Still need to work through early trauma

[Gaining Strength]

Argh. This mother stuff and self hatred is some tough stuff. I totally understand why I have resorted to avoidance/paralysis. It has been one tough road to hoe. I have an appointment in late Jan. To see a psychiatrist. I think a couple of months on an antiabxuety would allow me enough time with a solid floor below me to build up my strength. Right now I don't know from day to day and hour to hour if I will be functioning vthat is a tough way to exist.

But between now and late January I need to get somethings done. So I am focussing on healing and committing to exercise, eating nutritiously, sleeping and taking my supplements regularly. As simple as that sounds it is difficult for me. 

This EMDR gives me something to fall back on in times of greatest anxiety so that is a plus.

[Ales2]

I need to end this job search with victory so I can better assert boundaries and go NC. Ive been suffering needlessly for far too long..

I was saying today that I forgive all the negativity of the people Ive had to deal with, Im grateful for the awareness, experience and lessons, and I look forward to ending the manipulation and conflict and finally having some autonomy and peace.

I wish the same for everyone here at the board....

[Gaining Strength]

I've been binge watching old episodes of The Amazing Race. I am so drawn by the variety of ways people deal with the stress of the competition and difficult tasks and situations.  In one season the boyfriend is calm and even keeled and the woman is high strung.  At one point she yells at him to become more anxious.  It reminded me of childhood memories of my father demanding such a reaction.

I'm also remembering how I wasn't allowed to be happy when he was angry or irritated.

[Gaining Strength]

Ales - what a great approach.  I think it helps profoundly.

[Ales2]

Sadly, I came across a chart I made in 2006 about dating - a three step chart of things I was learning and I discover a couple of paragraphs about my Mom and how hurtful she was to me even during this time. This was pre-2008 and my discovery of her narcissism, but the issues are all still the same.

The good side is - I know her Nism/abuse true and has been for a very long time. During that time, I was always nice to her and we "got along" but I did lash out at her earlier that year over some dating game stuff that was evident to me it came from my abusive upbringing, i.e guys playing mental/crazymaking games and then turning it on me to feel bad.

The bad side is that I have been dealing with this for my entire life without resolution, so when a therapist tells you that you are "not yet ready to move on" that is complete and utter BS. I was more than ready to move on when I saw my T from 2008 to 2010, but instead of being supportive and offering solutions (nothing in his book talks anything about resuming financial independence and NC, the two solutions I need, I think its a foreign concept to him) he took advantage of my disempowered state both financially and emotionally. 

Anyway, I have less than 3 pages in my journal left, and one of those pages is just an acknowledgement that maybe trying to solve these problems IS the problem, maybe its time to stop the pursuit of "solving things" and just get on living my life as best I can.

I am going to be off the board until the New Year, so all the best to everyone and to Dr. G as well. Im grateful to you all for the lessons and friends I have here. 

[Gaining Strength]

Focusing on the stuff that is presenting itself to me - anger, hurt & self hatred.  The earliest pain of rejection is very powerful.  Time will ell if allowing this to emerge and acknowledging it whole using EMDR will bring relief.  Time will tell.

[Ales2]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ytq51GMsd8w


Great video from Ross Rosenberg with instructions on setting boundaries and other things. Some of us here are not co-dependents, but information still practical and relevant for all.

[Gaining Strength]

I had an extraordinary dream last night.  It wasn't the scene or the action but the feeling.  I was in my therapist's office and  my loving mother figure was there.  I felt loved and healed.  I didn't want to move - not in the dream and not in my sleep and not now as though to move would break the spell.  But in that feeling I could get all the back log done and it was great. 

[Gaining Strength]

http://psychotherapist-nyc.blogspot.com/2009/07/shame-disengaged-families.html?m=1

I have never heard this phrase "disengaged family". But this helps enormously, explaining why I fell into such profound shame. It feels as though this author has embraced me and held me in her arms the way most mothers do. It also affirms to me (indirectly) why I was so angered when she would sit oblivious to why I was hurt, frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed, lonely, etc. Now I understand it triggered the earliest infantile wounding and shaming.

[Gaining Strength]

 Found another brief page about shame being difficult to treat with EMDR on a page by a guy who trains therapists to deal with shame.

The pieces are fitting together. 

I hate using the EMDR for shame feelings because it stirs them up and intensifies them before they ease but I know it is a way out so I commit to doing it.

I
Also think I will try to use it proactively with issues that I know are shamed - those which I shut down on. My memories are increasing about how shutting down and avoidance often saved me from my fathers wrath at least temporarily. These memories help me understand how the pattern got started. Now I must muster the courage to face it and endure through the desensitization process. Yuck.

[Gaining Strength]

Just read this - ” the judgmental self us critical and rejecting of us and of others in many ways . But most especially, the judgmental part of us is rejecting of our wounded self.the judgemental part of us may see the wounded child as too needy, too vulnerable, too much of a burden, too big of a problem, not deserving of  our time, an  embarrassment, and even a threat."

Wow.  I sure could have written that myself.  Very touching.

It goes on. Each sentence more poignant, more probing than the one before. It all touches the ache within me, causing me the Cty out in painful recognition.

The key to understanding this part of ourselves is that this part has been trying desperately to protect us from harm that we secretly fear we deserved. 

Www.nacr.org/Wordpress/37/recovery-from-childhood-trauma

[Gaining Strength]

 Found another brief page about shame being difficult to treat with EMDR on a page by a guy who trains therapists to deal with shame.

The pieces are fitting together. 

I hate using the EMDR for shame feelings because it stirs them up and intensifies them before they ease but I know it is a way out so I commit to doing it.

I
Also think I will try to use it proactively with issues that I know are shamed - those which I shut down on. My memories are increasing about how shutting down and avoidance often saved me from my fathers wrath at least temporarily. These memories help me understand how the pattern got started. Now I must muster the courage to face it and endure through the desensitization process. Yuck.

The deeper I get into this the more complicated I see the emotions are, so contradictory and twisted around one another.

Getting in touch with very immature response. Refusal to act as an only way to exert power. Attached to intense anger. And sense of impotence. And being a victim waiting for rescue which I HATE.

[Gaining Strength]

Today I am pushing out of avoidance into the stuff and using desensitization. It turns my stomach inside out - nausea.

I keep finding more and mire sites that describe my pain and struggle. They really help. Affirm and comfort.

[Gaining Strength]

I just found Pete Walker who totally gets the traumatizing of childhood emotional neglect. He has 11 techniques to use. I feel strongly that as I continue to ask I am receiving each next step.

http://www.pete-walker.com/flashbackManagement.htm

Life saving and hope giving.

I'll be concentrating on comforting that terrified child who would have done anything for acceptance even though she/I expected rejection. This just opens up memory and flashbacks of how my neediness led to so much rejection throughout my life. So painful to see but hopeful in that I no longer have to participate in it. Angry at all the pain but hopefully for relief.

[Gaining Strength]

I feel like I'm going home. I will work this until I'm free. They cannot hurt me in my own home. Though I like to hide it causes me great loss. I must push forward. I must.