Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Oh hops, thanks for the encouragement. It really helps.
Gaining Strength:
This journey is such an odd one. I have worked hard for so long. Some of it seemingly to no avail. Some aspects seem to heal with a sudden burst while others seem to take a very gradual slide. But in the midst of it all it feels so long and slow and at times hopeless.
I was unaware until recent years that I had harboured deep resentment lifelong. After I became aware of it I was still powerless to disentangle myself from it. Then suddenly, when I work on shame, the full load of resentment evaporates and left In It's place is sorrow, a great spence of sorrow for all that was lost in those years of resentment.
The next layer emerging is rejection and boy is this one difficult and painful. I wake up with such a heavy heart each day. Worse still is the full weight of the years of rejection is pounding down on me. It is such a heavy weight. And I feel a slight sweep of depression come over me. Steady vigilance, mindful of the origins of this rejection, and keeping my eye on the greater spiritual truth of acceptance.
Each level is painful and difficult in its own way but there is some perceptible lightness to each level as well.
I remember when I started this journey years ago, I was afraid that the pain would be too great for ,me to bear. I no longer have that fear. I do resist the full impact of the repressed feelings but even that I'm sure I can take now.
Gaining Strength:
I find myself wailing along, doing something and repeating the phrase, "I hate you, I hate you." Over and over. I remember this being a regular phrase in my youth. I wonder who the "you" is. I don't think it I'm hating myself. And I am fairly certain it isn't me hating my parents. It is either a reflection of the hatred they felt towards me or my hatred of the rejection. It is hard to know. But it is brought forward to be processed.
sKePTiKal:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on July 17, 2014, 02:00:03 PM ---I find myself wailing along, doing something and repeating the phrase, "I hate you, I hate you." Over and over. I remember this being a regular phrase in my youth. I wonder who the "you" is. I don't think it I'm hating myself. And I am fairly certain it isn't me hating my parents. It is either a reflection of the hatred they felt towards me or my hatred of the rejection. It is hard to know. But it is brought forward to be processed.
--- End quote ---
Another possibility: maybe you hated what you (then) believed you had to pretzel-twist yourself into -- to receive the help/acknowledgement/connection you craved from your parents.
You know, the concept of "false self" -- and I could see where one might even bundle together all the ways one tried to survive being isolated within the physical company of others; the coping mechanisms... and detest that one was reduced to those depths... to survive.
Not saying you DID this, either. Just brainstorming an idea.
Maybe it was just my stumbling blocks: but it seemed that the more I focused inward, the more determined I was to "get answers", and the greater my desire to "break on through to the other side"... the slipperier it got; the more things got away from me.
When I'd focus outward, on other things and people... and "do" things... is when the puzzle pieces started to fall into place and be intelligible.
Hopalong:
What misery that must be.
I am so sorry, GS.
I can't imagine that mantra dominating my consciousness. If it's something like gestalt, releasing rather than feeding your anger, then it must be good.
But I feel very sad at what you are feeling.
Oh little child, inside. I hope you reach "I love you" soon.
love,
Hops
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