Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Hopalong:
I hear you.
Reminds me of when my T said matter-of-factly--Oh, I see. You're letting your feelings be in charge.
HUH? Mercifully I knew he was not judging me for my emotions. Just pointing out that I expected them
to be all sweet and sorted out before I moved forward. He was telling me, indirectly...You could alternatively
allow/choose your rational mind to be in charge. (More often.)
I still fight that contest, every single day. Every now and then, I can simply take action, letting the feelings
about it have their busy turmoily drama and for that moment or hour, I decide that my feelings are weather.
They will blow but I am still going to do my next task. As I would if it were raining and I still had to go out.
Or something. Not a brilliant metaphor. It must have been his timing and my readiness because it was
one of those AHAs. No magic and it sure didn't wipe away the paralysis-analysis, but it did help. The
moments of motion come more often now.
Every small step is huge and wonderful, I mean. As are yours. Every single small step is huge and wonderful.
Don't you give up on our (((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))))))) !!
xxoo
Hops
Twoapenny:
--- Quote from: Hopalong on February 05, 2015, 08:01:52 AM ---I hear you.
Reminds me of when my T said matter-of-factly--Oh, I see. You're letting your feelings be in charge.
HUH? Mercifully I knew he was not judging me for my emotions. Just pointing out that I expected them
to be all sweet and sorted out before I moved forward. He was telling me, indirectly...You could alternatively
allow/choose your rational mind to be in charge. (More often.)
I still fight that contest, every single day. Every now and then, I can simply take action, letting the feelings
about it have their busy turmoily drama and for that moment or hour, I decide that my feelings are weather.
They will blow but I am still going to do my next task. As I would if it were raining and I still had to go out.
Or something. Not a brilliant metaphor. It must have been his timing and my readiness because it was
one of those AHAs. No magic and it sure didn't wipe away the paralysis-analysis, but it did help. The
moments of motion come more often now.
Every small step is huge and wonderful, I mean. As are yours. Every single small step is huge and wonderful.
Don't you give up on our (((((((((((((((((((((GS)))))))))))))))))))))))) !!
xxoo
Hops
--- End quote ---
Wow, thank you for this Hops, was catching up on GS' thread and saw that you had written this and how funny, I am just at this point myself and wondering if I should stop waiting to feel 'better' and just get on with it. So timely, how funny when that happens.
GS, sorry to jump in on that one, really resonated, it's amazing how much other people's struggles, as painful as they are for them, can help other people just by being there on the screen, if you see what I mean. I really understand what you mean about the strength of those feelings. For such a long time, for me, it was as if they'd realised I was noticing them for the first time ever and they were just going to keep screaming in case I forgot about them again. Huge rollercoasters in those early days, it does settle but I feel for you right now. Thank you for being brave enough to write about it all xx
Gaining Strength:
I love this dialogue. It is fruitful.
I have noticed that at different places in this journey I use the same words and language to reflect my experiences that are quite different. I am definitely further along but feeling worse. But I have just stumbled on something that helps me understand.
I
Stumbled on Jim Hopper's site. A mindfulness practitioner from Harvard Medical, he addresses the pain and how attention to it initially increases it. This helps me understand why I am both drawn to mindfulness as a healing tool and why I avoid it - the intensity worsens. But the way out is through. I have no where to go but through.
This is unquestionably the most difficult and painful journey of my life and I am angry that I must undertake it and that it is so painful. The decision is mine - avoid the pain or participate in the healing. There can only be one response.
What if I'm not good enough? What if I don't follow through?
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---What if I'm not good enough?
--- End quote ---
We took that retired old Southern judge with his food-dribbled paunch and tobacco juice leaking down his chin and gross spider-veined nose from raging and his bumpy liver-spotted pate and we shoved him into his jalopy and escorted him all the way to the county line. He looked back at us with his lip wobbling: "But I am the JUDGE, surely you must still respect me!" and we just smiled. Patted our mules on their strong sweaty necks and turned back toward our homes. The sunlight looked different that afternoon, more golden. And the shade blessedly sweet. (We heard him ranting down the road, fainter and fainter. And though we now and then remember him, he's gray and faint and vaporous his voice is a tinny gasp. His day is done.)
--- Quote ---What if I don't follow through?
--- End quote ---
You might not follow through perfectly. It might be two steps forward, one step back...day after day when all you are hearing is the judge screaming, "Back!"
Then one day, you wake up and realize you forgot to do the math. And everything changes.
love
Hops
Gaining Strength:
I have been in avoidance because the pain is too great. I chose to open myself up to step in. It is difficult and painful and triggers the cycle of avoidance which has been my destructive "coping" strategy since childhood.
During a meditation today, I saw myself facing a meditation instructor who had received anger and rejection that I projected onto him. He mirrored it back to me. Being present to this pain generates a wellspring of agitation and discomfort. If I stay with it, relax into it it bursts like a volcano or breaks like a fever and all the negative energy discharges. If I shift away from it it retreats back to the unconscious where it continues to fester and wreak destruction.
Even still it is difficult to stay present to it. All the more reason I must.
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