Author Topic: Becoming "me"  (Read 43730 times)

sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #330 on: June 06, 2017, 07:43:33 AM »
I had been hired on F/T as faculty for a community college - teaching what I "did" in real life - printing, graphics, etc with computers. A big part of the program was adult training and helping people keep their jobs, in the face of a corporate decision to "go digital". The program had been struggling to get off the ground for numerous reasons - but classrooms were to be built! Specially designed mini-pressroom (OHSA approved) and a computer lab! It was like handing an artist their very own custom studio... and it came with a paycheck and state benefits. LOL.

Just before the semester started I was at work trying to get settled in and met with the Dean of Finance for something, after doing all my personnel stuff. He asked me if I'd approved the plans for the new building yet. (It was actually an addition.) The morning of my first day... and I asked him - WHAT PLANS?? He said: Go find Mike. He'll explain it all to ya. And so he did. Those two had a special relationship - the Dean and Mike. Mike never really had a dedicated office anywhere on campus; but he was always where he was needed and made things happen. He was a "Capital Project Manager".

It was years after that - and many an informal "compare notes" meetings about the usual "palace intrigue" that goes on in ivory towers - that we recognized that we worked really well together and the interest in each other could go waaaaaaayyyyy beyond two bonded team members. It started out as a meeting of the minds - we pushed each other intellectually to grow - and it deepened from there. Both of us dragged the other kicking & screaming into new things. Our insecurities weren't the same ones - so, together we meshed into a "whole" and nurtured the other. Like how a tree trunk with two separate stems merges into one.

And that was a healthy "enmeshment" - unlike the kind we've talked about here before. What Dr. G said in his interview about relationships: being strong enough to be vulnerable to another... and trusting that you'll still be safe...    ||  I'm not sure I was strong at that time. Maybe more reckless and desperate, than strong. It was Mike who mentioned to me, while I was babbling on about boundaries that fences need gates, to let people in. And threw me for one of those giant perception leaps. But that's how our minds worked together; the vulcan mindmeld.

His "stuff" bothered me - because of my mom replacing relationships with things; mere symbols of her imaginary relationship with people; she still doesn't see how emotionally unavailable she always has been. He knew that; and insisted I accept that about him. And his fascination with collecting things WAS differently motivated. More of the magpie instinct... something bright & shiny, well-designed & thought out, engineered and functional. Or playful. He was also the "fun meister"... something I really suck at: having fun. If I have an asperger's side - it's right there. I'm really clumsy and awkward about having fun. Don't know how it works; what makes it tick or WHY it's fun.

One of the big connections between us, was when he revealed how deeply he was affected when his Dad died. His whole life changed - he was a senior and had early acceptance and scholarship at MIT. But with his next sibling 7 years younger than he and an even younger sister... he shifted gears, changed his life, his plans, and became his mom's "man of the house". He stayed closer to home, at Va. Tech for a couple years and didn't finish. That was one of his biggest insecurities: not having the "papers" to certify his abilities. I kept pushing him to see that he was still the person - with the same abilities - that didn't really need someone else's validation that he was that good. I watched him blow away investment brokers with his ability to do math in his head. I guess they'd call him a "quant".

And when his Mom passed - and then he started losing old friends - something shifted for him. It was one of those things that just aren't quite verbal - and he was so good at hiding things like that, that even though I could go quite a ways non-verbally - all I knew was he was involved in an inner process of trying to choose something. Some change in HIM. It was deep, subtle and barely noticeable at first. And it went on a couple of years - and then our friends started mentioning it - because I was doing the "leave him be to sort it out and carry on" thing... trying not to think about it. Looking for a way to re-engage him in something new... something bright & shiny... something fun... to wake him up to the ability to go on. Bless him, he tried.

But it wasn't in Valhalla's cards.
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Hopalong

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #331 on: June 06, 2017, 04:03:14 PM »
Oh, Amber. Thank you for sharing this.

This is such a moving, poignant account of how you two met and found harbor in each other. And makes it sadder still that Mike was disabled by his losses at the end.

Nothing about his end invalidates the happiness you gave each other.

None of us know quite how the balance will be for us at our own ends. Will we have broken through the last glass ceilings between ourselves and full health and fulfillment?

And even if we haven't, will we know that there is nothing less about us, nothing less valuable about our lives and our loves, whether we leap or crawl over the finish line?

It really doesn't matter, when we have a space in someone's heart. The competition of life becomes absolutely irrelevant.

We lived, we loved, and when we are lucky, we are remembered.

Thank you so much for sharing this story.

love to you,
Hops
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sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #332 on: June 14, 2017, 08:04:40 AM »
Well, apparently I don't have an immunity to lonliness.

Holly was here for a few days and we reached the "necessary" part of the goal, tearing down the old garden. There's still more clean up out there (too hot for a few days for this old lady to work out there). My friend Debbie was out Sat pm too. But the concrete guy will come out this weekend. I signed the contract with window/door guy too... so he'll call one day and come measure, to order the new ones. So all that will start, if I can ever get back up off my butt again.

It seems the lonliness sets in after the contrast of having someone here. Catching up on all the news, taking stock of each other and how we're REALLY doing (not just how we say/think we're doing)... and calling each other out on it, gently. Or not so gently in the case of Holly & me - LOL. And I get reminded (again) that "who we are" a lot of times is also a reflection of the people around us and vice versa. In my case, what I TRY to do, is also dependent on people around me and I have to ask: why is that?

The long stretches of peace and quiet are necessary for me to even frame questions like that, much less try to figure out the answers. Yes, I have some online friends; and yes, there is a HUGE difference between a friend sitting next to you on the porch and one you have to find out in the chat room, is dealing with an (early; small) breast cancer after losing her hubby earlier this year. It's just not the same as always having someone around day in/day out that you no longer have to do the "dance of the moving boundary" with - you know each other that well. Someone to suggest doing things I'd never pick on my own; never attempt to do on my own; and it turns out fun - or at least satisfying and different.

SOOOOOoooooooo, enter the woman who gathers up her fears & doubts to go where angels fear to tread. I signed up for a free "Our Time" account; online dating. The software threw me 11 "matches" (only based on my location). Sadly, it threw up astrological signs at me - so there went half of those. I just couldn't help myself based on past experience. The guys who even SAID how much money they made got considered; compared to their faces and how much they shared about themselves (usually not much) and all of those went too. They'd unfortunately only see my checkbook balance. There were a couple "over the mountain" that a) weren't bad looking and b) seemed independent... and the red flag was thrown when they talked too much about how great they were and had a list as long as my arm of what kinds of women shouldn't even bother.

I did better shopping a long time in Home Depot. ;)  I think I'm just window shopping too. Like going to a museum and appreciating the Renoirs... fun to do, but I don't need to bring the painting home. That tells me I'm not at all serious about this, or I'm not lonely ENOUGH to do the dance. LOL. And it would be purely entertainment reasons - a pseudo-productive use of time/money - to subscribe to one of those sites. A different way to pass the time - and it does have inherent dangers.

So, the reason I'm "lonely" is because my brain isn't focused on something and physically I NEED to rest. No matter what my expectations are of myself, attempting to keep up with Holly for 3 days as the heat settled in here wore me out. I caught myself (in my head) beating myself up for not moving faster. Really??? All those OLD neural patterns are showing up again??? WTH??

The "I can't" and "I don't wanna" are rearing their heads again... and when I point out that sitting on my butt, playing online all day is a) not important to the world of "creating things" and b) not helping me improve my strength and stamina... I get sulked at. Or rac-y brain - do this, look at that, here's 15 things on the list to do - with no indication of priority. Some days I just hate that "self" that grew out of the intensely awful experience that was so DAMN. LONG. AGO. It let itself be formed in the image of the "poor, doesn't feel good, victim mentality" of my mother...

and it IS NOT ME. It wasn't me BEFORE my "worst day ever"; and it wasn't even me AFTER because I still kept fighting my through the gaslighting, dissonance, scary stuff and anger. This is what Twiggy was SUPPOSED TO BE, per the edict of that day... and that stuff got shoved in the "the box" right along with her.

It is now in my way. Annoying me. Whispering it's seductive lies again. I need to go start up the bulldozer; get it purring; clear some crap outta my way forward. Be right back.


LOL.
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lighter

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #333 on: June 15, 2017, 01:04:33 AM »
Hi Amber:

Did that bulldozer ride do you some good?

I always feel better when I go into nature, and work.

BTW... I had to laugh when I read about your foray into virtual dating.  My youngest dd signed me up a couple months ago, and 2 days later my oldest dd removed my profile, and everything to do with it from the computer.  It was interesting, but just not in the cards right now, or I wouldn't have let it go. 

When you're ready...... you'll do something about it.

Lighter


Hopalong

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #334 on: June 15, 2017, 08:50:14 AM »
Maybe those voices come back when you're tired, Amber? I know it's when I feel physically less strong that I have the darkest visions of my life.

But tired, at any age, after extreme sustained effort...is just nature slowing you down to rest.

Being tired is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign of your body being in communication with its boundaries. The caboose emotion is adrenalin not given a chance to fade.

It's okay to fade. It's not permanent. Think of it as gentle, not failure. Not less.

love
Hops
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sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #335 on: June 16, 2017, 11:07:12 AM »
I'm breaking down the clustered lump of things into individual "things" to tackle one at a time. Both the tasks and the old/new crap in my head.

Woke this morning with an odd thought in my head: what if... I rechannelled all that "love" energy I directed to Mike, to myself for a bit? Wonder what would happen? Can I even do that without feeling really awkward about it?

And I've been noticing some neuro & vision things pop up, due to how much time I spend on the ipad some days. I got to wondering about the science side of transmitted light/images, the flicker/refresh rate difference between the laptop (pc) and ipad screen. Nothing major, but it seems the longer I'm online - the more apathetic about EVERYTHING I become. And the less motivation I have to tackle those things that I'm doing - for the place, and therefore, for myself. And the more I get into the rut of: it doesn't matter if it's 4 hrs past my bedtime, it doesn't matter when I get up... I don't matter.

This article seemed to validate some of the things that I'm noticing; in particular the bit about autonomy really lined up:

https://www.the-american-interest.com/2015/06/09/your-brain-on-screens/

When I retired, the LAST thing I wanted to spend time with, was a computer. I still haven't bought into the whole smart phone thing; partly the screen is too small and partly because a phone is for talking/texting short, to the point messages - not letting my fingers blather.

But, when Mike started to cling more intensely and not want to let me out of his sight - even if he was sleeping - the ipad was my door to keeping "me" separate, feeding my curiosity, letting me have a way to stay busy - at least mentally. And when I knew he was sick - it kept me connected to all my support network people.

And when he was gone, it got even more important to me to have those connections. But I don't have any anxiety about shutting it off; not about being where I can't get a signal... and I refuse to let it "take over my life". I read Marshall McCluhan as a kid, and he couldn't have imagined then how many assaults on our autonomy, seducements for our attention, or even actual physical impacts these computers, the internet, and even "social" (it's really the total opposite; it's "anti-social" in it's effects) media have on us. My skeptical side even sees a lot of social engineering/manipulation going on too.

Yep; I was one of those who thought this was as big a boon to humanity as Gutenberg's printing press in the beginning. I grew to distrust and hate it, the deeper and deeper I got into it - and studied how people interact (or not) because of it. And y'all know I can turn that microscope on myself - when it occurs to me something's "not right". The computer and all it's marvelous "virtual world" inside is irresistable when a person's boundaries aren't all that strong to begin with and THEN, it insists that no boundaries is "good" and "proper" and virtuous.

So: I'm not going to use my computers for target practice just yet. But in the attempt to create my own productive schedule of being here... a positive self-reinforcing feedback loop... I'm going to set some more limits on the screen; how often I connect my brain to the stuff inside it; so I can spend MORE TIME with myself, in my new space, revisiting old fun things I still like but "haven't gotten around to" and getting myself more physically acclimated to demands of living here.

I've let myself cocoon long enough and shared enough of myself "out there" "online"... and with some really special exceptions... the amount of "real" connections that has come back out of that massive time suck isn't a good ROI. Yes, I have found some really good special friends. And if it weren't for this "tool" it wouldn't have happened.

Living here requires that I engage physically with this place 24/7. And it uses a lot more energy than taking the elevator back & forth to the pool. That's what I wanted; I intentionally chose it; I am getting to know it better and settle in. Time to move on to the next phase.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2017, 11:09:53 AM by sKePTiKal »
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Hopalong

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #336 on: June 17, 2017, 07:39:35 PM »
AMEN, sister! Preaching to the choir about anti-social media.
I've read some of the research too and I believe it's doing a hugely negative number on human social evolution. Both micro and macro.

What a wonderful realization, and liberating.

But here's an exception!!

love
Hops
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sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #337 on: June 18, 2017, 07:08:49 PM »
There ARE exceptions like this place, Hops. I "liked" your post.  :D
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sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #338 on: June 21, 2017, 08:00:48 AM »
I've been out playing bushwacker - clearing a decent path for the service guy to get the a/c unit in the studio. Almost there - had to quit for food at lunchtime. My hands hurt from the pruners, so I shifted over to mowing more of the tall grass around the house (I keep pushing it away). And of COURSE, I got bit by something - skeeters, no see ums, I literally did not know I was being bit and the bites are where I was covered, actually. Big, red, hot, itchy welts.

I was getting them when I worked out in the "wilder" areas at the beach too. Somewhere I have lots of suncreen and bug spray. But since it's not the place and it's bugs (happening both places) I have to assume that my allergy to bites has increased, for whatever reason. Nothing I've tried in the past, really helps - not even oatmeal baths. But I remembered the tip I got from a guy who plays "mountain man"... soak black tea bags in cold water, wring out and apply to bite. The tannins in the tea draw out whatever causes the itching.

Passing it on, for anyone else who has this problem and find that NONE of the usual OTC remedies work.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #339 on: June 25, 2017, 07:40:57 AM »
So Day 4, I think - yesterday - was the very first day that I wasn't totally miserable and trying to deal with the infernal itching from these bites. They ARE no-see-ums; confirmed. And this is the time of year they're most active in tall grass - which is ONE REASON I was trying to get it cut. I know skeeters & such, not to mention small destructive varmints, use that to sneak up to and into the house. I've lived "out" like this before.

So yesterday, I felt finally good enough - that all I could really accomplish was to simply relax and enjoy it. It felt THAT GOOD. Yeah, I still have some spots that if I get heated, start itching again. I am a bug magnet; have always been. So, what I've found out is that the usual bug repellant is useless - DEET may keep other bugs away - but not no-see-ums. I was covered in it the LAST time, I got bit at the beach. Secondly, a good number of people like me have extreme reactions to the bites. Even mosquito bites welt up on me. Part & parcel of an over-active immune system response I think.

The tea bag treatment did work initially - but needed ice pack augmentation and reapplication so often I wasn't able to focus long enough to do much at all. Then, I spotted my big quart bottle of Technu - the hands-down best poison ivy treatment I've found. Rub it in, all over - it removes the irritating oils - and then cool shower. Light moisturizer after drying. I reasoned that if this microscopic fly's saliva was so irritating, maybe something this drastic would remove enough to let my immune response rest a little -- which should stop the itching...

Day 1, I had split a benedryl in half (experience here) to get some antihistimine in my system too. Took the other 1/2 at bedtime... and it still took 2 days for me to get my head "right" after that. The Technu started having an impact, that same day. Swelling, redness & heat went down in some of the bites; others build up a center and those stay itchy longer. Just depends on where they are.

In my research, I found someone DOES make a repellent specifically for these bugs; it's a combination of essential oils - so I've ordered 2 bottles. We'll see if it helps... because I do need to finish mowing the really tall grass before I go back over where I've already mowed. I hated being out of commission so long - because I'm at the point where I CAN do a lot of things to move progress along here, while I wait on contractors.

My slavedriver work kid will be here next weekend, so I need to suck up the rest of my discomfort and get on with it again.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

sKePTiKal

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #340 on: June 30, 2017, 07:03:07 AM »
I'm so excited! The work commences around here!

Tuesday the contractors showed up, and the lead guy set them to work dealing with the windows/doors I wanted removed in the living room and framing it in. After all the windows & doors are done, that will get sided and wood paneling inside to match and then the outside caulked & sealed to freshen up the protection on the wood. Most of the work is getting done with an older guy and his "so green he puts a hammer on the top rail of the 2nd story deck over a cliff" go-fer. Nice and willing kid though. He's learning on the job and is bending a lot of nails, so he doesn't want to lose that hammer! End of the day Tues - they already had the doors out & covered.

Yesterday, a 3rd guy showed up. I'll keep him, I think, if they'll let me. Big, strong, and has grandkids - but doesn't look it to me. They had scaffolding up and the left side windows out & covered by lunchtime. They were going to try to go on and get all the windows out - but the oldest guy ran out to pick up house wrap and the other two got sidetracked. We talked a little (I've been staying out of their way mostly) and then my black snakes came out to play. Guys... snakes... the kid asked if they should kill it and they would've gladly played at that. I said no, he's one of my varmint control team.

Tuesday, I was out trimming up the lower limbs on the trees that are annoying when mowing. Kinda wandered over into the woods a little too, as I need to re-civilize a section over there. Got bit again; skeeters this time - and the welts are almost as bad. So yesterday I did a deep search in boxes to try to find my stash of bug spray. It's DEET, but it's better than nothing. Came up with nada. I swear there's a whole truckload of stuff missing from the move... but since I haven't completely unpacked (almost there) I can't prove that.

Yesterday, while the guys were hard at it, my chimney guy came by and he's going to price out the fireplace insert/woodstove I want. He'll end up doing the installation too after they're delivered. Nicest guy so far and environmentally conscious - so we chatted a bit about my plans for out here. In the afternoon, the guy recommended to pour the concrete pad for the metal garden barn I want came by. He came up with the same old refrain - I've worked out here before but never knew this place was back here. LOL. It'll be 2 weeks before he gets started which is fine by me. Once that's in, I'll initiate the order, sign the contract, then go get my permits.

So this weekend, we'll finish moving the old concrete block to where I'm building kitchen beds along the driveway, boulders and parking area... and clean up as much as possible by the garage/studio for the place where I want the smaller storage shed to go.

Someone called my living room windows, "dramatic" because I have a glorious view. I have to say, that I'm very very pleased about the decision to remove them. The thermometer on the big picture window read 107 degrees Tuesday evening - even though it wasn't even 70 on the other side of the house. You know it's the reverse in the winter, which is why I was going through propane so fast. The light is SO BRIGHT this time of year because of the angle of the sun that it's been bringing on ocular migraines - there are some trees nearby that dapple the sunshine and that kind of strobe effect has always bothered me. Now it's just a 3/8 in piece of plywood and even just the typar over most of the top, and it's already staying cooler inside. And there is still plenty of light. In the winter, the angle of the sun will be lower, and I'll have a little more passive solar effect - although the new windows are designed to minimize heat transfer through the glass.

And next week, I'll contact the well guys to have them come inspect the pump and ask some questions. They put the well in 20 years ago and I'm going to BET that (given all the other things I've discovered since November) no one's ever looked at it since. With a vacation property, people just don't notice a lot. And even full time, some people don't notice things until they break. I'm a bit more proactive in my observations. And OCD, too.  ;)

I know this all sounds like a lot - but it's what needs doing before things deteriorate any more around here. Water, power, main fuels and structural integrity of my main building means I can then take over, do things myself - at my own pace - and PLAY MORE with it. I can get what I need to, inside garages and protect my new equipment and jeeps... get my wood shop set up... get my studio set up... next winter. Stock my pond with fish. LOL... and I'll be used to the work routine around here by then.

So, between November and Memorial Day... I rested, I ruminated, I looked... dealt with a few immediate repair crises... and imagined... researched... and let myself become part of this place, so I can "hear" and "see" what it wants to be when it grows up. I finished up the preoccupying part of grieving and mourning, realized I don't become a helpless blob living alone - and that there are some things I need, too - and have started to have some video chats with my doc friend out west, who held my hand while Mike was sick.

For someone who spent so much time with the military, the juxtaposition of his old hippie looks takes some getting used to. Totally platonic, I assure you. We have a lot of major communication differences that take some patience - but once we work those out, we're kinda on the same page, doing kind of the same things - in our own ways. I need to get better at communicating verbally; he needs to get better when writing. He rubs people the wrong way sometimes because of his writing style.

So, life down on the farm, is pretty good. Even at this stage where I'm not growing or making things just yet. Just working to get to the point, that I can do things myself.
Success is never final, failure is never fatal.

lighter

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #341 on: July 02, 2017, 05:32:49 PM »
Lordy, SKeP I so feel for ya when it comes to the bug bite itching.  Youngest dd and I bushwacked at my father's farm before this trip and....
Let's just say it's apparent we're super allergic to chiggers and we have no self control. My sister has tanned my legs before dressy events and covered my little wounds with make up. 
Nothing stops the itching for us...... maddening.

Now onto the beach where bug n sun generally keeps us bug free.....cept for biting flys.  This will be a right bug bit trip.

Glad you're getting so much done and feeling better.  I'll pack plenty tea bags.

Lighter 


Hopalong

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #342 on: July 03, 2017, 09:46:47 AM »
Got nuttin' much on homesteading or platonic ties online...

...but for bug bites? Baking soda paste has worked really well for me.

Hugs
Hops
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lighter

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #343 on: July 04, 2017, 02:59:21 PM »
I am packing plenty of baking soda!

Thanks for the suggestion, Hops.

Light

Twoapenny

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Re: Becoming "me"
« Reply #344 on: July 05, 2017, 03:56:53 AM »
Skep, just reading your updates tires me out, what an amazing project and what an amazing amount of energy you are putting into it.

Your workmen sound nice; getting help from good people is a massive bonus whatever it is you're doing and I think it's nice to have a bit of company that you don't have to entertain from time to time.  That nice sort of 'working side by side' feel rather than having to be the gracious hostess.  We had guys come out to put in a new boiler a couple of weeks ago and they were perfect, as far as I was concerned, friendly, chatty but go on with what they were doing, helped themselves to tea and biscuits (at my request), got the job done neatly and quickly and then went - perfect.

It sounds like getting on with the pretty stuff will be so exciting.  I'm not very good at the 'boring but necessary' stuff.  I have to make myself stick at it because I love the bit where your imagination can go wild and you can do all the fun bits.  But it's so essential to get on top of the basics and it does sound like your place hasn't been lavished with attention over the years so I imagine more stuff comes to light as other things get done.  It sounds so exciting though, I'm excited for you :)

Sorry about the bites, though, I've no advice, I don't think we get such a wide range of biting things here in the UK?  And we definitely don't get black snakes!  Eek!  I don't think I'd make a very good outback lady, I'm too wimpy and scared of creatures.  Where I'm living at the moment is cat city; my son calls it the Furry Feline Neighbourhood.  We got home yesterday and there were seven cats sunning themselves on one driveway, all stretched out enjoying the sun and not one of them pays any attention to anyone coming by.  It seems a nice life :)

Looking forward to the next update! x