Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
I had a crack into insight today, not fully a breakthrough but a beginning. I have been practicing and learning about mindfulness through Jon Kabat-Zinn and Jim Hopper. Today while doing a 10 minute meditation focusing on breathing I saw how profoundly my father's condemnation and my mother's complicity in it shaped me to be self-condemning about all they criticized and all they were silent about. Over the years that self condemnation grew to encompass everything I do in life. Today I saw how that has led to this state I am in.
I'm not out of it. It's grip is not broken. But this is the first step in healing. And it is coming.
I was able to sit in this meditation, have my mind wander, not sit perfectly and for the first time in decades if iff and on trying various meditative forms, just smile at my imperfections. And in that moment the feelings associated with shame, rejection, failure, condemnation, etc. cracked - for an instant - and I saw a different reality.
Perhaps this is a bell which cannot be untuned. Time will tell. I have so much to do. I am ready for freedom.
Gaining Strength:
Since June, I have been flooded with memories in which I felt rejected from every period of my life. The memories have flooded me day and night, awake and asleep, relentlessly. They have hit me hard, knocking my feet out from underneath me. And they keep coming. I believe I have perhaps been processing them but it has been like cutting a forest one tree at a time.
I have no choice but to persevere a believe in an end, a triumph. I see no clearing but u am not yet tired.
Gaining Strength:
I have found temporary relief using various techniques time and time again only to find myself falling back into the mire as deeply or deeper. And yet I have never given up nor given up hope.
Should relief only be temporary I give thanks for the relief how ever long it lasts. Today I will not give into fear that it return but only give thanks that it is here.
Gaining Strength:
As I continue with the guided meditations with Jon Kabat-Zinn, the sting on the omnipresent shame/anxiety/paralysis begins to loosen. And I am becoming more aware of its power over me. This is very interesting. I can't wait to see how this progresses.
Gaining Strength:
Each time I focus on breathing the volume of the anxiety is turned down. More and more memories arise. Awareness of my self hatred and condensation increases and toxic mories arise. Throughout my life my subconscious self criticism has been repeatedly reaffirmed by failings, rejections and loss. As the volume of the anxiety turns down my clarity increases.
I suspect that in time I will feel free to venture forward without omnipresent fear of rejection and failure. For decades I tried to understand what was wrong with me. Now I know. And very slowly things are finally lifting. It has been a long journey.
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