Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
I feel like I have never been in this much pain in my life but that isn't true. I have always been in this pain - my entire life. I have just repressed it. The shame is almost intolerable. The feeling of rejection is crushing but I know it does not have to always be this way. But the change will only come if I address this pain and face it.
It is so difficult. But I must.
Gaining Strength:
Sitting with the pain, using Jon Kabat-Zinn's guided mindfulness allows me to be present to it without moving into avoidance - where I have been living my entire life. How long til the bounds are I loosed? It really doesn't matter. There is no other direction to move in now that I am aware of these binds..
Profound self- hatred and fear and expectation of rejection bound into avoidance patterned into me from my first days. Now the blind has been removed.
I long to be free, to be whole.
Hopalong:
What a gorgeous, loving, humane thing to say:
--- Quote ---Peace will unfold before you as far as you can see.
--- End quote ---
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Gaining Strength on January 23, 2015, 02:45:39 PM ---I feel like I have never been in this much pain in my life but that isn't true. I have always been in this pain - my entire life. I have just repressed it. The shame is almost intolerable. The feeling of rejection is crushing but I know it does not have to always be this way. But the change will only come if I address this pain and face it.
It is so difficult. But I must.
--- End quote ---
It's tough going, GS. I've never found a short cut or a way of bypassing it. But it does ease, and lift, and move aside to make room for other (better) things eventually. Be kind to yourself during this time, take baths, walk, talk, write, indulge yourself, reach out to someone else, whatever you do to look after you. For me there have been times when it feels like you're coming out of a coma and every single nerve in your body is screaming. It's so hard, but it does pass with time.
Gaining Strength:
My hopes and dreams and longings are deeply shamed.
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