Still need to work through early trauma

[Gaining Strength]

Hard to get a grip on this. It has been poking its head up and ducking bak in, almost ready to surface.

Replacing the shame with love and encouragement and right action is painful. The first step dealing with shame was easier than I expected but there is a rubber and effect that is keeping me stuck.  What keeps snapping it all back?  There were punitive steps taken if I did something well or someone came to my support. I am sure though this is still somewhat vague.

The control is certain.  Here is a simple story : my brothers and I were in our twenties. Two of us were married. It was Christmas time and we went skiing  out west as a family.  My father would not allow us to own skis even though we had skiied for over 15 years (twice a year at this time) . But here we were, adults, and he took us to the rental shop, lined us up like children and instructed the guy in the shop as to what length skis we would have. The guy working there was younger than we. It must have looked bizarre. It felt very demeaning at the time. What could my brothers have experienced then? I have no idea.  My father was determined to control everything and what he did not control he would have no interest in discussing or helping.

I was not allowed to ask for anything that I wanted. "If you ask, you will not receive it."  I needed help as a young adult with some financial knowledge.  He refused to discuss it with me.  Once I was out of his house I was on my own. Though he had never taught me anything about being on my own. It was total domination or complete avoidance. All or nothing.

How does this relate to the other? I'm not sure. But I know when I struggled or when I flourished ey did not care. They would not be bothered. Once in my 20s I worked on Capital Hill for the Science and Technology Comm. I had the opportunity to go to a space shuttle landing.  I sent everyone in. My family special mailings from the site.  They had no interest and yet when I was home they would brag about what their friends children were doing. They had no interest in my achievements nor my needs.  It is still incomprehensible. And furthermore at no time I either of my parents' lives would they discuss any decision or action they took as parents, no explanation, no justification and certainly no apologies - ever.

I feel such pain from it all but hat is really neither here no there.  I can mourn that's in. I want to get to that place where I am trapped by his shaming for correcting mistakes.  That is where I am stuck and shaming for normal life like a cat poop problem .

My rational self grasps that neither of my parents were able to love, on any level.  I get all of that. And I am ready to move on. Working on it.

[Hopalong]

Sheesh.
What empty chests your parents had.

I'm really sorry, GS...

What might you have done with just a little encouragement!

It's admirable that you're fighting this good fight for yourself now,
so that the rest of your life won't be like the first half.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hard to get a grip on this. It has been poking its head up and ducking bak in, almost ready to surface.

Replacing the shame with love and encouragement and right action is painful. The first step dealing with shame was easier than I expected but there is a rubber and effect that is keeping me stuck.  What keeps snapping it all back?  There were punitive steps taken if I did something well or someone came to my support. I am sure though this is still somewhat vague.

The control is certain.  Here is a simple story : my brothers and I were in our twenties. Two of us were married. It was Christmas time and we went skiing  out west as a family.  My father would not allow us to own skis even though we had skiied for over 15 years (twice a year at this time) . But here we were, adults, and he took us to the rental shop, lined us up like children and instructed the guy in the shop as to what length skis we would have. The guy working there was younger than we. It must have looked bizarre. It felt very demeaning at the time. What could my brothers have experienced then? I have no idea.  My father was determined to control everything and what he did not control he would have no interest in discussing or helping.

I was not allowed to ask for anything that I wanted. "If you ask, you will not receive it."  I needed help as a young adult with some financial knowledge.  He refused to discuss it with me.  Once I was out of his house I was on my own. Though he had never taught me anything about being on my own. It was total domination or complete avoidance. All or nothing.

How does this relate to the other? I'm not sure. But I know when I struggled or when I flourished ey did not care. They would not be bothered. Once in my 20s I worked on Capital Hill for the Science and Technology Comm. I had the opportunity to go to a space shuttle landing.  I sent everyone in. My family special mailings from the site.  They had no interest and yet when I was home they would brag about what their friends children were doing. They had no interest in my achievements nor my needs.  It is still incomprehensible. And furthermore at no time I either of my parents' lives would they discuss any decision or action they took as parents, no explanation, no justification and certainly no apologies - ever.

I feel such pain from it all but hat is really neither here no there.  I can mourn that's in. I want to get to that place where I am trapped by his shaming for correcting mistakes.  That is where I am stuck and shaming for normal life like a cat poop problem .

My rational self grasps that neither of my parents were able to love, on any level.  I get all of that. And I am ready to move on. Working on it.

I have found for years now that, even though my brain understands the intellectual side of things and I can see what was wrong and how to put it right, something at a much deeper level keeps doing what it always did.  I often said to my therapist that I knew what to do in my head but I didn't feel it in my heart.  I suspect it's a bit like those stories about amputees who can still feel their missing limbs; it's just so much a part of you.

I have no magic wand or miracle answer, I'm afraid.  All I can say is that I've kept at it, made more mistakes, had my heart broken again, taken one step forward and three back - but slowly, slowly, slowly things are lifting and moving and shifting in the right direction.  I have got better at trusting in the process and accepting there are times when it just bloody hurts and there's nothing to do but sit with it, but those times are very tough and I still find them very difficult.  Keep at it though, G, I do think it's all worth it xx

[Gaining Strength]

Woke up this morning with a renews strength ready for battle.  It is a battle to shine a light on the dark places where the internalized hatred which really comes from them, has taken root.  Actually I am battling my fear of that hated.  But I am quite sure on this morning that I can overcome it.  I am feeling strength today.

[Gaining Strength]

Hops, thanks for the continued support and encouragement.  Each day has a strength now.  Some feel as though I am starting over but I don't believe that is true.

Twoapenny's, I love the way you put it.  I am sure we a re moving forward and leaving the old behind. I feel very strong this morning but do not want to ,move forward lest I encounter a trigger, even a tiny one but I'm going to shift that from a fear of a trigger into a dare for a trigger and hold onto confidence that I can overcome at least once today.

[Gaining Strength]

Today my first hurdle is the fear f the kick in the stomach feeling.  I'm sure I can overcome that fear.

I JUST figured out that I don't get that feeling when I am with other people, friendly people that is. But I get it when I am all alone. It I sit doing nothing I don't get it. If I start to handle a task I do. And it is horrific.

[Hopalong]

I really understand that, GS--
I actually had a "barter" with a SW friend of mine who felt disabled by personal paperwork
(and all it triggers). So we swapped time.

She'd just come over with a book and hang out in my LR while I wrestled through things
in the study. It made a huge difference. I think having a mate or life partner would be a
similar thing...just another human, breathing away, reminds one to not float off into an
old universe of scary fear (that we actually experienced as children).

Since she can't do that all the time, and since my own goal is to do better at progressing
with the scary paperwork tasks of adulthood on my own, I've worked at it with:

--My T (he tells me, weekly, in simple comments--how to reduce the AWFULNESS of
looking at pieces of paper, or making simple lists. He reminds me to just go sit in there
whether I do anything forward-moving or not. He's helping me learn to take small steps
to desensitize myself from all the frightened associations I've built up with doing these
ordinary adult-life tasks). He's also pointed out to me that one actor in this drama is
not just my hurt inner child, but my "defiant child." And that's true. If there's nobody
MAKING me--after all, I'm alone in my house--I can refuse to engage my adult self,
retreat online, or into TV or books. And lord, I do.

--Newly, with hypnosis. I'm listening to a Procrastination session I found free online.
It's helping. Doesn't work well as I go to sleep so I'm going to move it to a few
mornings a week when I'm off. Here's the link if you'd like to give it a try.
From my past experience, I can say that this guy is reliable, doing it right, and
following correct practices for the script and the suggestions.

http://www.thrivehypnotherapy.com/free-hypnosis-to-stop-procrastination

Hope some of that is useful,
Hops

[Ales2]

Thank you Hops for that helpful link - I will be listening to it in a few more minutes. I have to repeat mantras in my head just to stay clear of the negativity that I get from the NMom. So want to be done with her!

[Gaining Strength]

Hops, I wondered today if having another person around helps because my parents would never do the humiliating belittling in front of witnesses.  I wish I knew.

[Gaining Strength]

Bit by bit I am growing stronger.  I am stronger today than I was last week and much stronger than when I reemergence here a couple of months ago.  As I grow stronger I find that deep hurts and losses bubble up for me to deal with.

I was in a small prayer group that met esiposically, something with more feequency than others.  I was in this group for over 10 years.  Last year after my mothers death and the full on attack by my brothers for months I found it difficult to respond to emails.  This group communicates about gathering via emails.  Rather than reach out to me by an individual email or a phone call somewhere along the way I was imply dropped.  I cannot tell you how much this hurts.  It is this loss and utter rejection that has bubble up this morning.  I am certain that if I contacted them hey would let me back in but the problem is that if I addressed what happened they would be defensive and I cannot rejoin without raising the issue of being dropped nor can I accept a justification for dropping me without even contacting me.  So I will sadly and painfully just move on. I can't say it doesn't hurt.

I am dealing with lots of loss and rejection these days, years of it are flooding my memory. But I am growing stronger and stronger.  For the life of me I can't yet get a vision of what "belonging" will be. It certainly won't be what it was before the doors started closing in 1988 but it will be totally different.  There are several things that I can envision and I am looking forward to those.  I am ready to move forward..

I do wish I could start with a clean slate, with my house and yard in order rather than having to dig out but I will move forward regardless.  That digging out is the most difficult.  But I will do it.

This morningi head out to get my laundry done. My washer is broken for now.  I plan on getting my AC fixed.  I have some money available to me to do a few things but I have to apply for it and justify my self to a banking committee for every expense.  It is stunningly patronizing, especially after a life of N parents.  Plus even if the control of he committee were not in place there is not a boundless amount and I need to make it last  for a long time which brings up the whole issue of work. 

Ihave a fantastic concept  which has low startup costs . When I can count on myself as functioning I can delve in wholeheartedly.

I am definitely on my way.  Today I am also tackling several financial issues.  I am able to because the levels of shame are dropping to a manageable level for the first time in my life.  Could this be permanent?  Stronger bit by bit.

[Gaining Strength]

For my entire life getting up in the morning has been difficult.  For years I tried to determine why but decades ago I finally realized that for. My first 18 years the appointment of breakfast was so stomach turning that facing the day started immediately with a stomach ache.  I can see how I might be moving through that soon enough.  What a blessing it will be.

So much understanding is flooding in. I am beginning to see a bit of daylight of relief of action.  I have glimpses of how the resolution of the shame will release the shackles that keep me from it all. 

Lifelong I could start anything but the stomach grip would attack almost immediately after the first action and I would know that I was in legions there on out, tripling the shame.  Even if not free yet the multiplier effect has been released because I know why I am stymied.

Doing something for myself was the greatest generator of crippling shame - reading, needlework, gardening, dressing nicely.  That too had been a mystery to me, it still is to an extent though at last I have the intellectual information that my parents had to destroy me for their  narcissistic feed.  That is something that I have not read about.  I have mostly read that n parents fed off of their children's success but with mine it was my failure and suffering.  Why isn't that anywhere in the literature.  Now that I know that it is very, very freeing.  It gives me such a sense of hope. It relieves me of being such a huge failure.

Very thankful for this board Dr. Grossman.  Through it I am able to work through this stuff and feel connected.  Both of those pieces are very essential (redundant) to my healing - to have a place to express myself (have voice) and to have connection.  The greatest damage done by my parents was to become disconnected from humanity. That was the greatest. But also to be broken off from my ability to excute my will. That has left me horribly crippled in every way.  But I am  resurrecting today.

[Dr. Richard Grossman]

Very thankful for this board Dr. Grossman.  Through it I am able to work through this stuff and feel connected.  Both of those pieces are very essential (redundant) to my healing - to have a place to express myself (have voice) and to have connection.  The greatest damage done by my parents was to become disconnected from humanity. That was the greatest. But also to be broken off from my ability to excute my will. That has left me horribly crippled in every way.  But I am  resurrecting today.

I'm so glad you're here, GS!

Richard

[Gaining Strength]

For years when my stomach roiled I tensed up mightily to repress it - all unconsciously. I was very serious and very tense. My father had trained the joy and exuberance out if me and my mother trained other displays of emotion out as well. ( I was profoundly aware of this remotely when I has taken my child with friends to an amusement park. . Aware that squeals of joy or screams of any sort were totally verboten. It separates me from others. When younger I had such resentment of people who freely s'mores and was utterly puzzles by the attention for such displays. Mow I understand it all.

Almost 20 years ago I went to a therapist to get help with my complete inability to deal with things financial including the basic paying of bills on time. Today as I entered the laundromat, thinking about how much it would coast, I understood on an initial level that all of that financial angst came from the same cesspool. Could there even be hope for that.

All of this stuff is emerging, steadily, gently, at a pace that I can process it. The stomach turning is decreasing and at long last the tools I have tried for so many, many years are at long last chipping away. It has been a forever journey.

[Gaining Strength]

For YEARS every single phone call and every piece of mail has sent me into huge anxiety. I see that is easing. I was doing very well today and then suddenly my stomach began to ache. I have no idea why. Knowing helps me move through it. I feel I could throw up.

[Hopalong]

Yes, there's hope for all of it!

Re. the prayer group. Do you have the option of forgiving them for dropping you from their email list? It may not have been a big personal rejection. Perhaps they didn't know how, for you, it would be experienced as a huge, cripping rejection.

What might happen if you just reached out to one of them and said, 'I couldn't come for a while and realize I got dropped off the list. Can you add me again?"

If you kept it that simple, couldn't you return and enjoy the group again?

Just a thought.

xo
Hops