Hi - I was in an abusive relationship for 24 years. During this marriage - my husband was very controlling - very critical of EVERYTHING. He used to fly into rages over the littlest thing. I think it was a bully-thing. I think it was his way of getting us not to talk with him, not to interact with him - not to "bother" him. (he spent most evenings on his back - watching tv, "tuning us out" (his words). We walked around him like we were on egg shells.
My husband intentionally withheld conversation and withheld affection from me. Most of the time he treated me and our children like we were ""pains in the A__." I was very much alone in this relationship. Literally. I was also alone in the fact that my family was thousands of miles away. He kept me isolated. We weren't not allowed to have friends -no one was allowed over our house. And during these 24 years - I kept "quiet" as to how bad the relationship was. For one, I was so busy trying to "survivie" and provide a healthy happy home for my 2 children - I didn't really see all that was going on. The saying "you can't see the forest for the trees" best described my situation. Plus, he did a real good job making me think the problem was with "me" - not him.
Anyway- I was not allowed to paint the walls or fix things up. I was not allowed to put pictures on the wall, play music, buy almost ANYTHING unless it was food. so we pretty much did with out. (For those who can relate to abuse- we all know people get "stuck", and it's easier said than done - when it comes to leaving these relationships.) "So" - one of my only creative outlet was to go to 2nd hand shops, flea markets, garage sales. It was a really big day for me to find an interesting or quality piece of jewelry for a "litttle price." It was the little fun that I had (I had lots of fun with my children, but almost none with my husband. This is true - I was not allowed to have fun. I think it made him insecure and nervous.) SO - my "collecting" became my THERAPY. I would go for a couple of hours - seeking, looking. At the flea markets sometimes spending 3 hours going thru the piles of jewlery. Plus, jewelry had another plus. After purchasing it, I could slip it into my pocket, my purse - somewhere out-of-sight until I could safely put in in my drawer . . . undetected. Secretly. If I dared show him a piece - he would either tell me to sell it, or the one day - he held it up - shaming me that I had used X-amount of gas to get a 50 cent bracelet. No Joy allowed.
24 years later - the divorce came. Thank God. Now - my little bits of jewelry- are piles, drawers full. My room became cluttered. I could not walk thru it without tripping. I am in the processof cleaning and clearing. Please tell me your thoughts on this. Was this OCD? Was this "void that I was trying to fill" - was that HOARDING? *At the time I was doing it - it was like I was doing something good
for "myself." Being kind to myself - treating myself in some way. Now I am having a difficult time getting rid of these things. I think if I paid 50 cents for it - it's hard to throw out or give away. What I want more than anything else - is to not have these piles. To not have these things that gave me joy at one time - to make me feel like I am "rooted" to them and I cant' get out from underneath. Please - any suggestions, feedback - I welcome your thoughts. Thanks.
