Still need to work through early trauma

[Gaining Strength]

Years ago I read that the best way to lose weight was to embrace yourself at your present weight.  I am remembering that today as I see that my shame will not be relieved when my house is in order but that my house will be in order when I relinquish the shame.  How ever the shame came in, it is I who holds it in now.

[Gaining Strength]

Gingerly feeling access to my will.

My child goes on a long trip on Wednesday.  I am getting him ready.  So much comes up as I go through tasks, feeling incompetent to get it all done.  But I am working g on breaking through that pattern.

[Hopalong]

So glad you'll have a break, GS...this may be a breakthrough week for you while son's away.

And your typo made me giggle. No, I beg you, don't fix it!

hugs
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Oh, ha. Well t wasn't a typo but an autocorrect. Not quite the same - lol.  Actually, this is longer than a week and it isn't so much a break.  I will be lost without him.  He has been gone for almost 4 weeks this summer and those individual weeks were breaks.  This will be different.  His going on an Outward Bound program - an opportunity to see himself in a new light, to grasp hold of life and take charge.  Meanwhile, I'll be at home, cleaning and creating order but very lonely. Both of my close friends are on vacation with their families. I will be home with no one to talk to.

[Gaining Strength]

I had a powerful dream last night.

My father and brothers were down River getting  the boat.  I was at the public dock waiting. My job was to watch the boats.  The water was rising.  The four tethered canoes began to be breached by water.  I could pull them in and save them.  I told my father.  He screamed at me.  I did nothing.  When he arrived he railed because. I had let the canoes sink and so was responsible for losing the bigger boat.

I saw, right there in black and white, that nothing I did would save me, that I would be held to blame for all that was bad, that my brothers were allowed, no trained to blame me as well.

During some point in this experience, I was in a store.  It was a beautiful high-end store.  The clothes were not fancy but perfect.  Only one or two of each, displayed  sumptuously even though the were every day clothes and not Sunday best.  The elegant furnishings used for display were for sale as well.  I saw  that I was out of my element. My father shopped here but I could afford not one iota. 

Over the past year.  I saw how I was a servant in my family home.  I unknowingly went out into the world both angry about how I was treated and longing to belong.  I jumbled family and friends.  Confused over how to behave, expecting to be rejected and confusing rejection with love.  I was told it was love.  Such a jumbled mess.  These dreams are sorting them out.

The family and friends I grew up in were wealthy. They lived in wealth, shopped in wealth, recreated in wealth.  I was a part of it while I lived I. My parents home.  After I was married all ties were cut - but no one told me.  My parents friends children enjoyed vacations and furnishings and clothes and jobs and more provided for them by their parents.  I was confused, left out , angry and not understanding why I couldn't make silk out of a sow's ear.  From my perspective, everyone else I grew up with had the same issues but were able to come up smelling roses.  I was a complete failure, unable to keep up, driving with my brakes on and was being left behind  further and further.  But it was my anger and my miso erection that really left me out.  I had no idea.

But now I do.  And now I see how I confused authority with my sabotaging parents.  Suddenly I see how I have been passively resisting.  This has totally worked against me.  I hope that bringing it to my consciousness will begin the process of change.  I really didn't see this element of self-sabotage.

[river]

During some point in this experience, I was in a store.  It was a beautiful high-end store.  The clothes were not fancy but perfect.  Only one or two of each, displayed  sumptuously even though the were every day clothes and not Sunday best.  The elegant furnishings used for display were for sale as well.  I saw  that I was out of my element. My father shopped here but I could afford not one iota. 
 

........ the dreams, both parts come accross vividly.  I also think that vivid dreams mean that healthy processing going on. 

The 'passive resistance', and the self sabotage are also important to, and close to my own experiences.  Theres a wealth of awareness + insight in your sharing. 

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks River.  I see things coming though. I am understanding more. It is a daily balance of facing obstacles and acknowledging that they are internalizations of outside forces that I can relinquish.

[Gaining Strength]

It takes me 4 times as long to do things as it should.  I get so bogged down and twisted in knots.  In a couple of months I have come to see and understand so much that has bound me my entire life.  I expect, no hope, that it will free me like a cork popping out, freeing the long clogged flow.  It's not happening that way.

There are so many layers.  I'm not surprised.  Is it that things won't flow until all are clear? Is it that the negativity has so patterned my brain that it is slow going retraining? Perhaps.  What ever it is, I hav no choice but to persevere. Anxiously awaiting the freedom on the horizon.

[Hopalong]

I was moved by your feelings about loss of class and status, GS.
Much as my HEAD is not bourgeois or Suthrun, I was raised in all
of that and so really was shocked at how identity-unmoored I felt
after my parents' big house sold, and I downsized to a much, much
humbler house.

I love my little house and it's perfect for me. But along with the
space, I realized I had still to shed a lot of symbolism. "Where
do you live?" For years... "Oh that's such a lovely area, we
have friends over there..."

Now, it's more, "Where? I've never been in that neighborhood..."
No snub intended but it's those little layers of class that creep
me out. That I even notice it creeps me out MOST.

Coincidentally, I met a man who's not seen where I live yet,
and who lives on a 70 acre place. Boy is he is for a surprise.

It's like, culturally, I grew up among the wealthy too (though we
were peripheral, just a teacher family...). Particularly because of
an early boyfriends' mega-rich family, I am at ease in that world
and can ape the customs. But not TOTALLY.

That was an interesting awareness, recently. As I became more
economically vulnerable in the last decade
(all the fear with my brother and the estate fight)--I found
myself caring again about "what do people think of me" in
a way I thought I'd rebelled my way out of a loooong time ago.

(Well, I had. It just came back to visit. Dammit.)

It's not very powerful, but it's there. And I am a privileged
human being and would still be if I lived anywhere at all,
because I had travel and kulchah galore and education.

I understand where all that shame came from that surrounded
you. It's so wonderful to listen to you ripping holes in that
dark curtain. Because it's just a dusty curtain on a stage,
and you're cutting your way through.

love
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

It's 5am and I'm at the airport with my precious child on his way to a 3 week Outward Bound  adventure.  I find traveling. Erie wracking.  We didn't finalize packing until last night.  But the worst part for me is the stress of traveling.  I came by the airport last night to figure out how to deal with the tickets.  I had already had a conversation with the entity I bought them through.  I really anted a piece,of paper in my hand.  Every bit of it  is an opportunity for something to go wrong.  THAT is a mindset that I am ready to change.

[Gaining Strength]

That's a powerful share Hops.  It is a special kind of vulnerability. I have this sense that we should all be "classless" and yet our society values money more than ver. And so much is mixed up in it all.  Of course  life would be easier in many ways with money.  Nothing like not having any to  see how you really are treats differently. 

One of the big issues for me is that my parents didn't even care about how I was doing, whether I had a good job, had a good marriage, my house was functional, could provide school or health care for my child etc., etc.,  it simply never occurred to them   It has taken me years to grasp that unlike a normal,parent who,hope s the best for their offspring, mine never cared what so ever.

[Gaining Strength]

I was thinking I would pen that it is a "seesaw" experience but that analogy fails.  It is up and down but I am moving incrementally more up than down.  Up nicely one day but usually down a bit the next.  While up I'm hoping, praying for a BREAKTHROUGH and then flattened the next day when I find myself down.  But it's not a seesaw.  I'm not as far down as I was up.  I have not lost all ground. 

Plotting my journey here has shone a pin light on this slow movement. Now rather than, " on please no, don't let me have lost all progress" I can say, "darn, down a bit. That's ok, journey on the up will come and be greater.

I have been on quite a journey the past 36 hours.  It was to have been 17 hours but do to a storm (figurative and literal) it turned into 31 hours with uncertain outcomes all along the way.  But my triumph was in the shift in how I handled it, how I met the fear, the long standing "expect the worst" mentality.  When the fear set in, the self-doubt, self-recrimination, I returned again and again to looking for the best possible outcome.  Finally this morning, walking into the unknown yet again, I had a lightbulb moment seeing the path ahead of me as an endurance challenge ( which I like) or an obstacle course ( which I feel depends on the whims of others.) The former is a win not based on outcome but on participation.  The latter is outcome based.  It is time for me to participate regardless of outcome.  Time to jump in.

[Gaining Strength]

So not progressing on getting things done around the house.  But I am making progress in other important aspects of life.  I see myself navigating difficulties better than ever in the past. I find myself reconnecting with my sense of being resourceful while able to move beyond disappointment, failure and obstacles in a way with hope instead of anger.

I am making a choice to see hope rather than fear defeat.  That alone is life changing.

[Gaining Strength]

An FB friend I met online who is an EFT practitioner posted this today.  I wanted to share it.  It is brief but touching for people who experienced neglect or rejection from mothers :

http://www.missingmother.com/?p=845&preview=true

[Twoapenny]

Hey, GS.

I'm always in awe when I read your posts.  I only go a couple of days without reading, but when I log on you've always done so much again, physically and emotionally.  It's so tough for you, there's so much that you're doing that scares you or is difficult for you, but you still keep going, even though it hurts.  You're amazing for doing that.  It's that strength that's kept you going all these years, I think.  It's that strength that will get you through all of this.