Becoming "me"

[sKePTiKal]

Not really, Lighter. Maybe 4-5 inches... and by the time it stopped, it warmed up enough to start melting. Then, it got cold with this latest wave of Canadian air. The sun has been real bright... and according to my home-made Stonehenge it's starting to trend back toward it's summer apogee.   

I should be starting seeds. But too much else going on; I haven't even ordered any yet. (I have a big stash of them, though.)

And of course, I got slingshotted back to another round of missing him. That is the struggle right now, as I finish up the account paperwork, and deal with the "stuff". On the one hand, I've wanted this work done for a long time and it feels good to have the way clear to just do it. But each step in the process, means there are fewer reminders of him around too. So, I'm "taking care of him"... sorting, organizing, and dispersing his stuff still. And when that's done, I'm kinda afraid there won't be much "him" around to take care of. I guess I can take care of me, for him.

There's a new-old gym that's re-opened just a couple miles from the house. They have a personal trainer and nutritionist. Monday, I'm calling to find out more about the particulars. Despite me being fully capable of teaching tai chi, and having done yoga and pilates for going on 50 years, I still need that obligation; the contract with someone who's job it is to say: it's now time to do this and nothing else. I'm still putting myself last on the list... although I am finally trying to struggle with it. This is the last month of true peace & quiet on the beach before things begin to wake up and get busy again. It's also the month when if I want to hire helpers around here, I have to get it all scheduled.

And I'm going to throw a big party for Mike a month from Friday. So I have to see if anyone's available to cater some basics that weekend. It's a big restaurant weekend here and while I'm not going to need to feed a lot of people, some lunch fixin's and snackies is all part of the atmosphere. The next 6 weeks or so is going to be pretty full of stuff to do.

[lighter]

sKep:

I've always need the obligation of scheduled workouts to DO that kind of work myself.  I understand it, even though it makes me sad that putting ourselves on the list is so difficult, if not impossible.

I like the idea of your taking are of yourself "for Mike."  He'd want you to.do that.  Channeling his loss into self care seems like a right healthy way to handle it to me.  I hope you can make that transition.  It likely won't be easy, but what becomes habit becomes pleasure.  Sticking with a self care plan, and not getting sidetracked by other things..... maybe that's a lot of the challenge?  I get frustrated when I find myself remembering lessons I forgot, and trying to bring them back into focus, over and over.

I haven't any plans to garden..... I can't get past saving the Hemlocks on my lot.  Lots of them.... maybe 20.  No good plan for it yet.  I research in spits and spats, but there's so much to do with the new house.  I should have pressured washed my drive and sealed it.  It was on my list of things to do, but didn't.  Now the salt has the top layer pealing off..... very upsetting, and it's always something with a new house.  Today I painted trim, and doors... still more to do.  Planting things would be walking meditation for me, but there's so many things taking my attention.  I hope you get those seeds out, and dig in.

I'm glad you have the majority of paperwork behind you.  Planning a party for Mike might be cathartic in so many ways.  It's a good idea.  It sure brought joy to saying final goodbyes to my Mother.  It was all about honoring what she loved, and sharing it with those who loved her.  It really felt like she was in the room as we planned, and celebrated her life.  And it was the Mother who was at her happiest, not the person who was ill in her final days, kwim?

Enjoy planning the party, sKep.

Lighter

[Hopalong]

Grief's waves of love will be with you indefinitely, PR. I think though that the way they can become sweet lifting waves, all colors of the mystery of water, even warm and soothing, and not always be rough surf, is amazing to me. I can imagine how dealing with his stuff feels a little bit like removing him. But you're not doing that at all. His memory is cherished and safe within you, and will continue to add love to your life as long as you live.

And the dear man was a clutterholic.

I wonder if he's floating nearby musing, Oh, so that's what she meant by space. Order. And serenity. Huh. Looks pretty good!

So glad you're taking care of yourself and love the gym idea.

Your dialogue with Lighter about scheduling exercise (and Lighter, your statement that what becomes habit becomes pleasure) was very meaningful to me. For selfish reasons....

You (and Mike) are going to enjoy this party!

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Thanks, m'dears. It's all a work in progress, until it's not. LOL.

But I think it's rather interesting in that mysterious sort of way that several of us are moving to the more positive side of experience at the same general time. Tupp's with her undercover move, Hop's new job, Lighter is definitely "lighter" after all the trials & tribulations she's been through. It's hard for me to look at this kind of thing, versus all the other stuff I can face, grab ahold of, and shake the truth out of. This is more ephemeral, elusive. No less real, though. It just doesn't stand still long enough to get a good look at it.

Doc G would call what I'm struggling with - resistance. The old familiar habits and comfort zone of trying to be invisible, hiding, not attracting any attention to myself is actually a decent place to grieve in... when it's more the "feeling sorry for one's self" flavor of the day. But to carry that frequency out into doing the things that have to be done, exploring new ones, and expanding out openly into the wild blue yonder is necessary too. Especially when it seems to be too much to ask and impossible. And I've rediscovered that it's not that hard as long as I keep my mouth shut about what I've been through (going on 3 months now). Just go out and be a person. Some person.

The postmaster still makes funnies with me, people still wave; if I could cross the bridge of going to our local diner... the waitress is still gonna call me "darlin' ". It's only the people who are torn up themselves about Mike's passing who are hard for me. I can't escape feeling that it's all my fault and my job, to try to comfort them. It's NOT... but telling myself that and how I feel seem to act independently of each other.

The party is going to involve his family here and his brother & sister. The brother came and helped me early on; stayed for days on end - and even worked from here. His sister is just one of those basketcase people. No matter what you're going through - her needs are so much greater. And it's not fake or an act... it's real; but she's never learned to put one foot in front of the other all by herself. She's never found "the comfort that surpasses understanding" or reasoned her way to seeing a silver lining, by herself, in her life. I am wary. Mike has a passel of cousins too. They are all genial, kind and truly skilled and helpful people. And they can be totally nutz under the right circumstances - a lot of fun. It's a nice family to be "adopted into", as I've been assured that I have been.

My kids and some of their friends will be here; my friend from work - these are the regular March houseparty crew. And the Yacht Club folks will get an open invitation, to drop by to remember. I think I'm going with "remembrance" as the theme here. I have a dozen or so flamingos to put up... some are black with glow in the dark skeletons... which is the kind of tacky thing Mike really liked. Perfect. I've saved his baseball caps to hang up on the pool fence, clothespinned to light strings -- they are chili peppers, of course. Or shotgun shells, Or parrots... and of course, I have all his - our - music... which pretty much covers all the genres. I just hope we don't need parkas and mukluks to play on the patio.

Autumn couldn't turn over her share of ashes at the party back in his hometown. She still has them, and it's a comfort to her. I'm kind of the same way. When it's "time", I've picked out a spot by where we planted Raleigh; it's a clearing in a young pine forest that he said to let grow up. I'll plant bulbs there before it gets too warm, too. It's just not time yet.

[Hopalong]

Was he a Parrothead?
I think it sounds wonderful wonderful wonderful!
Love the hats clipped on lights idea...perfect.

(Beyond eats + decor, I hope you let go of any need to take care of everyone-- his sister, or anybody else...adult humans can deal with the discomforts of their own grief....)

You are the widow.
Doesn't make you helpless but does allow superpowers to be set to neutral now.

Wonder if we're seeing the same snow today?

hugs,
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

So another chunk of the list got done this week. The biggest one, the most important one as far as the "stuff" goes, for me... still has a few loose ends, but they can't be finished up just yet. Soon. "List-Mind" is wanting to jump right into the next chunk; next phase... and it crowds out self-care. It almost ran away from me...

then I had a night of restless sleep - just plain old missing him. What I am calling "resistance" to dealing with the mess, is the old association he insisted on - love him, love his stuff. LOL. So each load to goodwill (or the dumpster) feels like one more little piece of him gone - pinging that loss feeling spot. Echoing. It's not; I know that. I sigh a lot and do it anyway. And can now anticipate that there will be an equal and opposite rebound of the feeling I put on hold (to do what needs doing)... no matter how irrational that is.

So, I am not starting anything new just yet. Maybe next week. Going to FINISH what I have started... then self-care involves simply cleaning the first layer off the top. Removing dust, tracked in stuff, the flotsam of styrofoam from the hundreds of Amazon packing peanuts, etc. I have more "secretarial" tasks to do too. Getting ready to ship or deliver a package of documentation to the CPA for the estate tax return. Need to play household budget manager too. Run all my numbers and see where I'm at. I still abhor spending money unless it's necessary. Well, there are things that have been let go long enough around here - they're necessary.

Looks like I'm going to have weekly/biweekly dentist appts through March, as we do some preventative care on the old chompers. I've updated my glasses and gotten some "spares" made too. I still need to call and ask about personal trainer. That fell through the cracks between phone calls, service men visits, etc. I realized I hadn't budgeted time to go out to the grocery store for my snacks & quickie meals for those days when I'm at it 8 to 10 hours a day. Finished up writing out all the invitations for Mike's party - another emotional tiger trap - but I was committed already. If not everybody comes, that's just fine. I still have to figure what all those people are going to "do" for all that time. I feel like I need to write and read a statement that says: Yes, I'm doing just fine. Thank you for your offers of help. I'm making progress through the process my own way... and have ideas about the future, but have not made any firm decisions yet. Just to head all the repeated questions about that, off at the pass.

Obviously, it rankles when people project their own imagination of how they would react, onto me. But I suppose that's a useful thing in the long run. It's how people are and how they prepare for their own experiences. It's meant to be kind even if it doesn't seem that way on my side, all the time. And OMG... being a new widow, is like being pregnant!!!! Everyone feels obligated to give you advice on what to do; how to "get through this" (LOL); when to start making decisions and which ones are the "best" for someone in my "position". Complete STRANGERS will offer up their take on things unsolicited. And I have to tiptoe through the minefield for fear of offending someone with my particular (peculiar?) way of dealing with things. And remind them: I'm a grown woman that survived 4 teenagers and make decisions for a business. I have a few skills that will get me through this - LOL - and I can figure out for my own damn self, what I "want" to do next. Mercy buckets, people. I'm not a fragile flower (all the time).

To me, death is an intrinsic part of life. It's as natural and wonderful a mystery as birth. I am just as much in awe of both. My feelings are ALL over the map about the sudden stop of an important relationship in my life, as I would expect. Nothing wrong with that. I used to be a "change manager" and was pretty good at it -- mostly because I was able to deal with people's fear, expectations and imagination about "change". I helped put them at ease; helped them trust that it would be OK. To me, this is just another of the many changes in my life that I have already been through. On one level, anyway. There are definitely others.

One thing I know will need to be addressed at some point (and now is not the time), is figuring out what kind of "purpose" I have in this stage, chapter of my life. I willy-nilly allowed that to be defined by how I filled roles; how I was needed. NOT being needed was a problem, with the kids grown up, and leaving my job. Since then, I've been wallowing in the freedom of not being needed - LOL. There have been little stirring of the creative spirit again... but it's a shy creature, so I'm waiting patiently to see if anything develops there. I've indulged my curiosity in some research on topics. I've discovered a voice I didn't know I had... writing online about various topics, informally. And people keep trying to push me toward some kind of leadership role...

But they stop, after I ask them what they've been smoking. LOL.

[debkor]

Amber,

I've been reading you. I'm in the beginning of a journey that I don't know how it will end. It happened quickly. I'm trying to process.

There is one thing I found myself doing, now I laugh. In the very beginning when I first found out, I don't know why, but I was crying my eyes out about ..what if my pipes freeze.. It was 7 below o. And about taking garbage out. I felt so helpless.

Well my pipes froze and broke. I shut down the water, went to Chemo, had a plumber repair within a 1/2 hour when I was back. I dragged the garbage and put it out. I even repaired the toilet. 

I also have to have the need to be organized in case (the unknown) like an ambulance has to be called.  Easy access to move the coffee table to the side..dog cages are out and placed so they won't get under EMTs feet or out the door.

I want to paint.

I babysit my 4 month old grandson and take care of hubby.

But I can do it. I do, do it.

I just don't know why ...I was trying to convince my self (I was helpless). I don't know. Maybe I was trying to distract myself (from feeling pain). Or I was feeling pain/emotions.  Maybe I'm squashing them. I don't know. I don't think so. I like..give it to me raw. Don't sugar coat. I have to deal with it. No matter how painful. Yes I think that's it. I have accepted.

Do you know what I mean?

Anyway...I think you and I are going to be alright.

[lighter]

(((((debkor:))))))

I'm so sorry you're struggling. 

So sorry.

Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

Hell yes, we're gonna be alright Deb!! 

ME TOO, on the being prepared for the unknown. In 4 hours, the DIL & I completely rearranged and organized my living room into a functional nursing space. (I don't know how many pounds of magazines we recycled at midnight... but neither of us needed to work out that week.)

For me, I wasn't dealing with "what-if" this happens... so much as... "I can't do that". It was worse after he was gone, and the initial relief about being able to sleep in past 7 am; go to bed at 6 pm if I wanted to; and not constantly feeling awful that there wasn't much I could do to make hubs feel better. I literally felt like I couldn't go to the grocery store. Or the bank. The kids were here so that helped a lot. And I still lean on them a little. And my friend, too... we watched back to back Hallmark channel stories over new year's (and don't do chick flicks) but it HELPED. One thing led to another and I found a western channel with no commercials... and netflix... and I have a pile of dry, boring non-fiction books to just let me escape my own mind for awhile.

I was all freaked out about committing to driving back "home" for the granddaughter's birthday party; the "I can'ts" running through my head. Well I can and did. I realized that in some ways hubs reinforced that idea that I needed someone to drive; I needed someone to bounce things off of when making decisions. Someone to have my back. He needed to be needed too - and even when he was clearly sick, pretended not to be - for my benefit.

Now, the "I can'ts" relate to the fact that a heavy weariness has settled in on me. I have accomplished a lot in the past 2 months (Dec was just trying to get the cobwebs out of my head) toward my goal of reclaiming the space in the house; the estate stuff is pretty well in progress; and I CAN start making decisions about letting the bigger "stuff" go... either through selling it, donating, giving it away... I CAN, but it still feels "bad" and "selfish" in some ways... to do things just for me. I'm always catching myself, tripping over the old relationship boundaries - that's HIS STUFF and I can't... etc.

And I've sent out invitations for his family to come remember him on his birthday next month. That right there, is a big "I can't" - because even though I've proven I can talk about it, I can do what needs doing... I think I just want someone else to make the decisions for a couple days; feed me; let me be a slug until I get my energy back. Quixotically, I don't want anyone telling me what to do, either.

One more stage on the path.

[lighter]

sKeP:

How are you doing with the party activities for guests?  

My mom requested we throw a Mardi Gras party to be thrown after she passed away.  It was a true celebration to plan something she would have loved with all the people she loved.

One of the nicest activities was penning notes on helium filled balloons..... biodegradable.  It took everyone about an hour to complete their messages.  We did the release fire side after dark.  One of Mom's cousins played Spirit In The Sky by Norman Greenbaum..... it felt just right. 

When we release my best friend's ashes into the Seine this summer, I'll try to have paper lanterns (since we'll be such a small group.)  I'm comforted by this kind of ritual.  I'm sure there are many ideas out there.
Lighter

[sKePTiKal]

That is such a neat idea Lighter!!

To tell the truth, Holly and I thought about putting the ashes in the canoe... towing it out to the sound... and setting it on fire. BUT... between the coast guard, the environmental police, and regular LE, we decided that probably wasn't feasible in this location. Neither is a 21 gun salute... although people here aren't that freaked out by the sound of shotguns. I think the ashes are coming with me, anyway. Where ever I land.

Spirit in the Sky... You keep me Hangin' on... we could rock out all night and flip between bluegrass, country and early rock & roll - and probably will. This is going to be mostly afternoon, for the people driving in from 2 counties over and the older folks. I'm hoping it doesn't rain - and have some tent things to help handle outside stuff, if it does. (If the canvas is still in good shape.) I think mostly we're going to visit with each other. This cousins get-together has been an idea for as long as we've been here. It just hasn't happened -- and it may not now. I haven't heard back from anyone. It's early yet.

I know my regular crew will be here. The kids, my friend Debbie. And if that's all that shows up my feelings won't be hurt. As for activities, Cards Against Humanity (and subsequent variations) is on the agenda for AFTER the party and after the little ones are asleep.

[lighter]

Amber:


I love the idea of the burning Viking Ship.  You could make one and decorate it with loved ones, or on your own.  I might put a coat of wax on somehow,but the link below is similar to the model we chose for dd's 7th grade class.  If you decided to do this, you don't have to include all Mike's ashes.  You could keep some, and send some into the lake.

https://video.search.yahoo.com/search/video;_ylt=AwrBT7lArsxWi2sApYJXNyoA;_ylu=X3oDMTByMjB0aG5zBGNvbG8DYmYxBHBvcwMxBHZ0aWQDBHNlYwNzYw--?p=Building+Viking+Long+Boat+Model+For+School&fr=mcafee#id=1&vid=e1a9e84f191545b506107f51f057b417&action=view

You can copy and paste.... the video comes up slow, but appears if you wait a moment.
 

I'm going to have a hard time setting all my friend's ashes free.  I might keep some with me, and release most of them.  Will see.  The funeral home prepared locks of my friend's hair for each family member who wanted one, and I feel that will be comfort enough.  As I think about it, I think I'll let the ashes go.

Whatever you choose, it should comfort you.  You don't have to entertain people. 

Lighter








 

[sKePTiKal]

I think I define chapters in my life story by places - and the people I've shared them with. People have come and gone, as one chapter ended and another began. It's all in that book titled "Becoming Me".

It was really really hard to leave the place where Ex#2 & I knocked down trees, built a road, sculpted a hill and built a house and gardens. I left part of me there. My hands had planted all the bulbs, herbs and flowers... and weeded and composted around them till they flourished. My back still has issues now, because of that work.

But Mike was a place, in his own right. A destination that became a journey. And it was an "us" - not just a him or a me - that steered the bus to different places. It was the latest "chapter" in my book. This is kind of an interlude; an intermission. "This page intentionally left blank." The party is just the official recognition of the end of that chapter and a little foreshadowing of the next one. Plans are what we do to occupy our minds, until LIFE happens.

"I know by going, where it is I have to go" - Theodore Rothke

I kept that quote in the studio, when I worked at art full time. It's the magic spell; antidote; to creative blocks. It's similar to "Chop wood, Carry water", in it's effect. Things like this really are powerful insight magnets, if one can really "be" the manifestation of that physically.

My book continues - new places; new people. There is no outline because that would be setting limits on the possibilities. There are only ideas and the alignment of self & life... to be in the "right place" at the "right time" for the fulfillment of whatever the fundamental purpose I assumed responsibility for, when I showed up in this existence. Potential - in it's metaphysical, spiritual and scientific meanings. It's the place where God rolls dice with the universe; the Void; where creation happens.

The party needs to be about that, too. Since I NEVER intentionally throw parties nor invite people to share one.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

[Hopalong]

PR, I imagine for you:
Faces who loved M and love you...being around you and lighting up with each other as they remember and tell stories.
Music that is like you and M revisiting joys of the years you shared...touchstones of sound and life that connect us all.

Self-serve food and drink for appetites
Twinkly lights for embracing the dark
Hats just...because M (not a formal fella)
VERY comfortable place for you to sit where
folks can join you or you can enjoy just watching

The peace of gathering
Even for introverts
This is when we all are tribes

love
Hops

[sKePTiKal]

Well... so now I'm in a kind of purgatory; a limbo. Neither here - nor there. A fuzzy place without a definition or even a lot of direction or structure. I've been doing a lot "futzing"... picking up something and moving it 1/4 of an inch, because that's where (in my mind's eye) it should go. I've finished cleaning & reorganizng the upstairs closets in case I decide to spend the big bucks and upgrade the heat/ac. (You all have noticed how much more things cost than just a few years ago, correct?) I've been little by little making the house presentable - and putting under lock & key things that are none of my "helper's" business, so that I can bring in more help.

I framed the picture of Mike that the yacht club brought me. It's hanging down in the space I've been working on in stages. I think I've decided to sell the pool table; after struggling over that decision for years. I can buy a folding table, for cutting out fabric if I get to that point. My cushions for the kitchen banquette should be almost done. The storm shutters are getting a good cleaning and maintenance, and repair in a couple cases.

I've started watching the tv series from the books "Outlander". It's about a woman who travels time from just after WWII, to 1743 Scotland and her "adventures". I was reading that series of books shortly after Mike & I were married. I kinda feel like that right now. Like I'm going backward and forward in time... as I toss around the plans I have had in my mind, before we knew how sick Mike was, to see if it still "fits"; if it's what I still want. Entertaining new plans... and ideas - but none of them are seriously moving past the fantasy day-dream stage.

I'm leaving the idiot box turned off, more and more. The silence is a balm, especially when I shift from mental cognition, to that basement level instinctual "thinking" that isn't even verbal - concept to execution without definable, or clear steps in between. I can listen to music again, without each song bringing tears forth. But they still happen. Cleaning out his bathroom drawers, I found lots of his hair from the brush. I always cut his hair for him, I couldn't get him to go find someone who knew what they were doing.

Conundrum: how can someone who is gone - totally - still be "here", in something as inconsequential as the shed hair they've left behind? I don't know; but it's some sort of connection - like the standing stone in the novel, that vibrates "Claire" in the Outlander between two periods in history. Then and now. Now and Then (future then). I don't go out of my way to think of things of like this; to wallow in tears. And I'm not in any mad hurry to remove all the reminders of him -- so nothing prompts those tears either. At this point, it would be like trying to control the wind.

Somewhere in all this primordial stew, is "me". And the fastest way to get to "her" is this quiet isolation. If I can get the toxic people in my life, to just understand I'm not going to be a party to their delusion that, because of their innate superiority, they're able to "help" me through this fuzzy, foggy space. That I don't have time for their silly head games that are all about them. And finally stop feeling guilty about taking care of myself... and only spending time with the people who truly ARE there for me, that I want to be there for them, too.

The good thing about long quiet spells... is that I don't need as many words. This bit is a whole 5 days worth - LOL.