Learning, Growing, Changing, Moving on, Moving Forward

[Twoapenny]

Hi Hops,

Not hijacky at all and I'm excited about you losing your job!  I suspect not having to put up with that horrible man will be an amazing thing for you

And yes, I suspect your T is right about a high tolerance for abuse, I suspect as well it's tied in with a high tolerance for putting up with things and a low expectation of excitement, consideration, passion and any other nice thing!

Something has definitely shifted for me; I cancelled a night out tonight that I didn't want to go on, I've told someone I had said could come round on Christmas Day that he can't now and I've finally realised that when I feel anxious about being with people and I'm fretting about what to wear and what it will be like when I get there it's actually because I don't want to go.  I keep thinking I need to work on my confidence but what I actually need to do is stop spending time with people who are critical and only focus on things they can pick holes in.  I think with those troubled childhoods we've all had that we just don't have an expectation of life being a happy, exciting adventure.  I've had so many years of just battling to get through another set of problems and digging up all sorts of things from the past that just having a good time and enjoying life isn't what I'm used to - and I suppose that's true for all of us.

Hopefully this is the start of all of us caring more about our own lives xx

[sKePTiKal]

and I really do want to start connecting with other people now.  I suppose the difference is I now want to spend time with people who have done a fair bit of soul searching themselves;

That's the key of course. One more, facet on that gem, is to understand that almost everyone has at one point or another, had to do some soul searching. Whether it was genuine or yielded results varies a lot!    I have just started to allow myself to not like other people - even if it's just based on an intuition - and what I discovered was that it was easier then, to connect to the people who are genuine, for me. Maybe it's a trust thing? If we appear to trust what our gut knows isn't completely true... we adopt a cynical outer shell with everyone?? Or something like that. I dunno; that's a hot off the presses idea, right now.

[lighter]

Tupp:

What a relief to trust yourself, huh?  To believe you have answers, and just accept you're the authority in your life you've been waiting for.

You have the answers...... you always have.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

and I really do want to start connecting with other people now.  I suppose the difference is I now want to spend time with people who have done a fair bit of soul searching themselves;

That's the key of course. One more, facet on that gem, is to understand that almost everyone has at one point or another, had to do some soul searching. Whether it was genuine or yielded results varies a lot!    I have just started to allow myself to not like other people - even if it's just based on an intuition - and what I discovered was that it was easier then, to connect to the people who are genuine, for me. Maybe it's a trust thing? If we appear to trust what our gut knows isn't completely true... we adopt a cynical outer shell with everyone?? Or something like that. I dunno; that's a hot off the presses idea, right now.

Skep, I wrote a really long reply to this the other night and just as I was about to post it we had a power cut and everything was lost!  So trying to recap now (it's funny how you can never quite remember what you wrote the first time!) but essentially, yes, I am starting to see that I have generally categorised people as either good or bad.  I'm starting to realise that's nonsense; there are people, I have realised, that I have in my life because I'm grateful to them for doing me favours, either now or at some point in the past, but if I'm honest I don't enjoy spending time with them and that's the bit I've struggled with a lot.  I've always felt if someone is being 'nice' to me then I 'have' to like them and I'm wondering if that's what makes me so critical of some people sometimes; it's actually that I just don't enjoy spending time with them but because I don't feel I can just not like them - as you describe - I have to find fault and have reasons not to spend time with them.  When actually it would be easier for me to at least be honest with myself and accept that I just don't like them and that's alright.  The other side of that, of course, is that I need to accept when other people just don't like me for no particular reason and I find that hard too!  But I think once you notice these things you can start to apply them and practise and try different ways of doing things.

Something else I've realised is that I'm very bored in my life and, as a result of that, I'm often spending time with other people who also have very boring lives, because they're the only ones around (everyone else is off having fun).  So my main aim for this year is to change that.  I'm very restricted by my son's disability; I can only do as much as he can manage, which isn't a lot some of the time.  But we have just, after many years of saving, bought a very old campervan that I am going to do up.  I'm hoping that having a home from home will make it easier for him to manage outside of the house, and easier for me because I won't have to load and unload the car every day; I can just set up the van and leave things in it (ie, food, educational stuff for him, toys to keep him amused and so on).  I'm hoping we can travel more now that we have that, and I'm hoping I can write about our experiences, for my own sake initially but maybe with a view to publishing in the future.  So hopefully if we're able to do that I will start meeting more people I can connect with and who are looking for life rather than watching it pass by (which is how I feel I've been for such a long time now).  Onwards and upwards xx

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:

What a relief to trust yourself, huh?  To believe you have answers, and just accept you're the authority in your life you've been waiting for.

You have the answers...... you always have.

Lighter

Lighter, I think you're absolutely right, we do all have the answers, but I think the societies we live in have expectations of us that sometimes clash with what we feel is right?  And then add toxic families/bosses/neighbours and all the other things that come along and it's a bit like fire fighting rather than soul searching, I think.  So it's taking me a long time to get to a point where I can realise that yes, I can do this, yes, I do know what feels right, it's tough, isn't it?  Particularly if what feels right isn't what everyone else thinks you should do

I've been meditating a lot recently and it's something I enjoy, but also find very hard to do, simply because I find switching off my constant 'am I about to be attacked' mode - which you need to to be mindful of anything - very difficult.  I've been going to a group once a week and that's a lot easier.  Someone leads the group so I feel that I have someone watching over me whilst I switch off; that feels safe.  Not being on my guard and constantly thinking about every possible thing that might happen makes me feel very frightened so I think I really need to focus on working on that now.  Those answers are in there but they're still buried by 'stuff' and I need to shift it.  I also think I need to start being more confident in my son's abilities to look after himself, work on himself and build his own experiences.  Also difficult, because my primary fear as he's been growing up is that he'd be abused the same way I was and I always wanted to protect him from that.  But he's just past the age now that I was when things got really bad and that's made me realise that I've done it; his primary formative years are gone and they were, for the most part, safe, happy, settled and very focused on him.  So I need to pat myself on the back with that one and start recognising that I've put in the ground work and now it's time to start stepping back and watching him fly.  Perhaps this year is the year that we'll both start to fly? xx

[Twoapenny]

Realised earlier today that one of my habits - which I now really want to change - is that I do things so that other people can't say something negative about me.  For example - there is a person who I used to think of as my best friend.  About five/six years ago now, she stopped returning my calls.  She has continued to send birthday and Christmas cards, always saying how sorry she is that she hasn't called and that we must get together.  I then ring again, she doesn't get back to me and so it has carried on.  On receiving this year's card, which has another request in it for me to call her and arrange a date, I realised that my urge to call her isn't because I want to see her, it's because I don't want to be the one who didn't phone.  And I realised I do that a lot, in a lot of situations.  I think I just don't want to be the person that anyone can say anything 'bad' about.  So I think I need to toughen up a bit and knock that particular habit on the head.

[Hopalong]

Hi Tupp,
Kudos on your campervan! Is is instead of moving or ahead of moving?
I so understand the allure.

It was a revelation to me, also, that not everybody has to like me.
I also suffer buckets when I realize I don't like someone.

Especially someone I used to think I liked.

Hmmmm,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp,
Kudos on your campervan! Is is instead of moving or ahead of moving?
I so understand the allure.

It was a revelation to me, also, that not everybody has to like me.
I also suffer buckets when I realize I don't like someone.

Especially someone I used to think I liked.

Hmmmm,
Hops

Hi Hops!

The campervan is ahead of, and as well as moving.  My whole life, all I ever really wanted to do was travel.  For all sorts of different reason, it never really happened.  I went off a few times but there was always some sort of disaster and I always ended up rolling back home with my tail between my legs.  Then I had my son and of course everything that's happened since then it just hasn't been possible.  It still wouldn't be possible in a backpacking kind of way, but a campervan, set up like a home from home for him, might work.  So that's the plan, to start with day trips, extend to time away, I'm hoping to be able to start working at festivals over the next couple of years and I'm finding time to write more; I'd love to write about our travels and the things that we do.  And eventually I'm hoping we can go travelling further afield.  But in amongst all of that I really want to spend a couple of years having some fun and being away from all the bad things that have happened, so I'm still hoping/planning on moving as soon as I can, back to an area I have some friends in that has a nice, laid back vibe and lots of cool little places to go for evenings out and meet interesting people.  I feel different now.  All my moves in the past have been about escaping and getting away from bad things.  Now I feel like I've settled the bad bits and I'm aware enough of what's still there to deal with it as and when I need to.  Now I want to move for me, to be around people I like, doing things I like.  Finally feels alright to say "Me, me, me!".

Yes the not liking someone you used to like is an odd one.  Some people I've simply outgrown and I don't feel so bad about that; I can see that I've changed and grown and that we just don't fit anymore.  What I have realised a lot of the time is my tendency to want people to like me has made me not always say what I really think to someone and spend time with people I don't really want to spend time with.  I think as well, certainly in the past, I didn't trust my own instincts at all, so if my first thought about someone was negative I assumed there was something wrong with me rather than with them and that hasn't always been the case.  I also think I just followed the pack a lot and quite lazily slipped into friendships because they were easy rather than seeking out people that make me feel like singing   I'm paying a lot more attention now to how I feel if I hear from someone; if I feel all skippy and want to hug them than they go on the keeper pile, if I feel flat and feel like seeing them is an effort than I'm trying to delegate them to the 'I used to like you but I'm not keen now' pile.  It's funny because in romantic relationships you have a proper breaking up, usually, heartbreaking if you're on the receiving end but it's sort of assumed that's what happens if you don't want to see someone anymore, but we don't tend to have a similar, formal thing with friends?  It's an odd one.

Sending encouragement by the bucketload for your forthcoming meeting.  You'll do a grand job, Hopsie, you're one in a million xx

[sKePTiKal]

Well, in my case - the Jekyll/Hyde mom relationship - always being the "nice" one and needing to be liked was like camoflauge and protection. I needed to protect myself being from the target/dumping ground for her frustration and anger; demeaning remarks, etc.

Like you, I also assumed (not always correctly) that if things didn't go well in a relationship it was my fault. That's one reason, I'm telling people to stay away in my new transition. I end up feeling responsible for helping them grieve; for cheering them up and sending them on their way... there are only a few people who understand that I'm not prostrate on a fainting couch from crying my eyes out 24/7; that it makes sense that I'm able to let go some anger at the sheer amount of "stuff" that he left behind. That I have to "FEEL" myself, single and whole, before I do much interacting with people "out there in the world". I'm trying to "feel" my way through all of this, outside of that "mirroring" situation and it's really important to me.

Sounds like you're figuring out something similar. The camper van is an excellent idea for outings!

[Twoapenny]

Well, in my case - the Jekyll/Hyde mom relationship - always being the "nice" one and needing to be liked was like camoflauge and protection. I needed to protect myself being from the target/dumping ground for her frustration and anger; demeaning remarks, etc.

Like you, I also assumed (not always correctly) that if things didn't go well in a relationship it was my fault. That's one reason, I'm telling people to stay away in my new transition. I end up feeling responsible for helping them grieve; for cheering them up and sending them on their way... there are only a few people who understand that I'm not prostrate on a fainting couch from crying my eyes out 24/7; that it makes sense that I'm able to let go some anger at the sheer amount of "stuff" that he left behind. That I have to "FEEL" myself, single and whole, before I do much interacting with people "out there in the world". I'm trying to "feel" my way through all of this, outside of that "mirroring" situation and it's really important to me.

Sounds like you're figuring out something similar. The camper van is an excellent idea for outings!

Yes, understand completely what you're saying, Skep, I never really developed a personality because everything went into keeping mum happy and stopping the rages from kicking off and I think that's what I've always been like; molding myself to other people, never really being a person in my own right.  I think as well because my mum loved me being so compliant, not having any needs, not demanding anything and so on, so it's always really confused me - and I think made me angry as well - that when I did that for other people some just took advantage and didn't give me anything back (nothing real, anyway) and some people recoiled and didn't want to know.  It's taken me a long time to work out that healthy, well balanced people don't enjoy being around people who don't have a personality of their own and just mould themselves to somebody else.

I do understand what you mean about telling people to stay away and feeling too responsible for them.  Christmas has been awful, primarily because so few people have bothered to ring, despite knowing I'm on my own and can't get out much due to son's health at this time of year, but I know when I do finally speak to them my instinct will be not to make them feel bad by saying that no-one phoning is crap.  And it is crap, ten minutes to pick the phone up and say hi isn't asking for a lot.  So I think that will have to be my next resolution; to say it as it is and not worry about how that makes the other person feel.

Feeling your way through that situation is hard work, Skep, and absolutely the right way to go, I think.  People do have certain notions about how someone 'ought' to be when they're grieving but of course everyone has to feel their own way through their own situation.  A friend of mine lost her daughter and everyone thought she was fine afterwards - even to the point of being cold about it - because she redecorated the house, dug over the garden, took to washing the car every day and so on, but of course she was just working her way through that tsunami of grief that did eventually come.  It always comes in the end but feeling your way towards it is the only thing any of us can do, I think.  I'm glad you have some friends who get it and who know how things really are.  Holding your hand here in cyberspace (or helping you shift some boxes, whichever works best ). xx

[Hopalong]

Mega dittoes, Tupp.

PR, you owe nobody nuttin' and really CAN just listen to your own needs now.
That includes not even having to understand why people sometimes have weird
expectations that you feel coming your way.

You have a windshield. You are too busy healing to see little bugs go splat.

It's hard and it's a big open space and deciding things is scary. And you don't
need to rush it. But you will be okay. You are okay now, even. Up an/or down.

Storms are shattering but then one day, you realize the surf is calming
and you have weathered it. Things can even become simpler. Promise.

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Well 2015 is coming to a close here in the UK, I don't know if you're already in 2016 across the pond?  Always makes me feel amazed that talking to people on the other side of the world is like time travel

I don't make resolutions in the traditional sense but I do find this time of year is one that I struggle with and one in which I hope things will change and be different in the coming year.  So there are some things I want to work on - feel free to add things to the list if you wish!

I think everything I want to do really comes under the umberella of putting me first!  Even writing it still feels a little awkward; where is that line between self care and selfishness?  But I suppose, as with most things, it's a fluid line that we need to draw and re-draw as life and our situation changes over time.  So I very much want to focus on:

Taking better care of my health.  My two dietary demons are caffeine and sugar so I'd like to reduce my consumption of both of those.  I'd also like to take more regular exercise and to continue with meditating, which I am finding difficult to do but at the same time I do feel it's helping so I'd like to improve my command of that practice!

Focusing much, much more on what I think and not what other people think.  It's a real reflex reaction for me, as natural as breathing, so I do it all the time without being aware that I'm doing it.  As an example - I was up early this morning and the job I really wanted to get on with (at about 5.30am) was cleaning my kitchen windows and re-hanging the net curtains.  It's my day, my home; it's a quiet job that won't disturb my sleeping neighbours, I don't need to go outside to do it and there really shouldn't be any thought in my mind other than getting on with it.  But the negatives that snuck through without me even noticing them at first were:

1)  I'm not dressed, I've not done my hair, I'm in my pyjamas so if I stretch up someone walking past might see my fat belly or be offended by the fact I'm not wearing a bra.
2 )  'People' will think I shouldn't be doing that job that early in the morning or on a day that is supposed to be a holiday.  They will think badly of me because of that.
3)  'People' will wonder why I'm bothering with my window when the garden needs digging over, the gutter needs cleaning out, I've not cleaned the house and so on.

So all of that was floating through my head at the same time as I was thinking "I could get on and sort that window out before son gets up".  This is nonsensical.  None of those thoughts are mine; this is my mother who still seems to live in my head despite the fact I haven't spoken to her for ten years.  These are all things she would say if she was here; they're not things that anyone with half a brain would even consider (added to which, who on earth is even going to be walking past my window at 5.30 am?!).  But it's in there and even though I'm not consciously thinking it myself I think it has an effect on my soul so I really want to focus on shifting that thinking so that it doesn't run over everything else I'm doing all the time.

I really want to spend some time having fun.  I have forgotten how to have fun, and in all honesty I never really learnt how to do it without being drunk or high so I'm a bit clueless in the regard.  I'm going to carry on with the meditation group as I enjoy that.  I'm going to sign up to learn how to sail when the season starts again in April - I can do this with my son and it would be lovely to be able to get a little boat and go out for a meander every now and again.  And I'm going to sign up for a beginner's rock climbing course.  I wanted to do that ages ago but my son's health took a dip and it just never happened, so I really want to do that this year.  I'm scared of heights and water so those two new pastimes will take me out of my comfort zone and I think will help me with my confidence.  Another thing I struggle with is that I don't feel like I'm an interesting person, because I don't really do much other than look after my boy.  So I think being able to meet people based on an activity I'm doing will help with that.

Anyway - I think that's enough to be getting on with!  Anyone else got anything they want to focus on over the coming year? xx

[Hopalong]

Well, personally, dear Tupp, I think you should wash your windows NAKED at NOON.

(Too much?) Okay, then with pasties and a purple G-string. Or a witches' hat.

(Still too much?) I think you need a TATTOO. If you were a tattoo what kind of tattoo would you be?

I so so so hear you describing that villagey gossipy judgey judgey culture and how stifling it is for you.

It will be a joy to hear your own steps as you find your way out of there. (And hear those old internal monologues
as toxic tapes from an old internalized thing you've painfully excavated and, step by step, are recording OVER...)

Happy New Year to you, dear.
(I never make resolutions as they set me up for similar internal thrashings...but I do feel hopeful for 2016!).

love
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Well, personally, dear Tupp, I think you should wash your windows NAKED at NOON.

(Too much?) Okay, then with pasties and a purple G-string. Or a witches' hat.

(Still too much?) I think you need a TATTOO. If you were a tattoo what kind of tattoo would you be?

I so so so hear you describing that villagey gossipy judgey judgey culture and how stifling it is for you.

It will be a joy to hear your own steps as you find your way out of there. (And hear those old internal monologues
as toxic tapes from an old internalized thing you've painfully excavated and, step by step, are recording OVER...)

Happy New Year to you, dear.
(I never make resolutions as they set me up for similar internal thrashings...but I do feel hopeful for 2016!).

love
Hops

Ha ha, Hops, naked at noon made me laugh!  Sounds like an album title or a really good book   A step too far for me at the moment but I love the sentiment!  And funny that you mention tattoos because I love them, have never got too many because of, yes, of course, disapproval from others, but I am very keen to start getting some designs drawn up and getting some ink.  I am looking forward to battling my way out of this trap I am in.  I think over the years I've just constructed this cage of if I do x, y and z then a, b and c won't happen.  It's time to start living, I feel.

I think 2016 is going to be amazing for you!  I think just being away from that toxic boss now will put a spring in your step and a smile on your face.  Wow.  Here's to good things in 2016, here's hoping xx

[Twoapenny]

Hops, you'll be glad to know I sorted out my kitchen windows; I wasn't naked but I was scruffy haired and braless (I did have a T shirt on, though!).

I realised, as I was sorting out the window, that something that I feel stops me from moving forward is that I never finish jobs.  I work on dozens of different things all the time, ten minutes here, ten minutes there, and nothing every gets finished.  I also don't take proper breaks, the way that you would at work (or at least you did in the old days!) when you had a morning break, an hour for lunch and then a break in the afternoon as well.  I think the reason I don't finish things is because if it isn't finished I can't be criticised for doing it badly, if I don't stop ever than I can't be called lazy or have anyone find fault in anything I do because if I can say "I haven't sat down all day" then no-one can accuse me of not working hard enough.  At least that's what popped into my head when I was hanging the curtains up.  Do you know the craziest thing - I live on my own!  Who the bejesus is going to criticise what I'm doing at home when there's no-one here?!  How ridiculous.  So - I have made a list of things that need doing so that we can move - it's mostly jobs on the house that I need to finish off so that I get my deposit back when we leave.  I'm aiming for one job a day to get crossed of the list rather than starting all of them and not finishing!  Have crossed off one today, could have been two but I ran out of the stuff I needed to finish it but there's only a little bit more so I can finish it once I've been to the shop tomorrow.