carry on up the Khyber

[sea storm]

Yes, It is moving day or the start of it.  i got out of bed although I wanted to stay there. Isabella and cardinal example of a together funny beautiful teen who helps in the Japanese antiques business arrived and we worked all day and went to see the new old house together. It is pretty cute and vintage 1948 with not much updating. This suits me fine. I find updating mostly boring and depressing and cookie cutter. All 400 items in store packed up.
There were four dogs in the house I am moving into so getting ancients carpets cleaned. Arranged for movers, packers, dumping furniture left behind by old owner ie couch and chair etc. His wife died and he went to Equador so one has to cut him some slack.  It is cool downstairs which is nice. Also large patio completely covered with grapearbour.

Most people seem to feel worse than I do about leaving the river. The river is changing and getting more boaters. Scenery isn't everything and i am sick of the upkeep and pretty much unable to maintain this. I think I will like being a porch monkey.
I don't have enough energy for all this but somehow it is coming together.  People don't show up and then someone else is available. i was kind of over the edge this morning and so was Isabella. She is getting married and is sooooo getting married and having a big wedding and planning and all. So it was a bit of the collision of the Titans. We went out for a salad and sat in the park and now all is well.

So far so good. The painter seems to be having a nervous breakdown. The good part is that I am not taking this personally.

So oh wise and dear ones. I am signing off and having a cup of tea while the young workers continue on into the evening. The other place needs shelves and cleaning. Cripes. This has been a bigger project than building a house.  i am sick of big projects. It is ok not to justify one;s existence.

I hope you all have great big red geraniums in your windows. I hope you have a window. I hope you are happy enough to give a poop about a geranium.

Laughing a bit manically,

Sea

[sea storm]

I have been feeling scared and overwhelmed. I can't hire professionals to help me move as I can't afford it. Yesterday, I worked with a guy with Asperger's who smoked pot. He was ok before smoking the pot but we nearly got into a car accident after that. HE was sposed to paint the living room which was dark green so i got the paint and left him to it.  Two hours later I went to the house to see how it went and he left the doors open and a big hot light on and he had gone. No painting. I called him later and he said he went home to spend a few hours with his dog. To de- stress I guess.
I have a large yard here and I cleaned that up. I emptied the garage. i emptied the basement and the carport and it was a mountain of stuff. All my fault too.
I am buried under this mountain of stuff. There is a 22 ft long dumpster in the yard. it is 8 feet high and filled with stuff. I am old and decrepid for this kind of work and feel worn out. I have hired people who I can find who can work for less and it is a bit crazy.  For some reason they end up being very bossy and controlling. Other people just do the job well and it is not problematic.

As I write this I am thinking I should just give up and take everything with me. It will be a job to stuff it all in but I am kind of afraid I will not make it though this without getting extremely irritable, lost and depressed. I already feel that way.  I am alone in this and from time to time ask for help but don't want to anymore. No one can help with all this for nothing. Maybe a good friend but they all have a lot to do themselves.

I really need encouragement. i think I will sleep. It seems I have pathetically little energy. This is such a dirge. I am ashamed of myself for being so full of self pity.

S.

[Hopalong]

you will make it, Sea!

Breaaaaaaaaaaaaathe...........sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Once this is over you won't care one BIT whether the hired folks were snippy or bossy.
I promise.

But when it's over I can promise, too, that you'll be SO SORRY if you haul it all with you.

Give yourself a chance. You are exhausted.
And that makes it very very hard to deal with strangers and changes and purges.

But this is an enormous gift to yourself, to move without all that baggage.

Keep on keeping on but STOP every hour for a break. Walk and stretch and
look at the sky. The sky is going to be there when you move.
It's here now and will be there DURING.

STOP every hour and check in with the sky.

REST.

EAT.

DRINK WATER.

Don't expect yourself to be charming or sanguine but just know...
everything you dump, you don't have to deal with later.

When you are at your endpoint of what you can tolerate in all this,
then you are there. And you can stop whenever you want to,
and also take whatever you want to.

You have the choice, and you are going to be okay.

It's a hell of a marathon...and it's hardest when you can see the finish line.

Don't be afraid to make a choice, whatever it is...that supports you.

(I reached a point in a Walmart parking lot where I just about snapped,
realizing I could not tolerate making one single more decision. I was
moved in, but fixating on a curtain rod. I just quit. In that moment,
I decided--this is all I can do for now. So for a year, I avoided the
next steps. And it was fine...so instead of just thinking I know what
I'm talking about (about the stuff)--you trust your own inner voice.)

But I do know what I'm talking about when I say,
you're going to be okay.

love
Hops

[sea storm]

Oh it is so comforting to read your kind words. Breathing.

Praying

Watching a deer slowly dance across the yard.

Listen to the wild doves.

Sleep

Get guy with Aspergers to do simple things that aren't too much for him.  He is very kind.

It is so good to share my life with a friend. Thank you, Hops.

Sea

[sea storm]

I can't even describe how awful this moving day or one of two moving days has gone.

The moving truck had been hired for Monday at eight thirty am. I started calling the girl whose fiance was supposed to move me with his friend. So hired truck and three strong young people.  Sunday at eight she finally returned my call and said that the two guys couldn't make it. I just about fell through the floor.  I have to vacate this house on Wednesday. Her attitude was the worst part. She said in an offhand way. Oh they took another job. Whaaaaaat???????  When I said quite calmly that this is really awful she said she had a headache and had to go.  She and her friends had been at a jamboree for three days and she was really thrilled with it. Jehovah witnesses.
An hour later she called and said that the guys could come at six thirty at night and bring a trailer and we could move all the stuff in several trips and save money.  Again, this is idiotic.  THere is a full household and garage full of stuff to move. This would take about fifteen trips. Plus my antiques from my shop.
I still had hired a large truck. All the while she was acting like I was problematic and annoying.  I was really trying not to get furious. I was furious inside.
I was frigging left stranded and the other people are moving in.  It is a wonder I didn't have a heart attack.

I called everyone I could think of to see if they knew someone who could do it. Everyone said they would get back to me. Some did and some never did. I felt like an idiot. Finally a friend said to call my realtor and he recommended a guy. All this required waiting hours.
I had to find another person to help with the house and getting stuff reading for the movers and cleaning.

Finally Monday and I had two Phillipino men who were so efficient and did a mountain of work and another lady and a friend and we all worked hard for eight hours.Meanwhile the tenant had left her cats in the hallway downstairs and they had not been using their kitty litter so I knocked on her door and asked politely if she could clean up the puddles of uring  etc. She came out in a rage and said she couldn't do it right now. So I cleaned that up. Then she came out and wanted me to move stuff she was throwing out to the dumpster I hired. I just thougtht that this some kind of crazy moon bad moon mumbo jumbo going on.  I told her I would not fight with her. She kept trying.  One Philipino man gave me the eye and he had seen plenty in his life and he just let me know not to take the bait. Nice of him.

A mover was miraculously found. This is pretty unheard of. Who calls a mover the day before moving.  Oh yes, The christian people came while I was out getting boxes and going to the doctor. They had shown up without telling me they were coming. They assumed the moving truck was still coming. They left when they didn't see the moving truck. I had cancelled the moving truck but still had to pay fifty dollars which is chicken feed in all this fiasco. They were ANNoyed the truck wasn't there. Of course I cancelled the truck when I didn't have the guys to help with the move. I called to ask if Isabella was coming to help which I doubted but she had sent an email saying she was coming.  When she didn't show by eleven thirty I called her and her dad answered and told me that the place was a mess and dirty.  Good grief are you kidding me I thougth. By now I just thought they were all nuts. They didn't see the truck and the house was dirty.  The house wasn't dirty. He was downloading some weird shame thing on me as an excuse for the inexcusable behaviour.  I thought when they were going to help that it was a godsend. Watch out for godsends.

I just keep working as hard as I can. The Philipino guys show up in coveralls with dollies and a good attitude and great work ethic. Hanele shows up and organizes and does an amazing job. So while many people stranded and abandoned me in this, others came through. It is my own fault somehow.  Luckily, I had the money to handle all this so far.

I feel like i am going to freak out but I can't right now. Bless the people who helped yesterday. It was all too much. One philipino man was very strange and he is the one coming back today as the other nice guy couldn't come. He wanted time and a half and lunch hour and wanted to know if this was going to be steady work. He didn't have a clue for some reason. Who knows????

I woke up a three am. Am writing this to calm down. Lucky I slept. This is a nightmare. It keeps rolling around and has its own destiny and I have to keep leaping for solutions and beavering madly to keep up with all the changes. So far I have pulled several rabbits out of the hat. This reminds me of when I went up North in the boat. The bad part. Breakdowns and a crazy deckhand. Just me and him in the middle of nowhere. This reminds me of every other time I felt out of control .

Oh yes and getting shamed for having a dirty? house.  What the f... ?

Obviously the job was beyond the young Christians but the way the fiance handled it was scarey. He was such an oily little liar. He said that he had not committed to the job and Isabella made a mistake. I was there when she called him two weeks ago and he agreed. It It is very likely that they all decided well before Sunday night that it was not going to happen.  Isabellas dad said she was not going to do it and she was very upset as if I had upset her.  I think God wants to show me how much I have grown. There is so much entitlement and rationalizing what they did that it blows my mind.  I can see it for what it is. They bailed out. That is ok but not the night before. There was friendship and commitment with those people but I can't see that working in the future. It is nothing short of miraculous that it came together. I have a wise friend who said that they would try to shame me rather than take responsibility and that is what they did. Well holy cow. I can hardly believe it. The perfect storm.

Today is day two. The professional movers are coming. I hope they can do it all today. I hope this ends.  I hope it ends well. Broken trust, lost friends, Lost helper in antique business, lost faith in people there. Other bonds came. Won't have the money to visist my daughter after she has her baby in July.  maybe another miracle will happen.  This has cost a lot. Emergency help does cost a lot. I am trying to believe that I am ok and this is not my fault and I deserve it. I am so worn out.

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

This sounds like childbirth.
But longer.
And with a mean OB.
And no ice chips.
And no drugs.
And no sleep.
And ....

Oy
oy
oy

I feel for you Sea and it's good that you are an amazing
writer/narrator in the midst of it all.

You really are sane.
You are just exhausted.

Do what you can to preserve your health while
this goes on...

It WILL end, just make sure YOU don't!
Nothing matters more than YOU.

No stuff, no convenience, no timing.

I'm really sorry about the expense.
But bravo to you for making it happen.

love
Hops

[lighter]

Wow, Sea.....

you keep getting curve balls, and they don't take you out.

You rise to the challenges, and in these things there are always challenges.

Scamper, Sea.

Put out the fires, and keep moving toward your new little vintage cottage, with the vine covered patio, and cool lower floor.

This too shall pass.

Lighter((((Sea)))))

[Gaining Strength]

Oh my goodness SeaStorm, what a difficult experience. I am so sorry to read about your moving experience. It is painful to read. I am interested to hear how you are doing on this side of it. How have you survived? How did you come through on the other end? Thinking of you Sea.

[sea storm]

The move was monumental. The guy who moved me has two autistic children and he was so laudable and calm and polite. Courage under fire kind of guy.  He had a big truck and made about 6 trips and the Philippino guys made about 10 trips.  Everyone was working so so hard and they were good guys. I loved them. At the end of the day I tripped and fell in a hole and they picked me up so professionally. I have two knee replacements so when I fall it is not a pretty picture.  They said Of course we can pick up .. We're movers!

Ok so far so good right?   The guys who bought my house were quite bonkers. I don't care as it has taken five years to sell the place. They delivered a huge load of things from the yard including logs??????? Cupboards and carpets torn from the house????? It cost me 240 to get it removed and I had to call the police to get them to stop delivering stuff from their house renovations. I thought I was gong to have a friggin heart attack over this. There is no by law to prevent people from dumping stuff on one's property. The moving guys heard about this and they were most annoyed.  It is very rash to do such things in a small town. Karma comes down insidiously and inevitably. The police said it is  not a criminal matter and I could get a lawyer which a won't do.  This is like some kind of stalker revenge weird personality disordered chaos that needs to be ignored and is a great opportunity for Buddhist practice.

So many awful things happened. I wrote a tirade about my Christian friends who baled on me at the last possible minute. THen when I tried to get on Voicelessness I was denied access. I thought is was my slagging Christians. I am back now though. I was a raving maniac for awhile there.

What i did about the Christians who baled and considering that things actually worked out after all and in a random, magical, non- linear and better way all hysteria aside ..... was to send an email saying.  Everything worked out for the best, B.

Received email back.  Thats super!!!.........  That is why email and texting is almost completely insane.
All that was condensed into an inane text.  And now it is jetisoned into cyberspace and I am not going after it.

I have landed in a little neighbourhood of friendly people that are interesting. They waited for about five days and they are all porch monkeys ie. They sit on their porches in the afternoon when it is hot. They saw me out pruning roses and came over offering enthusiasm, welcome and themselves.  Gino started to figure out the watering system. THe lady across the street invited me to see her big koi fish, They shared a recipe for rhubard and I gave them a bunch. Whoever lived here was crazy about rhubarb, raspberries and roses.

So although I feel like I have been through a Tibetan Bardo or something like that it is rolling into a better place to be. I will stay here I hope until the house falls down around me and I have to live in one little room like a buddhist nun. When the insurance people come and say I have to get a new roof I will just have a sign on the door " Bev not home" like my favourite buddhist nun, Rengetsu. She had a sign saying," Rengetsu not home". Really she was home in the back making hand built ceramic bowls for the tea ceremony and writing haiku poems on them. I have one in my store and it was one of the first things I found while unpacking.

Of course it is chaotic and I wake up and don't know my way to the bathroom. My cat can't find the way either. The view out the window always surprises me and feels STRANGE. The house still smells like someone elses house. THe flowers keep blooming and they are fantastic. Huge roses.  I am sure I would have like the lady who planted all this. She died but she liked so many things that I always wanted to have. Even the man cave where her husband smoked his cigars.

The big payments are over. I have a new start and no more images of my ex everywhere. This could be a good place I think. Even though change felt just like a nervous breakdown I am so grateful to have the resilience to survive this change. It is moving me somewhere good. I am well past the gates of hope and living in a place of happy endings.  When I first came here, after the narcissist let with the rich heiress, I couldn't get my face off the ground or even envisage hope of any kind. That is good to remember. Many of us were broken by the experience of a narcissist or a psychopath and it left its mark but we survived. Now I know I am one of the few lucky ones.

Lots of love to you Hops, Lighter, TearTracks,  and Gaining Strength. Your thoughts and encouragement are priceless  treasures.

[Gaining Strength]

I'm so touched, so encouraged, so bolstered by your story, your transition. Oh, I did read the first part but the last would not be reassuring or even victory without the first. And though I would wish it in you I am cheering the result.

[Hopalong]

Roses, rhubarb and friendly neighbors!
I am so glad for you, Sea.

Seems to me a WHOLE LOT OF RELAXING needs to happen now.
Just puttering while you unpack, getting rid of/donating more stuff...
winnowing it down to simplicity if that feels right.

You can have serenity even while you enjoy all the rooms!

I'm feeling such celebration of your at-last safe landing.

Don't worry if it feels like it all took a big bite out of you.
It did, but you will heal as you're good to yourself.

love,
Hops

[sea storm]

Thanks for that, Hops.

I am so tired I just want to sleep and this has been going on for days. I am going with it and sleeping about 14 hours a day at least. There is no short cuts or vitamins for this. I haven't anything left to make myself go, go, go.  I just know that I haven't worked so hard for years and now I am so much older and it takes its toll.

Haven't heard what you are doing lately. Hope all is well or if its not that you are sharing.

Lots of love,
Sea

[Twoapenny]

Sea, I am so glad that you're in.  What an epic!  I hadn't been keeping up with this thread, have just read all the way through.  It is so odd that, at times of crisis, we seem to be able to summon every unhelpful person within a twenty mile radius and have them all turn up (or not, as the case may be!).  I had movers cancel on me the day before once, it does leave you in a place of whaaaaat???!!!!  Such a monumental task.  I'm so glad you're in and all of that is behind you now.  Enjoy your sleep and your new neighbours, they sound like nice people.

[Hopalong]

Sea,
I feel as though I'm just now nearing the surface of my recovery from the move.
It has been two years and it has taken that full amount of time to recover
my equilibrium, adapt to the change, and feel fully integrated into my new
location. Moving in your 60s feels very different from 20s or 30s. But it's
doable, and we done did it, eh?

The good side is all along the way, despite feeling below-par and having
some other issues derail me from time to time--I have also had moments of
JOY in my new home. Things as simple as the look of the light. Mulberries.
What it looks like in the snow. A fox.

So it's not like it's been awful-always-daily-for-two-years-solid. It's been...
this is different, I am weary and changed, but if I abide with this, maybe
energy and new life will be coming. Right now, I believe they are arriving.

A full two years' adaptation is just what it took. Once I accepted that
there was a healing timetable it was best for me to go along with instead
of controlling, it got better.

(Two full years doesn't mean I'm totally decluttered and unpacked, though.
Home office is still a mess, with boxes I hide under the bed as I don't want
to deal with them. But it's okay with me. I'll do it when I do it, and that's
that.)

Your exhaustion is just what it is, and very real. So sleeping for weeks or
months and eating well and doing the smallest things...is just fine.

Trust nature. You are strong but let nature heal you in her own timetable.

love
Hops







And that doesn't mean I've finished unpacking. Home office is only halfway.

But all of this, is now okay with me.

[sea storm]

Thank you for sharing your story about moving, Hops.  Some moves are easily done. I actually named one of my houses easlydone.  Just briefly. that was the Bed and Breakfast in Tofino. Well, it takes a lot to move sometimes and it is hard to explain it all.
I can't explain to people why I am so tired but I am and I just have to go with it. I am morphing into something new I think. This is my lovely space and I am not inviting chaos in. I have gone a bit far in that direction and unplug the telephone and have no desire to join in on the information highway.

Not putting boxes away. That made me laugh and feel you are a kindred spirit. Who cares/???????? About boxes!!! Apparently a lot of people hold strong opinions on how quickly a box must be unpacked. It is hard to avoid these people because they are everywhere.The lady next door knocked on the door to tell me that my raspberries are ripe now. And that my car window was open. One could not inivent these things to describe a person. As you know, I am saving up the raspberries to rub all over my body during the next full moon. Ha ha. I do pick them of course, I am not completely crazy.

I have times when I perk up a bit and go into the garden. I am becoming a serious bore with little to talk about. I only read detective novels from the second hand store. There is little understanding of seasonal work.  Where you drain everything you've got and have to recover. I am not even interested in Japanese and Chinese antiques. I better get over that as it is my business. I have orders but I don't know where the stuff is. I hired a lady to help me unpack next Monday.

I does take a long time to put down new roots. Especially after ones roots were on fire.

It is so reassuring that it is normal to feel tired. That life was worn out anyway. I am such a slow healer. It has taken seven years to be calm after the Narcissist. I had to move to complete the cycle and send that dream off somewhere else.

Lots of love,
Sea