Still need to work through early trauma

[Gaining Strength]

Today, I am consciously present in the midst of my fathers crushing condemnation. I must be thrown back to a time long ago.  I am aware, in a new way, that this pain is not from today.  Until now I have scanned my being to figure out what about this moment is im mandating the pain and then attached it to any flaw. 

That is part of the mechanism of the paralysis.

It does not come from today.  It is now coming from within which means that I can, with work, harness the power to uproot it.  It was given root when none of the witnesses called my fathers condemning punishments "wrong."  My mother chose to save herself over her only daughter time and again.  I remember only one time she spoke up for any one of us and he did turn his fury towards her.  It was frightening as a child but it was not more than she should have stood up for for her children.

Today I am going to be aware of where this pain comes and do something to uproot it.

There are several small things going on in my life that need addressing but that have reminded me of this place of pain and powerlessness.  But most of all the place where there is no sympathy, no empathy.  It is a wretched existence to be a suffering child with no place at home to seek solace. 

I find myself driving along everyday aware of a quiet longing in my mind for the solace and empathy from "mother". Each time I am hit hard by the upbraiding that my mother never offered me comforting.  That pain is so large.

I make a conscious effort to offer empathy to my child.  I know the need and importance of it.

[Gaining Strength]

Had I known as a child what I know today, I would have known to die my time in my fathers home and then to get a far away as possible, leaving all behind, seeing the fruits as nothing but tempting but poisonous to my soul and my being. 

Time is irrelevant.  I see it now. 

This is what Peter Levine writes in Waking The TigerIs the thing that saves some from trauma, a vision of a way to save themselves.

I have read many examples of it in literature.  Stories about oppressed people are replete with them. The survivors wait patiently for their opportunity.

Railing about the injustice mires one in the muck.  Doing something about it in the midst of indignity is like the donkey climbing up the shit piled on to to get out of the well.

Today I am getting glimmers of memories about feelings rather than actions.. It is those feelings that have mired me.  It is the feelings that I can shift. Vision changes those feelings.  It has been demonstrated in modern neuroscience though it has Been known for years Ito ancient mystics and ancient spirituals traditions.

There is a way out.  It is not pain free.  In attempting to allude pain, more is created in our wake.  I am better able to see it in others but am aware of it in myself.  For now the pain of knowing that I cause others pain is more than I can bear.  But I will have to look at it soon enough.

I long to pull the blanket over my head today and avoid the world but it is only in engaging that I will overcome this extreme pain.  S I am moving forward now.  I Wil see tomorrow row and next week and next month what fruits are born from this.

[Gaining Strength]

I don't know why the pain is so excruciating today.  I looked up an EMDR practitioner and will call on Monday.  I hope this makes a difference.  When I did CranioSacral a couple of years ago there were still some missing pieces to my understanding.  It's feeling more complete  today.  I wonder if that will make a difference.

I'm ready to take responsibility for holding into the pain.  Wonder if that will help.

Really, really ready for it to give me a break.

[Gaining Strength]

I long ago connected with Cinderalla.  She was rescued.  For years I denied that I saw myself as a victim.  The  problem is not being a victim of someone else, it is staying in that role.  Staying a victim is powerless.  I waited to be rescued, waitied for my father, my mother' to release me, to own their part, to discuss third with me - anything, how to live, how to achieve, how to deal with struggles, how to do things right, what is important, what is of value, on and on.  I was never something other than an unwanted guest who was kept shut out of the knowledge of how things work. 

But I have the power to free myself.  I must let go of the powerless position of wanting, waiting for an outside force to change things for me.

I have made some progress in this but there is more to do.

[Hopalong]

I have the power to free myself.  I must let go of the powerless position of wanting, waiting for an outside force[/quote

Wow.
Just, wow.

Thank you!

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Afternoon much better.  If I get up and get going the day is best.  That is very telling. 

We joined the Y today and have used a guest pass this week.  Getting exercise is important and I have not exercised on a very long time.  This will be very helpful.  More work done today. A piece of furniture moved upstairs. A broken car removed. Exercise done. Now I need to clean the kitchen and prepare some  broth and chili.  I also got the car cleaned out and vacuumed. 

I think of myself as not worrying but that is not so.  I realize that I spend hours fretting over work that takes only an hour or two. I think I can do something with this understanding how I fret and how worthless it is, that doing the work is less stressful than fretting. 

There are some other things about the work that comes from childhood: not having enough resources, needing help and having to do it alone. I would be given assignments that were beyond my ability and would face such anger when I couldn't do it well. But I thnk even had I completed tasks perfectly that I would have  been the object of his wrath and  her disgust and shunning.

So today, I spent some time facing some tasks as though he was right there railing.  I imagined someone there supporting and encouraging me in spite of the vitriol coming from my internalized father and then in the midst of these memories, I sent  universal love his way.  That exercise kept me from being caught up in opposing his cruelty.  I don't want to be Held in tension with it.

[Gaining Strength]

Today it is church and then start to reclaim yard.

[Gaining Strength]

Today I had my washing machine hooked up finally.  The only major functioning item not working is the TV and I am on the fence about having cable.  It just seems like such a gouge. 

I worked for a couple of hours on  one of the upstairs rooms.  We are really making progress. I'm beginning to see a difference.  Steady, steady. 

We exercised again today.  I think it makes a difference.  The emotional pain is noticeably less afterward.

[sKePTiKal]

GS:

I can't relate much to father issues. Mine just wasn't there enough; and I knew I wasn't getting rescued. To me, fathers are super-heroes that only exist in comic books and movies; a myth I've not experienced in person.

But the mothering -
we are human; we ALL want to be taken care of. To feel "safe" and "protected" and loved for who we are. It's a heart-instinct, you know?

I don't know if your experience was like mine: but I developed stainless steel, titanium-alloy, carbon-fiber armadillo scales that would explode if you tried to touch them (they were that heat-sensitive) on my "outside". So that NO ONE wanted to take the chance to take care of me. Know what I mean? I would literally, instinctively, "warn" people off trying to even talk to me.

I simply wouldn't allow it -- it was a THREAT, because I expected more from people in other types of relationships than they were offering (because I was sooooo needy for that mothering and sooooo empty) and so: to avoid facing that void; the abyss -- I simply avoided those kinds of relationships all together.

It's a paradox; the one thing one needs the most, becomes the biggest threat to one's security.

Sometimes, ya just gotta "boldly go where no man has gone before"... 

[Gaining Strength]

Skeptical - I have seen that response in several people even children.  It always saddens me to the core.  I have no idea if I did that or not but I do know that I pushed people away as I got older with resentment and bitterness.  While I was aware of my actions I saw them as logical reactions and was unable to understand why that pushed people away. 

.of course now I get it.  And now is what I have to do something differently.

[Gaining Strength]

I continue to move forward, focusing on developing visualization a of being loved and accepted and  included with support and understanding. 

Those images came to me last night throughout the night, entering my dreams off and on.  It was a night of difficult sleep as I had eaten something that made me sick.  But the good of it was the opportunity to see these dream scenes which were comforting.  Eah one transforming from powerlessness to the ability to  transform.

Now to bring it to life.

[Hopalong]

Oh goody, maybe I can be useful on something here...

When I investigated (me, that = hours of research) "cutting the (cable) cord"--
I found the best, most uber-recommended by geeks of all sorts plus frugality types and folks who
analyse household budgets and TV watching, etc., I found out:

If you are motivated to remove the cable company's paw from your wallet, and you
can visualize being okay seeing network programs one day after broadcast, then consider:

1) DON'T order cable.
2) Purchase a ROKU box from a big-box store or online. (About $50).
https://www.roku.com/meet-roku
I have the simplest. It is amazing.
3) Purchase a "Leaf" antenna. (About $40.)
http://www.gomohu.com/shop/the-leaf-indoor-hdtv-antenna.html?gclid=CJa-qpzc48ACFahj7AodH2cAVQ
It is really, really amazing.
4) Purchase a monthly subscription to Netflix (streaming-only is about $8).
5) Purchase a monthly subscription to HuluPlus (about $8).

What makes me ecstatically beat-da-man happy about all that is that for two years now,
after initial purchases of about $90, now my entire monthly entertainment bill is $16.
I feel empowered, not in the slightest deprived, reality-based, frugal, and competent.

Lotsa emotional payoff for a simple "No". As in: No, self, you do not "need" cable.

Hope that's useful and if not to you, GS, maybe someone here who's been pondering
cutting the cord.

xo
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Moving forward, finding the positive angle, connecting with the feeling of love.

 I grew up in a dark place, struggling to find acceptance.  My dreams are often filled with reminences of that struggle.  Yesterday, I caught myself, rewriting a thought from a negative angle to a positive one and with it I felt a slight shift. I am becoming patient with my work, looking for what is good and changing .  My mind goes to the struggle but I am shifting that mind set to  the positive.  And with it I am able to connect to a more positive energy.

It can only get better from here.

This shift will move things along quite a bit.

The key to the change is within me. It is within the perspective and focus I take and hold.  I long for healing and a better life for me and for my son.  This is what it will take to get there..  I can se a difference.  It will come.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, TT!
I can squeeze a penny 'til it screams.

Any time you wanna know how to make your own laundry detergent in 10 minutes that costs you 1/4 per load...just holler!

 

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Hops, I'm going to give it a try.  I did go the Netflix and Hulu Plus way.  Ready to try Roku, was unaware of Leaf, thanks so much.
  I find none of the movies I would like on those two services and truthfully I am not finding anything on Hulu Plus. What do you watch from Hulu Plus?