to be good enough, liked enough, loved enough, valued enough to be worthy of help. Refuse to be illegitimate. To be a slave, to gather up crumbs underneath the table.
--- End quote ---
I think you're working right at the quintessential heart of things, and it connects for me in a place where when I was captured in the heart of it. I so longed to be met there, to have an ally, just at that heart of darkness where I faced it. I was under siege alright, the enemy within acted like an internal saboteur, when I tried to do things, to move my life forward, really small things, to find a document, or to read a legal letter that was difficult, I'd be overwhelmed by paralysing toxic mist, but it was live, there was a life-force within that, and it was an alluring, destructive intent, that was not me but that was in me. I knew it, and I could feel it so clearly, and also I knew that what I needed was a steadfast ally, but all whom I seeked help with didnt get it, couldn’t meet me there, so, like you I never had help, not in the heart of darkness where I needed it. Altho I knew, and could see that to have just one other person present with me and on my side and who understood would be enough
.
--- Quote --- Doing nothing was never risky as making an effort. [some of the stuff that came up.]
--- End quote ---
heres the implicit projection, the implicit is more powerful than the expressed – spoken ~ that translates into 'do nothing' which means 'be nothing' which is a form of iether total passivity, which is a form of annihilation. And there it is, for me that central projection, at the heart of it all, as I came to see, and It got lodged inside me in this psychic place, and trying to get to it and get it out, lead me over a lifetimes journey. And I know it, because - the very message, was finally put to me in words, - my mum, after she had a stroke, when all pretense was washed away, in her 'ramblings' she came out with the heart of things, I was actually cleaning her poo at that time, and she said to me "you never would co-operate, so you'd better go and sit down and do nothing'. ( ~= the N agenda, if you're not compliant with me, you're nothing, because not narcissistic supply.)
I learnt things along the way, which I’m wanting to share here, and its that was that everything you describe here, and what I expereinced has been named, and understood and recognised, but that this more accurate understanding has not been out there as common knowledge. I wondered why after a lifetime of therapy and of recovery, of joining things which promise healing, had no-one picked this up and explained to me.
Take this for example:
--- Quote --- a legitimate daughter
--- End quote ---
this would be called the Real Self, but its feared/ punished/ trapped/ by those acting from a false self. And this......
--- Quote --- The more hardships she suffered the more despicably she was treated.
--- End quote ---
...... so, if all suffering or pain is rejected by people with these disorders, because they associate it with punishment or shame, and they cannot/ will not own any of suffering/ sadness/ sensitivity/ vulnerabilty as their own, they project it onto the designated child, and there you go, the more they suffer, the more they 'fit' the projection, and its self-compounding exponential slide, in fact into annihilation. Thas called 'splitting and projection' ( the scientific language is so dry huh? and the live description so live! [/color] Anyway, this was the internalised dynamic for me, it kept me entranced, I had an unusual hook, I could tell, there was a sort of allure it had for me, like the monster in the cupboard, something inside me was compelled to open the door and get to the monster, exacly as you said, to 'make it concrete' so that I could ( or attempt to) get this thing outside of me in an attempt to address it. Of course I was driven to this over a lifetime, but only in recent years found the understanding. Then I had the undersanding, but no people to help me heal, tho I searched desperately, but once again was thrown into isolation.
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