Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Ok, yesterday, in touch with more dark stuff.
IMAGE: standing at sink, in a ball on the floor, hands over head, FOO standing over me yelling at me, "You idiot!", "You fool!", "You ruin everything! ",(My mother used to say this very thing to me regularly.)
Once about 10, I complained about breakfast one Saturday morning. My mother said, "ok, you make breakfast tomorrow then." Not an unreasonable response but I had never been allowed to cook and had no idea how nor anyway to get to the grocery store nor any help. Not surprisingly what I fixed was really bad. But the "teasing" was relentless and contined for decades.
So if I complained then it was totally up to me - ZERO help, zero training, nothing. And if I failed the abuse was relentless.
If I erred, the abuse was worse. If I tried the taunting was 4 against 1.
Gaining Strength:
I don't know about my parents finances when they were living. They were both secretive. But when they died they both had millions. But when my husband died and my income was lost and what I had went to cover his debts, neither of my parents offered to help me financially. Not in a significant way. My mother would dole out a couple of $100 every now and then for a while. I needed real help and I was suffering from debilitating depression and anxiety. I had one disaster after another including over $30,000 damage done by water and mild. Walls and ceilings had to be ripped out but I had no money to put them back in. For years I went without heat. Other years without AC. Months on end without water. Had my aunt not died and my cousin not agreed I would have been without a car.
But even as a teenager and young adult my parents just turned a blind eye to my needs. When I was in my 20s and divorced struggling, my parents just turned a blind eye. When I was working a good job and my father wanted me to accompany my mother out of the country (so he could start divorce proceedings) he was relentless in his demands that I go with her even though that would mean I would lose my job. At that time, in my 20s, I had no idea that I had an option. I believed that they had my best interests in mind. I couldn't have been more wrong.
On a subconscious level I believed they would have helped if I deserved it.
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on July 14, 2014, 07:33:29 PM ---Ok, yesterday, in touch with more dark stuff.
IMAGE: standing at sink, in a ball on the floor, hands over head, FOO standing over me yelling at me, "You idiot!", "You fool!", "You ruin everything! ",(My mother used to say this very thing to me regularly.)
Once about 10, I complained about breakfast one Saturday morning. My mother said, "ok, you make breakfast tomorrow then." Not an unreasonable response but I had never been allowed to cook and had no idea how nor anyway to get to the grocery store nor any help. Not surprisingly what I fixed was really bad. But the "teasing" was relentless and contined for decades.
So if I complained then it was totally up to me - ZERO help, zero training, nothing. And if I failed the abuse was relentless.
If I erred, the abuse was worse. If I tried the taunting was 4 against 1.
--- End quote ---
Oh GS, this really resonated with me, our home was just like that - no instruction, no guidance, no support, but endless criticism and ridicule for getting it wrong.
I used an idea I got in a book (you might be doing this already), which was to parent myself - so when I did something to talk myself through it the way a good parent would "oh you did that so well, look how nicely you scrambled those eggs, and you've tidied away your plate as well, well done" - that sort of thing. It did/does help, although I must say the grief at realising I'd never heard that before was huge - and I did find it very tiring as you're sort of working in 3D. You're doing what you're doing, plus hearing the old voices, plus saying the new stuff to yourself over and over. But it did help chip away at it all, bit by bit. Hang in there xx
Gaining Strength:
Twoapenny's, that's lovely. I do believe that it is so tiring because it is a battle and that the battle is own by repetition. I love your suggestion. It resonates with other things I have learned..
Gaining Strength:
I continue to plod forth . Yesterday I woke up with such a sense of peace and quiet joy. A serenity I have not known.
Today I was able to begin cutting through the mess. I see now the pain that has been the barrier. The hatred I internalized engendered such physical discomfort that I could not move forward. With developed conscious focus on the healing I can move forward now. It will take time to figure out the best way to proceed and how to navigate the barriers to come.
Lifelong I have given in to my training to dial into the shaming they meted out. I have struggled for years to find a sustainable way to oppose that or move around it or shift from it and until now I have not been able to break through. But this morning I poured water on the clump of FOO ting to draw me back into their hatred and they meltdown away much like Cora.
If I have stepped through the window then I can sustain where I am through conscious effort, not like learning to walk again. What should come without thinking takes thinking through each and every step.
As I progress, I am able to look back on very painful memories and process them rather than be floored by them. Very hopeful.
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