Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Hopelessness over time hacked away at my persistence but now I only have persistence and time, time to retrain my brain. That requires desensitizing as well. The depression and anxiety triggers are attached to countless memories and everything that reminds me of them. So That's why desensitization is key - to stop the endless triggering.
I have been caught in depression before and come out of it. But that's one of the things about depression is that it is so difficult to remember what it is like to be out of it. Still it is important to use imagination and hope and determination.
Gaining Strength:
Today I am toggling back and forth between feeling the rejection and feeling what it is like to be free. I take this as a sign of progress and impending healing. The rejection is looming large and the experience of it - seeing how the pain of rejection led to intense agony, accompanied by fear and expectation of rejection until those three threads became intertwined to make up the very fabric of my existence.
Of course now I must replace those fibers. But I must also let this insight seep from the unconscious into my consciousness and flow on out, replaced with profound love and acceptance.
The greatest agony of rejection logically must connect to the fear of death and the primordial struggle for survival. It is that very basic.
I continue to get relief and perhaps healing (uncertain about this) from the EMDR.. I can feel something drain through the lymphatic system at the base of my neck and then a relief and calming each time I do it. And along with it a slight lessening of the heavy, ponderous psychic pain plaguing me lifelong.
I believe I am healing and moving toward freedom for a life to be lived.
Gaining Strength:
I discovered a guy named Ross Rosenberg who writes about n people.
As I watched one of his videos on how controlling N people are I was thinking about how I was trained to give my power away. I have been aware for years that on some level I was waiting, waiting, waiting for my parents to give me permission to take back my power. In this process I became a disempowered victim waiting to be rescued, saved. And though I know better intellectually I sadly recognize that I am still waiting for rescue. My power comes from taking the reins myself. That very thought provokes fear.
THAT is one of the psychological conditioning that I will be overcoming now. Along with that condition and the lack of help comes anger and bitterness a sense of unfairness, all of which is the antithesis of empowerment.
I am tired, very, very tired. Part of me sees taking charge, being in charge as exhausting. But it is NOT being in charge that is exhausting.
Bringing it all to the light, all that ugly, dark repressed shaming past and disempowering sense of failure and rejection. Exposing it to the light. Cleaning house, airing out. Other humans cannot destroy me, cannot take my strength away just because I have failed in the past. Only my owning shame can cause me to fail.
Step by step. Bit by bit. I am healing and strengthening. Growing and being accepted.
It has been a hard road but I have never given up and never will. I am getting stronger.
Gaining Strength:
My father's OCPD taught me that values were governed by "should" & "ought". It took me far into adulthood to realize life doesn't work this way. Those values fueled my bitterness but also led me to expect things to be done because they should be done. That included being included in things like the broad family celebrations. But "should" takes away personal responsibility and sets up for pain.
Opening the doors and windows to see the shoulds and expectations and skewed values and beliefs that have imprisoned me in the past. Cutting those binds, leaving those values and expectations and resentments and excruciating pain behind.
Ales2:
--- Quote ---I discovered a guy named Ross Rosenberg who writes about n people.
As I watched one of his videos on how controlling N people are I was thinking about how I was trained to give my power away. I have been aware for years that on some level I was waiting, waiting, waiting for my parents to give me permission to take back my power. In this process I became a disempowered victim waiting to be rescued, saved. And though I know better intellectually I sadly recognize that I am still waiting for rescue. My power comes from taking the reins myself. That very thought provokes fear.
--- End quote ---
LOL. I discovered him about a week ago also. I watched two or three of his videos. Very interesting stuff.
Oddly my response to needing to be rescued and saved was that I planned to do it through my career, thinking if I worked hard enough, cooperated and was kind to all, I would be rescued by my own success. HA! What a crock that turned out to be - all I got was people to tell me it was never enough, who controlled me to take advantage of my cooperative nature and exploited my kindness as a weakness.
Navigation
[0] Message Index
[#] Next page
[*] Previous page
Go to full version