Still need to work through early trauma

[Hopalong]

I love that.

One square foot.
Or ten.

There will be beauty in that clean calm spot.
Then tomorrow you'll create another.

Hops

[Hopalong]

Do you feel shamed by the act of housecleaning?

Hops

[river]

Hi GS/ everyone,
I feel late arriving here, have read a lot of what's written but couldnt read all. 
I was struck, GS, by how I had expereinced everything you described to the last detail.  - the paralysis, the feeling of impossibility around losing a bit of paper, that small thing + I'd feel deluged and sunk in a 'hopeless-cut-out-to-be-a-victim' trigger.  I'd also be flooded by a physical response in my body. 
And you said:

  because each one sounds trivial in description but the cumulative effect was devastating.   

  ....... I understand this, but isnt that part of being voiceless, its those small things which carrry the implicit meaning, which can go beneath the radar of others, but impact us because we know the meaning of these 'small' things, and their impact lands right inside in those tender parts.  Understanding the dynamics of these relationships, and the related disorders causing them has helped me some around these. 

I'm interested in possible ways/ paths to recovery, ..........  ?  I never found what I deeply needed, altho I'm bettter, I dont feel my problem was resolved at the depth I longed for.  I still seek, peer group possibilities interest me. 

river

[river]

....... I just wanted to add:  I do have my own understanding of how all this comes about, that its  by the projections of others, how that historical trajectory is created, and plays itself out thro us.  What has been amazing to me is the sheer power of those projections, the hold they can have within us.  And then, IME, its not just those orignal ones, many in society, of course are opperating at some level on the same disordered framework internally as was at play in the original, so we meet it all over again, and get tested.  'Same play, different actors' as the saying goes. 
So, my task has been, and I'm still only learning and trying to find ways to act outside of that dynamic. 


Dont know if any of this makes sense? This is so central for me, maybe I should do another post.  (but thern theres all those bits of paper waiting for my attention!) 

river

[Gaining Strength]

Very touching river.

I came to write about the profound level of rejection I am working through.  It is shaming and it comes through shame. And then I read your post and felt so connected.

" many in society are operating on the same disordered framework internally..."
Yes. I could say so much in response - but I am strick but the poetry of your succinctness and am going to leave it there.

Peer group possibilities interest me too.

[Gaining Strength]

There are layers and layers of the shame that have accumulated over my lifetime. Bits and pieces are attached to things sort of like barnacles. The full weight of rejection and it's shame has descended onme now and is awaiting resolution, healing.  I have not yet dug deep enough to get to "not good enough" , " you don't deserve", " you get what you deserve."  Even writing those phrases generates the physical sensation of shame, descending on my shoulders. 

I was compelled for decades to move through life longing for a savour. Even in more recent years as I recognized this was from being stuck in a level or arrested development, I could not shake it. Some part of the enormity of the mess of me home, I suspect , was a cry for help,intervention, from outside.  It was not permitted to ask for help.  Only nw can I see that both my mother and my father did everything they could to avoid providing help.  It drew on deficiencies within their own beings. So they shamed rather  than helped
, even though they both had abundant resources to draw on to provide help. Early on, I was made resource less and I adapted to that stae, waiting helplessly for he
Lp and resources tobe bestowed on me.  That is the psychological prison I enshrouded myself in and to which I have the key and yet I have not yet been able to use.  I must first get out from underneath the shroud of shame because it hAs both psychological and physical components of paaralysis. 

Step by step.day by day.

Do not abandon me.

[Hopalong]

I searched "how to unlearn helplessness" and among many results, found this article. I liked what she said about thinking.
http://www.three-principles.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/Unlearning-Helplessness.pdf


And if I could give you a present, GS...it would be this book:
http://www.amazon.com/Helplessness-Depression-Development-Series-Psychology/dp/071672328X#

love,
Hops

[Izzy_*now*]

GS
I just had a sudden thought today looking at a book on the table. I had just read it and have yet to put it back on the shelf. I had read it before and knew I would like it again.

The thought was that I hadn’t had anyone interested in my interests…...books, movies, soap operas, music, website building, cooking, yada yada…..nothing for sharing and opinions. This made me take on the feeling  that “everything I did was weird….or wrong".
Who brought this about? I did? Because I was already being ignored,? Or…

Now,
-because we are getting to know one another, Ellen brought me two books to share; Karla and I watch the Y&R together twice a week, and I keep her apprised about the shows she misses. If I miss the same I check the internet an apprise her.

So regardless of current events, jobs,  etc. I have them to help make topics to discuss instead of just my health or theirs.

Thinking back, siblings and I could have shared an interest but we never talked about it, so?…. Good or bad we never shared anything! I find, in that, something important was missing!

Izzy

[river]

   did everything they could to avoid providing help.  It drew on deficiencies within their own beings. So they shamed rather  than helped
, even though they both had abundant resources to draw on to provide help. Early on, I was made resource less and I adapted to that stae, waiting helplessly for he
Lp and resources tobe bestowed on me.  That is the psychological prison I enshrouded myself in and to which I have the key and yet I have not yet been able to use.  I must first get out from underneath the shroud of shame because it hAs both psychological and physical components of paaralysis. 
               

That is the psychological prison I enshrouded myself in and to which I have the key and yet I have not yet been able to use.  I must first get out from underneath the shroud of shame because it hAs both psychological and physical components of paaralysis. 
 

......... this last one - what happens if that were rephrased into  - '..... in that dynamic I was enshrouded by them, their witholding from me imprisoned my desire and created longing,  and to which I have yet to find the key to free my will from the grip of their will for me,..... 

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks for the article and book link Hops. Sellingman, of course, coined the phrase "learned helplessness." I bet his books are great. I am less impressed with Sedgeman's article. Her brief description of her childhood suggests she has no idea what it is to have parents sabotage and undermine a child. That's what learned helplessness derives from - a parent or authority figure's need for control and rendering a child or subordinate powerless to the point of helplessness.

I did see a great article on Huff Post about a fabulous sounding book entitled Supersurviver. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/07/08/what-is-a-supersurvivor_n_5549072.html?ncid=fcbklnkushpmg00000063. I love this. It fits in nicely with Peter Levine's work and The Tools which I have great regard for.  Levine, The tool guys and the authors of this book all understand that it is very difficult to overcome trauma. Their work acknowledges the difficulty but gives hope. In my experience it is very rare for people to be able to acknowledge a person's great pain and wounding. So many trivialize it with ideas and comments that all are a version of "get over it." If only it were that easy.

[Gaining Strength]

Izzy, that need to share runs so deep in us doesn't it? I am so glad you have Ellen and Carla to share books and TV with. 

As I progress through this blanket of shame I find myself digging through depths of rejection and the deeply binding fear (and expectation of fear) of rejection.  The longing for connection is so great but I am uncovering a long repressed sense of resentment of being rejected and ignored that goes back to the beginning of my time.  I am seeing at long last how that fear of rejection, expecting it and resenting it have all, ironically led to more of it. I can't help but believe as these fall away I'll find more opportunities for connection and sharing and relationships. I'm counting on it.

[Gaining Strength]

River, I love your comment. I think language is very important, that choice of words has power and frames he way we understand something. I chose the phrasing "I enshrouded myself in" because if I did it then I can undo it. It gives me the power to do something about it, now that I am an adult.  But, your wording is really a reflection of what happened to me. As a child I had no ability to chose, I simply reacted, and that was out of the need to survive. I certainly couldn't reason about what was happening to me. But what I like about your choice of words is that it reminds me that I am not responsible for what happened though I am becoming empowered to do something about it.

[Gaining Strength]

I am making progress, and I am so thankful. I feel the tight grip shame producing anxiety has had on me lifelong is lessening her grip. As I unravel from that I of course encounter other strangleholds but their revelation is much easier to face and release than any obstacle I have worked through yet.  It all gives me such great hope. But I will think myself healed (not perfected, just healed) wi
Hen I am free to tackle the tasks I set out for myself. I still have work to do to get their, perhaps some more archeology but certainly some entrenched habits to switch. Patience, determination, perseverance and celebration of victories along the way. Step by step.

Daily I have countless opportunities to  notice and release the long practiced, unconscious, internalized voices of condemnation. Until very recently, their presence, either conscious or unconscious, was debilitating. No longer. Now when I become aware of them I am able to say " There it is. I no longer am ruled by this." Each time I feel such comfort and relief.

Looking forward to more healing tomorrow and each day forward.

[Gaining Strength]

Time for the next step. I've made great strides in processing shame. Who knows how much more there is but I know what to do with it when it strikes now: just recognize the force at work, call it by name, recognize that it is belongs to those who shamed me bad is from my schildhood and tune into an image of someone full of love.

But the other day I recognized that rejection is a major force holding me back as well and so is self-loathing. That self-hatred never really belonged to me but I took on the project because I believed in my parents when I was a child.l

I found a wonderful website today that addresses these very issues. I can't wait to delve in. I love the philosophy that I have initially found.

The web page is coquettish.com
Here's a bit from the site: The stuckness of a pattern is frustrating, but ... do you hear the hidden message in this? Let me say it again. The emotional body - even though frozen, unexpressed, unremembered and inaccessible - has enormous power to outpicture whatever it is holding.

I'm in for a venture, heading back into the maelstrom in order to work things out. Following the philosophy that the only way out is through.  The little bit that I have already experienced open me up to the great anger I have at being totally dropped, neglected by my mother. No doubt those feelings are in there concerning my father as well. I feel such hatred and I do not like that. So I have repressed it but it has NOT gone away.

. I'm heading back in. It is always scary to do but each and every time it has been a winning result. I'm so thankful to have a place to share my journey. Wish me well.

[Hopalong]

I wish you well!

Hops