Still need to work through early trauma

[Ales2]

Called NM yesterday, which I rarely do and I am fairly certain that the eye laser surgery is FAKE. I asked how it went and she stumbled to say it went OK.... then I asked who drove her there and back and she stumbled again. Can't say "brother" because she knows I might check. So, she drove herself. Highly unlikely. Asked about the post procedure and she could not give any details. I forgot to ask about the Doctor and the facility - those are usually the little details that I can check that she will claim she forgot because of her "short memory".  BS. All of it.

But stayed on the phone talking about the dumb cats, the stock market and capital gains tax. She's a LOON.

  

[Gaining Strength]

Oh Ales.  I know that passive-aggressive, lying, manipulation stuff.  It is so painful.  I am sorry to read that you are NC or LC with your family. Not that it isn't smart and courageous of you but just that I so wish we had all come from loving, caring, nurturing families.  We all needed that and we deserved it.  I am glad we have each other here.  Others simply don't or won't make the effort to hear and/or believe.

I'm also glad that you are able to see what she is up to and not be sucked in.  But it is always painful deep down, especially during the holidays when we can't help but be reminded that we are alone in an unfortunate way.

[Gaining Strength]

I discovered this today and really find it speaks to me.  My therapists has spoken to me for years of Seligman's "learned helplessness."  This person correlates it with the freeze response.

http://www.centerforhealingandimagery.com/articles/the-freeze-response/

[Ales2]

Thanks for this article GS. It explains what I went through as a child that I did not understand. I was actively discouraged and punished for being assertive, which is where the passivity comes from. I have had trouble with it until now. I have since swung to the other side of the pendulum now and have become very vocal, sometimes rude and hostile and I offer no apologies for anyone who tries to silence me in a non-verbal way.

Thanks for your post.

[Ales2]

Learned helplessness is also the disempowered self where we function far below our actual capacity as a result of oppression or verbal/emotional abuse.

And, thanks GS for your comments about LC and NC. Today I was thinking, NO BIG DEAL, its for the best and it is their loss, not mine.

[Gaining Strength]

Ales - NC & LC  were for the best for me too but I am still saddened that we were born into families for which this would be true. 

I continue to learn more about myself and my predicament.  These recent weeks I continue to see how my body physically reacts to the "freeze", " learned helplessness."  There is a shot of adrenaline, like it is stuck on open.  It is exhausting.  I am  moving from the understanding phase, the knowledge phase into the conscious phase of how the condemnation, long ago internalized fear, expectation of being rejected or failing trip a physical response, activation of the dread adrenaline surge.  This is where the shut down comes from - a way to avoid the harsh criticism and shame response.

So the next move is to ward off or circumvent or avoid this long entrenched response.  That is where the healing will take place. That is where I can move into action and out of "freeze" shut down.  It is scary. I don't know how to make the leap but I am so thankful to see how I got here after all of these years of searching.

[Ales2]

GS - funny your post should mention these things. This is what I wrote in my journal this morning:

Sadness:
Be grateful for the opportunity to be independent (very few people can live without family, that makes us strong, not weak)
Its a GIFT.
Its for the BEST.

Disempowered Self:

Its an N Lie
Its a projection of their insecurities, not true statements about us
Its a GIFT
Rewire by laughing it off
Meditate on situations where the voicelessness (or freeze) occurs and visualize responding to it in words. I then write the verbal answers in my planner&journal to keep reinforcing it.

Some people will tell is being autonomous or NC is weakness or a defense, it is not, Autonomy is me managing my own life privately.  Another way to look at NC is this:

The Heatlhy Ones
Take responsibility for their life
Take a stand for against perpetuating dysfunction
Promote peace through detachment
Have healthy independence

 I am single and do spend the holiday by myself, probably working on scrapbooks and then going for Tgiving meal at a restaurant - went last year and it was great.  Maybe take a long walk in my neighborhood and see the ocean (if its not windy). Other than that, happy to be by myself. In my town there are lots of single gatherings I could attend, but that makes the loneliness worse, because I go just to say I had "plans" but not because I actually enjoy it or the people.

Anwyay, a happy holiday to everyone here on the board!

[Gaining Strength]

Oh thanks for sharing.  That us a top
 Notched perspective.

[Gaining Strength]

Periodically I find myself writing, writing, writing.. As if writing will bring the dark out into the conscious.  Today is one of those days.

It continues to be mysterious to me that knowing and understanding what plagues me does not immediately release me.   It I take comfort in understanding. As it took me decades to get here.  But I need to move forward into healing. The eye move,ent is helping but ironically, as I do it, more memories come up, bringing up more of the trigger pain which needs more eye movement. 

I am also learning how my body has reacted for decades, bracing for wallop that is coming.  The bracing has been  mostly unconscious but now that I am getting relief I am becoming more and more aware of the bracing. MIT is a physical muscular tension that I feel predominantly in my shoulders,and neck.  The very place I have held my tension for my entire life.. 

I'm thinking to just keep processing.  To try to move forward with out retreating.  That is the  biggest thing possible for me.  It is scary.  But it shouldn't be.  We will see. 

[Hopalong]

For you, GS...Happy Thanksgiving!

(And the same to everyone.)

https://www.utexas.edu/features/2005/writing/

love
Hops

[Ales2]

One more word on TGiving.

Called my NMom yesterday and she is wistful, a little sad that no one spends thanksgiving with her at her home anymore. Last "family" thanksgiving was 2007, and it was me, my NM, Brother, his wife, and her parents (6 adults total). My brothers two sons from previous marriage were with their mother.    Anyway, point is, my sister in law had a baby that year and their family dynamic changed, all their holidays, her parents (yes, she is an only child and they live 10 minutes away) come to them. Mom has not figured out the family dynamic has changes and so should she. NMom is devoid of family values has no interest in assimilating to the new family or respecting them. They invite her, but she doesnt come over, stays at home alone. They have good boundaries and dont put up with her games and non-sense. They invite but do not beg or cajole.  My brother excludes me from family holidays, they have been in a house for four years and I have never been invited there for any event or holiday, yet somehow, NM doesnt notice, nor does she care that she triangulated us and we dont get along. Last year my brother insisted that we stop exchanging xmas gifts. I was hurt, giving that one christmas gift was the last tie I had to him and it is gone, but I will get over it.  There is probably hurt on both sides, but I think hes treated me much worse than I ever treated him, but then, everyone says that. Its both, but I dont directly know what I did to hurt him. He's made obvious attempts to exclude me (all holidays, graduations, his wedding), Ive never done that to him. ANd, then he calls to explain to me why I should not be hurt about not exchanging gifts, that was the real slap in the face. If I write a letter or confront in any way, I will be seen as - "see, this is why you are single".  He went to this seminar called Landmark Forum and came out as a personal responsibility a-hole - they speak their "truth" without any concern for the other person so they can be "complete" with them....total garbage, does more harm than good.

Another quick note - not a reason but an aside to this. Mom lives in a house that currently has no oven, no running water in kitchen, no kitchen floor, just cement, no heat in house. Kitchen was being remodeled when Dad passed away in June 2000 and she called and fired the workmen because she did not know how to manage/handle them. There is enough to fix the house, there always was, even though she makes false claims about her finances and projects a poverty attitude (she doesnt want outside people or us kids to take advantage of her) but she refuses to manage repairs, keep the place maintained, spend money or trust the people to do repairs. This is directly an issue with her Nism, fear and distrust of others, not money itself. House is not a nice place anymore, its depressing, in disrepair and becoming cluttered.  I used to think she was the neat one, Dad was the mess, but she's proven that is not correct and she merely organized and cleaned to his standards.  Yes, I have seen the hoarder shows and grief over death of spouse is a trigger for hoarding, she is nowhere near that but I do recognize she has the personality traits, fear, indecision, lack of priorities, things that are broken/not used are kept, hangs on to things for sentimental value etc. She has alot of those.

Anyway, so glad to be out of that dysfunctional rats nest, not wanting to go back at all. Now, I can work on my life in peace.

Happy (belated) thanksgiving to all.

[Gaining Strength]

Hops, hope you had a nice Thanksgiving. We did. Now I'm working to keep the blues at bay.

[Gaining Strength]

Ales - your post hits hard. I could have written it.  Since my mother's death my child and I have been totally estranged from my brothers.  It is best but it is a huge loss.

I have adopted the philosophy that  my reaction to the hurts and rejections has had an effect on my brain but the brain being changeable can be corrected. I was taking some nice supplements that has been helping me but in the business didn't take them yesterday and boy can I tell.

Not a good day but my little device is due today.

[Gaining Strength]

Writing here helps me see that I am making progress.  Most days it is as though I am swimming in a perpetual lap pool - putting out effort but getting nowhere. But what I believe is that I am progressing and as I do, as I process so much crap more comes along to be processed. So the level never changes.

But I am aware of a profoundly improved attitude in all regards. That is worth so much. The resentment and bitterness have all but disappeared. Now I am knee deep in fear and expectation of rejection, failure, not deserving & not being good enough.

I am painfully aware that these have always been there but they were repressed under all the other.

I am remembering and celebrating the process of healing every day even while I continue to recognize how the dark stuff manifests in my life. When I become aware I am able to replace it.

[Gaining Strength]

Tt - that is fascinating. Both parts: being obedient to what you know is right and that the understanding is not what you would have Predicted.

I do hope you will elaborate on "being obedient to what you know is right." I love the sound of it. And I am so Particularly drawn to the concept of knowing what is right.