Still need to work through early trauma

[Gaining Strength]

Hops, thanks for your kind words. I am very hopeful and determined as always. I am also thankful to be able to name a part of the blockage and to have found a way to stand in the presence of the suppressed pain and transform it into something unable to do further damage.

[Gaining Strength]

Good day. Getting stronger in my work walking right on through the barriers of shame and fear, as though the solid concrete has become a permeable gel.  Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings.

[Gaining Strength]

This is a war that has to be won one battle at a time. I am in for the long haul.  In addition to the lifetime habituation of a shamed mind I must overcome the extraordinary exhaustion of the battle. The constant strain on my adrenals has taken a toll but it will only get better.

Until now, the battle was sysiphian. Any progress was wiped away because the contro
Lying aparatus of shame was  ever powerful.  Now that that very behemoth is being addressed there is the remnant of the fear and expectation that what ever progress has been made will be wiped out. But I will continue to remind myself that even that will be overcome.

[Gaining Strength]

Hello everyone.

Each day is something new. I am both stronger and very exhausted.  I have so much in front of me. Just thinking about it is exhausting. But I also am getting stronger about facing all that is in front of me.

I drove over 6 hours today to take my child to a woman who is developing a fascinating technology which identifies and treats imbalances. This was our second trip. It was fascinating. I can't wait to see what comes of it.

This week I got bags and bags of trash bagged up.bags of clothes and some furniture picked up and a plumber coming in the morning. I'm not yet prepared for the plumber but I am tired.  We'll see what gets done. This morning I was very, tired and had a hard time getting up but we got there right on time.

As I break through these layers and layers of shame I expect to give a break to my adrenals and that may  help reduce the fatigue.

[Gaining Strength]

Rough morning. I had  memories of a recent experience in which I was trying to straighten out a mess with my drivers license.  It was very convoluted and took enormous amount of work before I went to court. Very generously my therapist went to court with me and was thinking it would be easy as he knew the small municipality judge. It didn't go we'll. the prosecutor was such a jerk. He screamed and yelled at me, called me names. Was belittling and demeaning.   This is what my father used to do. This is exactly what makes it difficult for me to deal with the messes I have to clean up. I'm facing one today. I haven't been able to do as much to prepare as I would like and I would really like to cancel the appointment.

I have been using my images to healing with recognizing and overcoming the shaming. It helps.  It brings forward these images like the one I have described. I have so far to go.

[Hopalong]

This week I got bags and bags of trash bagged up.bags of clothes and some furniture picked up

My GOSH. That is huuuuuuuuuuuuge. I really know how huge that is!
Where have you put GS?

Sorry you had a "step back" with some old feelings but don't despair. That means nothing in regard
to your overall amazing realizations (compassioncompassioncompassion = a step back doesn't disable)...

You're doing great, GS. Fatigue does give us setbacks. NOT to worry.

You're going to be okay.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Neither my phone nor my computer work. I took them both in last Thursday.  Verizon said that because my phone was under warranty I could receive another but if something not warranted is the cause I will be charged $200. The new phone arrived it doesn't work. I finally heard from Apple last night that they don't know what is wrong with my computer but they will send it off for $750.  I am currently now using my child's iPad.

We have no water. Our pipes burst and it has been difficult to get a plumber. Plus the house is such a wreck. I am so nervous about anyone coming in. I feel like the world is collapsing around me and my finances are so limited and I am not only not working but it will be very difficult to get a job that will pay the bills.

I knew today would be difficult but I didn't know how difficult. There are some other very significant issues at play at the same time. If I don't break through this paralysis soon I have no idea how I will  be able to provde.  The well is dry.

[Gaining Strength]

External mess a reflection of my internal chaos. It will only be resolved from the inside out.

Disgust introjected from the other can be seen as the root categorical emotion of the compound emotion of shame. We may manifest this disgust outwardly as the shaming-blaming part is then projected onto others as a defense or manifest it inwardly as we turn on the self. That critical voice inside is now functioning as our own psyche’s best effort to protect ourselves from further shame. “If I, the inner critic or judge, can keep you in hiding so you don’t do anything else stupid to evoke an attack by ‘them’, you won’t be hurt again. I will do my job and do it quickly before anything bad can happen so ‘they’ won’t do it worse.” We believe that this inner berating and constraining of self will keep us belonging within the norms of the group (or attachment figure).  Of course, this sends what we call the wounded inner child into exile, feeling lonely, isolated, orphaned, even from one’s self.

The following piece perfectly describes my existence:

Shame begins to be toxic when the innate yearning to connect and belong, and the inborn need to be seen, to be big, to be masterful, are not met positively.  This state becomes engrained when these yearnings are ignored, dismissed, rejected, when we are shamed, criticized, judged, humiliated for those longings on a regular basis.  As a colleague of mine said recently, “Our innocent exuberance is slammed in mid-pirouette.”  Our activation to reach out and engage immediately contracts; we withdraw, shut down, hide.  Our yearnings are paired with pain, literally heart ache or heart break.  Toxic shame curls the once hopeful – now wounded – children inside up into a ball of pain and hurt, hiding in defensive, isolating caves, protecting themselves as best they can against further rejection and humiliation.

I have no choice . I must find the way to function.  My child depends on it. It midst happen. I must find a way forward.

[Gaining Strength]

That whole thing about dreams being squashed is what causes me to hold onto stuff that is ruined. I see it thanks to those words. Because I have not mourned the loss I am bound to it - literally bound to it.   Mourning and grieving are not conscious processes. They do not operate on summons.  I long to start this process. I long to move through it. I long to be free.

[Gaining Strength]

The longing I have to connect is indescribable. Connection as a child was subjugation or obligation.  I never experienced the delight in my presence that most children are received with. The longing to connect has seen me repeat the two prongs established so early but they do not exist in isolation, they are coupled with profound resentment. Longing and resentment and expectation of rejection all bound together with the profound underpinning that I fundamentally believe I deserve all punishments and rejection.   It is a complex configuration. Holding the child who was so profoundly rejected.

As a child of 4 I learned of adoption while watching television. I remember so clearly how my heart lept thinking that I must have been adopted. It gave me such joy to think there might be another family for me somewhere.

I have lost so much in this life. My longings have been so intense and unrequited, filled with great sorrow. My work now is to stay with that broken child and bring love and healing to her so that she can move forward, leaving the ruins behind.

[Gaining Strength]

Shame begins to be toxic when the innate yearning to connect and belong, and the inborn need to be seen, to be big, to be masterful, are not met positively.  This state becomes engrained when these yearnings are ignored, dismissed, rejected, when we are shamed, criticized, judged, humiliated for those longings on a regular basis.  As a colleague of mine said recently, “Our innocent exuberance is slammed in mid-pirouette.”  Our activation to reach out and engage immediately contracts; we withdraw, shut down, hide.  Our yearnings are paired with pain, literally heart ache or heart break.  Toxic shame curls the once hopeful – now wounded – children inside up into a ball of pain and hurt, hiding in defensive, isolating caves, protecting themselves as best they can against further rejection and humiliation.


From  www.lindagraham-mft.net, The Power of Mindfulness.

So succinctly she gets at the whole of it.

I feel compelled to close my eyes, feel the humiliation, receive love from loving entities and send it into the broken hearts of those who wounded me from the start and who denied my longings and being until the very end.

[Gaining Strength]

The innate longing to connect often impedes the silence necessary for the emergence of the  wounded unconscious to receive the healing love. How often it has been presented in the past only to be ridiculed and berated. Still the wounds and wounded must open to receive all that is perfect and gracious.

[Gaining Strength]

I am slowly but surely replacing the habituated dark emotional responces and expectations with higher ones. Yesterday I held images of my parents and was drawn further back for several generations. In each subsequent generation I was able to see or feel the blockages and woundings.  In this process I saw again that my mother was stuck at 3. Suddenly it struck me that her middle sister was born then and it immediately be me clear why she had become stuck. My grandmother put everything into that middle child who was different and carried a very dark, demanding energy forward. I found on my father's side such darkness and narcissism that I felt compelled to erect an one way wall, allowing only love to flow to them but none of their life stripping demands to pierce through.

Last night I had a dream with some recurring themes including my mother lying and refusing to be forthcoming. This was a constant battle in real life. My frustration was indescribable. But on waking I connected to images of loving people, sought their counsel and healing and over time was able to release that frustration, loss and torment.

Doing a little research last night into energy levels of emotions I came across a piece that described shames as the lowest level  at 20. Fear  and anxiety was several levels higher but still low. Functioning at such low levels has brought on much of the darkness and made it difficult to rise above. I have tried for years and years to rise above, to let go of pain and resentment and longing. Most spiritual writing says to do so but few explain how to do so.  I am so thankful that I have found a means .

For me, the most binding belief hidden deep, deep was that I did not deserve good things but that I deserved the bad, rejection and not to have my desires met or achievements celebrated. Even this pro founding crippling state has been freed. To be able to tune into love and release shame , anxiety and fear is remarkable. Only good can come of it.

It is through this change that the order in my home will come, that the creative activities will be freed fron not deserving and condemnation.

I have sought help for decades but somehow the dark energies were actually solidified rather than healed. I don't really know why.  But today I feel strongly on an upward path lifted away from shame . I have some elements of fear to work on. They are deeply engrained  but it will be much easier to hold these in consciousness. I expect layers of work here but I not only can do it I am compelled to do it.

Thankful to have this place to work this out.

[Gaining Strength]

Doing nothing or being in a state of paralysis avoids the excruciating triggers of shame. Part of that trigger is the expectation of it and that is a lifelong ingrained habit. Now that I am armed with the ability to tap into the feeling of being loved I have to practice it over and over until it replaces the habit of being triggered. I think I can look forward to this because it s easy enough to triumph.

A first step is getting relief from the expectation of shutdown from shame. As I venture out today to take care of legal business I am calling on that new experience of tuning into feeling loved rather than shamed to carry me through.

[Gaining Strength]

Long day. Got everything done.

Dr. Jeffry Schwartz says the brain changes with daily work by 45 days. I'm counting on it.