Voicelessness and Emotional Survival > Voicelessness and Emotional Survival Message Board
Daughter in law
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Lupita on July 22, 2014, 01:21:18 PM ---I am so mad and so disappointed!!!!!!
He told me today that he was not able to make it. She found an excuse for every date the counselor offered. He said that we will have a meeting after the trip. I said:
"Dont count on me" I wont do it. That was my condition.
I think she knows she is in the wrong.
Now what? If they find somebody else or they just dont go they are going to blame me.
I feel just in front of my mother. When I finally feel free from my mother's power I start giving my power to someone else.
I have to be able to be happy even if there is a problem.
--- End quote ---
Sometimes the best thing to do, for yourself, is what I learned in Al-Anon ... detach with love. You can't force people to get the help until they WANT the help. He has the option of going on his own ... if HE WANTS IT. If he thinks/feels that he doesn't want it, then no one can force him. He has to decide when he's sick and tired of the entire mess.
Lupita:
Thank you Bones for your words.
I am very upset. All the attempts done to have the appointment have been destroyed by her. For every appointment she finds a pretext. I am so sorry for my son. So, it seems thay might get somebody else to take care of the dogs. This is not the first time I cannot help my son. I am powerless. I am so disappointed. I have tried so hard to gte this woman to like me. I even babysit ofr her to go out with her friends, just to make her happy. But nothing seems to work.
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Lupita on July 23, 2014, 07:31:33 PM ---Thank you Bones for your words.
I am very upset. All the attempts done to have the appointment have been destroyed by her. For every appointment she finds a pretext. I am so sorry for my son. So, it seems thay might get somebody else to take care of the dogs. This is not the first time I cannot help my son. I am powerless. I am so disappointed. I have tried so hard to gte this woman to like me. I even babysit ofr her to go out with her friends, just to make her happy. But nothing seems to work.
--- End quote ---
Sometimes, no matter what you do, nothing works. I have a similar situation with some relatives who love to put the "fun" in DYSFUNCTIONAL. I've come to realize that no matter what I do, or don't do, no matter what I say, or don't say, this bunch of relatives are always to consider me as the dirt under their feet ... so I decided I was not going to waste my time and energy on them anymore. I've found better and more fun things to do without them and let the situation go. Turning myself into a pretzel just wasn't worth the aggravation.
Lupita:
Well, it seems that I am powerless. They decided to pay somebody else to take care of the dogs. They do not need me. So they do not have to get a counselor and there is nothing I can do. In the name of God.
She got mad at me on Thursday night and wanted to talk to me. I said that I could not talk to her unless there was porfessional help. She continued and raised her voice. I said, you see, you cannot control your impulses. And that is why we cannot talk without help. Hope that, that make her eager to accept help.
For now I have to leave it in the name of God. Tonight I will baby sit but will get there late enough that she cannot boss me around.
lighter:
--- Quote from: Lupita on July 26, 2014, 12:11:38 PM ---Well, it seems that I am powerless. You have power over yourself, Lupita. To think you have power over anyone else isn't useful.They decided to pay somebody else to take care of the dogs. No. You layed out a boundary, and followed through with consequences when they tried to weasel out, and stomp your boundaries into the dirt. I think that's progress. They do not need me. Ummmmm, you'Ｒｅ going to babysit tonight. It's free babysitting. Everyone needs free babysitting.So they do not have to get a counselor and there is nothing I can do. In the name of God. You can stay calm, keep communicating the way you want them to communicate with you, and have a relationship with your grandson. I wouldn't threaten to stop babysitting if they don't see a counselor with you, but it's not like you have zero power as long as they need you for babysitting. That looks sad to read, Lupita. Do you think your son and DIL would cut you out of their lives if you don't let the DIL pick fights, and jerk you around? It's normal to stop sujecting yourself
She got mad at me on Thursday night and wanted to talk to me. I said that I could not talk to her unless there was porfessional help. She continued and raised her voice. I said, you see, you cannot control your impulses. You can tell her that you won't have a discussion with her if she's going to raise her voice, name call, or change the subject before settling an issue. You can say you're going to remove yourself from the situation for X amount of time, and will be willing to reengage after that, but only if she can follow those rules, which are reasonable, and appropriate. You deserve to be treated respectuflully, nad since you're willing to be respectful, it's a boundary DIL will have to respect, or she sees less of you. Maybe it works out that you take the baby to your place, on a regular basis, and you just see very little of the DIL if she can't control herself? And that is why we cannot talk without help. Hope that, that make her eager to accept help.
For now I have to leave it in the name of God. Tonight I will baby sit but will get there late enough that she cannot boss me around. You can't change your DIL. All you can change is yourself, and engage with her with compassion, and no judgement. That's it. Maybe if she loses something she really depends on from you, babysitting when she's going out with the girls if she can't be respectful at all, then she'll stop poking you so hard? On the other hand, maybe she'll find another babysitter, and your son won't want to make waves. What do you think will happen? Do they have enough money to pay pet and baby sitters to replace all you do for them?
Calm, Lupe. Breath. Love on that baby, and know this too shall pass. Lighter
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