Still need to work through early trauma

[ann3]

Hi ann3,
"The Heiress" is one of my favorites:  http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=10146.msg165054#msg165054
Richard

Hi Dr. G!
How cool to read that you think this film is a "A wonderful piece on voicelessness"!  I saw this film years ago, before I knew about voicelessness.  I saw it again about 1 year ago & it hit me that this story is all about voicelessness and an N parent scapegoating a child.  Then, there's the other part of the story about how the scapegoated child of the N parent can wind up with an N spouse.  The movie is a classic study of generational damage caused by Ns. 

[BonesMS]

Point well taken, GS and Bones. I keep veering into advice-giving when I know better!

FWIW, I think in unaware moments I feel frantic to fix
somebody (even unasked) because I can't fix my child.

Not a good way to express that though--I need to go volunteer.
Meanwhile, back to just listening.

Love and support,
Hops

Thank you.

[Gaining Strength]

Wow. I see why this is moving slowly.  There is a life time of hurt and shut down to be processed.  This morning I had a series of dreams about being included, loved, rejected and apologized to.  Then it was a dream/ vision of my mother saying she was sorry - not like she did in real life, in her dismissive, infantile way but with sincerity and awareness ness of the deliberateness with which she had sabotaged and shortchanged me ad infinitum. 

When she did, I felt another log break loose from the jam and enter the sluice. That's when I saw that this would be a slow process with so much more to come bit by bit.  When that happened I felt a clear sense of relief but also a deep emptiness.  I saw myself swaddled tightly in a thin blanket. Kept warm and tight, comforted. I felt a sense of forgiveness release me - not the kind of forgiveness which absolved her but a sense of being uncoupled from her.

Clearly there is so much more to come.  I see that this is a process that has begun and I no longer fear that it will not be enough or that it will start and not finish.  It will simply be slow and deliberate.  Now I have so much to get done today.

I am working with a banker to get funding for a critical program for my child.  This is money that was left to him for this purpose by his grandfather.  I began this process almost a year ago and the money is due now and they are stalling.  This process is not healthy.  Ihis doctor wrote a letter commending this program for him and yet these people who do not know us have the power to decide yea or nay.  Once again I am kept in the position of a child, unable to freely spend money for my child's best interest.  But I have decided to use a technique for my own benefit that  will help me have the right attitude.  It will be accomplished.

[Gaining Strength]

Hops, I can't imagine how painful it must be to not be able to communicate with her.  That is a longing to the depths of most mothers. And of all mothers who mean well. My heart is with you.

[ann3]

Then it was a dream/ vision of my mother saying she was sorry - not like she did in real life, in her dismissive, infantile way but with sincerity and awareness ness of the deliberateness with which she had sabotaged and shortchanged me ad infinitum. 
 I felt a sense of forgiveness release me - not the kind of forgiveness which absolved her but a sense of being uncoupled from her.

I think this is an important dream. Perhaps this is the sincere apology which you always wanted from her, but never got?  Also, your sense of feeling "uncoupled" (dis-enmeshed?) is really good. Perhaps now that both parents have passed, you feel more able, free & ready to heal: you can finally be you.

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks Ann. No question I carry this all internalized. But I a milling to let go.

An image (not very original) came to me yesterday. It is complete darkness with a pen prick of light.  I am learning to focus on that light. I was specifically trained by my father to focus on the large presence of darkness.  Perhaps I part because of his OCD, he obsessed on what could and would go wrong and why I would fail - not to mention that he would deny me the necessary resources while requiring me to do something.  It is all so crazy.

But I am learning to focus on that tiny bit of light. And bit by bit the light will appear larger and the darkness will retreat.

I am ever thankful for the dialogue.

[Hopalong]

Thank you, (((((((GS))))))))).

That was just an extraordinary, moving dream about your mother.

I love the interpretation theory that we ourselves are every single element
in our dreams. The way I was taught it was to ask myself:
What part of me is the house?
What part of me is the mother?
Etc.

Dream theories are a dime a dozen. But I was very moved to read
such imagery of grace and release. Felt thrilled for you that this happened
in your psyche.

So MUCH is happening there.

Hope the task of the day came unclogged. I worked on a few of mine
today and the smallest thing (getting documents to bank, making a car
appt., following up on another paperworky thing I usually have phobia
about)...all went well.

I'll fill you in on my old thread about my D.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hops I appreciate the reminder about dream interpretation. I used to think about dreams that way and found it very fascinating.  So glad you were able to get those paper things done.  I was able to get  mine done as well and though I haven't heard from the trust officer yet I have figured out a back door way in.  I am feeling more clever than afraid.  It is such a major triumph.  Though I had a hard time getting out of the starting block today I was not once beset by shame/anxiety.  It was a new day for me. Mid I can string together a number of days like today I will think myself functional. I'm not celebrating that yet but celebrating my small victories very much.

[Hopalong]

Absolutely.
No such thing as a small victory!

I deeply understand the joy and wobbly hope and nearly...wonder...that folks with organizational or exec function issues feel about accomplishing life-care tasks.

YAY!

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Feeling down today. I am beginning to see a rhythm in this process.  It is up and down.  I am presented with difficulty and I process it and things feel victorious, I am  through a level of yuck.  And then the process starts anew.  That's all OK.  If I use take it for what it is.  I would love a period of waking up, feeling good and having energy to persevere.  That will come but for now I have work to do and I am thankful that I know what to do and can do it.

I have lived decades of rejection and depression.  The healing won't be instantaneous but it will come.  I'm going to rest a bit today before I get to work.

[Gaining Strength]

Saw something from a new perspective :

Will shift from hoping to be at the end of this processing to being prepared for the next battle.  It's a trek. The journey us as important as the end. 

That helps.

[Gaining Strength]

The difference between repression and processing is subtle.  I am still working it out.  At times I hear it in my head but most clearly I feel it in my body.  

I am driving down the road and I feel that blanket of dread descend.  "Oh no!"  God I hate it.  I'm slipping back into the darkness just as I had such a day of hope.  I hear myself begin to manically repeat a positive thought mantra, and then this chorus overlays, "it's not going to work, it's not going to work, it's not going to work." The tension in my neck spreads to my stomach. My grip on the steering wheel increases as the ache in my belly worsens.  " oh my God, I've lost that hope."

Then I remember. I release the tension in my shoulders and breathe deeply into the depths of my being, drawing the breath down into my sacrum. " Not good enough. Not deep enough. I can't do it right!" STOP. stop. "Breathe."  "This is an old tape. It is rooted deeply.  It will be eliminated."

I breathe slowly. Release my tight shoulders.  My grip relaxes and then the knots in my stomach untie.  A profound  sadness comes over me and memories of lost friendships and lost dreams waft along like clouds drifting by., each breath pushing, pulling another memory.

"there is healing," I remind myself.  "It is on the other side of grieving. No more repressing. Let it flow outward and replace that sorrow with what you imagine love feels like."  It is an odd thing that love and self-hatred cannot coexist.  For too long the only reaction I had against the indescribable pain of rejection was figuratively form into a rolypoly like ball with my hands over my head, screaming , "no!"  

My life long protection from rejection led to more and more of it until I fell into a perpetual state of it.  "why, why, why," I wonder to no avail.  I am most afraid that it is too late to reverse the damage.  But that is a false question, one that time not need be wasted contemplating .  All that matters is moving forward with the battle.  Only good can come of it. Only bad can come from refusing to participate.there is no more time for "it's too little, too late."  

Yesterday I had a glimpse of what it is like to be received with joy and welcoming.  I witnessed it through my child as he returned to camp for his second week this summer.  Everywhere he went, the Chapel for check in, the Health Hut to deliver mess, the dining hall to take his GF foods, the counsel ours, nurses and even the middle aged country women gave great shouts and traded barbs.  It was a joyous moment.

This is exercise.  It is not running and calisthenics until I arrive and rest.  It is exercise for the release of the experience as well as the outcome.  I see now that I will embrace this practice rather than endure it waiting to arrive at the destination of  HEALED.  

[Hopalong]

I completely believe that you are going to continue healing, GS.
I feel not one shred of doubt about it (knowing there will be successes AND slips along the way).

The reason is that in all our years here, I have never heard you talking to yourself, directly challenging
and changing your self-talk, the way you are now.

It is just fantastic. Difficult, struggle, repeat, re-fight...I know.
BUT YOU ARE ACTUALLY DOING IT. And you are repeating it.

I feel so confident in saying that I believe you ARE going to get to the point where your
intentional determined journey to actually experience self-love, will heal you to the point
that even others' reactions--in whatever form they take at whatever time--will not cause you
to collapse inside.

I really can visualize you being there. I understand that you can't feel it in a prolonged way right
now (and your new-normal may eventually include periodically weathering the old feelings/reactions,
just like...weather). But what you are doing and describing now really does sound/feel NEW, to
this listener.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

I wrote a long piece here last night and yet it isn't here. It must have been something fglitching with my save button.  I'm so disappointed. It was an outpouring of glimpses and glimmers of feelings pouring out and memories bubbling to the surface that are begging to be processed. 

There is a pattern emerging: repressed stuff bubbling up and being,processed and brief periods of freedom that feel so good and hope filled.ive come to realize that rather than hope or expect these period to be permanent, I am going to see it as a work in progress and just enjoy them knowing that more processing will follow.  There is so much pain and shame down I there.  I know that.  My house and my life are manifestations of that. But the healing has begun and while I do not have control very the process, the speed or the periods of recovery I do have power over my faith I. This process and I choose the believe in it.

Though there is so much shame and so man memories tainted by shame I can say that  the anxiety has fallen away and that is major.  I have t take comfort in that - although the shame does feel almost as debilitating as the anxiety rationally I know it is a significant layer.  As this process began I realized that the shame was producing that lifelong anxiety.  And boy has that taken its own toll. 

Today I wake up with an inkling of another facet.  I don't like this one for many reasons.  It is an internal battle against obligation (aka responsibility).  I get 100% where it is coming from. It is important but I suspect that it is not very deep and will not be difficult to process.  It is a teen thing.  But it too comes from my parents behaviour of setting me up and abandoning me, giving me obligations without resources or guidance and abandoning me with it and then excoriating me afterward or talking derisively about me behind my back.

In my mothers later years she would talk derisively about me behind my back to my brothers. One of her caregivers told me 7 or 8 years ago.  It was hurtful but no surprise but I was beyond great flu that is woman was generous enough to let me know.  I was the only one of her children that stood by her In her later years.  My son and I went by several times a week, providing Sunday dinner for years.  My brothers talked by phone but didn't visit even every month even though one lived down the street and the other only a couple of miles away. My mother set up the nightmare that my child and I experienced after her death. 

When I look at the traumas I have endured over the past 13 years it is no wonder that I am where I am I terms od the decay around me.  It is no wonder.  But the time has come for me to give myself a break and move on towards healing.

I wonder why his is so difficult and I guess it is because I have to "go through" to get to the other side.  I do know that with each level it does get indescenibly easier but not easy. It is still hard to stand up and face the bubbling up of old pain but  cliche or not, I am willing to keep m eye on that pin prick of light rather than focus on all of the darkness around me.

That in itself is such a shift.  Lifelong, I have dwelt in he injustices felt me, writhing I anguish over the pain and unfairness.  And unfair it has been but agonizing did not help, it kept me stuck.  I was waiting to be rescued.  I could even see this for several years.  My father, in particular, did all in his power to keep me helpless and because I saw,him as so accomplished until I was 30, his psychological crippling had great power over me.  I know how I gave it to him but it took me so very long to figure out how to get it backs.

And even though the techniques that I picked up along the way are not new to me, for some reason they were not successful against the monster in the past.  Either I gave up too soon, the anxiety and shame were too great or I did not have enough faith, the fear and doubt in myself were too great.  I am in a better place now plus, being summer I have few,obligations and this allows me to stay with the struggle without distraction. 

I am chipping away, seeing progress before my eyes but I am ready for things to tilt, ready for the critical mass, ready to crest the mountain so that my effort is in getting the work done rather than overcoming more blocks.  That overcoming is the most,difficult because of the associated pain, the re-experiencing of self-hatred and self-recrimination and rejection.

I remember now that my vanished post was about rejection.  That is the subject that I must address.  It holds the greatest pain.

I'm going to start it here but it demands significant focus. Rejection and anticipation of rejection is the battle before me.  It is laden with shame and physical and emotional pain. I know I must go through to get to the other side and II know , at this point that only the amount I can tolerate will come up. ( that fear of intolerable pain has been so great at times, in  great part because I was living every moment at my utter fill of psychic pain.)

It is a marvel for me to see how my parents rejection of me led me to act in a way to cause more rejection.  At no time in my life was I strong enough to take that responsibility and even now it aches to the depths.  But I see it and it is quite easy to forgive myself but I understand how my reactions were actually out of my control.  And I can take that responsibility today because I can see clearly how it can and will be different going forward.  Until this past week going into anything new brought out in me great agony and unconscious expectation of rejection and scepticism. Walking into a store I expected to be mistreated, treated not as well as others, overlooked, cheated, on and on. My stomach would tie in knots and when my spectating were met I would be so angry.  All of this except the anger was totally out of reach of my understanding.  Now that it is clear, I can choice my reaction.  It is a freedom and a comfort that knows no description.

Now when I walk into situations with potential interactions of more significance than a store clerk, I can see the same internal stuff at work and handle it differently.  I have lived my life expecting rejection.  It has not been good. The pain of that expectation has been ungodly.  And the actualization of the rejection even worse.  But I am extricating myself from all of that.  If no more progress were made that would be an important step. 

Last night in my post I wrote about the joy my child experienced and was met with when he returned to camp for his second session this summer.  When we arrived at check in he was excited to see the young adults and they to see him. They exchanged cheerful banter, teasing and joking.  The same reception was met him at the Health Hut and again from the middle aged country women at the dining hall.  It was so nice to see and equally important was my own reaction.  I did not feel that normal expectation and feeling of rejection and mistreatment that I have always projected on situations and people.  And furthermore, I remembered a time when I entered into a new experience much the way I saw my child enter yesterday. 

Things are evolving.  My job it to keep this door open and progressing on the path, calling the dark eases by their name and exposing them to light and feelings of love.  I can do this.

[ann3]

ive come to realize that rather than hope or expect these period to be permanent, I am going to see it as a work in progress and just enjoy them knowing that more processing will follow. 

2 steps forward & 1 step back, but the direction and momentum is forward.

I think I went thru something similar to what you're going thru now: After my 2nd Nparent died, I went thru a "life review", tracing back all the Nism in my FOO & connecting it to who I was & how I became that way.  Many emotional ups & downs, painful memories and realizations of truth, on that roller coaster ride to my personal freedom. The ride lasted a few years (& never completely ends) but I made it to the other side & you will too.

I read a helpful book called "Death Benefits How Losing a Parent Can Change an Adult's Life for the Better by Jeanne Safer".  There's a chapter called "The Punitive Parent Dies".  Perhaps check it out?