Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Ales2:
GS - Check out the book The Tools by Barry Michels and Phil Stutz. One of their chapters (I dont have access to the book right now, but check it on Amazon for Table of Contents and YouTube has video explanations of the Tools) has one about the Shadow, its called the Inner Authority tool and it talks about making friends with your shadow (sounds to me like what you are calling your demons in your post). Its a very helpful little tool to help with what you are describing.
Sending you best wishes for what you are dealing with/ GROWING through.
Ales2:
I lived in denial before and have recently lived in a state of self pity of emotional self indulgence, I guess overriding emotions will sound like denial to some people, its not, its an active choice to NOT to indulge bad feelings and make them worse.
Gaining Strength:
Ales2 - I LOVE The Tools. Think I'll retread it. Great suggestion.
Self pity was difficult to move out of. I realized that toddler me needed, deprived of mother's sympathy became caught in sel-pity. But in that state I was disempowered to help myself. It felt like a catch 22 and was released only when I began to see I could change things.
Will you say more about overriding emotions sounding like denial?
Ales2:
--- Quote ---But in that state I was disempowered to help myself. It felt like a catch 22 and was released only when I began to see I could change things.
--- End quote ---
This is very true. I feel like this is why my "adventures" (or mis-adventures) in therapy did not work out. The T did not seem to realize self pity and needing someone to help with my problems was disempowering for me. I think I have a significant problem with trust, mostly because needing someone was always bad for me. Vulnerability helps some people, it makes me worse (regardless of what PHDs like Brene Brown say about vulnerablity being a strength) I trusted the T and made myself vulnerable but I think he thought I would snap out of it on my own. Once I went down that hole I never got out. I got much worse in therapy with insomnia, weight gain, apathy, depression, confusion, loss of hope, demoralized, stuck and unable to move on. Despite those signs thought the T kept seeing me, when he should have referred me out to another therapist or terminated me. I terminated him because I felt so much worse and felt I was wasting my time with him. And I was.
I will say more about emotional override when I get through a week doing it. I just lost a sorority sister to breast/liver cancer yesterday and have another friend having surgery for a brian tumor today. She is stage 4 glioblastoma. I have a feeling I will need to do lots of emotional overriding to get through the next two weeks.
I need to journal and gather my thoughts on autonomy, vulnerability, and emotional override.
Gaining Strength:
I have to talk to myself a bit.
I see (flashback) that I was punished for taking care of myself, for feeling good, for smiling and being happy. So all of these things trigger self-condemnation. The most pernicious thing that triggers is HOPE.
So now I know this and I will hold it and mother it and sympathize and comfort each and every time I feel shut down by the pain triggered by these positive things.
No wonder I have struggled. But I am grown now and I can overcome it all. The thoughts are what is real. Healing thoughts will bring healing.
Having written this I feel immediate relief. I will be giving life to these words and thoughts over these next healing weeks. I thank so many here for your encouragement and support.
Long ago I found the analogy of having been hit by a truck helpful. It takes some time to recuperate from such trauma and people have such great sympathy. I never had the sympathy, empathy I needed as a young child and so lived longing for it feeling undeserving of it and resentful that others received it so freely. Now I can use my thoughts and imagination to provide what I needed/need and more along on my healing path.
This is why this path has been so up and down. One day up and the next, crashed low. Zero consistency. Now I know why, cam predict it and prepare for it and lift myself out of it. When good things happen the condemnation intensified. Now I know and can soothe and comfort before the unconscious process repeats and I can bring the unconscious process into the light where rational thought can address it.
That is how I see this process going forward.
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