Still need to work through early trauma

[Gaining Strength]

I am deep in the pain today. This is where I have to be to move forward. It is agonizing but I welcome this. I have worked many  years trying to get to this place where I can access that original wounding, no longer repressing but  extricating those internalize voices. I expect that I will be posting a lot giving voice to my pain and this process of healing. Giving voice ma
Makes the healing real.

[Gaining Strength]

SO first thing is to face the kitchen, experiencing the pain, giving voice to the voices, sympathizing with the me who was so severely criticized and abandoned. It really hurts.

[Gaining Strength]

In my experience resisting unavoidable encounters with depression and fear accounts for more than the lion's share of the PTSD client's pain.

From http://www.pete-walker.com/managingAbandonDepression.htm

When you are ready the teacher will appear.


Very comforting.. I have moved into not resisting.  I can tell by a number of things that I have fallen into a depression and yet I don't feel sad and not really down per se but I am completely immobilized..I hate it but I know it is temporary..and I expect I am on the verge of real, life changing healing.  It has been slow but ever steady since the beginning of the summer..  I can bear the slowness because the progress becomes steadily clearer.

[Hopalong]

Your steadiness and positivity are awe inspiring, GS...
may the extra weight lift soon.

Headway...you are still steering true.

Atta YOU,
Hops

[Gaining Strength]

My depression may have broken this evening, much like a fever breaks. I'll know tomorrow. Suddenly I felt better. Then the heavy blanket and darkness lifted and I felt like getting things done. My fingers are crossed.

[Izzy_*now*]

Good on you, GS, if so.

You deserve it after all this hard work.

Kudos
Izzy

[moonlight60]

Dear GS,       

 So Happy for your progress....


 Moonlight

[Gaining Strength]

I'm in touch with a very juvenile part of myself. A self sabotaging child angry thAt my mother and my father didn't help me and punished me for failing when I needed help. So somewhere I began failing in massive obvious ways longing for someone to help, needing help, nurture. But I am no longer a child. I am able to provide for myself now.

Praying that now at the crux I am able to overcome, heal and get to the other side.

[Gaining Strength]

Paring down to core issues.

Obligation and resentment

This article from Psychology Today identifies resentment of obligation as a normal reaction to relationship with an N or BPD.  Now to cut through it.

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201302/fear-obligation-and-guilt-fog-in-relationships

My experience is that when I identify an issue that needs resolution that the way to healing comes. I'm counting on it. This has held me back my entire life. My resentment has triggered a childlike, powerless tantrum and refusal to step up to the plate.  I'm ready to mature and take my responsibility.  The time is here.

[Gaining Strength]

These past two months may have been the most difficult of my life.  Yesterday as I was about to give  hope of isolating the "thing" and hope of healing it all coalesced.

For most of my life I was totally unaware that I was actually hated by each member of my FOO.  I was even oblivious to their permanent state of contempt. My mother held me with contempt but only when  I needed something (like compassion) or wasn't serving her. The others always despised me but said, "I love you." What a terribly confusing way to go through life. I can tell you rejection and love are totally jumbled for me. 

This paralysis is the product of self hatred that grew out of being hated by FOO and it's confusion with love.  For many years I have been aware of my fathers confusion of love and obligation but until now I was not aware that I had love and contempt totally twisted together.  Unfortunately I now know that the hatred I experienced was internalized as self hatred and a profound sense of only deserving the worst in life, little good and mostly punishment.  Consequently, I have been paralyzed, unable to do the things required of me waiting for the unavoidable shame, rejection and punishment. 

That is a concise description of the hell and prison I have been living in.  Now I pray that three is nothing more horrific to excavate and that these tools I have been acquiring can loose me from this torment and torture. If you are a praying person, please pray for me.

http://discussingdissociation.com/2009/07/16/being-hated-feeling-hated-overcoming-self-hatred/

[Ales2]

HI GS - I hope you are doing OK. Your post made me feel very sad - I felt much the same as you did about people who claim to love when what they really do is undermine and hate. I read the article and saw the site it came from and my initial reaction is that what a contrast it is to sites on Nism.

Also, alot of what you were talking about sounds like energy healing - not yet something I believe- but I have seen interesting videos on Youtube about "cutting cords of negativity" as a meditation, affirmation and hypnosis. I can't recommend anything, but thinks its an interesting concept to explore.

Anyway, I am thinking about you and wishing you the best in your recovery and healing. The last two months have been tough for many, so hang in there, think of its like the dark of winter and spring is coming (literally and figuratively).

All the best to you, Alesa

[Gaining Strength]

Thanks so much Alesa.  The article was interesting.  When I read something that confirms my experience it gives me a boost.  This struggle is so alienating but reading something like that helps me feel understood and for some reason that is more valuable than having a handful of friends care.  This "disease" is so bizarre and few people understand at all.  It puts the ground back under my feet to  understand why I have struggled so.

[Gaining Strength]

I am back on a learning curve.  I am beginning to see that my coping technique has been to avoid - avoid rejection, condemnation etc.  but everything I did and do is tied to feeling rejected and "not good enough" and not deserving. 

Getting to this pain which I have repressed lifelong in really horrible.  I see why I have gotten where I am.  It will be the most difficult thing in my life to face this and get beyond.  But I believe I can do it.

Avoidance is a kind of a double bind.  I. Not sure how I will do it but I do know that for every level that I have faced the way out has appeared as well.  The only thing I fear is staying where I am. 

I have to laugh at myself because as soon as I post this I will by habit be pulled into avoidant tactics.  I can feel it pulling on me even as I type.  This will be the most difficult shift of my life.  But I know I must do it and I know I can.

[Gaining Strength]

This is it. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/overcoming-self-sabotage/201005/avoidance-anxiety-self-sabotage-how-running-away-can-bite-you-i

First step ironically is to do nothing rather than avoid.  Sounds crazy.  But if I do nothing rather than something to avoid until I have the power to address the task at hand it will bring me one step closer.  I have thought for years that I was paralyzed but now I see that I have been avoiding.  So now, rather than picking any activity rather than cleaning, housework or paperwork I am going to NOT do my primary avoidant behaviors - TV, internet, sleeping.  Rather I will set aside specific times to be present and mindful to the task.  I'll start out small but frequent, not expecting action but facing avoidance, in other words, even if not doing the task, keep it present in mind rather than doing ANYTHING else.

We'll see.

[Gaining Strength]

This is stunningly difficult.