Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Argh. This mother stuff and self hatred is some tough stuff. I totally understand why I have resorted to avoidance/paralysis. It has been one tough road to hoe. I have an appointment in late Jan. To see a psychiatrist. I think a couple of months on an antiabxuety would allow me enough time with a solid floor below me to build up my strength. Right now I don't know from day to day and hour to hour if I will be functioning vthat is a tough way to exist.
But between now and late January I need to get somethings done. So I am focussing on healing and committing to exercise, eating nutritiously, sleeping and taking my supplements regularly. As simple as that sounds it is difficult for me.
This EMDR gives me something to fall back on in times of greatest anxiety so that is a plus.
Ales2:
I need to end this job search with victory so I can better assert boundaries and go NC. Ive been suffering needlessly for far too long..
I was saying today that I forgive all the negativity of the people Ive had to deal with, Im grateful for the awareness, experience and lessons, and I look forward to ending the manipulation and conflict and finally having some autonomy and peace.
I wish the same for everyone here at the board....
Gaining Strength:
I've been binge watching old episodes of The Amazing Race. I am so drawn by the variety of ways people deal with the stress of the competition and difficult tasks and situations. In one season the boyfriend is calm and even keeled and the woman is high strung. At one point she yells at him to become more anxious. It reminded me of childhood memories of my father demanding such a reaction.
I'm also remembering how I wasn't allowed to be happy when he was angry or irritated.
Gaining Strength:
Ales - what a great approach. I think it helps profoundly.
Ales2:
Sadly, I came across a chart I made in 2006 about dating - a three step chart of things I was learning and I discover a couple of paragraphs about my Mom and how hurtful she was to me even during this time. This was pre-2008 and my discovery of her narcissism, but the issues are all still the same.
The good side is - I know her Nism/abuse true and has been for a very long time. During that time, I was always nice to her and we "got along" but I did lash out at her earlier that year over some dating game stuff that was evident to me it came from my abusive upbringing, i.e guys playing mental/crazymaking games and then turning it on me to feel bad.
The bad side is that I have been dealing with this for my entire life without resolution, so when a therapist tells you that you are "not yet ready to move on" that is complete and utter BS. I was more than ready to move on when I saw my T from 2008 to 2010, but instead of being supportive and offering solutions (nothing in his book talks anything about resuming financial independence and NC, the two solutions I need, I think its a foreign concept to him) he took advantage of my disempowered state both financially and emotionally.
Anyway, I have less than 3 pages in my journal left, and one of those pages is just an acknowledgement that maybe trying to solve these problems IS the problem, maybe its time to stop the pursuit of "solving things" and just get on living my life as best I can.
I am going to be off the board until the New Year, so all the best to everyone and to Dr. G as well. Im grateful to you all for the lessons and friends I have here. :D
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