Still need to work through early trauma

[Gaining Strength]

You find great pieces of film and literature Ann.  I'll look into it.  I. Dying to see The Heiress as well.

I have wondered if it was my mother's death or the horrific, relentless sabotages and  slander done by my brothers at the end of her life and afterward  that set things in motion for me.  I know that I was slightly aware during her life for an indescribable longing for her to come clean at the end of her life, but she didn't.

[ann3]

Thanks for saying that, GS.  I only mention books & movies if I feel they're helpful. 

I have wondered if it was my mother's death or the horrific, relentless sabotages and  slander done by my brothers at the end of her life and afterward  that set things in motion for me.

Could be; from what I've read, the death of the 2nd N parent is a catalyst & it put me on the road to freedom.

I was slightly aware during her life for an indescribable longing for her to come clean at the end of her life, but she didn't.

Me too.  It's a kick in the gut.  No closure, no Hallmark made-for-TV-movie ending.  I was left with a tangled web of sh*t, which I spent years in & out of therapy, trying to detangle, just to understand what happened & how to move on.  Oh well, that's how it goes.  But, you are now detangling & journeying towards clarity & freedom.  YAY! 

[Gaining Strength]

When my father died I was half expecting the deathbed sorrowful accounting. No such thing. That left me less expectant concerning my mother but nonetheless I hoped for something. Cest la vie.

Now I'm free and really free because am totally unencumbered by my brothers.  Should I never see or hear about them again it will be perfectly fine.  That has been a real freedom, cutting that hope of reconciling, being family, all that pretence from them and their wives - "we love you." On the rare occasion I saw them at my mother's. 

Onward and upward.

[Gaining Strength]

I figured something out this evening that is helpful. 

My house is my greatest shaming thing in this world.  No wonder sitting in this place is debilitating.  I'm going to try going out and coming back to work on projects.  If I could find a place to stay even better though not likely.  But having figured this out is a big help.

[Gaining Strength]

A friend came and helped me clean today.  I am I. So deep. So much is broken and in need of repair.  She talked me into calling the AC repair person.  It is so hard to have workmen come in as the place is I such disrepair.  But I did it.  I am 1 hour in on a 2 hour window.  The longer it takes the colder my feet get but I am going to dig deep and hang in there.


I have to say it is hard to dig out.

[Gaining Strength]

The darn AC guy came while I was home but he knocked on my door and didn't ring the bell. I never heard him.

So we try again tomorrow. 

But I got some things done and better yet I got myself to do something's that I had to overcome my resistance to do.  That is a big plus for me.  Plus I am finding that I am lifting myself up bit by bit. Things that would have put me under are very minor set backs quickly overcome.  I'm rebounding for the first time in memory and finding it easier and easier to stay out of the dark.  This is progress.  But tthe real hope is that facing the mess is not setting me back. Where I can't tackle something, I can at least thing about it.  I can look at a problem and begin to see myself overcoming it.  This is such a wonderful relief and it is very encouraging.

Bit by bit.

[Gaining Strength]

Hit some depression today. But I'm going to bounce back and get to work.  Must clean up and out.  I can get a plan first.  That will help.

[Gaining Strength]

I'm getting so much.  Lots of memories and great, great sadness.  I would not have been able to tolerate it before this work this summer.  Today, I am depressed, angry, motivated and very sad.  Praying that when I get to work it will be fruitful.  I have to bear down now and pull through.  I have a long way to go  in every way.

[Gaining Strength]

I'm working. The more I work, the more comes up.  

I'm reading The Sociopath Nextdoor.  It's not very profound but it does help me see that my father in particular was intentional in his undermining.  Had I a clue, I could have walked away the moment I left his house but I believed in him and I have paid a supreme price.  I cannot help but believe that my life to date has steeled me for something significant.

My perpetually 3 year old mother had no empathy.  I am not sure if she had a conscience or not.  But most everything she did for me was a manipulation to get something from me.  Nothing came out of a desire to help.  It caused me indescribable pain.

I am beginning to replace these buried shaming and destructive messages with hope and encouragement.  Just beginning.

Many memories of pain are surfacing.  For many years now, perhaps all of my child's life since my husband's death, I have been barely keeping my head above water.  I could not look beneath the surface.  I had no ability to survive any more pain.  I am getting stronger but with each level more and more pain surfaces.  It is not too much but it is very much indeed.  I cannot yet see what the future might be.  I am still and will be for sometime, digging my way.  In truth, I have just begun digging out this week.  It is scary.  I have been longing to dig out for over a decade.  

The shame I have lived under has actually taken a toll in more ways than one.  It left me exhausted, taxing my depleted adrenals.  As I process the shame and it's weight begins to lift I have ever so incrementally more energy.

Shame begets shame.  In the depths of shame everything around me becomes infected.  Slowly lifting.

[Gaining Strength]

I'm going through another period. The pain is very great though not as excruciating as earlier this summer.  I hope it brings more freedom.

[Gaining Strength]

I was just thinking, " boy, my mother was never proud of anything I did."  Then I remembered getting a sick feeling in my gut when she would say, "I'm so proud of you."  And the light bulb went off -it was utterly hollow, said out of something other.

[Gaining Strength]

Backslid a bit today.  Didn't do my reading and preparing my mind.  Must keep doing this.

[Gaining Strength]

Waiting on AC repairman AGAIN.  He's showing up after the 2 hour period given me. That after not showing up yesterday.  It taxes me.  I fear no one will repair my AC because the house is such a wreck. 

I called for a Direct TV guy to come.  He shows up not at the scheduled time, stayed on the phone with a different customer and then said that two trees mean I cannot receive service.  It was very frustrating.  I find I have slipped into the old me, frustrated, irritated, expecting the worst.  I'm going to switch my attitude and thinking around before this guy gets here. 

[Gaining Strength]

I got myself together.  The man was so nice.  He got my downstairs unit working and will return tomorrow for the upstairs. 

That was a very good experience.  I have actually been cleaning some really gross stuff today.  Tomorrow I tackle the upstairs.  This whole shame thing is so helpful.  Again I think I am breaking through.  There were a few panic moments today but I got back into my thought exercises and pulled things together.  I'm going to keep heading down this path until it needs adjustment.  I get to see my therapist tomorrow. I am very excited.

Tonight I want to set up a plan so I came really see that I am making progress.  That affirmation is very helpful.  This is tough to do all by myself but I feel so much less alone because of this place.

Thanks again Dr. Grossman.

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

People like you, G.S., have made this a very special place!

Richard