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Still need to work through early trauma

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Gaining Strength:
Today and the next few will be interesting as this breakthrough comes to  some kind of a state of equilibrium. As the process begins to unravel I am seeing what has bee going on throughout my life. 

Years ago I recognizd that I worked on a kind of radio runer. I would get this feeling of dissonance and my mind would start rolling trying to figure out what this  ominous feeling was about.  It would inevitably land on some memory or thought of how I didn't measure up and in time it would be about what I had not done and what I needed to to - a form of shaming (that inevitably lead to paralysis because I was unconsciously trapped by "damned if you do and damned if you don't." But damned if you do was always more paralyzingly.

As this unravels I see how my body and thoughts played off one another. My my would look for what was wrong and my stomach would cramp up and I would either sek a distraction to repress the wretchedness or would plot through knowing more shame was coming on. And this cycle would repeat itself over and over throughout each and every day.

Now, I a,m able to process bits and piece though I still use quite a bit of diversion. But my ability to process is growing and there will come a day when I am more able to function than not.  That is the day I am looking forward to. It will be life changing.

Gaining Strength:
Writing about this is like talking about it. It gets it straight in my head.

My normal posture is one guarding against the horrific stomach pain that comes from tightness in my gut anticipating the shame and rejection and failure awaiting my every breath. As this grip begins to loosen , I am flooded with memory and shame and pain that has been repressed for years. It is so complicated.

The doors are opening because at long last I have the tools to process the feelings behind them. But the flood is too much. The only thing I know to do is to just process, process, process and let the tide take care of itself.

Dr. Richard Grossman:
Hi G.S.,

I don't want to interfere with your wonderful work here, so we can talk about theoretical "stuff" on another thread at another time.  Keep going!

Richard

Gaining Strength:
Serendipitously I discovered an article which closely  describes what I have been doing. It is in Psychology Today, written by Beverly Engel entitled How Compassion Can Heal  shame from Childhood.

Gaining Strength:
Dr. Grossman I value anything you have to say. This thread is open to any subject. I am thankful that you provide this forum. It has been  at times for me the only place I had to come to work through my struggles or my healing.

My journey has been a very slow one but I have never given up.

Yesterday was a day when I made great progress today is proving difficult. I am reminded that  somewhere in my unconscious it appears that I was greatly punished for achieving. I always seem to pay a price for it. But with that belief I can take it and work with it to offer support and kindness to that broken and shamed child and transfer to her courage and love and support. 

This little sed Ned's nourishment, light sun, water and love to grow. Through out my life I have fed the dark but hope was never extinguished. I fed resentment and jealousy but still hope flourished. Now I am feeding compassion and love as though to an infant and that will grow and flourish and life will be abundant. Like much in life the curve is slow at first but in time it will shoot up..

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