Sex and not wanting sex

[Overcomer]

Hey all.  Touchy subject here.  (Long time no hear……)

As a young woman I was very promiscuous.  I don't know if I was looking for love or if it was the times (late 70s and early 80s.)  My ex was a narcissist and a sex addict.  We never had sex because he obsessively masturbated or looked outside the marriage for sex.  Men, women it just didn't matter to him.  I was repulsed by him and we finally got divorced.

Then I married this husband.  We had sex all the time in the beginning (like most new relationships.)  I got cancer and it really went away.  He respected the fact that I had no hormones, I was bald, I was sick and tired and we didn't do it very  much.

Then I have lost a lot of weight due to the cancer and the doc put him on Wellbutrin to help him to stop smoking.  Instead of him not smoking, now he has a libido that won't quit.  I have NO libido since my hysterectomy and I am always so tired.  But he plans on sex at least once a week and if I try to get out of it he throws some kind of a hissy fit.  I usually agree and just lay there while he has his way with me.  I figure then I'll have a week where he leaves me alone.

So we had sex on Tuesday and now he wants it again today.  He bargained with me.  I'll vacuum IF we have sex.

What should I do?  My one friend says, just do it!  If you don't he'll look elsewhere for it.  My other friend says she cannot believe how disrespectful it is for him to plan to have sex when I am tired most the time and trying to battle cancer.

[Hopalong]

There are so many ways of responding to this, and only the one that is both achievable and bearable (hopefully with SOME enjoyment) could make sense. I'e heard everything from folks moving to an open marriage (where he'd seek it elsewhere with your blessing) to a do-what-you-have=to-but-I-don't-want-to-know, to divorce, to sacrificial celibacy (on his part), to whatever. I don't know how to advise anybody else on something so difficult, but I do roam the internet when I'm stuck.

Here's a Google search I did, hope it helps...
https://www.google.com/search?q=what+to+do+when+you+have+no+sex+drive+and+your+spouse+does&ie=utf-8&oe=utf-8

Love to you Kel,
Hops

[teartracks]

There's a principle I'm dancing around concerning your question, but it's touchy.
Would he ask you to put on the new Nikes in the closet and go for a walk if you had no feet?
tt

[BonesMS]

There's a principle I'm dancing around concerning your question, but it's touchy.
Would he ask you to put on the new Nikes in the closet and go for a walk if you had no feet?
tt

Good question, TT!

[Overcomer]

See, I think I shouldn't have to do it, either.  We are both 55 years old and I tell ya I think my husband has the libido of an 18 year old man but can't back it up if you know what I mean.  He said something about his needs and I told him to go get a girlfriend!!!  I have been married for 12 years and seriously I yearn for intelligent conversation like I got from my sex addict first husband.  I guess you could say if I could blend the two men I might get a great guy.

I go through my ups and downs.  Most of the time the relationship is tolerable and even good but occasionally I just want out.  He seems to focus on the negatives and is always complaining about something.  He's a hostile driver and I usually have to endure his road rage.  He's a terrible drunk but has cleaned up.  He argues with me all the time mostly because I think he has a need to be right.  He talks non stop about the same things.  Usually shoes, pants, shirts, ties or the group, Journey. 

I know the cancer will take me in the next 1-10 years depending on how aggressive it gets and if I decide to continue fighting it with chemo.  I'd like to move into a smaller home and get divorced.  He can take his God forsaken dogs with him and I can live in peace.  However, there would be no peace in going through with it and having to move.  I don't have the energy to do anything as it is so how could I make this huge leap??

[Hopalong]

This is the "for worse" part, Kel...and also the "in sickness."
If he thinks he was promised weekly (or any) intercourse, regardless of your health, forever...he did the wrong ceremony.

I so wish you had enough support in your life that you could ask others to help you move to a small serene place,
and not have to deal with road rage, constant complaining, or sexual demands. It's intolerable to even think about.

I wonder if a compassionate attorney (not an oxymoron, I have one) could advise you?
Or an elder services agency?

I am so sorry you're in this situation.

Hops

[Meh]

I think it is normal for people to stop wanting sex when a certain age rolls around because no need to reproduce.  IDK women go through menopause and I guess men don't.

Too bad you couldn't talk to his doctor and get the doc to prescribe a libido lessening prescription   O_O    I know .. will never happen

Some people do hormone replacement therapy but still as some point who cares about sex anymore.

I am so glad I am not married, honestly being bothered to minister to men's gross bodily functions... so glad I am not married idk just me I guess

teenage guys just jerk off... not sure why adult men cant do this.. shrug

oh   you could get him a "flesh lite"   it is like the male equivalent to a dildo     lol    are we allowed to talk about this stuff. prob not.

[Overcomer]

Hahaha Garbanzo!!  Yes.  That's what I think!!  Come on!!  I just don't want to and I kind of avoid him when I notice he is giving me "the look."  Can't I just have peace while I am struggling to STAY ALIVE?

[Hopalong]

Cancer trumps horniness.
Period.

Thus Spake Hopsathustra

[Overcomer]

Thanks Hops!!!!  I sooooo agree.

Now I've got another dilemma.  He and I and my bro and sis in law were going to go to Mexico in a month.  Today my bro called and said they couldn't afford it.  So I had told myself I would NEVER ever again go on a vacation with my husband alone again for 2 reasons.  One, he is boring and 2, he is abusive.  I snore and one time he kept nudging me because I would start snoring and then he finally kicked me - hard.  Never did get to sleep that night.  Then another trip he had been drinking and he jumped up threw things around the room, made a bed on the couch and again, no sleep for me.  He counters with, "well, I cannot sleep with you snoring."  So I told him, I cannot control my snoring, you can control your anger.

So today I was going to pull the trigger and get us a 6 day trip to Cancun alone.  Then I texted him and told him I couldn't take the chance of him throwing a hissy fit because of my snoring.  So he's been furious ever since and is giving me the silent treatment.

In the past I have pretty much always deferred to his will when he pressures me for sex or would go on the trip to make him happy.

I AM NOT THIS TIME!

HE CAN GO SCREW HIMSELF.  I WILL NOT BE BULLIED ANYMORE BY THIS MAN!!

[lighter]

Overcome.....
I wouldn't go on any more trips with your husband either if I was you.

I also wouldn't sleep with him.  Life's too short.

About the snoring....there's a tongue suction gadget thing iut....about $60.00 I think.  If you want more info I'll find it for you.
Lighter

[Gaining Strength]

I've been away for a while so I've just tuned in to this thread.  I'm wondering if he would stop the Wellbutrin since he didn't give up smoking.  That might at least put the brakes on his libido.

You deserve better than you are receiving, especially with what you have been going through.  I know your daughter would step up to help you get into a smaller place.  Perhaps you can quietly begin bit by bit to start going through your things with the idea of moving when you can.

Thinking of you.

[mudpuppy]

He's being a selfish jerk, which everyone has already figured out, of course.
I've never figured out why a guy would want to have sex when his wife didn't, to begin with. Pretty sure it's supposed to be a team sport; mixed doubles.
If he won't put you first, tell him to go string a racket with his johnson.

Besides the racket thing, I won't advise you what to do, Kelly, but you have my sympathy. He's not good enough for you.

mud

[lighter]

http://www.snoremart.com/Good-Morning-Snore-Solution-p/2961.htm

Overcomer:

I posted a link, hopefully, to one of the anti snoring devices, not the same one my sibs been using, but similiar, and less expensive by a bit.

I wanted to make sure it works before recommending it, and it's been great, but a bit tricky to get used to.

Since using it, there's been a marked improvement in sib's energy, ability to think, and overall feeling if being rested.

Also.....

it's kind of an anti aphrodisiac.  ::nodding::

Lighter

[Meh]

Ha, anti-aphrodisiacs. Good idea actually.

it's odd how a male can enjoy having sex with a female who is not having reciprocal feelings, one of the quirks I never understood
 it sort of just goes to show it is a selfish action