Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Still need to work through early trauma
Hopalong:
--- Quote ---This week I got bags and bags of trash bagged up.bags of clothes and some furniture picked up
--- End quote ---
My GOSH. That is huuuuuuuuuuuuge. I really know how huge that is!
Where have you put GS?
Sorry you had a "step back" with some old feelings but don't despair. That means nothing in regard
to your overall amazing realizations (compassioncompassioncompassion = a step back doesn't disable)...
You're doing great, GS. Fatigue does give us setbacks. NOT to worry.
You're going to be okay.
love
Hops
Gaining Strength:
Neither my phone nor my computer work. I took them both in last Thursday. Verizon said that because my phone was under warranty I could receive another but if something not warranted is the cause I will be charged $200. The new phone arrived it doesn't work. I finally heard from Apple last night that they don't know what is wrong with my computer but they will send it off for $750. I am currently now using my child's iPad.
We have no water. Our pipes burst and it has been difficult to get a plumber. Plus the house is such a wreck. I am so nervous about anyone coming in. I feel like the world is collapsing around me and my finances are so limited and I am not only not working but it will be very difficult to get a job that will pay the bills.
I knew today would be difficult but I didn't know how difficult. There are some other very significant issues at play at the same time. If I don't break through this paralysis soon I have no idea how I will be able to provde. The well is dry.
Gaining Strength:
External mess a reflection of my internal chaos. It will only be resolved from the inside out.
--- Quote ---
Disgust introjected from the other can be seen as the root categorical emotion of the compound emotion of shame. We may manifest this disgust outwardly as the shaming-blaming part is then projected onto others as a defense or manifest it inwardly as we turn on the self. That critical voice inside is now functioning as our own psyche’s best effort to protect ourselves from further shame. “If I, the inner critic or judge, can keep you in hiding so you don’t do anything else stupid to evoke an attack by ‘them’, you won’t be hurt again. I will do my job and do it quickly before anything bad can happen so ‘they’ won’t do it worse.” We believe that this inner berating and constraining of self will keep us belonging within the norms of the group (or attachment figure). Of course, this sends what we call the wounded inner child into exile, feeling lonely, isolated, orphaned, even from one’s self.
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The following piece perfectly describes my existence:
--- Quote ---Shame begins to be toxic when the innate yearning to connect and belong, and the inborn need to be seen, to be big, to be masterful, are not met positively. This state becomes engrained when these yearnings are ignored, dismissed, rejected, when we are shamed, criticized, judged, humiliated for those longings on a regular basis. As a colleague of mine said recently, “Our innocent exuberance is slammed in mid-pirouette.” Our activation to reach out and engage immediately contracts; we withdraw, shut down, hide. Our yearnings are paired with pain, literally heart ache or heart break. Toxic shame curls the once hopeful – now wounded – children inside up into a ball of pain and hurt, hiding in defensive, isolating caves, protecting themselves as best they can against further rejection and humiliation.
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I have no choice . I must find the way to function. My child depends on it. It midst happen. I must find a way forward.
Gaining Strength:
That whole thing about dreams being squashed is what causes me to hold onto stuff that is ruined. I see it thanks to those words. Because I have not mourned the loss I am bound to it - literally bound to it. Mourning and grieving are not conscious processes. They do not operate on summons. I long to start this process. I long to move through it. I long to be free.
Gaining Strength:
The longing I have to connect is indescribable. Connection as a child was subjugation or obligation. I never experienced the delight in my presence that most children are received with. The longing to connect has seen me repeat the two prongs established so early but they do not exist in isolation, they are coupled with profound resentment. Longing and resentment and expectation of rejection all bound together with the profound underpinning that I fundamentally believe I deserve all punishments and rejection. It is a complex configuration. Holding the child who was so profoundly rejected.
As a child of 4 I learned of adoption while watching television. I remember so clearly how my heart lept thinking that I must have been adopted. It gave me such joy to think there might be another family for me somewhere.
I have lost so much in this life. My longings have been so intense and unrequited, filled with great sorrow. My work now is to stay with that broken child and bring love and healing to her so that she can move forward, leaving the ruins behind.
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