Learning, Growing, Changing, Moving on, Moving Forward

[Twoapenny]

Awwww, Tupp.
I'm so sorry for that horrible abandonment.
And your mother, by being so unkind, abandoned you too.

I wonder if you isolate yourself or find it hard to trust/connect
because you are carrying on the orphan feelings as an adult?

I was no orphan but I do feel so scared and alone at times.

And you're on your own with a huge parenting burden that nobody
helps you with. I can't imagine how hard that is sometimes, to feel
that "unhelped."

I admire you a lot for your persistence. The rest, the emotional
healing and calming...I feel sure it will come for you in time.

You're going through an awful lot right now, and anticipating a
huge change you're going to go through on your own. It takes
a lot of courage and you've got that!

hugs
Hops

Thanks, Hops.  I'm sorry you feel the same, though, feeling scared and alone just isn't a nice thing to experience.

I am finding part of the reason that I am so alone right now is that I've put boundaries in place.  I used to be very popular, I think, simply because I did a lot for other people and didn't ask for anything back.  Once I stopped being a sounding board, or said to people that they couldn't come round whenever they liked, they needed to phone first - simple boundaries that a lot of other people have as a matter of course - I found a lot of them just vanished and I realised it wasn't me they wanted, it was what I could do for them and they've just gone off and found that somewhere else.  So I've raised my standards, really, and I just haven't met new people where I live currently to replace the other ones, although I have tried hard and tried to make connections.  But I feel perhaps our way of the world now is that more people just take what they need from you without it giving back?  I don't know.  I also find my son's disability very isolating because other people just don't understand the things you go through, so I've lost that ability to empathise with someone who is having a crisis because their handbag doesn't match their shoes, for example, or listening to people moan about their healthy kids doing things that I'd give anything to see my son be able to do so easily.  So I think that puts a barrier up, as does just being exhausted and endlessly dealing with the public sector, which in the UK is an absolute nightmare to deal with.

But I am hoping our upcoming move will bring us new things.  I know the people down there are friendlier than they are up here and they're much more outdoorsie and there's a lot more going on - around here people seem to mostly go to the pub and watch telly, neither of which are particularly my cup of tea.  So fingers crossed things are changing.  Thank you for all of the support I really appreciate it.  How are you finding the job hunting going at the moment?  I hope it's going okay xx

[Twoapenny]

Well something quite huge has shifted in me emotionally over the last few days; I'm not sure if it's the meditation, the de-cluttering at home, the refusing to run around after people or what it might be but I just don't feel as alone as I usually do and, more interestingly, I don't feel as angry at other people for not being who I want them to be!  I've seen very few people over the last month or so and it's funny because only I know that we won't be here for much longer and that those recent meetings may well be the last time I ever see those people.  I've also realised, due to my plan not to tell anybody until the day before we leave, that there are others that I might not see at all before we go and then similarly may never see again and I actually feel quite freed by it.  I saw my sister a couple of days ago and I love her to bits, but I've been listening to her recounting the same dramas and crisis situations for thirty years now.  She's never changed, the loops still keep playing and for years I felt like I had to rescue her.  Then I had several years more recently of feeling angry about her not rescuing herself (or listening to me!).  Now I just feel that's how she is, that's fine but none of that needs to be part of who I am or any sort of reflection on me and that felt very freeing.

Practically we are still plodding on making slow progress.  I am trying to look after myself better.  I've given up caffeine - nine days now.  Felt pretty rough for four or five days but starting to feel clearer headed now and have a bit more energy - not much but a bit.  Am trying to eat more regularly and rest more - that's going pretty well.  Haven't been sleeping too well but I think that might be the lack of caffeine (keep waking up desperate for a cup of tea but have resisted!).  So am hoping that will settle down again soon.

Financially the van's cost a bit more than I thought and we've had a fairly large bill from the vet so the move is going to be a little tougher than I had hoped; all good, I will just look for something that fits with this slightly lower budget and if we don't find something will keep looking until either we do or until my savings have recovered again.  But overall things are looking good, I'm getting on top of the situation with the van, I've been quite ruthlessly clearing out the house (even pot plants have been donated elsewhere) and I've just got one more room to decorate and then the whole house is finished.  The garden needs tidying up but it's a small garden so that won't take long.  Even the paperwork is looking less daunting and I've even bought some pretty files to keep things in instead of my usual 'just buy whatever's cheapest' approach so all in all things are looking good and I'm hoping I will be on here soon telling you all about the little place I've found by the sea xx

[Twoapenny]

I'm meditating daily now, enjoying it, finding it easier to do.  I'm slightly unsettled by the pure, unadulterated hatred that I am feeling rising up towards my mum and my step-dad, and the anger I am feeling towards the many people around me when I was a child who could have, and should have stepped in to stop the abuse, and didn't bother.  I think perhaps this is why I feel so much anger toward people who don't help me now, although interestingly at a difficult time in my life I surrounded myself with the very people who did nothing at a difficult time in my childhood.  Not sure if that is going through things again to learn from them or just being too daft to notice, but either way, it seems odd.

I'm not concerned that I will act on the hatred, it's just suprised me as I genuinely thought I was well past all of that.  I've never really felt anything toward my step-dad other than revulsion, everything else was just numb, so it's suprised me that I'm feeling this way towards him now.  I'm also finding that I'm hating both of them equally.  In the past I've tended to see my mum as something of a victim of his as well, albeit in a different way, but now I'm seeing them as an equally dispicable couple who were just as bad as each other and each enabled the other one to abuse in the way they saw fit.  For many years I've still felt some sort of compassion?duty? towards my mum as she's got older.  I've always felt that I wouldn't be able to sit back and watch her suffer if her health failed, or ignore her if I knew he'd died and she was alone, but at the moment I'm feeling like they both deserve everything they get and that's unsettling me a little bit as it's not how I usually am.  Perhaps it is how I usually am and I just hide it well.

[lighter]

Hi Tupp:

I think you were raised to not feel entitled to your feelings.... any feelings.  That you're expressing them now, feeling safe enough to feel them, and are able to turn them over and examine them is huge.

If it feels wrong or shameful to have negative feelings toward your mum and sf it's bc you're very nice, and you've always been made to feel guilty and responsible for things that aren't yours, IMO.

You're entitled to your feelings.... everyone is.  They aren't right or wrong, they just are.

Go ahead, examine them.  Allow yourself permission to just let them be, and try not to feel anyway about them..... just roll around in them until you're sick of feeling them, and don't stop yourself having them.

I agree about  your mum and sf, btw.....

they deserve everything they've sewn.

You aren't obligated to save them, or help them, or give them any energy at all as their health fails and they grow old, IMO.

They're harmful people, and you're obligated to save yourself and your son.  Only. 

Meditate daily..... make wise food choices, set up your files with those lovely pretty files, and give yourself complete permission to administer your life with competence, Tupp.

Without guilt.....

and....

once past the anger.....

what will there be?

I look forward to reading your updates, Tupp; )


Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Hi Tupp:

I think you were raised to not feel entitled to your feelings.... any feelings.  That you're expressing them now, feeling safe enough to feel them, and are able to turn them over and examine them is huge.

If it feels wrong or shameful to have negative feelings toward your mum and sf it's bc you're very nice, and you've always been made to feel guilty and responsible for things that aren't yours, IMO.

You're entitled to your feelings.... everyone is.  They aren't right or wrong, they just are.

Go ahead, examine them.  Allow yourself permission to just let them be, and try not to feel anyway about them..... just roll around in them until you're sick of feeling them, and don't stop yourself having them.

I agree about  your mum and sf, btw.....

they deserve everything they've sewn.

You aren't obligated to save them, or help them, or give them any energy at all as their health fails and they grow old, IMO.

They're harmful people, and you're obligated to save yourself and your son.  Only. 

Meditate daily..... make wise food choices, set up your files with those lovely pretty files, and give yourself complete permission to administer your life with competence, Tupp.

Without guilt.....

and....

once past the anger.....

what will there be?

I look forward to reading your updates, Tupp; )


Lighter

Thank you, Lighter

You are absolutely right about not being allowed feelings in childhood.  One of the things that helped me so much in counselling was that the therapist actually taught me how to label and recognise feelings - I was so switched off I couldn't pick them out and I certainly couldn't talk about them (or accept it was normal to have them).  The funny thing about the hate I am feeling now is that it doesn't feel wrong, it feels absolutely right and what feels wrong is that I've never felt it before.  What's caught me by suprise is that they are there at all; I genuinely didn't think I had anything like that inside me.  At other times when feelings have surfaced I can see how they've been bubbling away for years but I just didn't notice (my anxiety, I've realised very recently, is constantly very high, but it's been such a normal part of my life that I've never felt any other way without the use of chemicals so I didn't recognise it as anxiety, to me it's always been normal).  So I'm supposing it's all been very deeply buried and yes, absolutely a good thing to get it out and deal with it.  And I don't owe them a thing, not one minute of my time, and I genuinely feel that's alright now where I haven't before.

In other news - things are progressing quite well.  The van (which I love) is taking longer to sort out and costing more than I'd thought so it might delay the moving plans slightly, but only by a matter of weeks (it might not, I should know a bit more in the next couple of weeks).  The house is fairly uncluttered, I've one more room to decorate and I'm making headway with the paperwork, keeping what we need and shredding what we don't, so the actual move itself should be relatively straight forward.  I'm quite enjoying all these secret plans; no-one around here has a clue what I'm planning and it feels quite nice to actually be doing something without the world and his wife knowing all about it.

How are things with you?  I'm hoping good xx

[Hopalong]

Heck, yeah.
That's HEALING anger.
Weather it, and serenity follows.

So wish I could see the Magical Camper Van!

Big hugs,
Hops

[Twoapenny]

Heck, yeah.
That's HEALING anger.
Weather it, and serenity follows.

So wish I could see the Magical Camper Van!

Big hugs,
Hops

Ha ha, it's not very magical at the moment, Hops, it's mostly in bits and I keep finding more rust!  I still think (hope!) I can sort it and a couple of people I've spoken to still reckon I paid a good price for her but there is more work to do than I envisaged and I don't know what I'm doing so it's a steep learning curve!  We're getting there slowly so hopefully she'll be magical soon.  The inside is all good, at least, so the current plan for my son's birthday is to take a couple of his friends bowling, then go for lunch and do birthday cake in the camper which will be all decorated in a pirate theme   Fingers crossed!

It does feel like good anger, which is a funny thing, anger usually makes me feel scared and out of control and ashamed, I realised recently, but this feels like kick arse, Kill Bill stuff.  I don't feel like I have to justify it?  Usually I feel like I need to have a million reasons to back up the way I feel but this feels different, it's very strange (but in a good way, I think).  Hope the job hunting is going okay xx

[lighter]

OH OH OH A PIRATE THEME! 

So much fun, Tupp.

If you have a chance to get your hands on some fake mustaches have plenty for kids to do eyebrows, mustaches, gotaees etc.  Such great photo ops.
Those cheap eye patches and some bandannas are good too.

I bet that party will be one your son remembers happily forever.  A PIRATE CAMPER!  WITH CAKE!

Ahhh.... the rust can only make it better; )

As for me, funny we were just  talking about feelings, bc my oldest dd has a hard time expressing her feelings, and staying hooked into the present.  This began when her paternal grandmother began saying harmful things to her when she was in second grade. 

"You;re going to have a new mother/father.... your mother is a criminal, a thief, a murderer, you don't have to listen to her.... etc"  Just terrible, and for a while she was repeating these things to me, and would be very defiant after visiting with IL's.  That's about when visits ended actually.

That's the time period that began black outs, and loss of memories.... she can't remember anything her grandmother said that was negative, for instance.  Forgot it very soon after it was said and both children were coming home hysterical after those visits.

The youngest reported it all, and stayed hooked into her feelings, expressing them in a healthy manner.  My oldest dd has to figure that piece out now, and she's asking for help with it thank God. 

I'm praying for you and your son.  Rock the Pirate Van for us.... just love a good pirate party, Tupp: )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

OH OH OH A PIRATE THEME! 

So much fun, Tupp.

If you have a chance to get your hands on some fake mustaches have plenty for kids to do eyebrows, mustaches, gotaees etc.  Such great photo ops.
Those cheap eye patches and some bandannas are good too.

I bet that party will be one your son remembers happily forever.  A PIRATE CAMPER!  WITH CAKE!

Ahhh.... the rust can only make it better; )

As for me, funny we were just  talking about feelings, bc my oldest dd has a hard time expressing her feelings, and staying hooked into the present.  This began when her paternal grandmother began saying harmful things to her when she was in second grade. 

"You;re going to have a new mother/father.... your mother is a criminal, a thief, a murderer, you don't have to listen to her.... etc"  Just terrible, and for a while she was repeating these things to me, and would be very defiant after visiting with IL's.  That's about when visits ended actually.

That's the time period that began black outs, and loss of memories.... she can't remember anything her grandmother said that was negative, for instance.  Forgot it very soon after it was said and both children were coming home hysterical after those visits.

The youngest reported it all, and stayed hooked into her feelings, expressing them in a healthy manner.  My oldest dd has to figure that piece out now, and she's asking for help with it thank God. 

I'm praying for you and your son.  Rock the Pirate Van for us.... just love a good pirate party, Tupp: )

Lighter

Oh, Lighter, your poor girl, I cannot understand anyone saying that to a child, under any circumstances.  Even if a child did have an awful parent (which quite obviously yours don't!) the other adults in their lives should explain things kindly and tactfully.  It's such a selfish, nasty thing to do, no regard for the child and how they feel or what sort of effect it might have on them.  She has you to help her through this, thank goodness, so I hope she's able to get to a point where it isn't too much of a problem anymore.  How dare that woman say those things?!  I think there are a lot of people in the world who are lucky they people they harass aren't violent or there would be a lot of bloody noses about.

Yes, I am excited about the pirate camper!  I haven't told him about that bit, he just knows we're having cake in the van so I'm going to decorate it before he gets up on the day and I am intending to go very overboard!  We're quite into making our own little books about the things we do at the moment so I'm going to do little books up afterwards with pictures of all the fun and give copies to his little friends who are coming.  Hopefully there will be cake left for me as well!  Might buy two   It does feel nice to have some good things to focus on for a change.

In other news - have checked finances and I reckon we can still pull off moving next month, assuming the little place I have my eye on comes good.  Should know more within the next couple of weeks but at the moment things are generally looking promising all round.

Thinking of you and your d's, Lighter, sending love and good wishes in your direction xx

[lighter]

Tupp:


We have lots of support, and good T collaborating with dd, school, and MD so hoping everything has best possible outcome with economy of motion. 

Have new lead on Lyme's Disease treatment.......  traditional methods so far not working very well.  Will see, then move to another approach. 

We're on the tail end of 20 IV chelation treatments for heavy metals toxicity in dd, and still working on metabolic syndrome for her.   Thank God she tolerates needles, and swallowing supplements with little trouble.

So far the best approach for the over the top inflammation has been supplements and ZERO gluten/sugar/Dairy.... I mean not a piece of fruit-not a blueberry, or a tic tac ZERO SUGAR. 

Goodness..... very tough, but it really makes a difference with regard to clearer thinking, and reduction of inflammation.  HUGE.  I wish we had access to the nutritionist/holistic doc we had the best results with, but she's two States away.  Part of the trouble is sorting out what symptoms are caused by the Lyme's and what are aren't.  Different in everyone. 

Back to the party..... I used to love love love making little books with the kids.  I wish I could see pics, Tupp. 

Have fun, and make sure you get some cake.  ARRRRGH: )

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

Tupp:


We have lots of support, and good T collaborating with dd, school, and MD so hoping everything has best possible outcome with economy of motion. 

Have new lead on Lyme's Disease treatment.......  traditional methods so far not working very well.  Will see, then move to another approach. 

We're on the tail end of 20 IV chelation treatments for heavy metals toxicity in dd, and still working on metabolic syndrome for her.   Thank God she tolerates needles, and swallowing supplements with little trouble.

So far the best approach for the over the top inflammation has been supplements and ZERO gluten/sugar/Dairy.... I mean not a piece of fruit-not a blueberry, or a tic tac ZERO SUGAR. 

Goodness..... very tough, but it really makes a difference with regard to clearer thinking, and reduction of inflammation.  HUGE.  I wish we had access to the nutritionist/holistic doc we had the best results with, but she's two States away.  Part of the trouble is sorting out what symptoms are caused by the Lyme's and what are aren't.  Different in everyone. 

Back to the party..... I used to love love love making little books with the kids.  I wish I could see pics, Tupp. 

Have fun, and make sure you get some cake.  ARRRRGH: )

Lighter

Oh Lighter, that needle in a haystack approach to health problems is so difficult, the energy involved in trying different things and constantly monitoring/checking to see what works and what doesn't, particularly when they involve lifestyle changes like zero sugar - it's in so many things that we munch on without even thinking that's a sugary snack but it is terribly bad for you, I know here in the UK sugar causes more health problems than tobacco now and I expect the situation is similar in the States.  I'm glad you've got some good people around you and glad your D has you to help her through all of this.  I'm keeping my fingers crossed things improve

I am very excited about the party, too!  Have started buying pirate themed decorations and plates etc, I bought a pirate ship pinyata and we're going to make the hats and a birthday banner to go across the front of the van   I'm posting the invitations today (they've already said they're coming but I used to love party invitations as a kid so I thought we'd still do it officially ) and we've still got a few weeks to go so I can get the other things we need bit by bit.  It's actually stopped raining for the first time since Christmas so I'm hoping to get some work done on the van in the next couple of weeks so it might not be quite so rusty by the time his birthday comes around   I'll keep rooting for your lovely one for her health to pick up - am I right in thinking you can make sugar free cakes?  I seem to remember reading somewhere about some good recipes although can't remember where now.

[lighter]

Hi Tupp:

Sounds like the party will be everything your ds could want it to be. 

Time to care for all the small details...... no rushing, or missing things you thought were important.

You're such a good mom.

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I realised I have been creating new threads as things have come up and, thanks to all of you, have got a lot of things resolved (or at least better understood).

Lighter, I liked what I read about your japanese de-cluttering book and how things should bring us joy and we shouldn't hold on to them if they don't.  I think I am starting to apply that to friends and to my habits.  I do a lot out of duty, I think, and for the sake of being 'nice'.

I have jettisoned a few friends recently, and one of my sisters, and I think that has been the right thing to do.  I don't particularly enjoy spending time with them any more.  I have realised that I want to cherish my very good friends and not have my time or energy taken up by people who sap my spirit!  I've realised as well that I've got 'small dose' friends, whose company I do enjoy for a little while every now and again but not for endless hours and that's okay.  I've realised I can sometimes be a moody cow and it's alright, and that I can hang out with someone even if I don't agree with everything they say.  I can even say I disagree - that's been a bit of a revelation!  So I'm practising these new found skills and trying to be a bit less intense about relationships and just go with the flow a bit more, whilst also not letting others drag me down or take up too much of my time.

I've been seeing the homeopath, acupuncturist and osteopath regularly and I can feel it helping.  I'm also trying to keep my diet healthy, meditate every day and do a bit of yoga and/or walking, gardening or something that involves moving around outside.

I've one room to finish decorating and hopefully will be able to do that over the weekend.  The paperwork is all organised, everything's filed and labelled in pretty folders.  I've a big pile of stuff to either burn or shred and I'm working my way through it.

My son's health is still up and down; we're focusing on rest, diet and small amounts of daily exercise.  We're trying to enjoy each day and take it as it comes.  Life is moving at a slower, more leisurely pace and I like it.

All in all things are good and moving in the right direction

[lighter]

Tupp:

Reading your post..... uit felt like you're floating gently down a river.

You know the water may slow down, or speed up, or get choppy, but for right now.....

things are calm.

Breath.

Pay attention to how you're feeling.

This is your time to discover who you are, and what makes Tupp happy.

Lighter



 

[Hopalong]

Hugs to you ((((((((((((Tupp))))))))))))))))))
and much gentle comfort to your ((((((son))))) (dunno if a huge hug from a total stranger would go down terribly well!) 

Love to you,
Hops