Becoming "me"

[Twoapenny]

Skep you have got so much going on I feel tired just reading it!  How are you keeping track of it all, do you have things written down all over the place or do you just keep it all in your head?

[Hopalong]

I spend half my lazy day imagining what I could do to my home and yard IF I had the resources, but your accounts inspire me to stop that. Instead, I need to go-minimal and imagine what I can do NOW, myself, with existing back/body issues, small scale, and take all the large-scale joy in that I know I could.

Write on, PR! It must be a thrill to have such an expansive home project going on. All in all, it's a wonderful choice because you thrive on complexity, challenge, and creativity. Just pace yourself and scale up or down according to your own best interests.

I can imagine it's going to be gorgeous, and hope one day there'll be a way to post some non-identifying pix here to share the dream.

hugs
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Hops, right now it's big projects because that's the foundation for the lots & lots of little things that one day I'll see it for the 1000th time and THAT'S the moment I'll deal with it. Tupps - I do have lists of things that I mostly never look at it, because once I write it down then I can keep it all in my head and let gravity do it's thing. What I mean is, the important stuff that affects how well the house functions has to be taken of FIRST - because otherwise I'm decorating twice. Yes, I've put some curtains/blinds up - but that was to tide me over till this season when I take windows out & put windows in. My propane bills were outrageous because 1) so many of the appliances are propane and 2) the move took so much out of me - and the little inconvenient problems cropped up so fast - that weeks went by before I fed the firebox with wood in the garage/studio.

The barn is just to have storage next to where the garden area is - for the big gas powered tools, the minimum number of pots & flats I brought and all the hand tools. It seems silly to have to spend 1/2 an hour walking back - and then searching for the tool I need right there in the garden - and then walking back to the garden. Not efficient use of energy/time. It'll be workshop, potting shed, summer kitchen, etc... and should increase the shelter for the hunters when they're here next fall. I have 3-4 different wagons I use but it seems I always forget something when I'm "editing" things outside.

The barn also gives me space to set up my own woodworking tools in the studio garage, so it's step one of a process. And the windows weren't installed/insulated properly and leaked a LOT of heat & air. Some won't open; some won't close or stay closed; company is out of business because their product had issues like these. Big projects first - then I can piddle with all the little things that flit through my mind.

I found a new heavenly store to get lost in this week - a lumber company - LOL. Almost as orgasmic as a hardware store - hee hee! It's like walking into a fabric shop or art supply store with all the bits & pieces of goodies to make things. I'm a kid in a candy store in those places. Shoe stores bore me - LOL.

But all these projects are weather-dependent. And it seems we're having the second coming of the deluge that inspired Noah to build an ark this spring. Highly unusual in this area. I'm not complaining though, because since I didn't rush to mow - I can see the clumps of native woodland wildflowers pop up, the native herbs, and I can tell from where the grass is knee-hish and thick where the best topsoil is. I've had good teachers to learn all this and the lessons help me manage the projects in a sensible fashion, in harmony with the place - disturbing as little as possible. And the pond is full too.

The rhodis are blooming now and I need to be thinking where to plant perrenials among my rocks. I should've tarped my new mower that's still still on the trailer, but I didn't. Just too many other things to keep up with. I hope it doesn't hurt it.

There is a cat that showed up outside here. BIG cat with kitten mannerisms, very tame & lovey, who INSISTED I was her new human. Compared to mio-mio - who's hanging in there - she's huge. This is definitely an in/out cat - with her main preference being out. No name yet, since I'm still looking for names for female Viking giants - LOL. I left her outside the first couple nights thinking if she was a stray she'd go back home. Nope. I even went into the city 1/2 a day and kitty comes to say hi after I settled in again. Well, so be it.

I'm noticing that if I deny mio-mio places to hide, she acts a lot more normal. Right now, she's in my office because Holly is coming out today and might be bringing Boggs. She doesn't like the dog in any case and he loves kitties. She's not losing weight; isn't going potty that I can see/smell; and except for the hiding behavior really doesn't seem that worse for wear. New kitty got her attention and spunked her right up too - a bit of jealousy. I'll gradually introduce them and see what happens. New kitty is a cuddler - lap cat - and slept with me last night. Mio-mio never was a lap cat.

That's all the news that is news around here.

[lighter]

That's a lot of news, Amber. 

I like reading the pond is full, you're planning to plant things with efficiency, and the new kitty is now loved and cared for. 

Having a summer kitchen..... will that be for the hunter's use also?

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

So, I did something for myself - and for Twiggy - that might freak y'all out about me. I had enough anxiety about it, myself, for all of ya.

I took a defensive handgun class last weekend. It's not my first either. 5 years ago, I had one on one training with a sweet old soldier and passed the NRA's basic pistol class. Shot my 10 on target immediately, which is good, because it was March and we were both freezing in the wind. LOL. The class to qualify for my conceal carry permit came the year after that - and was a nightmare from Twiggy's perspective - because the qualifying wasn't organized around safety rules and once again I was put in a position with live fire around me with people I didn't know; didn't trust; and they didn't know what they were doing.

After that, Mike & I would go to the range and try out some of his latest acquisitions and simply throw lead downrange. Not TRAINING - just shooting - because I thought I needed to try to stop flinching at the sound. Except that situation opened up a whole new area of distrust of myself about being able to do the right thing, at the right time, in a life/death situation. Then, I carried while I travelled - but I hadn't shot at all - for about 2 years.

Now, living "out" like I do... alone... distracted by movies or whatever... knowing there are bears here and hearing coyotes at night I had to face that decision again. There are also the occasional bad people here. Narcotics addicts, meth labs, etc. I could suddenly find myself in a situation where I needed a gun -- and it wasn't ON me; it "over there, in the safe, on the UTV" - whatever. Oh sure, I can call my chaperone, 911. And it will be 1/2 an hour before they can get here.

So I ante'd up the cost of a class with someone who's had combat experience; a professional. And bam! my anxiety went bonkers. This goes beyond the rule about "respecting" what guns are for. It's about whether I had the physical strength, the mindset, and whether or not I could keep my attention on what I was doing, long enough, to learn what I need to practice before I attain any skill worth relying on. And the confidence in my own self-control to make correct decisions.

There were only 2 moments my brain kinda "split" in two and I didn't "know" what to do to correct the situation. First was at the beginning, using the small gun I usually carry in a purse - I couldn't get it out of the holster. Instructor asked if I wanted to change guns - I had a new one I'd never shot that I brought as a back up. I was off running to do that in a heartbeat, so I didn't slow down the class. And it did work MUCH better.

For that gun, I'd bought a retention holster - and had to learn to operate it smoothly to draw, along with the fundamentals of drawing itself and shooting the gun. But it never got in my way after that. The second time was late in the afternoon, and we were to draw/shoot with our weak hand. Well, first it's impossible to operate the retention mechanism on the holster with my left hand - so we accomodated. But then, for some reason - loss of strength that late in the day, a sudden brain fart, I just couldn't pull the trigger with that hand. The instructor was RIGHT THERE, and asked what was wrong while my brain was spiraling up into an emotional mess... and the words: I'm just not comfortable doing this came out of my mouth. He said, It's OK, just don't do it. And then I was past it.

The next day, the same skill came up again, shooting from behind concealment - and I could do it.

I'm no Wyatt Earp, but I now have the basics of training in my head, and what results I'm looking for, and lot of tips to improve my aim and shot placement and know how to clear fail to fires... so that I'm confident I can practice alone or at home with those of my family that shoot. And I NEED to practice frequently and stop before I get tired, until I build up the strength I need in my upper back, shoulders, arms, wrists and hands.

Holly keeps asking the same question, over & over: why do you feel like you NEED to carry? versus WANT to carry? (And she shoots, well.) And the reason is very simple: Twiggy KNOWS that the kind of trouble that puts you in a life/death situation doesn't schedule an appointment. I may never ever need to draw to defend myself or my family. And I'd be grateful for that. But if I NEED to, I want to KNOW that I can do so, with some skill and not be a "loose cannon" and endanger someone I care about foolishly. I don't WANT to take another life either; but if they mean to harm me or my family - I want to be able to stop them.

Twiggy's attacker laughed at her, for her feeble imitation of Bruce Lee skills. He was a solder; trained and risen through the ranks to Captain. Twiggy was a skinny, 85 lb when wet, 12 year old. And now that I'm 60, I can't run anymore like she could. Twiggy could and did fight when she had no choice. And I'm not going to leave her defenseless now. For me and her, this is just the logical outcome of processing what happened to her and finding a way to restore the confidence and trust between us, and doing what I can, to try not to be a victim again.

I'm fairly sure that if Twiggy hadn't been through all that trauma, and lived the reality of a deadly attack... that a) I'd never have had a phobia about pistols and b) I never would've cared to have one around me. But all that changed, having lived through a life/death situation. Life makes us who we are now. Like it or not. And we just need to find a way to live with that without being jerks, living with constant fear, or not understanding how we got this way. So, facing the fear and finding a way to overcome it was necessary.

[lighter]

So so smart to practice and train the ways you'll defend yourself, if necessary, Amber.

That this trainer is drilling deployment, and use in different situations sound reassuring, IME.

One thing's for sure... a gun is the best equalizer between a small person and larger assailant.  I hope Twiggy finds her comfort zone with this.... and that you do too.

You might want to think a home invasion scenario through... just in case.  How many doors can you put between you and an intruder.... lines of retreat, and a safe room with a phone, weapon, and sturdy door, etc. 

Lighter

[Twoapenny]

I think it's good that you're making Twiggy feel safer, Skep, and it sounds practical given where you live now and the fact that help is a bit of a drive away.  Quite a few years ago now I read an article about making your inner child feel safer (this was in relation to sexual abuse) and the suggestion was so simple; a wind chime or bell of some sort over your bedroom door so that no-one can get in without you knowing and a mirror hanging opposite it for the same reason.  I was living on my own so there was no practical risk to me at all but I tried it and it really worked.  So I think anything that comforts or soothes old hurt, however it got there, is a good thing.  And always good to keep learning new skills as well, keeps the mind sharp x

[sKePTiKal]

LOL... I have chimes on the porch... and a mirror that will reflect anyone coming through my bedroom door... an outdoor guard cat... and an indoor one.

Queenie was so cute the other morning - she spent the night out - and woke me up meowing outside my bedroom window. All I could see was 2 big ears and almond shaped eyes... LOL. She's a big kitty. Smells like moss and the woods.

[Twoapenny]

LOL... I have chimes on the porch... and a mirror that will reflect anyone coming through my bedroom door... an outdoor guard cat... and an indoor one.

Queenie was so cute the other morning - she spent the night out - and woke me up meowing outside my bedroom window. All I could see was 2 big ears and almond shaped eyes... LOL. She's a big kitty. Smells like moss and the woods.

Aw I love cats!  Has Queenie adopted you permanently now then, Skep, she sounds very happy

Both of our immediate neighbours have loads of cats, six in one home, four in the other.  Then there are various other homes with one or two cats each on our road.  We got home the other day and it was lovely and sunny and there were eight cats all sunning themselves on next door's driveway, looked like a holiday home for cats x

[sKePTiKal]

Over here, we have jokes about "crazy cat ladies"... they could have dozens of cats and it still wouldn't be enough. It's kind of an offshoot of the hoarding tendencies: people try to fill the hole of a big loss with what's near by. I may be getting another one of Holly's "used cats". This one has been a bone of contention between her and Matt the whole time they've been together. (Years now) Mister - short for Mr. Whiskerkins Mc Winklestein - is a huge black Tom with a thug mentality. He and I haven't gotten along well, because I want to snuggle him and he wants to bite me. He's also been relentlessly spoiled.

Queenie is kinda like that too. But only when SHE wants to be. And she DOES wish to be outside - day or night - as it suits her. She'll meow to ask me let her out... and she KNOCKS to be let in. Weirdest thing I've ever seen a cat do. And she's very smart and very much "in shape". I watched her play in my long grass - bounding over tufts, bouncing up tree trunks, while going down to the stream for a drink - and hunt little critters. I should have fewer chipmunks now, I think. She and mio-mio are still not buddies... so I have no idea what will happen to my house, if the big bruiser Mister joins the menagerie. He's an older cat, so I tend to think he'll lay down the law.

Mio-mio has good days & not so good days. She has come upstairs to jealously guard me from the "invader", but has an obvious preference and need to have the downstairs to herself. She used the box one day - and the tile floor in the bath downstairs the next. Sigh. Eyedroppers of cod liver oil on her crunchies is definitely helping, along with the UTI remedy... but she's still withdrawn and hiding. And it has nothing to do with Queenie being around.

Me, is in transition again. From what to what... is anyone's guess.

I've been shifting my schedule, early to bed - early to rise. With the upcoming stream of contractors (I hope) and service people coming through here I need to be up and awake and dressed before they show up at 8 am. I'm starting to gradually shift over to more of a keto diet. And still fighting/struggling with guilt whiplash - when I sell something of Mike's or do something just for me, even retail therapy for the stuff I really need.

I guess I'm trying to find my "zone"... where I'm most effective. Right now, with crazy weather hitting about the time I'm ready to work outside (and can't)... I'm a tad frustrated. The logistics of dealing with trash here is also an issue; the UTV is helping, but I can just BARELY get it turned around at the end of my road without "borrowing" a bit of the west facing land of traffic on the highway. Still, it's better than trying to pull out and go up the road a bit - and trying to see oncoming traffic through the leafed out trees. I can definitely relate to how people have been killed trying to do that in that spot.

Cardboard is mostly what I have to deal with; but I'll be tearing down the old garden fence too. I don't think it's going to be hard - it's all rusty and half falling down as it is.

No word yet on the buyers for the beach house; we extended their financing deadline to June 7, when THEIR buyers backed out on them. But they are enrolling their kids in school at the beach for fall... so... fingers crossed.

[Twoapenny]

Lots of crazy cat ladies here as well, Skep, although I always think cats somehow find people that will take them in and take care of them   I would love to see a cat knock to be let in, lol.  Ours has been known to sit by the cat flap and miaow until someone opens the door for her.  I think they just like to push it and see how much they can make their owners do.  I am embarrassed to admit that ours won't go out in the snow on her own, so I have been found shivering in the garden waiting for the cat to do what she needs to.  I don't go to this much effort for people!

I find it easier to be up and ready when people are coming over, for whatever reason.  I know someone who happily sits in her pyjamas if people come before she's dressed but that always leaves me feeling a bit out of sorts so I get why you want to be up early and ready for them.

Guilt is hard to deal with, whatever the situation or reason for it so I hope that starts to settle down a bit for you soon.

[sKePTiKal]

I've had time and space - mental space - to listen a lot more closely to the guilt process. My T used to say that I lived in a very small "place" - LOL. Despite my insatiable curiosity, I do best with not a lot of external input. So, tv is very limited - and given the amount of NLP and subtle manipulation going on in that medium - that's a good thing. I still spend way too much time online - reading, thinking, discussing and analyzing - and trying to help others, in little ways. And I'm aware of the same techniques going on in that medium, too. I wonder if the people behind it realize that some of us are "immune" to it, given our life experience?? LOL.

So, Michael's gone. And he left me all his "stuff". He was a huge part of my "small space" and because of some mysterious vulcan-mindmeld that we had between us... he was a big part of ME. That left a hole for a number of months, until I figured out ways to realize that I didn't have to let go of everything that we were together. I could keep that. But the stuff was also "mine" now too. And each item carries a visceral reminder of him - both the sweet and the irritating - that in some ways still registers in my feelings as "his stuff".

As I've lived through this process of reclaiming me and my life... I've had a realm of decisions to make about that "stuff". I say realm, because each small thing has a keep/let go decision attached to it and he had a LOT of stuff, believing that he who dies with the most toys, wins. The two sides of those decisions are my practical side: how many knives or plug bars do I really NEED... and the emotional side of "oh, I remember how pleased he was to find and get this". (And yes, I dread going through the music and movies! For now, they're neatly - though not alphabetical as he insisted - shelved.) So, sometime there's a negotiation that goes on about keep/let go.

Recently, I've sold his Harley - which went to a good home and has a good story attached to it. That's something Mike would really like. I took less than the real book value, but it helps encourage a young lady who's worked hard to be independent and take care of herself. She knows bikes, too. I sold his mower to my "chaperone" - again at a bargain rate, because I know he's trying to get the wherewithal together to build on some land he owns and he's helped me a lot here. And the '78 CJ that I bought - because he pointed it out to me and was so proud of he took pictures and made a book of them - is now on display for sale in a prominant location this weekend. We called it "The Beast" - and the little I've driven it, the more I'm glad I stuck that name to it. It fits. I have no business whatsoever trying to drive this thing enough to keep it from rotting where it sits. A pickup truck would get more use in my current/future life here. Mike only drove it to show it off, too.

So, the bike sale would've pleased Mike. His D kinda wanted it - but she is too short for it and already flies helicopters - and has his Mustang convertible. I would've felt bad about giving her something else dangerous to mess around with. Her mom will someday thank me. But selling his mower - which I had no idea how to steer (it's a zero-turn) and the Jeep - had guilt whiplash come with it. I can't predict what will do this. I sold 2/3s of his gun collection without it bothering me at all... even though I can clearly recall when we bought it. Almost all these were purchased and just put away and they took up a huge amount of space. And I only have two hands... I felt the collection was a liability (even though I'm still shooting) and it weighed heavily on me. It was a relief to have them gone.

But both the jeep and mower, kicked my butt. It was like cutting out a piece of myself, deliberately shutting Mike out... abandonment, almost. And so much of our relationship was the constant conflict over how much space his "stuff" took up - stuff he didn't use much; just wanted to "have" - that letting this go was a lot like letting HIM go, again. Yes, it's "good" stuff... but I either have no use for it, am not capable of using it, or simply already have so many things in that "category"... that I want to reduce the number to create SPACE to DO THINGS. Instead of just store it.

So the guilt, self-sabotage reflex pops up to "punish me" for being a cold-hearted bitch. Sigh. That was his worst come-back, when I'd dig my heels in and give him an ultimatum about say - getting rid of a lot of his magazines. He loved to look at magazines and catalogs of more stuff - that he didn't do, used to do, or wanted to do - but never, ever took the first step TO DO. "Mikey's world" was fun to a degree, but it was all fantasy. Me, I need some real stuff that nurtures the feeling of "I did that"... which leads to more... "I can do that"... and finding out that nothing bad happens as a result.

I'm finding there's a whole lot of widows out there in the wide world. And we are all different types of people and struggle with all the different parts of the process of becoming a whole, single person again. I'm helping where I can and am needed. And cheering the million ways these women are putting themselves back together again. Some them are returning the favor, too.

The practical side of me, knows that I would make faster progress around here with a man in my life. It's just a fact of their physical ability and how their minds work. But because I do live in such a small world - I really don't get a LOT of exposure - I haven't turned up anyone interested in the job, or that I could tolerate. LOL... not terribly romantic, I know. But I do tend to run that question through my head about each and every one of them... could I be 1/2 of that whole? And the romantic side still exists, but I figure what I had with Mike was all anyone could ask for in a lifetime. To look for and actually expect that again... is greedy. So it's pretty low on the priority list. I'm willing to let fate and destiny do their thing about that, for me, at this point. And I enjoy the crap outta all my "rent-a-men"... because I don't have to feed or housebreak them.

[lighter]

(((sKeP)))

I'm glad you're moving ahead, making space, and paying attention to what comes up as you go.

It's painful to let things go.... it is.

I'm feeling squeezed and compressed myself at times over letting things go.  Not enough space to DO and BE as you say.... too many things, and most things have emotional attachments.  Your post was so familiar.

::shaking head::

And some of the things make me sad..... which makes this harder, IME.

I will say that recovering and moving on is getting easier with practice.  I'm mostly in a productive calm space with bouts of struggle around the decision making process.  I talk myself out of trees every day, then get to feel good about it.  Like cracking the LIGHTER code.  Writing my personal rule book on problem solving and coping strategies. 

My children and I go on holiday in about a month and I've planned an estate sale before that, date to be determined, so there's pressure.... I do my best work under pressure. 

::nodding::

As always, opening up clean clear sunny floor space brings joy, and serenity.... always worth the effort, IME.

The hard part is the letting go, with occasional pangs of regret when I feel I need something I've let go.  Those times aren't worth the gains, IME.  The very hardest things will be dealing with all the legal papers..... what to do?  What to do? Hmmm.....

I'm looking for a smaller 4wd vehicle.... I have a large truck, which is handy, but gets crap mileage.  I need something DD16 can share with me, and I've just begun that search.

You sound centered, and aware..... pushing your way into expanding your little world.

I'm interested in the next phase for you: )

For us all.

Lighter




 

 

[sKePTiKal]

It's funny the things a person latches on to, attaches to, in the attempt to process all the feelings of a big loss. Outlander, started out as a series of novels - and I was reading those during the "blooming" of my relationship with Mike. A terribly elaborate romantic novel, with a historical angle to it, since the woman protaganist travels back in time to meet the love of her life. Well, it's being turned into a tv series and the bait of men in kilts was just too much for me. Especially since I was familiar with the story from reading it anyway. The finale of the last season is one of the saddest ever.

Claire had gone back through the stone to her own time, birthing Jamie's daughter and raising Bree with her "future" husband, Frank. It's 1968. Frank passes, and Claire & Bree go to Inverness for the funeral of Frank's dear friend and cohort in historical research... and Claire visits the battlefield at Culloden where dear Jamie most likely died, along with the rest of his clan and the highlanders. And she finally says goodbye.

I've watched this for the 3rd time now - immersed in my own feelings in my "splendid isolation" here. And the tears are less, the sadness is lifting, and I think it's time for me to say goodbye too. Of course, it was November 24th, 2015 when I held him as he left life and me. But so much lived on in my feelings and routine and all his "stuff". And in me. Watching this yet again, lets me see that I intentionally have to let the idea of him go too. To leave him... in a good way... because I'm still here and he's not. Like time travel through ancient druidic stones.

It feels big, but not overwhelming. And except for my projects around here - which I'm still struggling to find the physical energy/harmony of timing/ etc to get moving with a little more speed - I have all the time in the world to explore this and what comes next, in a leisurely fashion.

[Hopalong]

I'm feeling sad about Mike too, almost as though I knew him.
Amber, I'm glad you acknowledge the process of your grief. It's powerful to hear you respect what it is, allow it the time and space it demands, and observe how it changes. You will always miss Mike and yet, you really are moving forward.

I'm sure the "stuff" does make it harder to let him go, but as you deal with that, you open space of all sorts.

I'm curious (for selfish reasons)...do you mind sharing how you and Mike met in the first place?

Back to stuff...my 90 y/o lady is freaking out over her accumulations of too many clothes, and even a house (have only seen the outside so far but we plan to go) that her family can't yet sell because it's still full of stuff. And what I'm noticing most is that her HEAD is full of the stuff, questions about the stuff, concern about not having disposed of/sorted/dealt with/prepared properly for storage/donated/let go of...the STUFF.

It's adding so much stress, guilt, worry and anxiety to a time that could be serene, full of music, friends, reflection. She's running away from what is real. Can't blame her, I do it too. But I see the consequences and it's a warning to me. She's created an over-complex life and pruning it for her own health is beyond her ability now.

love
Hops