Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
I am having such a bad morning. I am so disappointed. None of my tricks are working. I know it won't kart but I had to tell someone. So much on my shoulders and so many struggles.
Ales2:
Hang in there GS - we must be on the same parallel plane.
My NM calls me on wednesday tells me she is 10 minutes away from my place and can she stop in....such a mistake for me to say yes. She came she visited, it was superficial we only talk cats, weather and obesity TV show. I cant talk real issues with her (never could) and I dont open myself up to her at all anymore.
Anyway, she brought of bunch of stuff, first I thought they were gifts, they were not, they were hand me downs of bath, makeup and other beauty type stuff. All extra junk I dont need.
Next day (yesterday) I realized this was a game, she would have dropped them here as an excuse for coming down and checking on whether I am at home or not.
I called her yesterday and told her that I dont need or want useless hand me downs and not to do that again.
These boundaries become a game for these people, the only way for me is to get a new job and end this I'm unemployed, I need my inheritance mess. Then I can say NO permanently.
Ales2:
AN EPIPHANY HERE:
I have to add something else. As I was walking home from getting coffee this morning, I was thinking that children of Narcissists become passive aggressives not because of weakness of their own character or personality but as a direct result of the Narcissistic rage that being assertive yields.
I was thinking of writing my NMom a confrontation letter to explain why there are no holidays, no calls, no visits and why we have no relationship but realize she won't listen, understand, nor will it resolve anything, it will only cause more problems. What I realized was that before I knew that Ns cannot be confronted because they dont have the emotional intelligence/empathy to deal with my feelings, I realized that as a kid, I just passively had to be abused as there was no other way. Any passiveness I had a kid and now as an adult was a conditioned response, not a conscious choice.
I hope all therapists get this so they can adequately support passive/aggressive patients. Its not as simple as just saying "Assert yourself" its a scary experience for people (who also lack these skills) who have had boundaries violated in the past and have little expectation their NO will be respected in the present/future. Im not scared of asserting boundaries but do find it comes with a backlash that is sometimes unpleasant or I am unprepared to deal with.
Gaining Strength:
Whew Ales, that was quite an insight. It felt like a bombshell.
I have figured out that mornings are the worst for me. Nights I get a reprieve. Holiday depression is setting in big time. No invitations for holiday gatherings from any relatives. My mother and I included family for YEARS. NOT THAT MY CHILD AND i are completely alone we are totally left out. VERY painful!!,
The child of an N is trained to not respond normally. In a normal family when a child expresses hurt or pain over treatment they usually receive comforting. In an N family they are lambasted and often retreat within not free to express hurt and pain which then turns into repressed anger, roiling, broiling over the years.
Passiveness is trained in.
For me it became a learned helplessness which I am now working to undo. But, even though I hate it, I am angry that I have no one to help or be helpful, to make tasks and pkanning and celebrating short shrift with.
I feel it taking a toll but with that wave of feeling I am reminded not to allow THAT feeling to take over. I want to lapse into that feeling if hurt which evokes a passive result. But I cannot allow it. Rest in the pain or fight for a spirit of hope and gratitude for what I have. It is like the choice of one lost in the frigid cold who wants to give into the fatigue but whose life demands the battle.
My life demands the battle - in spite of the extreme fatigue.
Gaining Strength:
Thankfully my little gadget is helping.
The wellspring of my depression and anxiety are the fruits of my reaction to abandonment, rejection, belittlement, and condemnation (all forms of rejection) deposited on the agar created at birth and triggered by connective memory over and over and over again throughout each day.
My mind on autopilot retrenches the wiring that feeds them. My willed thoughts and food and exercise and supplements soften them. I cannot give up this battle. Ops - re figure it to non-conflict terms.
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