Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Still need to work through early trauma

<< < (29/146) > >>

ann3:
Hi GS,
It's good to see you & it sounds like you're doing wonderfully:

--- Quote ---  Yesterday I woke up with such a sense of peace and quiet joy. A serenity I have not known......
As I progress, I am able to look back on very painful memories and process them rather than be floored by them.  Very hopeful.
--- End quote ---
I think it's healing to recall these very painful memories, face them and acknowledge what was done to you was wrong. When I have done that, the toxic poison, which was caused by others but was lingering within myself, melted away, just like you said.

--- Quote ---At that time, in my 20s, I had no idea that I had an option. I believed that they had my best interests in mind. I couldn't have been more wrong.
--- End quote ---
This must have been a really painful realization but I think it's very healing to state your truth because the truth kills the toxins and sets us free.
I agree with Twoapenny about re-parenting ourselves.  Since we didn't have good parenting as children, we need to re-parent ourselves. I think re-parenting really helps with healing.

Have you read M. Scott Peck's "People of the Lie"?  He discusses a few cases about toxic parents:
"To come to terms with evil in one’s parentage is perhaps the most difficult and painful psychological task a human being can be called on to face. Most fail and so remain its victims. Those who fully succeed in developing the necessary, searing vision are those who are able to name it. For to “come to terms” means to “arrive at the name (evil).” As therapists, it is our duty to do what is in our power to assist evil’s victims to arrive at the true name of their affliction.”

http://books.google.com/books?id=hrdMD_ZoL8UC&pg=PA130&lpg=PA130&dq=searing+vision+are+those+who+are+able+to+name+it.&source=bl&ots=ZndwOI1vMd&sig=3eP-_B9KjJgyIa1NbTrQm46AXBc&hl=en&sa=X&ei=rN7FU7nlDszjsAS_goCYCg&ved=0CCUQ6AEwAQ#v=onepage&q=searing%20vision%20are%20those%20who%20are%20able%20to%20name%20it.&f=false

sKePTiKal:
Hiya - I changed my name when D#1's life imploded and required both D#2 and I to intervene. There's a bit of the story left in the member's section; I got so paranoid, that D#1 might come here and read all my anger & pain, that I deleted a whole thread worth of posts. It brought up the sum total of all my past crap and trying to keep those separate, while navigating through something really delicate and complex stuff for/about her, required that I hollar for help. That was last year; she hasn't really "changed" so much -- as begun the long process of finally growing and working through her own pile o' crap.

The pool taunts me. It promises cool boyuent(SP?) freedom of movement - or simply floating. It's sparkly and associated with fun. I "save" it for company and don't feel comfortable - or "allowed" - to simply enjoy it all by myself. Same old, same old issues for me, too.

You said:

--- Quote --- (When I go through these healing periods I find myself unable to stop talking, talking, talking. I think it is the undieing need to connect, to be heard, to be affirmed. It would come from that deep, deep, wound of primordial rejection.)
--- End quote ---

If I may - I think you could've just stopped with the bolded part. Sometimes, what I pay attention to, is the sum total of my "experience". There's no "switch" in my head that forces me to feel one thing or another -- yes, echoes come up sometimes through unconscious or subconscious association; those get acknowledged with a nod -- and I move on. Because I choose what I will pay attention to - even with my own internal experience. For me, there just aren't any real answers to "why? questions". I'm not special, born with a guarantee that my life will be smooth sailing, everyone will love me (or understand me... LOL), and I suspect (again, for me only) that 50% of what I "feel" as rejection is my own "giving up" and stopping trying.

What Dr. G posted a few pages back, hit me like the 2x4 that I absolutely needed; to shake my head loose from blaming myself, for not allowing myself to connect with other people, for being obsessed (this is me, now, I'm talking about) with the solving the mystery of why/how I never really learned to be "fluent" in attached relationships. Why my instinctive reaction when I get too close to someone is to flee, withdraw, feeling suffocated and threatened, to DISTRUST proffers of friendship and love. Making my whole existence about finding answers to the "why" and "how"... means there's no space/time -- I'm not allowing myself to enjoy the adventure and risk and thrill of connecting to someone in the NOW.

And of course: I'ma gonna kick myself and call myself an idjit for falling into this rut of a lifelong trap. With a loving, knowing smirk on my smart-a face, I might add. That's my progress to date. And ya know it's hilarious - that as much as ole Twiggy was such a rebellious fighter (in her own mind) - to watch her negotiate with the pool... about how many of hours of work, how many days in a row, what has to be "done" FIRST (ad infinitum - there's always something else)... before she'll go change and jump in.

It is the exact same with relationships. It's because there are flaws in how I learned from my primary relationship with my mom & dad - that if I trusted them to take care of me, be nice to me, see me, and appreciate me -- without FAIL, I was gonna be disappointed. It was always a crap shoot -- and mostly I got the negative responses that I wasn't ________ enough; or it wasn't the way my MOM would've done it. (As if that criteria matters...) For me, understanding the trust relationship behind Attachment theory opens a lot of doors.

And it doesn't require me to relive every single time I felt slighted. Instead: it turns my focus to learning a new skill. I'm a fast learner, always have been (even when I miss the obvious stuff dancing right in front of me, trying to get my attention). BUT: I have to pay attention to the cues that come from others more than my own fears and trepidation... I have to ALLOW myself to "go there"... try it, and when "nothing bad" happens -- realize that it takes 5000 repetitions to finally have the body memory and automatic response "learned".

OH - before I forget - I've discovered about myself, that there are some things I do (like spending too much time reading & pontificating online) that involve repetitive motions... that seem to satisfy some requirement to be "doing something about something"... without ever accomplishing a damn thing. I think my journals were like that. I filled 16 books and still have one that's half full. The other 16 were delivered to Mr. Dumpster and they'll be buried in some damp, sandy landfill that someday will be covered by ocean - again. Davy Jones's Locker seemed damned appropriate.



ENOUGH about me!!!!!!!  I've been following your posts on FB. And I've been gobsmacked by how much progress you really have made over the years. You have a lot of friends -- or at least acquaintances who are interested and caring for you, to some degree or another. You and your son have had some really interesting adventures together! (I'm still a hermit.) It's true, those relationships can't EVER replace the unconditional parental attachment one should have had... but in some small way, it adds to the pile of new, learned trust and reciprocal caring to help balance things out.

Think of it as one cubic inch of trust, at a time.  :D

Compared to my self-isolation your life is exciting and fun and full of people you can count on. I wanna try your life on for size!!! Just for a little bit.  ;)

Gaining Strength:
Anne3 and Skeptikal I want to acknowledge your posts.  Anne - it is time for me to retread people of the lie. That segment you linked is very powerful for me. It gives me such a sense of relief.  Skeptikal - your writing calls me to read and re-read, and then digest.   I have to say I'm glad to connect with you both.

I continue to make progress. This morning I find that the self criticism is lifting slowly but surely. And in truth not so terribly slowly that I can't see a difference each and every day.  I am learning so much and seeing so much.  It is a big help and I see how this is leading to a relief from the "mess." It is becoming easier for me to be patient.

The paradigm of energy continues to work for me.  And I am practising retuning my radio which was programmed early on to tune into my parents dumping.  All of those issues I identified so early on still ring true. Peck wrote that name evil is important and so I have found with the individual issues. 

It is so important for me to continue to work on this "feeling" of a higher vibration. For me itis connecting to this vague concept of "love." I have for so long been connected to shame.

This morning as I was doing my own form of meditation, I had an insight into part of what is going on.  The very real paralysis that has crippled me for so long has a component of fear. Fear of the very paralysis and that makes it difficult for me to get going. But once I get going it continues to be so, so painful. And it took me YEARS for the thoughts to emerge.  For decades it was a feeling that had no thoughts available to me.  This whole darkness was so very deep.  Now that the thoughts are beginning to emerge, I can work with them using Schwartz' 4 Steps and other means.  But most important to me today is building on this lifting myself out of shame and self hatred. I have several tools to help with that and one is the image of loving people. It has taken me a very long time to be able to do this.  It has taken years to be able to connect to an image of a loving spirit because early on love and condemnation were fused for me. It is very difficult for me to conger up the image of love and difficult to hold on to it but that will improve as I do it more and more.  Right now. Can do it when I am alone and nothing needs me attention.  Ultimately I will be able to do it when I am facing the stuff that brings up self loathing.  That is when the hold will be broken.

I'm definitely getting there.

Gaining Strength:
I know I am getting better. But i have to look for signs and keep reminding myself. I've had a lifetime of looking for signs that I am failing and it is a mindset that I can do something about. But I am less certain if I am on the right path or nt. And that makes it very tricky for me as I post here. While I know better than share my strategies with anyone other Han here, even here I feel very vulnerable. It feels so risky.

I was reading on the cyquest web page recently and ran across a statement that spoke,of shifting effectiveness, that in trying to evoke repressed emotions what works on day may not work on another.  That really rings true to me as I try to connect to a sense of well being.  I can do it first thing in the morning but have a very hard time during the day, especially if I am facing one of my difficult tasks.  

What helped Monday, isn't helping today. But I did find that reaching into my mind's eye and comforting that broken child who is feeling discouraged at not being able to do what she needs to do is helpful.  It is keeping me out of the self condemnation and hat is certainly a step up.  One step at a time.

Unable to move forward I am nonetheless finding that I have made one very nice advancement. The shame and fear are cracking and breaking up with large chunks falling off. Underneath is the broken, wounded child who is still avoiding the miserable pain of condemnation. But I can pick her up and  take care of her. And just wait to see what comes of this.  Taking the pressure of, the pushing and expectation releases some of the stress and with it a whole level of self-hatred, "not enough", "not good enough."

Now what I hear is, "It's okay. No wonder you feel that way. Rest, get stronger. You'll be better soon nough. Give it time."

I see the value of believing I am n the healing path. By believing, I look for signs. When I have flashes of shame, I name it, acknowledge where it came from and see some of the painful things I did out of it, chalk it up to the extreme pain of my childhood and think of myself as a trauma patient who is healing but not yet ready to hit the gym. "Be patient, but don't take my eye off of the prize." It is a gentle balance.

I had to get through some level of the shame before I could even do this reparenting.  In the past when I tried to tell myself it was alright and to comfort myself it actually generated a sense of shame. But I realize that I have some sense of this self comforting to be bogus and maybe it is because in the past it actually triggered shame.   Only time will tell if it is effective.

Hopalong:
I love hearing that you are turning your own love within and in kindness, comforting your hurt inner child.

That it where it happens.

So very happy to hear about this; it makes your healing real.
And so many other self-accepting comments that are creeping into your narrative.

love
Hops

Navigation

[0] Message Index

[#] Next page

[*] Previous page