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Still need to work through early trauma
Gaining Strength:
Shame begins to be toxic when the innate yearning to connect and belong, and the inborn need to be seen, to be big, to be masterful, are not met positively. This state becomes engrained when these yearnings are ignored, dismissed, rejected, when we are shamed, criticized, judged, humiliated for those longings on a regular basis. As a colleague of mine said recently, “Our innocent exuberance is slammed in mid-pirouette.” Our activation to reach out and engage immediately contracts; we withdraw, shut down, hide. Our yearnings are paired with pain, literally heart ache or heart break. Toxic shame curls the once hopeful – now wounded – children inside up into a ball of pain and hurt, hiding in defensive, isolating caves, protecting themselves as best they can against further rejection and humiliation.
From www.lindagraham-mft.net, The Power of Mindfulness.
So succinctly she gets at the whole of it.
I feel compelled to close my eyes, feel the humiliation, receive love from loving entities and send it into the broken hearts of those who wounded me from the start and who denied my longings and being until the very end.
Gaining Strength:
The innate longing to connect often impedes the silence necessary for the emergence of the wounded unconscious to receive the healing love. How often it has been presented in the past only to be ridiculed and berated. Still the wounds and wounded must open to receive all that is perfect and gracious.
Gaining Strength:
I am slowly but surely replacing the habituated dark emotional responces and expectations with higher ones. Yesterday I held images of my parents and was drawn further back for several generations. In each subsequent generation I was able to see or feel the blockages and woundings. In this process I saw again that my mother was stuck at 3. Suddenly it struck me that her middle sister was born then and it immediately be me clear why she had become stuck. My grandmother put everything into that middle child who was different and carried a very dark, demanding energy forward. I found on my father's side such darkness and narcissism that I felt compelled to erect an one way wall, allowing only love to flow to them but none of their life stripping demands to pierce through.
Last night I had a dream with some recurring themes including my mother lying and refusing to be forthcoming. This was a constant battle in real life. My frustration was indescribable. But on waking I connected to images of loving people, sought their counsel and healing and over time was able to release that frustration, loss and torment.
Doing a little research last night into energy levels of emotions I came across a piece that described shames as the lowest level at 20. Fear and anxiety was several levels higher but still low. Functioning at such low levels has brought on much of the darkness and made it difficult to rise above. I have tried for years and years to rise above, to let go of pain and resentment and longing. Most spiritual writing says to do so but few explain how to do so. I am so thankful that I have found a means .
For me, the most binding belief hidden deep, deep was that I did not deserve good things but that I deserved the bad, rejection and not to have my desires met or achievements celebrated. Even this pro founding crippling state has been freed. To be able to tune into love and release shame , anxiety and fear is remarkable. Only good can come of it.
It is through this change that the order in my home will come, that the creative activities will be freed fron not deserving and condemnation.
I have sought help for decades but somehow the dark energies were actually solidified rather than healed. I don't really know why. But today I feel strongly on an upward path lifted away from shame . I have some elements of fear to work on. They are deeply engrained but it will be much easier to hold these in consciousness. I expect layers of work here but I not only can do it I am compelled to do it.
Thankful to have this place to work this out.
Gaining Strength:
Doing nothing or being in a state of paralysis avoids the excruciating triggers of shame. Part of that trigger is the expectation of it and that is a lifelong ingrained habit. Now that I am armed with the ability to tap into the feeling of being loved I have to practice it over and over until it replaces the habit of being triggered. I think I can look forward to this because it s easy enough to triumph.
A first step is getting relief from the expectation of shutdown from shame. As I venture out today to take care of legal business I am calling on that new experience of tuning into feeling loved rather than shamed to carry me through.
Gaining Strength:
Long day. Got everything done.
Dr. Jeffry Schwartz says the brain changes with daily work by 45 days. I'm counting on it.
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