Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board

Still need to work through early trauma

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Hopalong:
Absolutely. I am not at all a fan of denying pain, shoving it back in undigested, all that.
I guess it just depends on how long it goes and if it seems like a recycling loop.

I kind of live in fear of not moving forward because I have spent years stuck in places
that, looking back, I wish I'd known things (like the affirmation literally re-grooving brain
thing) that I didn't. Maybe it would have moved me through sooner than it did.

I have come to believe that literally, language leads life. I believe whatever I am
saying to myself inside my head over and over...becomes both liberating (if that's
what I'm pointing out to myself) or a trap (ditto). That's all I'm getting at.

I'm glad you said that, Boat. Makes me re-check where my thinking's coming from
and how much what I suggest to others is just projection of my own stuff. I really
have trouble getting that lesson to stick.

(And GS, if what I wrote was unhelpful I know you have the good sense to skate on
past...I'm cheering you always and will try to keep observations constructive!)

xo
Hops

Gaining Strength:
Using Jon Kabat-Zinn's guided meditations to be present to my life denying pain from rejection, condemnation and hatred. It is indescribably painful. Will it help? Will it set me free? How soon? How much do I need to do it daily? What does " free" mean for me?

I have no idea but I have to go forward. I t does not yet bring relief. It doesn't even really bring me hope and yet I am compelled to move forward.

What I hate most is being in a permanent feeling sense of original pain piled on top with a life long experience of more cycles of rejection, failure and rejection.

The need to avoid the unbearableness of the pain has lifelong sent me into shutdown avoidance which ironically created more situations of rejection and failure and so more crushing pain.

It is all so clear now. What isn't clear is the way through. But I see one stepping stone ahead and that is this wretched experience of mindful meditation which heightens the pain and seems to make it more real, more intense, more wretched and more unavoidable which only intensifies the longing to avoid.

No more. I have to face it. Heaven help me find the strength and courage.

Gaining Strength:
hops, you have a good point about language. It indeed has power.

I am so raw right now. As though each wound is band new. I can think of little past getting to and through these sessions, surviving and hoping for healing. But as the rawness heals I will return to that place of grateful ness and careful selection of words. Thanks for reminding me.

Gaining Strength:
Garbanzo, I hate that your original post was lost to the ether.  But boy oh boy do I get your point. I hate it but I get it.

Gaining Strength:
I deserved failure and rejection, filth, failure and condemnation. He told me and I believed him.

I do not deserve success or beauty or acceptance and belonging. He implied it and I absorbed it unaware.

I know nothing else but I choose to no longer live that reality.

Receiving awareness of these states without judgment or fear of permanence is anethma, paradoxical, but possible and healing. Do I deserve healing?  Will my unconscious receive healing and deserving of love and life?

Somehow. Yes.

Please let it be swift like a rushing wind.

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